


The Undeserving

by LessAttitudeMoreAltitude



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alcoholism, Angst, Eventual Space Family, Ezra Angst, Force Bond (Star Wars), Gen, Kanan Angst, Kanan Jarrus: The Daddening, Kanan is basically just as much of a mess as Ezra, Kid Fic, Parental Hera Syndulla, Parental Kanan Jarrus, Past Child Abuse, Really it's in my username
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2018-12-05
Packaged: 2018-12-27 06:44:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 113,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12075666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LessAttitudeMoreAltitude/pseuds/LessAttitudeMoreAltitude
Summary: Kanan is a mess after Order 66. It's not until he stumbles upon an abused Force-sensitive child that he realizes his own potential.OR Kanan encounters Ezra at a much earlier age.





	1. Escape on Yabol Opa I

**Author's Note:**

> I always loved the idea of Kanan meeting Ezra at a young age, so this is my interpretation of that premise.

The planet of Yabol Opa, home of University of Yabol Opa. The entire planet was devoted to higher learning. It was also riddled with bars and fine women of all species. It was Kanan Jarrus’ kind of place.

He blended right in, too. There were millions of young people living all over the planet, eager to take in all the knowledge a place like this had to offer. No one batted an eye at the twenty-one year old human male wandering about. And he had to say, pretending to be a college student bouncing from bar to bar was a whole lot more fun than than pretending to be merchant wandering the streets of Brentaal. He knew it was temporary, but he was going to enjoy it while he could.

“Hey!” Kanan slapped down a couple of credits onto the bar. “Gimme another shot of…” He squinted at the back counter at the various bottles of liquor. He pointed at one that looked vaguely in focus. “... that.”

He could feel more than see the bartender give him a skeptical look. “Don’t you think you’ve had enough?”

“I know where I am.” Kanan nudged the credits in the bartender's direction. He was fairly drunk already, but he knew this last shot would be it. Then he’d be in that perfect place where he could barely feel anything but he could still string together enough coherent sentences to woo a local lady.

The bartender took the credits with a sigh and poured him his drink. Kanan downed it and closed his eyes in content. The last vestiges of his connection with the Force faded and he smiled. It wasn’t completely gone. If he absolutely had to, he could probably still reach out through the Force and lift something. Maybe. But what was important was that he could easily ignore it. He could forget the constant reminder that he was a hunted man, forget the life he used to have, and forget that he would probably never be at peace again. It was only temporary (it was _always_ temporary) but he was going to relish it while he could.

Slicking back his hair with his hands and making sure his hair tie was secure, he went off to mingle with female folk.

* * *

It had not been one of Kanan’s most successful nights, but it hadn’t been a total bust. He got into a couple deep conversations with some women. He didn’t remember any of the details, but he apparently did well enough that he spent a good hour or so making out with one of them. There was some heavy petting, a bit of gratuitous grinding, but in the end, she didn’t seem up to going to his place. Whatever. It had still been fun.

Now he was stumbling back to his crappy little apartment, slightly grumpy that his drunken haze was beginning to lift, his awareness in the Force returning. What he really wanted to do was get another drink, but no bartender would serve to an already drunk human this late. He had made peace with the fact that he would go to sleep, wake up, nurse his hangover, endure another miserable day of earning a measly number of credits before it was socially acceptable to start drinking again.

Kanan stopped walking and frowned. Where the hell was he? It wasn’t uncommon for him to get lost. As far as he could tell, this planet didn’t have any sort of consistent system of roads, and the buildings all tended to merge together in his head. Leaning against a wall, he tried to focus. He stared at the buildings around him, looking for something familiar. His hand trailed along the wall as he slowly took in his surroundings until it suddenly hit metal. He looked back at the wall and saw that it was a placard.

_Grand Warden’s Residence_

Ah, yes, Kanan remembers hearing about this guy. Solokin Sakeller. Basically the ruler of this planet since the beginning of the Clone Wars. Students and faculty alike would complain about him. He cared more about money and power than about higher education. Connections with the Empire elite and the planet’s location on the Perlemian Trade Route helped secured both those things.

What a shock. A corrupt Empire tool.

Shaking his head, Kanan moved on. He didn’t want any stormtroopers catching him around here. Even if they weren’t likely to know who or what he was, the less he had to deal with those bastards, the better.

Suddenly, a wave of pain and fear washed over him, making him gasp in shock and fall to his knees. For a moment, he was left dazed, fearing that he was about the suffer another breakdown. In the middle of the damned street, no less. But as the moments passed, he realized these feeling weren’t coming from inside of him. He was feeling them through the Force.

 _No… nononono…_ Kanan forced himself back on his feet and stumbled into a nearby alleyway. Feeling moderately safe in the dark alley, he leaned against one of the buildings, clutching his head in his hands. What was going on? Why was he feeling this? He hadn’t felt anything this strongly through the Force since the Purge.

His back slid down until he was sitting on the ground. He took a few deep breaths, trying to push down the panic that was quickly rising up in him. The pain he was feeling ebbed and flowed, but the fear remained almost constant. Was someone nearby in trouble? He tried to listen for any sounds of distress, but there was nothing. No one was around in the dead of the night, especially not near the Warden’s. Then why was he feeling this?

Kanan shook his head. He was still drunk. He was probably just confusing his own feelings with this sensation. He forced himself to chuckle. For years, he’s been trying so hard to avoid the Force and all that came with it, now his mind was trying to trick him into paying attention to it again.

Well, he wasn’t going to fall for it. Standing up, he purposefully blocked out that part of his mind and started stumbling through the streets again. He would find his way back to the apartment. Eventually.

* * *

The following morning wasn’t as horrible as it could have been. It wasn’t the worst hangover he had ever had. There might have been an invisible needle stabbing its way through his eyeball and brain, and the regular waves of nausea made it difficult for him to focus, but he could work through it. Downing a couple of painkillers and chugging down a gallon of water every twenty minutes, he managed to go to work at the cafe near his apartment. A few regulars were there, a couple of which were also nursing a hangover (this planet really _was_ the best place to hide). At this point, his boss - an elderly human woman named Oona - was used to his bouts of swaying and moans in the mornings.

However, this particular morning, Kanan was struggling more than usual to fill out orders correctly.

“Kanan! This man wanted his caf with chocolate, not cinnamon!”

“Oh, sorry!” Kanan took the cup back from the irritable customer, dumped out the contents before making another one.

Oona eyed him suspiciously. “Are you alright?”

“Same as always, you old bat.” He plastered on a smile as he handed out the new cup to the man.

“That’s the fourth order you’ve messed up.”

“So? Mistakes happen?”

Oona shook her head. “Young man, I’ve seen you working with a head wound and a need to hurk your guts every five minutes. You’ve never made this many mistakes before.” She practically skittered up to him, leaning forward on her tiptoes to look at his face more closely. “You’re distracted!”

Kanan shoved her away. “So what if I am? Midterms are coming!”

She grabbed his arm and pulled him down so her mouth was only centimeters away from his ear. “You and I both know you’re not _really_ taking any classes.”

Kanan jerked back, wiping the spit off his ear. “I attend lectures…”

Oona let out a bark of laughter. “Sure. But none with any regularity. You just attend those that look interesting to you.”

Kanan rolled his eyes as another customer walked up. “What’dya want?” he asked, trying to sound pleasant.

It didn’t work apparently, because the Rodian seemed taken aback. “Uhh, just a black coffee please.”

After he collected the money and filled the order, Oona assaulted him again. “Is it a girl?”

“No,” Kanan replied tersely.

“Is it a boy?”

“Sure, why not?” he replied exasperatedly. “Listen, I appreciate the concern, but I’m _fine."_

“Concern!?” Oona sounded insulted. “I’m not concerned! The more screw-ups you make, the more my reputation falls, and you know what that means?”

Kanan gave a sigh. He was too tired for this. “What?”

“Profits fall!” She whacked his arm with as much strength as she could muster. “Now _focus_!”

The rest of his shift was relatively uneventful. He forced himself to pay attention enough to not make anymore mistakes, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t still distracted.

What he had felt last night… As much as his drunken mind wanted to rationalize it, he knew that it hadn’t just been his own feelings. He had felt someone else. And with the intensity of it, he could only conclude that that someone else was Force-sensitive.

Someone Force-sensitive was in pain.

Try as he might, Kanan couldn’t just brush that fact aside. After all these years, he had finally encountered another Force-sensitive being. That fact alone put him on edge. While his own sensitivity was something he could never fully ignore, he had all but rejected the ways of the Force. The ways of the Jedi. The Empire was hunting him. Hunting others _like_ him. Most of the Jedi had been killed, but apparently a few Padawans like himself had survived. But not for long. Rumors had it that they were quickly rounded up and tortured, the Empire trying to find the last of the Jedi. Once they had given up all their useful information, they were killed.

Is that what was happening here? Someone had found a former Padawan on Yabol Opa and they were torturing them for information?

Kanan was torn in two. Since leaving Kaller, he had been on his own. He had taken care of himself, disregarding the needs of all others. It had been necessary, for his survival and his sanity. But if there was someone - someone like _him_ \- suffering, he couldn’t just ignore it. For a Padawan to be lashing out through the Force so strongly, they must be suffering unimaginable horrors.

And so, to get himself through the day, he promised himself that he would go back and try to find this other Padawan. Sure, he risked being captured himself, but if he didn’t try to save this person, who else would?

His mind was decided. He would save them, help them recuperate if necessary, then they could go on their separate ways.

Kanan’s shift ended in the early afternoon. He returned to his temporary home and, for the first time in years, he meditated. He let the Force flow through him. It was stunted, an uncomfortable affair, but he knew he needed at least _some_ familiarity with the Force again if his suicidal rescue mission was going to have any chance of success.

An hour into his tumultuous meditation, he suddenly felt a pull. He opened his eyes, and he knew the Force was beckoning him towards the closet. Towards the bag buried in the back corner underneath all the random junk he had collected over the years. The bag that held his lightsaber.

Kanan shook his head. He refused to take his saber with him. It might be possible for him to pull this off without revealing that he was a former Padawan. If anyone caught him tonight, they had no reason to believe he was Force-sensitive.

 _Besides the fact that you’re saving another Force-sensitive being_.

He shook his head. The fewer clues he gave, the better.

Once he felt calm enough, he got up and prepared to leave. He grabbed a black cloth and a blaster pistol that he had stolen off of Brentaal with him. The first step was to confirm that what he felt last night had been real. If it was… well, the rest of the plan would unfold.

It was early in the evening. Most classes were done by now, but a few evening classes meant there were still dozens of people milling around the vicinity of the Warden’s residence. A part of him was begging him to just forget all of this and go to the closest bar for a strong drink, but Kanan squashed that part down. If he was going to do this, he was going to do it right.

As he got closer to the residence, he began to feel it. Kanan’s stomach dropped. There was no denying it now. There was another Force-sensitive person nearby, and they were in trouble.

It was strange to feel the presence of another Force-sensitive person again. It also seemed abnormally strong to Kanan. It almost reminded him of the bond he used to share with Master Billaba.

He shook his head. That was a ridiculous notion. He was just being oversensitive to the Force. After all these years, basically any strong connection through the Force would feel like a bond.

And he had other things to worry about.

Kanan had hoped that this potential Padawan was being held in one of the academic buildings, but no such luck. As he got closer, it became abundantly clear that this person was being held on the grounds of the Warden’s residence. Thankfully, there were enough people out and about that no one noticed him clambering over the ground walls. However, once he got to the other side, he had to sit behind the nearby oasis of plants. It was still too light out, the residence’s guards would easily spot him and the whole thing would be over before it started. He would have to wait for the cover of dark. Besides, as he reached through the Force, he could tell that the other being wasn’t in any immediate danger or pain. They were afraid. Oh yes, they were afraid. But they weren’t in any immediate pain.

Finding an inconspicuous spot, Kanan sat and waited. He breathed evenly and stared at a particularly bright star in the sky, visible even in the evening light. He didn’t know which one it was, but every part of his being wished he were on a planet orbiting it instead of this dirty knook he was kneeling in.

Night fell and the crowds began to thin. The streets weren’t completely empty at this point, of course. The night was just starting for many of these people. Normally, Kanan would be among them. But tonight, he needed to help whoever this person was. He pulled out the black cloth, wrapped it around his head to conceal his face, and jumped over the plant he had been hiding behind.

The guards were patrolling regularly, but the darkness hindered their sight, even with the flashlights on their helmets. Kanan used this to make his way to the main mansion. However, the closer he got, the more he felt that he wasn’t quite headed in the right direction. He could feel the being’s fear ( _Force,_ could he feel it) but it wasn’t necessarily getting stronger as he got closer to the main house.

Later than he should have, he realized that the person he was looking for wasn’t in the Warden’s Mansion. As much as it pained him, he closed his eyes and focused on the fear. It was coming from his right. Opening his eyes, he looked and saw a courier-class yacht. They were used by particularly wealthy and powerful families, and Kanan found himself automatically sneering. But then confusion assailed him. If a former Padawan was being tortured, why would they be kept on a yacht? Why not locked up in a more secure location?

Still, as he got closer to the ship, the more keenly he could feel the being’s fear. They were definitely on this ship. While befuddling, Kanan couldn’t help but be relieved. He couldn’t sense anyone else on the ship, which meant the ship’s owners were probably in the mansion. Getting someone out of an empty ship was going to be easier than getting them out of a mansion filled with people and guards. There was only a single droid guarding the entrance of the yacht. Shouldn’t be too difficult to deal with.

Standing straight and brushing off as much dirt and plant life as he could, he walked up to the personal droid. “The Master wants to speak with you.”

The droid looked startled at his sudden appearance. “Mistress Sarai? Is everything alright?”

“I don’t know. I was just sent here to tell you that she wants to see you straight away.”

“Oh dear…” The droid looked back at the ship. “But what about the boy?”

Kanan shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but if you’d rather stay here than see to the Mistress’ needs, then I’ll go tell her…”

“Oh no, that won’t be necessary!” the droid said, whirling off towards the mansion. “I wonder what could be so important that she would want me to abandon my post…”

Once the droid was out of sight, Kanan ran inside. He looked around, but nothing seemed particularly out of the ordinary. That is, except for the fear that had spiked in intensity. He turned on the cabin’s light and scanned the area. It was very sparsely decorated. The only particularly item of interest was a strange lizard caged in the corner of the sitting area.

Kanan closed his eyes, focusing on what he was sensing through the Force. It was coming from… right beside him? He opened his eyes, but there was nothing to be seen. He turned in a circle, at a loss for what he should be looking for.

No, not beside him. _Beneath_ him.

He looked down, and there was a small durasteel latch, easily overlooked by any normal passerby. He grabbed the latch and yanked it, revealing a hidden hatch. He looked down into it and his heart stopped.

This wasn’t a former Padawan. This was a _child_.

He looked about seven, though Kanan had no way of being sure. His eyes were slammed shut by the sudden light, his cuffed hands raised to block it. His black hair was shiny with sweat, plastered to his face. A face covered in bruises.

This kid was too young. He probably hadn’t even been _born_ by the time the Purge had happened. So what was going on? Some rich family trying to hide that they have a Force-sensitive child? Even then, what possible excuse could they have for hurting him like this?

Kanan knelt down and lowered a hand. “Hey kiddo. I’m not going to hurt you…”

The child whimpered and flinched away. His entire body trembled, and Kanan almost cried at the sheer terror he could sense. “I don’t know what’s going on…” The hatch wasn’t that deep, and Kanan was able to place a hand on the kid’s shoulder. “... but I promise you’re safe now.”

The boy stiffened. Then, agonizingly slow, the boy lowered his hands and stared up at Kanan with dark blue eyes. Kanan could feel his confusion and uncertainty, and he tried to project some form of comfort via the Force. “It’s okay now,” he said, hoping the kid couldn’t sense his own uncertainty. “I’m going to get you out of here.”

With a trembling hand, the boy gently gripped Kanan’s wrist. Feeling the cautious hope, Kanan smiled at the accomplishment. He reached down and grabbed the child by his underarms, lifting him out. Setting him down next to himself, Kanan forced himself to smile despite the horrible condition the child was in. “What’s your name, kid?”

The kid stared wide eyed at Kanan, seemingly unable to believe what was happening. Then he licked his lips and muttered, “Ezra.”

“Ezra? That’s a good name,” Kanan spouted weakly. “I’m Kanan. I’m going to help you okay?” He had several questions on his mind, but they could wait until later. For now, he just grateful that the kid nodded without question. “Okay, can you stand?”

Ezra automatically nodded, but when he tried to, his legs trembled and failed him. Kanan caught the unstable child, rubbing his back when he felt the sudden spike of fear emanating from him. “It’s okay, it’s okay… I can carry you.” He hooked one of his arms under Ezra’s legs and lifted him. He turned to the ship’s exit when he froze.

A well dressed human woman was holding a blaster pistol straight as his head. “What do you think you’re doing?”


	2. Escape on Yabol Opa II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan suddenly finds himself responsible for a tiny person. A tiny Force-sensitive person.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not going to lie, I was surprised with the attention my first chapter got. Only hope I can meet everyone's expectations.

Kanan’s mind immediately began formulating a plan for how to get out of this. This woman didn’t look like much of a fighter, especially with her fine dress and abundance of jewelry that was clinking together even as she just stood there. Probably just a civilian with a pistol for protection’s sake. Then the question became: what was she doing with this boy? Why was she treating him like this? From what he could tell, she didn’t seem particularly Force-sensitive.

Only a moment passed before she sneered at the boy in his arms. “What could you possibly want with this… _filth_?”

Reflexively, Kanan squeezed the boy against his chest. “If he’s such filth, why do you care?”

The woman seemed almost bored. “What do you want? Ransom? I promise you, the brat isn't worth the trouble. So why don’t you put him back where he belongs…” She indicated the hatch. “And we can all forget this incident ever happened?”

“He’s a child!” Kanan declared, as if the woman didn’t know. “What reason could you possibly have for treating him this way?!”

“He’s an abomination!” she spat. “I never wanted him! Barnabas should have left him on the dirt planet he came from!” Then she schooled her features. “I can have you arrested,” she said calmly. “You are not only trespassing on my ship, but the Grand Warden’s residence? This won’t end well for you.”

Kanan had to think fast. Shifting the kid so that he was holding him with one arm, Kanan reached through the Force and waved a hand in her direction. “You’re going to let me leave with this boy.”

The woman’s eyes widened. Then she shrieked, “You’re one of those filthy _Jedi_!”

The Force nudged him to the side, and Kanan compiled just in time, the plasma bolt flying past him. He held onto the kid tightly as he rolled behind one of the couches.

Kanan could feel his shirt roughly rubbing against the back of his neck as Ezra clung to his collar. He couldn’t blame the kid, having to live with this schutta. But even if his mind trick didn’t work, his pistol certainly would. Unclipping it from his belt, he whipped around his cover and shot at her.

She let out a yelp of surprise before falling back unconscious. Yup, definitely not a fighter. Kanan allowed himself to relax slightly, but he knew he couldn’t dawdle. Re-holstering his weapon, he held Ezra with both arms as ran out of the ship. He paid enough attention to know where the guards where, but otherwise, made a beeline to the outer wall. Once they got there, he knew the only way they were going to make it over was to jump with the Force. He tried not to think about how much he had been relying on it tonight.

“Hey,” he whispered, attempting a lighthearted tone. “Wanna see something neat?”

Ezra only stared at him with a mixture of confusion and fear.

 _So much for making him feel better_. Kanan easily jumped over into the adjacent alleyway. He didn’t hear any commotion yet, which meant he had a head start. Deliberately blocking out every emotion he or the small child in his arms had to express, he yanked the black cloth off his face and calmly walked out into the main street. There were a few people, but not enough to act as sufficient cover. Kanan forced himself to walk slowly down the Yabol Opa streets. He was a father carrying his child home. There was nothing strange to see here.

Kanan could have sworn his heart stopped a dozen times before they reached his apartment. Even the slightest twitch of a local had set him on edge. It was only when he had locked the door behind him that he let himself relax. Leaning his back against the closed door, he slid to the floor with a sigh of relief.

That was when he realized that the child he was holding was still terrified. Kanan’s shirt was damp with tears, Ezra’s breathing stuttered and panicked. Kanan squeezed his arms more tightly around the young one. “You’re okay,” he whispered. “I promise, I’m here to help.”

Through the Force, Kanan could sense Ezra’s confusion. He felt safe, but he was still terrified. He was hurting, but he believed what Kanan was saying. He felt he could trust Kanan… but had no idea why.

“Let’s get some sleep,” Kanan suggested weakly. “We can figure things out in the morning.”

This didn’t seem to assuage any of the kid’s fear or doubt, but he didn’t protest either. So Kanan stood up and placed him on the ratty old couch the apartment had come with. He easily broke the cuffs off, tossing them aside with sneer of disgust. Ezra rubbed his wrists as Kanan placed an equally ratty and old blanket over him, forcing a smile. “You’re okay,” he repeated the upteenth time. “I promise.”

Ezra looked up at him with his dark blue eyes, disbelief still shining in them. He reached out hesitantly, his small hand shaking as it barely peeked out from under the blanket. Kanan grabbed the hand and squeezed it. “I won’t let anyone hurt you. Not ever again.” He wanted to reach out through the Force and let the kid feel how sincere he was, but he hesitated. He shouldn’t be using the Force this much. And he shouldn’t be encouraging this… bond that seemed to be rapidly developing between them.

He didn’t know how long it took, but eventually Ezra’s eyes slipped closed, his hand loosening its grip. With a heavy sigh, Kanan sat back. What in Bane’s name had he just done?

Of course, the most obvious point was that had just taken in a Force-sensitive being. But not a former Padawan, just some random _kid_. Had the Jedi Order still been around, Ezra probably would have been recruited as an infant. But nowadays, all the Force-sensitives were either being killed off or turned over to the Empire.

Which brought Kanan to the next point. What was this rich family doing with a Force-sensitive locked up in their ship? The only reasonable explanation he could come up with was that he was their child and they were ashamed of him. The Empire’s propaganda against both Jedi and Force users has been extreme since the Purge, it wouldn’t be surprising if some families in the inner rims were abusing their Force-sensitive children.

The thought made his heart ache, especially as he looked at the bruised up face of young Ezra. Kanan leaned over and brushed aside some errant strands of hair. What a horrible time to be born Force-sensitive.

Well, no matter what the circumstances, Kanan needed to figure out what to do next. He silently wished the for old Jedi temples to still be active, but he knew they weren’t. Within this galaxy, there were virtually no safe places for a Force-sensitive to hide. He should know.

 _Maybe he should just stay with you_.

Kanan abruptly stood, shaking his head. There was no way he could take care of someone else, especially someone as young as Ezra. Sure, maybe if the Jedi Order had remained in tact, he might have taken on his own Padawan at some point. However, the galaxy had changed. Not only had he never finished his own Jedi training, but the entire Empire was actively hunting down anyone even remotely like him. The Force was an outdated philosophy, and the only way to survive was to forget that the Force even existed.

He looked back at Ezra, who was sleeping soundly now. Who knows? Maybe he would get lucky and find a willing family to take him in. Honestly, almost anyone would be better equipped to take care of a child than him.

_Even a Force-sensitive one? Who’s going to be willingly take a Force-sensitive in when the Empire has practically outlawed them?_

Kanan hit the side of his head. “You’re not helping,” he muttered to himself. He walked to his cabinets and sighed despondently at the empty liquor bottles that resided there. Of all times, _now_ was when he could really use a drink.

Resigning himself to a completely sober night, he gave the kid one last glance before heading off to bed. He only hoped he could figure out a better plan of action come morning.

* * *

As it turned out, Kanan _couldn’t_ sleep. Whether it was the lack of alcohol, or the annoying amount of concern he was feeling for his new charge, he wasn’t sure. All he knew was that he could lay on his right side. Or his left side. Or his back or his stomach, but none of these orientations were going to let him fall into a blissful unconsciousness.

So, he laid awake, painfully aware of world around him. The energy of the universe flowed, and there was no way he could completely ignore it. At least, not without the help of alcohol. And in his immediate vicinity, he could feel the young boy at the other side of the room, the Force flowing strongly through him. Kanan could even feel the kid’s dreams, but they were unsettled and disjointed. Not at all like the dreams of a healthy child. After a while, Kanan got up and strode over to kneel by kid's side. He placed a hand on Ezra’s head and breathed slowly, trying to make himself feel calm so Ezra could feel it too.

It took several breathing cycles, but the boy’s breathing eventually matched his. The nightmares faded away, letting the child sleep in peace.

Kanan smiled. At least he was good for something.

Dawn came all too early, but Kanan bit his lip and accepted it. Sliding into his tiny kitchen, he started cooking some rudimentary breakfast. He didn’t usually eat this early, but from what he felt last night, the kid needed the bulk. Ezra’s bones should not be sticking out that much.

Kanan could feel Ezra waking up, and he turned around just in time to see him sitting up and rubbing his eyes sleepily. “Hey there, kiddo. How do you like your gartro eggs?”

Ezra flinched at his voice, then his eyes widened as they scanned the small apartment. His breathing quickened as he scrambled back until he hit the far end of the couch.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay!” Kanan raised his hands placatingly. “Do you remember what happened?”

The kid frowned, his breathing still quick. Then it slowed, his eyes narrowing. He seemed to be remembering the previous night’s incident.

“I found you,” Kanan said, hoping to fill in the blanks. “I… felt that you were hurting.”

Ezra finally looked up at him, though he didn’t seem convinced. “W… Why?” he finally asked.

Kanan shook his head. “Why what? Why did I take you away?” It seemed like such a stupid question, but when he saw the incredulity on the boy’s face, his heart broke. “They were hurting you, Ezra. You didn’t deserve to be hurt like that.”

Ezra quickly shook his head, burying his face into his knees. “I’m b-bad… I-I’m filthy…”

“ _No!”_ Kanan barked, more disgust rising up in him at woman in the yacht. “I don’t care what anyone else has said, they were wrong. You’re not bad! You’re just… _different.”_

Ezra didn’t seem convinced. He gripped his legs tighter to his chest with trembling arms, his eyes regarding Kanan with an edge of caution. Then his eyes met with Kanan's and they filled with tears.

Unable to stand seeing the tiny child in so much distress, Kanan sat down next to Ezra, wrapping his arm around him. The boy in turn gripped Kanan’s shirt, clinging to him tightly. And not just physically. Kanan could feel Ezra clinging to his mind, likely the only other Force-sensitive he had ever encountered. He probably wasn’t even aware he was doing it. The poor kid was starved for any sort of contact, physical or otherwise. Almost on reflex, Kanan reached over and brushed his black locks out of his eyes. That was when he saw (remembered) the bruises. He sat back. “Are you hurt anywhere else?”

Ezra’s body stiffened before he quickly shook his head. “‘M fine.”

He was lying. Kanan took a more studious look at the kid’s face. The left side was particularly swollen, although he had a couple older bruises decorating his right cheek and jaw. His lip was split and he had several small cuts littering his face, probably because whoever had been beating him had been wearing a ring. Kanan could feel his blood boil. If this was the condition of just his face, he had no doubt there was even more damage underneath his clothes. “Ezra, I need to know if you’re hurt. Can you take your shirt off so I can get a look?”

The boy’s shoulders were tense as he fiddled with a couple of frayed fibers at the hem of his shirt. Which, Kanan just realized, was dirty and threadbare. He was about to comment when Ezra slowly moved to pull it off. As he did so, Kanan slid off the couch to kneel in front of him and get a better look.

Just as Kanan felt earlier, Ezra’s ribs and hipbones were sticking out so sharply it was sickening. But even that fact seemed to pale in comparison to the bruises that were covering his chest and midsection. Some were recent, dark purple in color, while others were older in various shades of green and yellow. Ezra wrapped his skinny arms around his chest, and Kanan could see the bruises littered along their length as well.

Leaning forward, Kanan gently let his fingers prod over the worse-looking injuries. He paused when Ezra's breathing hitched, but he needed to do this. Last thing he wanted was a child dying of internal bleeding on his watch. The worst seemed to be an almost black bruise on the left side of his rib cage. Kanan could feel heat radiating from it when his fingers hovered over it, and Ezra flinched away and whimpered when he touched it. "Hey hey, it's okay..." Kanan whispered, forcing himself to smile. 

Continuing his inspection, Kanan leaned forward slightly to get a look at the boy’s back. There were dozens of purple and red stripes. They looked to have been inflicted by something like a belt. What was even worse were the old scars barely visible underneath them, skinny jagged lines where someone had actually used some sort of _switch_ on the kid.

At this point, Kanan’s lungs were burning with anger. Who would do this to a child? This obviously hadn’t been a one time incident or an accident. Someone had been continuously and deliberately abusing him for who knows how long.

“I-I’m sorry…” Ezra whimpered, his body trembling as he glanced up at him fearfully.

Kanan quickly put up a mental barrier, realizing that Ezra was sensing his anger and mistakenly believe that it was aimed at him. It had been a mistake to let the kid cling to his mind through the Force earlier. He had no idea how this bond had developed so quickly, but he knew he shouldn’t be encouraging it.

He placed a hand on Ezra’s shoulder which made him flinch again, but Kanan was determined to prove that he wasn’t going to hurt him. “I’m not angry at you,” he said, keeping his voice low and unthreatening. He took a deep breath and forced himself to approach this more clinically. “Does it hurt when you breathe?”

Ezra was still trembling, but he slowly nodded, placing a hand over his ribs. “A l-little…”

It was likely a broken rib. “Have you been coughing at all? And noticed any blood when you cough?” To his relief, Ezra shook his head. In that case, there wasn’t too much that could be done. As horrible as it all looked, only time was going to heal these injuries. Although he made a mental note to try and find some sort of painkiller. “Okay, you can put your shirt back on.” He also made a note to get the kid some new clothes that actually fit him.

Ezra did as he told then wrapped his arms around himself and shaking like he was cold. Now that Kanan had his block put up, it was a little harder to read how the kid was feeling. “You cold, kid?” Ezra shook his head, his hair flopping from side to side.

That was when the bitter smell of smoke hit his nostrils. “Ah, dammit!” Kanan ran back to the kitchen and turned the heat off. The oil he had put in the pan had burned and blackening. “Alright, let’s try this again…”

After he cleaned the pan, he stayed in the kitchen while he heated up more oil and pulled out the remaining eggs he had. He was going to have to get more food, too. He was in the middle of stirring the eggs up when he noticed Ezra out of the corner of his eye. The kid was standing at the edge of the kitchen, his hands twisted in his shirt nervously as he stared wide eyed at the food Kanan was making. Kanan was relieved to see the kid up on his feet. His legs were a little shaky, but it meant they probably weren’t injured.

“Food’s almost ready,” Kanan tried to say casually. “I can’t vouch for the taste though.” Spices were expensive, and Kanan had learned a long time ago how to stomach plain or foul tasting food for the sake of survival.

His worry was unwarranted though. When he first put down their plates of food, Ezra had hesitated. But once Kanan assured him it was okay to eat, the kid quickly shoveled the eggs down without complaint. Kanan had to admit: it was kind of cute in a sad sort of way.

Once they were done eating, Kanan glanced at the time. He was going to have to leave for work soon, but first he wanted to get a few things straight. “Ezra, I want to ask you a few questions, okay?” It took a moment, but the kid eventually nodded. “Alright… first off, who was that woman on the ship? Is she your mother?”

Ezra shook his head. “Aunt Sarai.”

“She’s your aunt?” The boy nodded, but didn’t add anything more. “Was she… I’m assuming she’s the one who hurt you?”

Ezra looked down at his hands before nodding. “I was bad…” he mumbled.

“ _Stop_ saying that,” Kanan growled. “You’re not bad. You’re just a kid, and your aunt is a piece of kung.” Ezra flinched at the vehemence in Kanan’s voice, making him sigh. He was in way over his head. “Why were you with her in the first place? Where are your parents?”

“My parents are dead,” Ezra said monotonously, his head still down. “They were traitors to the Empire and executed when I was a baby.”

It was said so matter-of-factly, that Kanan almost didn’t believe him. Then again, it’s not like Kanan would have had any emotional response to news about his own parents. He never knew him, so they were no better than strangers. “So you’ve always lived with your aunt?”

Ezra nodded more slowly this time, as if he were uncertain of his answer. He was fiddling with the hem of his shirt again. “A-And my uncle and c-cousin,” he murmured.

“Do you know if you have any other family? Family or friends that you trust and can take you in?”

Finally looking up, Ezra glanced at Kanan with a stricken expression. But as soon as he did, the expression faded and he looked away. “N-No.”

Kanan frowned at the response. He didn’t think the boy was lying, but the question obviously held a deeper meaning for Ezra. He was tempted to reach forward and try to sense what exactly Ezra was feeling, but caught himself before he did.

Of course, all of this brought Kanan to square one. He had no idea what he was going to do with the boy. If Ezra didn’t know or trust anyone else, Kanan had no idea where he could take Ezra where he would be safe from the Empire and its sympathizers. Leaning back in his chair, he rubbed his face and glanced at the clock again. “Alright, kiddo. Listen, I gotta go to work. Stay here and don’t make any noise while I’m gone.”

Ezra watched as Kanan stood up and started to change his clothes. “You… You’re leaving?” he asked, the panic evident in his voice.

“Just for a few hours. I need to make money, especially now that I have two mouths to feed.” Pulling off his current set of clothes, he pulled his other set out. He gave them a small sniff, cringing slightly. At least they were fresher. He glanced over his shoulder and saw Ezra squirming uncomfortably in his seat. Once Kanan finished getting dressed, he walked back over and knelt next to him. “I know this is probably all really overwhelming. But trust me, okay?”

For the first time, Ezra locked gazes with Kanan. “I… I do.” He still sounded confused and a little fearful, but Kanan could tell that the boy meant it.

And that made Kanan smiled. “Good.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be from Ezra's POV


	3. A Lot to Take In

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra tries to figure out what's going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those potentially concerned, I am posting this story on ff.net under a different name. No one has stolen it from me.

Ezra hadn’t been lying when he told Kanan he trusted him. However, that didn’t stop the spectre of fear and anxiety from wrapping around him like wet blanket.

He had no idea why he trusted this guy. It didn’t make any sense but… Ezra felt _safe_ with him. Even stranger was the fact that Ezra could have sworn he had met Kanan before. And that feeling made Ezra even more nervous.

Ezra has always been a bit… off. Sometimes, when someone would get mad at him, he would know exactly where the slap or kick was coming from. At first he always dodged, but after a while, he learned that avoiding the first blow just made the subsequent beating even worse.

But it wasn’t just that. Sometimes he felt like he could sense people themselves. It was never much. Just a small hint of their emotions, particularly strong ones. But it had never been as strong as what he could feel coming from Kanan. If what he felt from other people were whispers, what he felt from Kanan was like shouting. When he first felt it two nights ago, he was sure he was imagining it, dreaming up a safe place in his head to hide while his uncle beat him in a drunken rage. It wouldn’t have been the first time. But then he felt it again last night, and when the mysterious man placed his hand on his shoulder, Ezra knew that it hadn’t just been his imagination.

And _that’s_ what made him so nervous. He knew he was a backwater freak. He knew there was something wrong with him, and he knew that feeling these things made him a bad person. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get it to stop.

Ezra was pacing back and forth in the small apartment, compulsively rubbing his arms. He was grateful that Kanan hadn’t locked him up somewhere. He liked being able to move around. But maybe that was just because Kanan didn’t know. Maybe that was why Kanan took him away. Somehow, he learned what his family was doing to him, so he decided to save him, thinking Ezra was innocent.

The thought made Ezra shiver. What would Kanan do to him if he found out what Ezra was? Take him back to his aunt and uncle?

No. After knocking Aunt Sarai out, that would only get him into trouble too. Besides, Sarai and Barnabas probably wouldn’t even take him back. He had caused them so much trouble already.

More likely, Kanan would just dump Ezra where he belonged: onto the street with the rest of the filth.

Ezra’s eyes burned with tears at the thought. It didn't make any sense.  _Why_ did he feel so comfortable with this guy? Even though he was a complete stranger, Ezra felt as if he had known Kanan forever. When the older man had wrapped his arms around him earlier, he had felt warm and safe. it wasn’t like anything he had ever felt before, and he didn’t want to lose it.

Ezra’s legs started to ache, so he sat down in the corner of the apartment, contemplating what he should do. He wouldn’t be able to hide his dirty tricks from Kanan forever. When he did find out, he would probably beat Ezra for lying to him, but that would be okay as long as he let Ezra stay with him. Which meant he was going to have to convince Kanan that he was worth keeping around. And that meant making himself useful.

He could feel his tears well up again, but he swallowed them back down. He had no idea what he could possibly do to be useful. Even before his aunt and uncle discovered he was a freak, Ezra had never been good for much. He was stupid, and he never did anything right.

He took a deep shuddering breath. He had to do _something_. He looked around. This apartment was nothing like the ship. The ship was clean and bright, upkept by PA-32. This place looked like it hadn’t been cleaned in years. The walls and ceiling were yellow and brown, a thick layer of dust coated nearly every surface, and the air was hot and stuffy.

So maybe… he could clean? Obviously Kanan wasn’t doing it for himself. Ezra had never cleaned anything before, but he could figure it out. Maybe.

Suddenly, a strong _pull_ yanked him out of his thoughts, as if someone had grabbed him. He gasped and jumped away, but there was nothing here. The sensation of being pulled remained, like someone had tied a rope around his mind.

Cautiously, Ezra stood and followed the direction of the pulling. It brought him to a small closet by Kanan’s bed. Opening it, there was nothing to be found except for a couple of bags in the back corner. Ezra carefully grabbed the first one and pulled it open. It was filled with a bunch of different parts that he didn’t recognize.

Ezra quickly pushed the bag back and closed the closet door, realizing he was rifling through Kanan’s things. If he wanted Kanan to keep him, he had to behave. And that meant he couldn’t be touching his stuff.

It was less insistent now, but the bags continued to beckon him, like a soft buzz in the back of his mind. Ezra shook his head, forcing himself to forget about it. He turned his attention back to the rest of the apartment. His gaze fell on the kitchen and the dirty dishes that sat there. Well, maybe he could try cleaning those…

It was a multi-step process. He could technically reach into the sink, but he was too short to really do anything useful. After he dragged over a chair so he could stand on it, he picked up the bar of soap and looked at it. It couldn’t be that different from taking a bath, right?

He turned on the water and started rubbing the plates and the pan with the soap. Once they were all covered in suds, he used his fingernails to scrape off the remnants of food. The pan was especially bad, patches of burnt oil and egg sticking to its surface.

By the time he was finished, his fingers were sore and wrinkly, but he felt an odd sense of pride at the sight of the clean plates.

Then he could hear his aunt scoffing. _“What are you so pleased about? A binary droid could have done that in a fraction of the time_.”

Ezra’s smile fell. It might not have been much… but at least it was something.

He put the dishes aside and sat down onto the chair, his legs trembling from standing for so long. He took a deep breath, only to wince at the sharp pain that shot up his side. He slipped a hand under his shirt and carefully pressed it over the hot bruise. His hands were cold from the water, and it minutely soothed the sharp pain.

His body ached and groaned at him for even moving around this much. After he put the chair back, he glanced at the couch and wished he could go to sleep. But he didn’t want Kanan come back and think he was a useless lump.

To his relief, he didn’t have to wait long for Kanan to return. He wasn’t sure how, but Ezra could tell when Kanan was getting closer, although it wasn’t as strong as it had been the night before. Or even this morning. At some point, his awareness of Kanan became muffled, almost like he became a blurry image in an otherwise clear world.

By the time Kanan walked through the door, Ezra was standing there, hands clenching and unclenching nervously at his sides. “W-Welcome back, Kanan!”

Kanan raised an eyebrow but gave a smile. “Manage to keep yourself occupied while I was gone?”

Ezra nodded as Kanan walked past him and placed a few bags on the table. He was eager to show that he could be useful. “Yeah, I… uh… cleaned.”

Kanan turned around and faced him with a frown. “You… cleaned?” He looked around the apartment, his eyes pausing at the kitchen. “You cleaned the dishes?”

Ezra’s heart skipped a beat at the disapproval in Kanan's voice. He gripped his arm with his hand, hoping he wasn’t trembling too badly. Trembling would only get him into trouble. “Yeah… Was th-that wrong?”

“No, it’s not wrong...” he said slowly. He returned his gaze to Ezra, looking uncertain. “I just don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be up and about like that. If anything, you should be resting.”

Ezra couldn’t tell if Kanan actually meant it or if it was just some kind of test. To be on the safe side, he apologized. “’M s-sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize.” Kanan took one of the bags into the cold storage unit. “I was just surprised. Frankly I thought you would sleep the day away.” He pulled out a box of something and placed it into the cabinet before coming back to the table and picking up the last bag. “I got some stuff for you.”

Walking up to the table, Ezra stood next to Kanan, careful not to stand so close that they were touching. Just feeling the warmth radiating off Kanan helped calm his stomach which was rolling with anxiety.

Unexpectedly, Kanan placed a hand on his shoulder and pulled him in against his side. Ezra flinched in surprise, but then leaned into the half-embrace, his cheek resting against the side of Kanan’s stomach. As long as Kanan didn’t mind, Ezra was going to stay firmly in this bubble of comfort and safety for as long as he could.

Using his free hand, Kanan dumped out the contents of the bag, revealing some light brown clothes and a package labelled _Perigen_. “These clothes are probably going to be too big for you, but you’ll grow into them.” He picked up the perigen. “But first we should put these on. They’ll help with the pain.” Ezra eyed the package, but didn’t show any indication of moving. Instead, Kanan knelt down, his hand still resting on Ezra’s shoulder. “Where does it hurt the most?”

Automatically, Ezra placed a hand over his side.

Kanan nodded. “Take your clothes off. We’ll put on these patches then you can put on the new clothes.”

If it had been anyone else, the entire process would have been nerve wracking. But Kanan seemed to induce an almost unnatural calm in him. He kept a hand resting on either Ezra’s shoulder or on his side as he gently applied the white square patch. “Anywhere else hurt?”

Ezra shook his head. There was a general soreness throughout his body and moving in certain directions hurt more than others, but it was nothing he wasn’t used to.

Then Kanan helped him put the new clothes on. It was just a light brown tunic, a pair of pants, and a belt, but they were clean and soft. Kanan gave a sigh once Ezra had put it all on. “Are you sure you don’t need anymore perigen?”

Ezra shook his head again. He was already grateful for the patch on his side, which was making it easier for him to breathe.

Kanan took his old clothes with a hint of disgust. “I’m not even going to bother getting these washed. They’d probably fall apart anyway.” He tossed them into the waste bin before walking back over, his expression serious. “I did a lot of thinking today… and there are some things we need to talk about.”

Ezra stiffened, his brain whirring a hundred klicks an hour. Trying not to linger too much on any possible outcomes, he took a deep breath and replied, “W-What things?”

The older man sat down on the couch with a heavy sigh. “I never explained fully why I took you from you from that ship. At the very least, you deserve to understand what in star’s name is going on.” He gestured the seat beside him on the couch, and Ezra happily took it. “Ezra… do you know what the Force is?”

The Force? Ezra knew about the word ‘force’ as in forcing someone to do something, but he had never heard it referred to like an object before.

His confusion must have been evident on his face, because Kanan started explaining. “The Force is energy. It’s… well, it’s everywhere. It’s in every living thing. We’re all connected and guided by it.”

It didn’t make much sense, but Ezra kept rapt attention.

“And there are some people who are sensitive to it. They can use it to manipulate their surroundings and sense things others can’t.” Kanan took a deep breath, wrapping an arm around Ezra’s shoulders. “What I’m about to tell you, you cannot tell _anyone_ else. If you do, it could put us both in danger. You understand?”

Ezra gulped, but nodded his head. “I-I promise I won’t tell anyone.”

Kanan nodded. He closed his eyes and took another deep breath. “The thing is… I’m one of those people. I’m Force-sensitive. That’s why I saved you. I could sense that your family was hurting you.”

Ezra didn’t fully comprehend what this ‘Force’ thing was, but it seemed amazing that Kanan could have such a power. He leaned into Kanan, staying focused on his every word.

“But it’s not just that,” Kanan went on. “I wasn’t even _trying_ to use the Force when I felt what was going on. Which meant that what I was feeling was being projected… by another Force-sensitive person.” He paused, as if waiting for a response. When none came, he let out a sigh. “Ezra, I’m pretty sure you’re Force-sensitive, too.”

Ezra’s eyes widened. He started making connections to all the strange occurrences in his life, but he slowly shook his head. They couldn’t _possibly_ be related. There was no _way_ he was anything like Kanan.

Then, Kanan raised an arm, his hand facing the empty bag on the table. He raised his hand and the bag lifted off the table, seemingly by an invisible string.

Panic seized Ezra’s chest. “No!” He jerked away from Kanan, jumping off the couch and backing away from the sorcerer's trick. His vision blurred and his lungs burned. “No…! It’s wrong! It’s dirty!”

The bag dropped, and Kanan was on his feet, approaching Ezra with his hands raised. “Ezra, it’s okay…!”

“NO!” he screamed again, fear taking over. He squeezed his eyes shut and fell to his knees, bracing for the pain. “I-I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to, I promise… Please don’t hurt me, _please_!”

He was silenced by a warm embrace, the scent of sweat and something earthy enveloping him. Kanan’s presence was suddenly crystal clear, and Ezra felt a mixture of concern and anger that quickly transformed into an incredible calm. Desperate to feel anything besides the overwhelming terror inside of him, Ezra clung to Kanan, burying himself in the calm and safety Kanan’s presence offered. His breathing hitched as he sobbed into Kanan’s shoulder and his hands scrambled to hold him as tightly as he could, but the older man didn’t pushed him away. He just held Ezra tighter, rubbing slow circles into his back.

Eventually Ezra’s panic faded and his breathing evened out to a fine stutter. He could feel Kanan’s relief as he gave Ezra a quick squeeze. “I’m not going to hurt you. I’m not like your relatives.”

He knew that. Every fiber of his being knew with absolute certainty that he has never known anyone like Kanan.

Kanan must have been able to sense this thought, because Ezra could feel how happy it made him feel. Then all at once, his presence felt muffled again. Even though he was still firmly in Kanan’s arms, Ezra felt like he was being pushed away, and his chest ached at how… _empty_ it made him feel.

“I know this has all got to be really confusing for you,” Kanan said. “Especially given how you were raised… but _this_ is the reason I knew you were being hurt. I felt it happening through the Force, and that’s the reason I saved you. I wasn’t going to just stand by let another Force-sensitive fall victim to the Empire’s propaganda.”

It was a lot for Ezra to take in. All the strange stuff that’s happened in his life… was that all because of this _Force_ thing? And Kanan could do all this stuff too? If that was true, if they were both unnatural, that meant he wouldn’t have to worry about Kanan getting rid of him. Right?

Kanan leaned back slightly and Ezra let out an unintentional whimper, but Kanan didn't let go. He placed a hand under Ezra’s chin and lifted his head so that they were looking each other in the eyes. “Being Force-sensitive is nothing to be ashamed of.”

Even though he still felt muffled, Ezra could feel that Kanan didn’t quite believe that himself.

“But it’s dangerous for people like us right now. So you need to make sure you _never_ use the Force unless you’re with me and we’re hidden. Understand?”

Ezra immediately nodded. He already knew that he should never use his abnormal powers. He’s always failed to suppress the instinct and ‘feelings’ that welled up in him, but he hasn’t used this Force thing to _move_ anything in months. Now he was going to try doubly hard to suppress all these things.

Kanan smiled. It looked forced, but Ezra still took comfort from it. “Good. Do you have any questions?”

Ezra had a million questions, but he wasn’t able to turn any of them into coherent sentences, so he muttered, “No, Kanan.”

“Alright. Then let’s eat something. You definitely need to get more meat on those bones.”


	4. Getting Acquainted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The days and weeks pass, and Kanan and Ezra get to know one another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's not the most interesting chapter, but it's needed for character progression and pacing :P

Kanan knew that taking Ezra in was going to turn all of his life upside down. That didn’t mean that Kanan had been prepared for all the ensuing changes.

For the last seven years, he’s never spent more than a few months on any one planet. Even then, he rarely stayed in the same living quarters for longer than a couple of weeks. As of right now, he’s been living in this apartment on Yabol Opa for over two months. He had had already saved up enough money to leave in a week or two, but now he had to save up for a second ticket. That was just going to take time. To speed things up, he was trying to cut expenses everywhere he could. The most significant savings was in their change of diet. At this point, they were eating nothing but eggs, the cheapest source of food he could get that wouldn’t leave them starving. Thankfully, the kid didn’t seem to mind the monotony even though he had nothing to flavor the eggs with.

However, most of the credits he managed to save up went straight back into taking care of the kid. Besides the clothes and the medical patches he had bought for Ezra, he had also gotten him a few data tapes with stories and basic educational simulations that weren’t complete propaganda. It gave Ezra something to do while Kanan was out working. The moment he saw Ezra’s eyes light up at one of the projected stories, he knew that it was well worth the money.

As the days passed, small tidbits of Ezra’s life were coming to light, and they painted a very grim picture. While Ezra had been no stranger to physical abuse, it had evidently escalated after he had accidentally used the Force to push his cousin away, revealing to his relatives that he was Force-sensitive. But even before that, it seemed that his family never had any love for him. His parents had been executed when he had been an infant, and it seemed his aunt and uncle (particularly his aunt) had not been happy to be saddled with the son of convicted traitors.

What was even more telling was the lack of ‘Missing Child’ bulletins. One would have thought that the stormtroopers would be swarming the planet to search for the child of a rich and powerful couple (that is, rich and powerful enough to dine with the Grand Warden). But it had been two weeks and there had not been so much as a peep from the local government. Ezra’s relatives weren’t even _trying_ to get him back. While it did make Kanan’s life a little easier, it also spoke volumes about the kind of life Ezra must have had with these people.

That was why Kanan was doing everything in his power to give him a new, less terrible, life. It was a difficult adjustment to make. He was so used to simply surviving. Make enough money to live and keep moving, then spend the rest of his time doing everything he could to forget that he even existed. But now he had more than himself to think about.

The data-tapes were good for when Kanan wasn’t around, but Ezra had no interest in them when Kanan _was_ there. Once Ezra had figured out that asking questions wasn’t going to get him yelled at or beaten, he became an endless fountain of inquiries. He asked everything from the mundane (How old are you, Kanan? What’s your favorite color? Do you have any family?) to the more serious topics (Who’s Sheev Palpatine? What’s COMPNOR? Are _all_ aliens bad?).

The one topic Ezra stayed far away from was the Force. Although he didn’t seem to understand what it was and what it meant to be Force-sensitive, Kanan got the impression that he was afraid to learn more about it. It wasn’t surprising, considering the condition he had found Ezra in. Selfishly, Kanan was grateful for Ezra’s silence on the matter. He might want to protect the kid, but that didn’t mean he was prepared to discuss the Force and all that related to it. It would just dredge up painful memories, which was exactly what he has been spending years trying to avoid.

Unfortunately, the Force itself seemed to have different ideas. That is, if this bond that had inexplicably developed was any indication. As far as Kanan could tell, the strength of this bond was unprecedented. It honestly frightened him, and he was doing everything in his power to block it. The only time he ever willingly opened up their bond was to calm Ezra when he was having a nightmare. While it _was_ possible to wake and calm him without using their bond, it took time. And Kanan hated seeing and feeling the utter terror that would roll off of Ezra in waves, which meant he almost always end up projecting his own sense of calm and assuring Ezra that he was safe now. Through the bond, the kid would calm down in a manner of minutes as opposed to the hour or two it might take otherwise.

However, other than that, Kanan kept the bond shored up to prevent it from getting any stronger. It wasn’t fair to Ezra to be bonded with a man who wasn't even a Jedi, had _abandoned_ the ways of the Jedi years ago. Thankfully, Ezra didn’t seem to realize this bond was even there, so he hadn't noticed Kanan's very conscious efforts to cut each other off.

But despite his efforts, their bond seemed to be strengthening with every positive experience Kanan was trying to give the boy. The more time they spent together, the more they got to know each other, the more the bond wanted to grow, and the harder it was getting for Kanan to maintain his mental shield.

It was all reason Kanan needed to convince him that he needed to find someone _else_ who could take care of Ezra. Someone who was accepting of Force-sensitives (or better yet, Force-sensitive themselves) and better equipped to care for an abused child. To be sure, he would miss the kid. Even without the Force bond, it was impossible to ignore the normal social bond they had developed with one another.

 _“You must not grow too attached, too fond, too in love with life as it is now,”_ his master’s voice echoed in his head. _"Those emotions are valuable and should not be suppressed, but you must learn to rule them, padawan, lest they rule you.”_

It fortified Kanan’s resolve. He _would_ find someone - a good person - to take care of Ezra. In the end, it would be best if Ezra was raised by someone much better than him.

* * *

 

The last couple of weeks have been a blur for Ezra.

It wasn't the bad type of blur where he could hardly differentiate the days because he was locked up in the cramped hatch, his only form of timekeeping being when the droid took him out to use the restroom and the scent of alcohol in his uncle’s breath. No, this was a much _better_ blur, where everything was defined by whatever Kanan Jarrus was doing.

Kanan’s life didn’t seem to follow a strict schedule. Some days he worked a lot, some days he hardly worked at all. He often went out in the evenings, but not always. Those nights were the ones Ezra hated the most. Those were the nights where he was left alone. And when Kanan _did_ come back, he stank of alcohol and perfume, and he would barely acknowledge that Ezra was even there. Those were the nights that Ezra most feared that he was going to be kicked out onto the street. He made sure to be on his absolute best behavior and tried not to wake Kanan up with his nightmares. The last thing he wanted to do was to set off Kanan’s temper like he always did with his aunt and uncle.

But even during the few nights when Kanan was (relatively) sober, Ezra worried that he might accidentally push Kanan over the edge. His nightmares occurred almost nightly, and Kanan was almost always there to wake him up and hold him, all while whispering reassurances into his ear. A part of him feared that Kanan would start to get irritated by the constant rude awakenings. But at the same time… Ezra somehow knew that Kanan _wasn’t_ irritated with him. Since his first day with Kanan, the only times Ezra felt - _really_ felt - Kanan’s presence was when he was comforting him. And it was during these times that he was absolutely certain that Kanan _wanted_ to comfort him.

The problem was that his sense of Kanan always faded away, the certainty along with it. And it always made Ezra wondered if he was just imagining it. Just because he _hoped_  Kanan was okay with all of this doesn’t mean he actually was.

But even with all of this uncertainty, Ezra had never been happier. Kanan let him eat all the eggs he wanted, he was sleeping way more than he used to, and Kanan didn’t mind when he asked questions about anything. There was a lot about Kanan and the universe that Ezra didn’t understand, and he desperately wanted to.

“Why are you on Yabol Opa?”

Kanan was in the kitchen cooking dinner while Ezra sat at the table, his legs dangling off the side of the chair. The older man just shrugged, not even looking away from the pan. “It’s just another stop on my never ending journey through the galaxy. Besides, with so many different types of people - particularly humans - of all ages, it’s easy for someone like me to blend in here.”

“Why are you travelling through the galaxy?”

That question made Kanan pause. He looked over at Ezra, his blue-green eyes scanning over him like he was considering something. “Like I’ve said. It’s dangerous for people like us. Staying on the move is the best way to avoid getting caught.”

 _People like us_. Ezra knew exactly what Kanan was talking about. The Force stuff. Literally the only thing they had in common besides their gender and species. It was a concept that Ezra knew almost nothing about. He wanted to know more about it, questions constantly swirling around in his head during most of his waking hours. But he was also afraid. What if it just confirmed everything Aunt Sarai and Uncle Barnabas had ever said? What if, in answering the questions, Kanan realized that whatever he had originally thought of Ezra was wrong and not worth keeping around?

The curiosity and fear were constantly fighting with one another, but fear won out every time. “My aunt and uncle travel a lot too. But not because it’s dangerous for them. They’re rich, and have a lot of other rich friends that they visit.”

Kanan dumped the finished eggs onto two plates and carried them over to the table. “What planet are they originally from?”

Ezra was about to reply 'Coruscant', but then he realized that he wasn’t actually sure. His aunt and uncle had a lot of different homes. Coruscant was just the one they visited the most. “I-I don’t know.”

Kanan raised an eyebrow at that, but didn’t comment. He just slid a plate in front of him with a fork. “Eat.”

Ezra eagerly dug in, though not with as much gusto as he had those first couple days here. At first, he had been afraid that Kanan would stop wasting so much food on him, but now he was pretty sure that he was going to get at least two meals a day.

“Do you know what planet _you’re_ from?”

Ezra nodded as he chewed.

“And that is...?”

“Lothal.”

Kanan nodded, but there was no recognition in his expression. “Is that in the Outer Rim?”

“Yup. It’s a backwater mudhole with nothing redeemable about it.”

“Really? What makes you say that?”

Ezra shrugged. It’s just what his aunt always said, a fact that she often threw in his face. His uncle’s too, if she was angry at him.

With no verbal response, Kanan asked, “Do you have any memories of Lothal?”

Ezra shook his head. His earliest memories were of being taken care of by a droid in bare room with a window overlooking a noisy highway on Coruscant. At that point, he had already been taken in by his aunt and uncle.

“I’ve never been to Lothal,” Kanan said with a small smile. “How about we reserve judgement for when we visit at some point?”

Ezra's eyes widened. “That mean you’re taking me with you?” he asked excitedly.

Kanan’s smile faltered and Ezra’s heart skipped a beat. Did he say something wrong? But then Kanan replied, “Of course I’m taking you with me. We would have left this place two weeks ago if I could have afforded it.”

Kanan had implied as much before, but Ezra was relieved for the explicit confirmation. Maybe he was just being stupid, but he learned a long time ago to never take anything at face value. “Where we going to?”

“I don’t know. For the last year, I’ve just been making my way along the Perlemian Trade Route since the flights are frequent and cheap. I guess that means our next stop would be…” He paused for a moment, frowning. “... Castell, assuming we want to avoid shadowports.”

Ezra scrapped the last little bits of egg of his plate. “What’s a shadowport?”

“Technically? A port where criminals hang out. They’re actually great places to hide, but not exactly a great place for a…” Kanan stopped again and gave Ezra a questioning look. “How old are you?”

“Uh…” He tried remember if his aunt or uncle had mentioned his age at all recently. He knew Sarah - his cousin - was nine, which meant he had to be younger than her. “Eight? Seven?”

Kanan’s eyes widened slightly. “You don’t _know?”_

There was anger in his voice, making Ezra flinch. He just shook his head, afraid that he would say the wrong thing again.

“I’m not mad at you…” Kanan said, his voice softer this time. “Do you know when you were born?” He sighed when Ezra shook his head again. “Well, in any case, a shadowport is not a great place for a kid your age to be.”

Ezra nodded, staring at his hands in his lap. He had never thought of his age as anything important before. “I’m sorry…” he murmured.

“I thought I told you to stop apologizing. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

That wasn’t true, but Ezra wasn’t about to correct him. “W-When we leaving?” he asked, hoping to steer back to a normal conversation.

“Probably a week or two.” Kanan grabbed their empty plates and placed them in the kitchen sink. “Technically I have enough credits to leave now, but we’re going to want extra credits on hand to rent a place to sleep once we get Castell. Besides, I already paid for this place through to the end of the month. Might as well not waste it.” He turned around to face Ezra, leaning his hip against the counter and crossing his arms. “How are your sims going?”

Kanan was referring to the educational simulations he got for Ezra last week. Kanan was awfully concerned about how he was doing on them, regularly asking about what Ezra did or didn’t understand and even occasionally quizzing him. His concern confused Ezra. His aunt and uncle never cared this much about his performance. That is, beyond pointing out how poor his results were compared to Sarah's. “They’re okay,” Ezra murmured. “The history ones are pretty easy, but grammar and arithmetic are harder.”

“Nothing wrong with that. How about tomorrow you can show me the ones you’re struggling with and maybe I can help?”

Ezra smiled and quickly nodded. “I-If that’s okay.”

“Of course it’s okay.” Kanan looked out the window. It was almost an hour after sunset, only the barest of sunrays still illuminating the low sky a faint blue. “I’m going to head out for the night. Make sure you go to sleep at a reasonable hour. No waiting for me to come back, okay?”

Ezra's stomach dropped, unhappy that Kanan was once again leaving for the night. “O-Okay.”

Kanan walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze. Ezra automatically leaned against it, aching to ask Kanan to stay but not wanting to make any trouble.

Then the hand was gone, and Kanan left, leaving Ezra once again standing alone in the empty apartment. For several minutes, he just stared at the closed door, as if he might be able to will Kanan to come back. But like every other night, the door stayed stubbornly closed. Closing his eyes with a sigh, he wrapped his arms around himself and went to sit on the couch. There were a variety of things he could do right now. He could work on the simulations. He could watch the Holonet. He could watch one of those entertainment tapes.

Ezra stared into the open space in front of him and waited. He ignored the buzzing in his head that told him to go to the closet. For some reason, it always got more insistent whenever Kanan left him alone. Every now and then, he glanced at the clock to see how much time had passed. Sometimes he was dismayed to see that only minutes had passed when it had felt like hours. Sometimes he was surprised to see that hours had passed in what felt like seconds.

Midnight rolled around, and he knew Kanan wanted him to be asleep by now. He also knew that Kanan probably wouldn't be back for another few hours. Ezra went through the motions, grabbing a pillow and blanket and curling up on his side. His eyes were closed, but he wasn’t able to fall asleep. Even when his body sagged into the cushions, he stayed awake and kept his ears open.

This night was not as bad as other nights. It was only about an hour after midnight that uneven footsteps approached the apartment door. A small beep indicated the door being unlocked, followed by the quiet whoosh of it opening.

Ezra still had his eyes closed, but he couldn’t help the small sigh of relief as he listened to Kanan stumbling in. He finally let himself go, and before Kanan could even check on him, he had slipped into unconsciousness.


	5. The Holocron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra decides to figure out what's been calling to him.

The apartment was illuminated by the blue glow of the educational sim. A flashing blank space indicated where Ezra should put the verb with the correct tense. If he thought about it, he would have easily figured out the right answer and moved on to the next part. As it was, he was just staring blankly at the hologram, his mind focused on the ever present buzzing in his brain.

Ezra knew that he shouldn’t. There was a whole list of reasons why this was a horrible idea, chief of which being that Kanan would be furious if he found out that Ezra had been digging through his things.

But after weeks of this _pulling_ buzz gnawing on his mind, he couldn't take it anymore.

Kanan was out working again, leaving Ezra with his sims. He had said not to worry about the history ones, that they were mostly wrong anyway (although he didn’t specify how). However, Ezra's grammar was still atrocious, so for the first hour, he reviewed how tenses work.

Then, just like every other time Kanan left Ezra alone, something in the closet _pulled_ at him. The pull was always there, but it was when Kanan was gone that it became insistent, almost begging. It tickled at his mind, driving him crazy. Only Ezra's fear of being kicked out kept him from acting on this impulse.

Until now.

He told himself that he was just looking. Whatever it was, Ezra was convinced that it would stop bothering him once he did. At least, he hoped it would. Kanan wouldn’t even need to know. Ezra would look, tell whatever it was to stop _pulling_ at him all the time, then put it back.

He opened the closet. It looked exactly as it had before, as if no one had touched it. Now that he thought about it, he realized he had never actually seen Kanan opening this closet. He didn't keep any of his clothes or other belongings in here. Just these two mystery bags.

Ezra pulled out the first bag he had peaked into before. He opened it again to convince himself that it was still just filled with random metal parts. Whatever was calling to him wasn’t in it, so he set it aside. He glanced at the smaller bag. Unlike the first bag which seemed to have been haphazardly thrown in, this bag was carefully wrapped and neatly tucked away in the corner. His fear swelled, almost overcoming the buzzing pull _._ If Kanan had put this away so carefully, that meant it was precious to him. Which meant even more trouble for Ezra if Kanan ever found out.

Despite this, Ezra carefully grabbed the bag. It was lumpy, filled with more than one object. Memorizing how it was wrapped, he pulled back the fabric and pulled out its contents.

There were three things. One was a metal cylinder with black leather stripes along its length, a small ring hanging off the end. Another was a shorter cylinder that tapered off at one end with a flange at the other.

The last object was a golden cube. Each side had a diamond with a circle in it, the circle being dark blue and transparent. Ezra tried to look into the cube, but could see nothing but darkness.

This was it. He didn’t know how or why, but this mysterious cube was the object that had been calling to him. Sitting back on his butt, he examined it carefully, taking in every small detail and trying to see if he could… well… _see_ anything. The _pulling_ sensation hadn’t let up yet. There was something else he needed to do. Something else the cube _wanted_ him to do. What that something else was, Ezra had no idea.

For almost half an hour, Ezra stared at this thing. He tried desperately to _will_ it to do _something_ , but it remained stubbornly unresponsive in his hands. In an act of frustration, he threw it against the far wall where it bounced off and landed on the floor unharmed.

The mixture of frustration and anxiety stirring violently in him, Ezra curled up and buried his face into his knees. He had risked all of this for nothing. The pulling sensation hadn’t ceased. It probably wasn’t even real. Just another reason why he was a useless freak.

The cube tugged at him, and Ezra unwillingly felt himself relax. He didn’t move from his fetal position, but the tumult inside of him calmed somewhat.

_“_ _This is Master Obi Wan Kenobi."_

Ezra lifted his head and his eyes widened at the sight of the cube disassembled and floating in midair. A hologram of an older man in a dark robe was projected above it.

“... _This message is a warning and a reminder for any surviving Jedi. Trust in the Force. Do not return to the Temple…that time has passed. And our future is uncertain. We will each be challenged. Our trust. Our faith. Our friendships. But we must persevere. And in time, a new hope will emerge.”_

Jedi… Ezra recognized the word, but he had no recollection of what it meant. It seemed to refer to people, but what kind of people? They sounded like they were in trouble.

_“May the Force be with you, always.”_

The Force. The inexplicable thing that made Ezra different, and somehow connected him with Kanan. Was this man - this Obi Wan Kenobi - like them? Was he also Force-sensitive?

Obviously, Ezra had no way of answering these questions. All he could do was watch as the holo ended leaving an empty space above the disassembled cube.

He closed his eyes and drew his knees up to his chest again. The _pull_ from earlier didn’t seem assuaged. The cube still hummed at him, as if it held something that was important. But at this point, all Ezra could feel was the despair that he had betrayed Kanan’s trust for something so meaningless.

_“Caleb. You have always been curious. Now is the time to evaluate all your questions and to truly understand them.”_

Ezra looked up again, and this time he saw a human woman. Two beads decorated the bridge of her nose, her black hair tied back in two thick braids. She had a slight smile, and seemed to think her audience predictable.

“ _There is much for you to learn, young padawan._ ”

* * *

“You know, I’m going to miss having you around,” Oona said as she handed Kanan his pay.

Kanan gave a half smile. “Is that so?”

“Of course! Handsome young man wooing my customers… It’s good for business! And you’re not half-bad around the caf machine either.”

“Well, I’m just grateful for the credits.” Kanan caught the sight of a Mirialan woman with dark streaks encircling and highlighting her bright blue eyes. “Well, that and the sights…”

Oona smacked him on the arm. “Damn straight. It’s your charm that kept half these customers coming back.” She gave a dramatic sigh. “Now how will my poor little caf stand survive?”

Kanan rolled his eyes. “With your tenacity, I’m sure you’ll do just fine.”

“I suppose we’ll have to make do with just Bernon and Numm for now… but it’s going to be next to impossible to scout out a decent replacement for you!”

That gave Kanan pause. “Are _all_ of your employees men?”

“That is none of your business.” Oona gave him a gentle shove. “Now shoo! Don’t waste your time with an old witch like me. Go enjoy the next chapter of your young life!”

This time, Kanan gave her a genuine smile. “Thanks for everything, Oona. Don’t know what I’d do without you.”

The old woman smirked. “With your tenacity, I’m sure you would have done just fine.”

As he walked back to his apartment, Kanan stared happily at his last payment. With this money on hand, he and Ezra could take the next ship out of here. Which, incidentally, was only a couple days from now.

Despite how hectic the last few weeks have been, Kanan felt pretty good about life. Ezra was mostly recovered from his injuries, only the faintest sign of yellow bruises around his left eye. The scars that decorated his body would probably never fade, but those were in the past. Ezra had put on considerable weight, although his ribs still stuck out too much for Kanan’s liking. There was also the boy’s mental state to consider, but besides his persistent nightmares, Ezra seemed remarkably well-adjusted. He still flinched at sudden movements or become withdrawn if he thought he had done something wrong, but he was eager to learn and took great joy in some of life’s smallest pleasures.

Stranger still was the fact that he seemed to completely trust Kanan. Kanan tried to rationalize that it was because he was first one to treat Ezra like an actual person, but deep down, he knew it was more than that. He knew it was partially because of their bond.

He remembered his own bond with Master Billaba. It had sparked to life the moment he saw her suspended in that bacta tank. It was the uncanny feeling that he _knew_ her, even though he had never seen her before in his life. By the time he officially became her padawan, the Force had flowed freely between them. It synchronized them in battle and fostering a closer personal relationship in the matter of months.

_“Run! I’ll be right behind you!”_

It was how Kanan had known that she had been lying.

Kanan shook himself from his thoughts. He wasn’t going to let the past muddy the present. Ezra was doing well. Kanan was doing well. And they were almost ready to leave this planet for good. Kanan had every right to be happy right now.

His mind wandered aimlessly as he approached the apartment. However, there were faint waves in the Force that became unignoreable as he got closer. It wasn't simply Ezra's presence that was causing these ripples. Theses were due to someone actively _using_ the Force, and the only person that someone could be was Ezra.

Kanan tried to ignore his growing panic as he walked faster, but not so fast that he might draw any unwanted attention. What in Bane's name could Ezra be doing? He wasn't in danger. Kanan would have sensed it. So what could be so important that Ezra would use the Force after Kanan specifically warned him not to? Did Ezra not realize he was putting himself in danger for even  _attempting_ to use it?

When he opened the apartment door and saw nothing, his stomach dropped. But then he noticed a glow that was being projected from the far corner of the apartment. It wasn’t the blue glow of a holo; it was gold.

Almost numb, he walked in and froze at the sight of his master, her hologram hovering above the activated holocron.

“ _There is much for you to learn, young padawan._ ”

In front of his old master’s visage was the young boy he had been caring for. Kanan could only see the back of his head, but it was obvious that his attention was held rapt by the hologram.

Deep in Kanan’s chest, there was an almost unbearable burn. A myriad of unexplainable emotions flew by his head. Fear. Jealousy. Anger. And all he could manage to say was a single word. “Ezra.”

The boy jumped, and his head spun around. His eyes widened in fear as he quickly scrambled to his feet. “K-Kanan!” The hologram abruptly stopped, the holocron reassembling itself and dropping to the floor with its corners askew; a telltale sign that it had been opened in the first place. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t m-mean to t-touch your stuff, b-but…”

Kanan could feel the boy’s fear, but he stubbornly ignored it. All he could think about was his own fear and anger that swirled around his own mind without pity. “I told you _not_ to use the Force unless I was with you!”

Ezra flinched, his eyes brimming with tears. “I-I didn’t know. I just…” He swallowed, glancing down at the golden cube. “It _called_ to me…”

“Do you have any idea how _dangerous_ this is!?” Kanan yelled. “How you put both of our lives at stake? Most people would kill you if they so much as _glimpsed_ at what you were doing here!”

“I’m sorry!” Ezra blurted, tears now running down his face. “I d-didn’t mean to be bad! I-I won’t do it again, I promise!”

Kanan honestly wasn’t hearing what Ezra was saying. He just walked forward and picked up the holocron, stuffing it back in the bag where it belonged. “This artifact is a piece of crap anyway. A relic of Caleb Dume and his childish fantasies. I don’t even know why I keep the kriffing thing!”

There was a stretch of silence before the young boy’s voice suddenly broke it. “Kanan… W-Who’s Caleb?”

Without his consent, a burst of laughter bubbled out of him. “Caleb was a failure.”

The moment he said it, he regretted it. He regretted the bitterness in his voice, regretted bringing up his old self, regretted keeping the holocron in the first place.

 _Force_ , he needed a drink. Badly.

“I’m going out,” he muttered. A part of him knew he should stay. It was actually screaming at him to lower his shields and realize what he was doing, but he rejected it. All of this had brought up too much. He didn’t want to think about any of it. He didn’t want to _remember_ any of it. Dumping most the money Oona had given him on the counter, he turned around and left. He made sure his shields were up, and he comforted himself with the prospect of losing himself in a haze of drunkenness.

He couldn’t let himself think. If he did, he knew he would fall apart, and that spelled disaster.

He just needed to clear his head.

The haze of alcohol would do just that.

Just a few drinks, and everything would be fine.

Or at least, he would be able to tell himself that it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... Please don't kill me.


	6. Consequences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra and Kanan both try to cope in their own way.

Ezra stared at the closed door, feeling like his insides had just been ripped out. An uncontrollable onslaught of tears came over him, completely obscuring his vision. He gripped and yanked at his hair as he cursed himself for his stupidity. He knew digging through Kanan’s things had been wrong. The only reason he looked at the cube was because of this stupid _pulling_ in his mind, and what good had it done him? He had betrayed Kanan’s trust, and now he was going to have to face the consequences.

He fell to his knees, letting his tears fall onto the dirty carpet. He was useless. Kanan had been the first person - the _only_ person - to ever treat Ezra like he wasn’t a complete burden. Except he was. Kanan needed more money to feed Ezra, to give him new clothes and those fancy simulations. He had even said that he was bringing Ezra along with him off Yabol Opa, which meant more money just for travelling.

Aunt Sarai was right: Ezra was a freeloader. A pathetic, useless, dirty little cretin that barely deserved to live. And yet here Kanan was, sacrificing his own hard-earned money and time to accommodate him. After everything Kanan had done for him, Ezra had paid him back by rifling through his things and disobeying rules that Kanan had _explicitly_ given him.

It was no wonder Kanan left almost every night. Why would anyone want to stay in the same room as a filthy creature like him? He was stupid, ugly, filthy, worthless…

Ezra buried his face in his knees as the words echoed in his head. Words he had heard countless times before. Words used to describe him. He had no way to refute them. He _hoped_ Kanan would come back and punish him. At least then he knew he would be getting what he deserved. He could pay for his crimes and have a chance to prove that he could do better.

Even so, the thought terrified him, clenching at his heart and squeezing it painfully. The idea of Kanan hurting him, of being so disappointed that he needed to beat him, made Ezra want to throw up.

It took a moment for him to realize that that was exactly what he was doing. Hunched over himself, he was heaving onto the floor. A disgusting splatter of mostly-digested eggs, Ezra stared down at it in horror. Now he was making a mess too?! His breathing hitched and hiccuped as he forced himself to stand and stumble into the kitchen. He had to clean this up before Kanan got back, or else he’d be in even _more_ trouble than he already was.

He started to pick up the sour smelling pile of filth. He was worthless. He was less than nothing. He was a drain on every person he had ever touched.

Once all the chunks were gone, he grabbed soap and a towel and started scrubbing the dirty carpet.

Dirty, filthy, ugly, worthless...

He had to make it clean.

He had to make it right.

* * *

Kanan was drunk. He was completely aware of the world and yet completely numb to it. On a normal night, this would have been enough. It was the perfect balance of being coherent enough to woo the local lady-life but not being a complete slob while doing it. But tonight was different.

Kanan slapped his credits down. “Another.”

This bartender poured him another whiskey without question. She didn’t care how drunk Kanan already was. He had the credits and was willing to spend them. That was all that mattered.

A small part of Kanan knew that this was bad. Force, for a few years now, he knew that drinking like this wasn’t the best way to cope, to live life. But what did he care? He had no need to live a long life. As long as he was distracted enough to forget his nightmarish past, who cared whether or not he lived to be forty or a hundred?

_But you have someone who relies on you now._

Shaking his head, he smothered the thought. He grabbed the freshly poured drink and took a generous gulp of it. It was cheap, burning its way down his throat. He welcomed the burn. It meant he wasn’t quite dead yet.

_You yelled at him._

The image of the hurt and fear on Ezra’s face flashed before his eyes. A stab of guilt pierced him, but he insistently shook his head. “He… shouldaven’t touch’d it,” he mumbled to himself. “I… _told_ … him…”

_You refuse to talk about the Force with him, and yet you expect him to know how to avoid it? What are you, an idiot!?_

Yes. He was an idiot. He was the pathetic ex-padawan of a master who had deserved better. Ezra deserved better. It wasn’t fair that he ended up with a loser like Kanan.

_Fair or not, you’re all he’s got!_

“Shuddup,” Kanan mumbled, hitting his head with the palm of his hand. He didn’t ask for this. He wasn’t a Jedi. He didn’t ask to be responsible for another Force-sensitive. A bitter part of him wondered why the Force couldn’t have led someone else who was much more qualified to take care of Ezra.

 _Maybe you_ **_are_ ** _the most qualified._

Downing the rest of his drink, Kanan looked around the bar desperately for a distraction. A Togruta woman with pale purple skin and white and blue markings on her lekku caught his eye. She was standing at a table by herself, seemingly lost in thought.

Taking a deep breath and smoothing out his clothes, Kanan walked up and made his move. “Hey d’ere. Don’ thin I’ve ever seen _you_ before.”

One of her brow ridges raised before she gave a small smile. “A little desperate, are we?”

“ _Desperate?_ ” Kanan scoffed. “If I were _desperate,_ I’d be hittin’ on de ugly ones!”

Her smile widen, which Kanan took as a good sign. “Fran’ly, you _way_ too pretty to be down ‘ere!”

“Abetta?”

Frowning at the intrusion, Kanan turned to the new voice that was coming from a Togruta man. He had the more typical rust colored skin, the stripes on his lekku thinner and closer together. “Ya mind?”

The man’s lip curled, walking up to the woman and wrapping an arm around her. “I do, actually. Abetta is my fiancee.”

Kanan laughed. “Flirty for a bride-to-be!” He gave her a wink, which made her blush. “Even with trash like me…”

The man shoved Kanan back. “Recognize when you’re not wanted!” He turned back to the woman, whispering something into her ear that Kanan couldn’t discern.

Knowing a lost cause when he saw one, Kanan raised his hands defensively before retreating. He spent a couple more minutes scanning the scenery, disappointed when nothing promising came up. With a sigh, he shoved his hands into his pockets and walked out. Maybe he would have better luck somewhere else.

Walking outside in the chilly air and relatively empty streets, his subconscious came back into the foreground without his bidding. _You're still determined to leave Ezra alone in that apartment_ …

Kanan’s face twisted into a scowl. “Be’er without me than with.”

 _Cut the banthashit! Whether you like it or not, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to that boy_.

How depressing was that? He was a drunk and failure, and yet that somehow constituted as something better.

 _This isn’t about you, you selfish jackass! It’s about the boy. The child you terrified and left alone in your apartment_.

There really wasn’t any reason to deny it. He knew he had scared Ezra by yelling at him. He knew he should have stayed behind and fully explained why using the holocron was so dangerous.

But seeing his old master’s face, floating above the holocron she had given him… it brought back too many memories. He had repressed that period of his life for so long, he had no idea how to even begin processing it. He wasn’t that person anymore. Caleb was dead. He had been a useless padawan who had failed his master and didn’t deserve to even be _thought_ about it.

Kanan sighed. He didn’t know what was worse: being a failure to the Jedi Order or being a hopeless drunkard.

“Hey! Hey you!”

The sharp voice broke through his haze of self-hatred enough that he turned around. He squinted his eyes and was just able to recognize the male Togruta from before. “What?” Kanan asked exasperatedly. “I left your w-woman alone….”

Somewhat belatedly, Kanan realized that the Togruta was flanked by two others of his species. Not thinking straight, Kanan wracked his brain as to why a Togruta woman would have three mates. He had no recollection of that being part of Togruta tradition.

“Yeah, well I didn’t like the way you looked at her,” the fiance sneered. The other two spread out. Even in Kanan’s state, he could tell they were trying to flank him.

Kanan had no patience for this. “For kriff’s sake… Can’ you see that I’m _leaving?_ ”

The disgruntled fiance gave a smirk. “I just want to make sure I was clear.”

The other two leapt at him. Kanan managed to dodge the first one, but the second smashed his fist into Kanan’s face. Cursing, Kanan swung back and caught his assailant’s jaw. But he was barely able to feel smug before the other one kicked the back of his knees. Forced kneel in the street, Kanan looked up and snarled. He was _not_ in the mood for this. He would show these jokers that even in his inebriated state he was a force to be reckoned with.

He swung out one of his arms, catching it with one of their legs and making them fall onto their back. Propelling himself into a standing position, he blocked the punch the other threw at him before jabbing his fist into the Togruta’s side multiple times. He stumbled back and Kanan delivered the final blow, elbowing him in the face and knocking him to the ground.

Spinning around to face the disgruntled lover, he was surprised to find the bastard charging him with a stun-staff that Kanan hadn’t spotted before. He was barely able to dodge, but doing so threw him off-balance. Had he been less drunk, he would have easily regained his footing. As it were, he was only able to fall backwards on his backside. He looked up and his eyes widened as the man was about to deliver a more devastating blow.

An old instinct kicked in, and Kanan thrust his hand forward. The Togruta was flung back with a strangled yelp, losing the grip on his weapon. He hit the side of an old dumpster with a grunt before falling to the ground.

Everything around Kanan froze. He had not lashed out like this since he had escaped Grey and Styles. At the time, he had sworn that it would be the last time he would ever put such faith in the Force.

This night had proven him to be a liar.

The Togruta had not been knocked unconscious. He was shaking his head to clear the disorientation the blow had cause. Once he caught sight of Kanan again, his eyes widened and his teeth bared. “You’re a _Jedi_!”

The word was spat with such venom that it almost made Kanan flinch. Despite suppressing his reaction, he knew he had kriffed up. He immediately got up and turned away, hoping they hadn’t gotten a good look at his face.

“Sorcerer!” the Togruta screamed behind him. “Someone! Troopers! There’s a Jedi here!”

Through his haze, Kanan managed to flee, taking several turns into small alleyways and streets until he was certain that he had lost his pursuers. However, he wasn’t so naive to think that this was the end of the story. News of a Force user - a potential Jedi - would spread like wildfire. It was not an idle accusation to make, and the authorities would take it very seriously. At worse, they would contact the Empire and an Inquisitor would be sent.

They had to get off the planet. Tonight.

He walked fast back to the apartment, just shy of a full run. He had to remain as inconspicuous as possible. Panic grappled at his throat, constricting his airways and blackening the edges of his vision, but he forced himself to breathe evenly and remain conscious.

He was an idiot. And to think, he had been angry at _Ezra_ for putting them in danger. Activating the holocron was nothing compared to using the Force in plain sight like this. How could he have been so _stupid_?!

Remembering his anger from before caused him to choke. He wanted to blame the holocron, the image of his master and all the painful memories it had drudged up, but he knew that there was no good excuse for how he had acted. He may have told Ezra to avoid using the Force, but they had never really talked about what the Force _was._ They had both avoided the topic like it was a black hole, threatening to swallow them up. So how could Ezra possibly be expected to avoid the Force when he didn’t even understand what it was and what it could do?

It shouldn’t have been a surprise that Ezra had been drawn to the holocron. It thrummed with the Force, and it was only with great discipline that Kanan was able to block it out. Ezra had none of that discipline, so if he could feel it as keenly as Kanan, it was remarkable that the boy had waited this long before investigating it.

Ezra had done what what any other youngling would have: satisfy his childish curiosity and explore the extents of his natural talents.

And Kanan had yelled at him for it.

The adrenaline and guilt had effectively neutralized the effects of all the alcohol he had consumed. His senses were definitely not as sharp as they would be otherwise, but he felt nothing but sober at this point. It was good, since he was going to need all his wits about him if he was going to simultaneously make it up to Ezra and get them off this rock.

When he reached the apartment, he hesitated for a moment outside of the door. He wondered if he should lower his shields, let Ezra feel just how truly sorry and guilty he was. But then he immediately dismissed the idea. The last thing the kid needed was to have all of Kanan’s tumultuous emotions spill over and overwhelm him. And he was still resolute in his decision that this bond of theirs should be kept in check. With any luck, it would atrophy and die away.

In the meantime, Kanan was going to undo the damage he had undoubtedly caused Ezra.


	7. Escape from Yabol Opa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a mad dash, Kanan and Ezra escape from the university planet.

Ezra finished scrubbing his vomit from the floor, leaving behind a large wet spot. Now the towel was a disgusting mess, and Ezra had no idea what to do with it. For now, he hid it in the back of one of the cabinets and prayed Kanan would never find it.

It had been an hour since Kanan had stormed out, and Ezra was pacing back and forth as he wrung his hands together until they had been rubbed raw. His mind was racing and his anxiety thrummed in his chest like an engine in overdrive. He was doubting everything, his thoughts stuck in a loop of fear and self-hate. Kanan was so nice to him, but maybe it was just an act. Maybe he was actually angry and annoyed that he had spent so much money to take care of a brat, but he was just too nice to tell Ezra. After all, who would want to waste precious resources on a piece of slime like him?

Kanan had to hurt him. Ezra _needed_ him to hurt him. He didn’t want Kanan’s anger to simmer under the surface until it eventually boiled over. Ezra could take a simple beating. He could. And if made Kanan feel better, then it would all be for the best.

Another sob rose up in him, and Ezra wiped his face with an edge of frustration. He had no reason to cry. He had put himself into this mess. He needed to suck it up and face the consequences. Crying would only make things worse. Kanan might think it was an attempt at pity, and that would only make him angrier.

Then, much earlier than expected, Ezra felt Kanan approaching. His breath caught in his throat. This was it. Kanan had come home early to give Ezra the beating he deserved. The stench of alcohol would be thick on him, like it often was on his aunt and uncle. Ezra would take it without complaint and pray that he would be forgiven by morning. He wiped his face off one last time before kneeling in the center of the apartment facing the door. He wrapped his arms around himself as door was unlocked.

Usually Kanan would come stumbling in, closing the door behind with with a slam before lazily kicking his boots off. Not tonight. Kanan’s body was stiff as he opened and closed the door very deliberately, as if he was trying to be as quiet as possible. “Ezra?” he called out quietly, an edge of desperation in his voice.

Ezra’s fear and panic wavered. This did not match his image of a righteously angry man.

Kanan turned on the light, making them both squint for a moment at the harsh gleam. Once their vision had cleared, Kanan’s eyes immediately fell on Ezra, and some emotion flashed across his face. His shoulders slumped as he stepped toward Ezra, falling to his knees. While he seemed more clearheaded than normal, the slight sway of his body and the sharp scent of alcohol confirmed that he had definitely been drinking. “ _Force_ , Ezra, I’m so sorry…”

Kanan reached forward and placed a hand on Ezra’s shoulder. Ezra flinched at the contact, but his fear of a beating was now at odds with what he was hearing and seeing. The apology made no sense. Kanan had done nothing. Ezra was the one who had been bad. But looking at up Kanan, Ezra could see that his eyes were red-rimmed as he stared at Ezra almost pleadingly.

When he didn’t respond, Kanan pulled him into a tight hug, eliciting a sharp gasp of surprise. “I kriffed up,” he mumbled, his words only slightly slurred. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you. I shouldn’t have gotten angry. It wasn’t your fault. It was mine. All of this, everything is my fault.”

The hug was so tight, Ezra was a little afraid that he might stop breathing. However, he hardly noticed it over the _wrongness_ of this entire situation. The way Kanan was acting, the things he was saying… everything about this was just _wrong_. Ezra wanted to speak up, deny Kanan’s apology, insist that it was his fault, but Kanan hardly paused in his word-vomit.

“I was scared. For you. For me. I just saw her and I couldn’t… I was stupid. And now we have to leave.” He abruptly pushed Ezra back, holding him at arm’s length. “We have to leave. Now.” He stood and almost ran to his closet, pulling out all of his belongings and stuffing them into a larger bag.

A little more than shaken from Kanan’s odd behavior, Ezra slowly stood, his eyes tracking every movement. “K-Kanan… What’s going on?”

Kanan froze. He glanced over at Ezra, his face twisting into something painful. But then the expression was gone and he went back to packing. “Remember how I told you to never use the Force? That it was dangerous?” Ezra barely nodded before Kanan said, “Well, I used the Force. And now we’re in danger.”

Ezra’s head was starting to hurt, his brain struggling to keep track of what was going on. It wasn’t even five minutes ago that he was anticipating a richly deserved punishment. Now he was trying to reconcile the fact that Kanan didn’t seem mad at all anymore on top of the fact that they were apparently leaving. “W-Where we g-going?”

“I don’t know.” He was in the kitchen now, stuffing old ration packs into his bag. “Depends what ship is leaving Yabol Opa next.”

A small strangled noise escaped Ezra’s throat. They were leaving the _planet?!_ He uselessly glanced at the door. He hadn’t even been outside of the apartment since Kanan had saved him. While he hated it when Kanan left, he had no problem with hiding securely in this little hovel. Even if the furniture was uncomfortable, the temperatures would fluctuate greatly, and there was almost nothing blocking their neighbor’s shouting, Ezra has been happier here than he remembers _ever_ being.

He knew Kanan had been planning on leaving anyway, but he didn’t think they would be leaving this suddenly. He wasn’t ready. He wasn’t prepared to face the outside world, to feel their swirling emotions, to see them look at him with disgust…

A hand was on his shoulder, and Ezra automatically leaned into the warm body next to him. It was only when he felt how still Kanan was that he realized he was shaking. A moment later, Kanan was kneeling in front of him, his eyes wide with worry. “I’m so sorry,” he repeated, his voice barely above a whisper. “I promise I’ll make this up to you, but right now we need to go.”

Ezra squeezed his eyes shut and nodded his head. At least he had Kanan with him. While the thought of going outside terrified him, he knew he would be able to do this as long he could stay with Kanan.

Kanan placed a hand on Ezra’s cheek, his thumb gently rubbing over the dried tear streaks that were there. A sense of calm slowly washed over Ezra, evening out his breathing and reducing his shaking to a fine tremor. He opened his eyes and gazed into Kanan’s pale blue-green ones that silently promised that everything was going to be okay. Hesitantly, Ezra smiled. “‘M ready.”

Kanan smiled back, giving his cheek an affectionate pat. “Alright.” He stood and flung his bag over his shoulder. “Let’s go.

Ezra didn’t know what time it was, but it was late enough that the streets were almost completely empty. In the distance, he could hear the chatter of people enjoying each other’s company, but this area was more residential and so quieter.

This didn’t seem to put Kanan at ease. He had an almost painful grip on Ezra’s shoulder as he led him through a maze of neighborhoods and streets. Every now and then, they would abruptly stop, waiting on bated breath as locals walked by.

He didn’t know how far they were going to have to go, but wasn’t long before Ezra’s legs were burning. He’s never had to run like this in his entire life. Despite his best efforts, he was panting heavily, his lungs starting to scream at him with every breath. Every time they had to stop, he took deep gulps, burying his face into Kanan’s side so he wouldn't make too much noise.

It was obvious when they got closer to their destination. While there weren’t any civilians, the planet’s law enforcement were beginning to make themselves known. They had to stop more, Kanan quietly cursing and backtracking several times when they come upon a street filled with stormtroopers. Ezra merely let Kanan lead him in this dizzying game of tooka-cat and mouse. A few times, he caught some of the words the stormtroopers were saying.

“... I thought they were all dead?”

“It can’t _really_ be an actual Jedi.”

“They’re all traitors!”

The last statement had made Kanan flinch. Ezra shivered at the brief impulse of pain that radiated from him. He reached up to Kanan’s arm and squeezed it, hoping to provide a modicum of comfort. He didn’t know if he succeeded, but Kanan did glance down and flashed him a strained smile. “It’s going to be okay,” he whispered.

After an impossibly long time, their frenzied journey came to an end as they reached the local space port. There were two sides of the port, clearly delineated by a large wall. The cleaner and more architecturally fancy side was for passenger ships coming to and from the planet. At this time of night, the lights were all off and it was quiet. The other side was obviously for cargo ships, bringing in food and supplies. On that side the lights were on, although there were only a few ships that were active. The wall that separated it from the passenger side was covered in welcoming phrases from the various human languages used throughout the galaxy.

If they were going to leave as soon as possible, they obviously weren’t going to wait until morning to take a passenger ship. It left Ezra wondering how they were going to gain passage on a cargo ship. Would Kanan bribe a ship captain, or would they simply try to sneak on unnoticed? He swallowed down the anxiety that rose up in him as he recalled the angry rants his aunt would go on about finding stowaways on her trade ships. Usually they were just thrown into prison or given a hefty fine, despite his aunt’s desire to have them suffer a much worse fate.

From the way Kanan was acting, Ezra suspected that they wouldn’t be so lucky if they were caught.

Kanan carefully guided them towards the cargo side of the port, using the shadows of nearby buildings to keep them hidden. Once they got close enough, he took a minute to eye the three ships that were docked there. Lucky for them, the one closest to them looked about ready to leave: a light freighter. It wasn’t a class Ezra immediately recognized, though it was not unfamiliar to him.

Waiting for the closest guards to leave, Kanan dashed towards the ship. One of the crewmates was standing by the ramp, overseeing the last of their shipment. Kanan shoved Ezra down behind a couple crates with a particularly stiff shove, giving him a stern look, before approaching the crewmate. Ezra let himself peak over one of the crates as Kanan spoke to her.

He waved a hand in front of her face. “Tell me where you’re going.”

She blankly gazed at him for a couple seconds before speaking. “We are headed for Shulstine V.”

Kanan didn’t seem very happy about this, but gave a forced smile as he waved his hand in front of her again. “You will let my friend and I smuggle aboard, and you will tell no one about it.”

A couple more seconds passed. “I will let you and your friend board, and I will tell no one about it.”

Ezra stared wide-eyed at the spectacle. Was Kanan mind-controlling her?

Seemingly satisfied, Kanan walked back and retrieved Ezra, leading him onto the ship with a watchful eye. “We’ll have to hide among the cargo,” Kanan muttered. “But it’s only a few hours to Shulstine V. It shouldn’t be too hard for us to keep our heads down until then.”

The ship was much smaller than the trade ships Ezra was used to seeing. It wasn’t until Kanan pried a panel loose that he truly realized the extent to which they would be hiding. Kanan nodded his head, and Ezra crawled in. Kanan was close behind him, securing the panel once he was in all the way.

The space was cramped, only about a meter of cubic space. And they had to share it with a couple of crates. Ezra was small, but Kanan was a full grown man and was obviously cramped. “You okay?” Ezra whispered.

Kanan smiled. “I’ll be fine,” he whispered back. “I’ve been in worse spots.”

The words rang true, but it still felt too claustrophobic for a man of Kanan’s size. Still, Ezra didn’t want to argue with him. Especially since they had gone through so much effort already to secure a way off the planet. “What if we need to go to the ‘fresher?” Ezra asked.

“We’ll figure it out.” Kanan paused. “Do you need to go now?”

Ezra shook his head.

Kanan chuckled. “Good.” A moment passed. “Because I think I’ll need to soon.”

There was a loud banging and the hiss of pressurized gas. The ship was being closed up for takeoff.

“But I’ll live,” Kanan added. He lifted an arm and wrapped it around Ezra’s shoulders, pulling him in tightly against his side.

Ezra leaned against him gratefully, still not quite able to process the fact that they were smuggling on a ship about to leave this place. “Kanan?” he asked hesitantly.

“Hmm?”

“We’re not g-going to C-Castell?”

There were several long moments of silence. Ezra felt his stomach jolt as the ship took off. The inertial dampeners must not have been engaged yet. Hopefully they were working or else their insides would be splattered against the inside of this cargo hold as soon as the ship jumped into hyperspace.

A loud roaring enveloped the ship as it flew through the atmosphere. It shook with turbulence, rattling its contents. Kanan tightened his grip on Ezra, protecting from the worst of it as the crates shifted uncontrollably around the small hold. Then it all dissipated with a bang as the ship broke into the vacuum of space.

“We had to get off Yabol Opa,” Kanan whispered, still holding Ezra tightly. He had a hand pressing Ezra’s head against his chest, his mouth inches from Ezra's ear. “Once we get to Shulstine V, then I’ll figure out a way to get us somewhere else.”

The ship clanked and moaned. Ezra jumped in Kanan’s arms, pressing himself harder against the older man. Kanan didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he just gave Ezra quick squeeze. Ezra had been on plenty of ships before, but none of them had even been quite this noisy. He couldn’t help but imagine parts of the ship falling off, eventually leading to the whole thing falling apart and leaving them in to die in the vacuum of space.

But then there was the familiar whine of the hyperspace drive kicking into gear. One final jolt and they were soaring safely through hyperspace. Ezra could finally let himself breathe normally. He could relax, and he had almost dozed off in Kanan’s arms before the man’s voice floated above him. “So… I really do need to use the refresher.”

Ezra almost jumped from Kanan’s arms. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Kanan gave a low chuckle. “Don’t be.” He crawled forward, looking out through the holes of the panel. After a moment, he looked back. “Do you need to go?” After Ezra shook his head, Kanan gave a reassuring smile. “Okay. I’ll be back in a flash.” He pried off the panel and crawled out. After replacing it, Ezra could only listen as Kanan snuck away, his footsteps fading until they were drowned out by the unsettling clanking and hissing.

As Kanan disappeared into the heart of the ship, panic once again began to rise in Ezra. He had no idea what was going on. The last couple of hours have all been a blur, and while Kanan had tried to explain, Ezra really didn't understand most of what he had said. Now he was alone, hiding on an unknown ship headed for an unknown destination… and he was stuck in a small hideaway with a bunch of crates.

Thoughts of Kanan being caught and captured floated to the forefront of Ezra’s mind. A part of him knew that Kanan was more than capable of taking care of himself, but that didn’t stop him from imagining the worst. Local law enforcement or stormtroopers slapping a pair of durasteel handcuffs onto him and hauling him away to never be seen again. They would find Ezra hiding away like a rat and hand him back to his aunt and uncle. They would surely beat him raw and bloody, starve him for a month if not longer for making fools of them. He would never see Kanan again. These last few weeks would fade into a forgotten memory, and no one would ever give Ezra so much as a second glance ever again.

There was a small noise on the other side of the panel. Ezra held his breath as it was moved aside, only letting go when he saw that it was Kanan, back safe and sound. “You’re okay,” he breathed, his voice shuddering with the simple phrase.

Kanan frowned as he replaced the panel. Once he made sure it was secure, he crawled back and pulled Ezra in close. “Of course I’m okay.” He placed a hand on the side of Ezra’s face, using his thumb to wipe away tears Ezra hadn’t realized he had let fall. “I’ve done this a few times before. I know what I’m doing.”

Ezra pushed himself against Kanan’s broad chest, leaning heavily against his side and nestling his head against the man’s shoulder. The day had been exhausting. But then he remembered the incident with the cube, and Ezra fought against the heaviness pulling at his eyelids. “‘M sorry.”

“Shhh…” Kanan ran a hand through Ezra’s hair, the arm wrapped around his back squeezing him even tighter. “None of this is your fault.”

Ezra gave a small shake of his head. “I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t have touched your things…”

Kanan gave a large sigh. “Again, it’s not your fault. But we need to stay quiet now, okay? We can talk about this later.”

The guilt still hung heavily in his chest, but Ezra nodded, too tired to argue. At the very least, he knew Kanan wasn’t about to abandon him. He had time to convince Kanan to keep him for the long run. That thought in mind, he let his eyes slip close, absorbing the warmth and safety Kanan’s arms gave.

At least he was safe for now.

* * *

It would take about eight hours for this ship to reach Shulstine V from Yabol Opa. Hopefully, the authorities wouldn't realize he had left the planet until morning. By then, it would be almost impossible for them to figure out which ship he had taken to get off world.

Now that they were settled onto this smuggling ship, Kanan was struggling to relax enough to get any actual rest. He had slept on all manner of surfaces with no problems before. Whether it be a damp forest floor, a hard metal grating, or even a patch of unstable sand, Kanan had never had much trouble finding a position comfortable enough to get some decent shut eye.

Of course, he had never had a child curled up on his lap like this before either.

Ezra started out nestled against Kanan’s chest, but as the time passed, he slowly ended up curled on the ground with his head cradled in Kanan’s lap. Kanan had a hand resting on his shoulder, rubbing it absentmindedly. His legs were starting to go numb and his back ached from leaning against the hard crates, but he wasn't willing to move. Not yet. It was nice to see the kid sleep peacefully for a change, and he didn’t want to disturb it.

He could hardly believe how comfortable Ezra seemed, considering the crap Kanan had put him through today. Earlier, when he saw Ezra sitting there in the middle of the apartment - his eyes red and puffy and his face tearstained - the guilt had literally brought Kanan to his knees. His apology had been woefully inadequate, yet Ezra still trusted him. At least, trusted him enough to fall asleep in Kanan’s arms.

And that was painful for Kanan. It was a physical pain that stabbed at his chest, telling him over and over again how kriffed up this all was. Ezra should have been angry or at least wary of Kanan after he had given the kid a completely undeserved tongue lashing. While he _had_  been a little afraid when Kanan had returned, that fear had all too easily melted away with just a simple hug and weak apology. It wasn’t normal or healthy, and it made Kanan even more furious at Ezra’s pathetic relatives. Their abuse had made the boy all too eager to accept even the most meager of comforts.

But more than that, it made Kanan angry at himself. He didn’t deserve the unwavering affection Ezra gave him so freely. He didn’t deserve the bright smile Ezra gave him every time he walked through the door. He didn’t deserve the warm and comforting feeling of having Ezra wrapped and secure in his arms.

Kanan was crying, but he didn’t realize it until a tear fell silently into Ezra’s hair. He smoothed a hand over Ezra’s head, wiping it away, before leaning his head back and blinking rapidly in a failed attempt to get the tears to stop.

It was all because of this stupid bond. It was the only reason Ezra trusted him so much, and that wasn’t fair to him. He should be forming this bond with a real Jedi master, not with some failed ex-padawan drunkard who could barely take care of himself.

And yet, a deeply selfish part of Kanan clung to the bond like a drowning man clinging to a life preserver. Ezra’s presence in his mind was a glimmer of light that brushed up against the dark depression that has laden his mind for years. Even with his shields up, the bond’s mere existence was a reassuring balm on his often tumultuous thoughts.

It wasn’t right. Ezra was a child, and he didn’t deserve to saddled with Kanan’s broken mind. The only good thing it had ever brought Ezra was the little bit of calm Kanan managed to project whenever he was having a nightmare. But that hardly balanced the scales. Kanan was taking too much and giving too little. After everything he’s been through, Ezra shouldn’t have to bear such a burden.

Closing his eyes, Kanan took a deep shuddering breath. He would do better. If he was the best Ezra has got, then by stars, he was going to spend every waking moment making sure Ezra had the best life Kanan could possibly give. He was going to keep the bond shielded and pray that it would someday disappear, freeing Ezra from him. The thought brought on another wave of silent tears, but he bit his lip and forced his own misery down.

This wasn’t about him. This was about Ezra. For once in his pathetic life, he was going to do something right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, Ma! No cliffhanger!


	8. Shulstine V

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan figures out a new plan of action.

The journey to Shulstine V was largely uneventful. They stayed in the small cargo hold except for the one time Kanan deemed it safe enough to leave to use the refresher and get a quick drink of water. They couldn’t really talk much for fear that someone might discover them, but Ezra spent most of the time sleeping anyway. And after weeks of nightmare-riddled sleep, his body was taking this opportunity to catch up on some much needed rest.

The ship fell out of hyperspace, and Kanan prepared them to leave, stuffing any signs of their presence into his bag. Once they had landed, Ezra followed Kanan’s lead as he easily snuck them off the ship and onto the landing platform without any of the crewmates noticing.

Once there was no more danger of being caught, Ezra got a good look at Shulstine V. He had never seen such a place in his entire life. There were mismatching buildings that looked to be stacked on top of each other, thousands of electrical cords hanging from pole to pole, building to building. Almost everything seemed to be in some sort of disrepair, but that didn’t seem to bother or hinder the thousands of people who swarmed the place. There were small carts littering the streets with various beings yelling over the din at potential customers in Basic and other languages Ezra couldn’t begin to identify. He had seen his fair share of aliens in his life but never so many different species in one place. And never had he seen humans so utterly dwarfed in number compared to other beings.

It kind of reminded Ezra of Coruscant, if Coruscant was smaller, dirtier, and had a lot more aliens.

Kanan didn’t seem to be sharing Ezra’s wonder. A firm hand on his shoulder, Kanan led him through the throng of beings. He moved easily between them, brushing shoulders with most without so much as a sideways glance. Ezra had a death grip on the back of Kanan’s shirt, certain he would be lost forever if they got separated.

They slipped into one of the buildings, and Ezra let go of a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Even though they were out of the crowds, he still maintained his grip on Kanan’s shirt as they walked through the grungy reception area. It was small and the only other beings there were a female Rodian receptionist and a male Duros with a wide-brimmed hat standing in the corner.

“Any vacancies?” Kanan asked the Rodian.

The Rodian nodded. “Two hundred credits a night for a single.”

Kanan frowned, but didn’t say anything. He just dug into his pocket and pulled out a credit chip. “My… son and I want to get to Columex. You wouldn’t happen to know if there are any transports headed that way.”

Ezra blinked. Columex? He thought they were going to Castell.

The Rodian cocked his head, one of her antennae twitching in thought. “Talk to Basel. He’s a hammerhead who runs an operation all up and down the Route.” The Rodian plugged the chip in, taking the necessary credits. “It won’t be cheap, but he’ll get you where you need to be safe and sound. Go about a klick that way...” She pointed in the direction behind her. “You’ll find his setup.”

Kanan nodded as he took back his chip and the key card to their room. “Thanks.”

If Ezra thought their room on Yabol Opa was dirty, it was nothing compared to this room. Every surface was covered in grime, rust, or both. Dead insects littered the corners of the floor. There was no kitchen or any other furniture to speak of except for a bed with yellowing sheets and a small rickety-looking table by the window. The light flickered and strained to stay on, illuminating everything in a sickly yellow glow. It stank of ship exhaust and grease, making Ezra automatically cover his nose.

None of this seemed to bother Kanan as he strode in and dropped his bag on the creaky bed. When he turned around and saw Ezra’s look of utter disgust, he gave a small chuckle. “I know. Hopefully we won’t have to stay longer than a night.” He sat down on the bed, making it whine with the strain. “C’mere.”

Ezra immediately went and sat by Kanan’s side, the bed barely made a sound as he did. Kanan handed him a ration bar. “I’m going to need find more soon,” he muttered to himself as Ezra ripped it open and began munching on it.

They sat in a comfortable silence, Kanan staring off into the middle distance as Ezra leaned against his side eating. Once the bar was gone, Ezra hands started fiddling with the sleeves of his shirt. The cuffs near his hands were dirty from Ezra’s constant worrying them, but that didn’t stop him from rubbing his fingers against the tight seams.

Now that they were in the relative safety of this room, Ezra began thinking about why they were even here. He remembers Kanan briefly mentioning that Shulstine V was a shadowport, but Ezra also remembers Kanan explicitly saying that someone like Ezra didn’t belong here. So why did he suddenly decide to take this detour? And why weren’t they going to Castell anymore?

“Kanan?”

The older man blinked, broken out of his reverie, before glancing down at Ezra. “Yeah, kiddo?”

“Why’d we leave?”

Kanan stared at him like he was struggling to understand the question. A sinking suspicion made Ezra's stomach squirm. “I-Is it… is it because I…?”

Kanan shook his head. “No, it had nothing to do with the holocron.”

The holocron? Is that what the cube was called? “I… I shouldn’t have…”

“Ezra, stop.” Kanan wrapped an arm around his back with a sigh. “I mean it. It really wasn’t your fault, and you have no reason to apologize.”

“But you were so _angry_.”

Kanan flinched and Ezra immediately regretted saying it. But before he could apologize, Kanan replied, “I was _wrong_. I could try to explain why I reacted the way I did, but they would just be excuses. I shouldn’t have gotten angry. I shouldn’t have yelled at you.” His grip on Ezra’s arm tightened, his face scrunching into something that looked like pain. “The reason we had to leave so suddenly was because of me. I used the Force against a drunk idiot in front of other people. I knew if we stayed, I’d probably be captured and executed. And if they figured out that you were Force-sensitive, you probably would be too.”

Ezra’s eyes widened at that. Kanan had said that it was dangerous for people like them, but he hadn’t imagined that they would be _killed_ for it.

“I don’t want to scare you,” Kanan said, his voice low. “But you do need to understand. That’s why I’m going to start teaching you about the Force.”

Ezra frowned. That made no sense. “But if being Force-sensitive can get us killed…”

“When you opened the holocron, did you have any idea that you were using the Force?”

Biting his lip, he looked down at his hands, shame rising up in him. Slowly, he shook his head, a slight tremor running through his body.

Kanan rubbed his hand up and down Ezra’s arm. “You can’t avoid something you don’t understand. There are more passive parts of the Force that are okay for us to use. In fact, they’ll help us survive. So I’m going to teach you the basics. That way you know what should and shouldn’t be avoided. Sound good?”

Ezra nodded, but it didn’t ease the tight knot his insides had tied themselves into. He couldn’t help but fear that he wouldn’t be able to do it. That he wouldn’t be able to control his unnatural senses and tendency to move things on accident. That he would just disappoint Kanan and give him a real reason to be angry.

Kanan gave him a gentle pat on the back. “Alright then.” He stood up, pulling his blaster out of his bag and securing it to his hip. “First thing we need to do is figure out a way out of here. I’m going to talk to this Basel. If that’s a bust, I’ll make sure to secure some other way to Columex.”

“Why aren’t we going to Castell anymore?”

“It’s prime Imperial territory. Normally it’s pretty easy for me to hide under their noses, but the planets on this route are going to be on high alert now looking for me.”

“But… Columex is still on the Perlemian Route.”

Kanan raised on eyebrow in surprise. “Yes… but we’re not going to stay there. Once we get to Columex, it’ll be an easy jump to Ossus. That’s our final destination. At least for now.”

“And we’ll be safe there?”

“Definitely. It’s essentially a dead planet. Has been for thousands of years. We’ll lay low until my sighting becomes nothing more than a rumor.” He gave Ezra an appraising glance. “You’ll be good until I’m back?”

The knot in his stomach got tighter. “Y-You’re going to leave me here?”

“You’ll be safer in here. Shulstine V is no place for kids, and I don’t want to risk you being snatched up by a slaver.”

The thought of being left alone made Ezra’s skin crawl. The possibility of being kidnapped seemed okay if it meant he could stay with Kanan. “You won’t be long?”

“No more than an hour or two, I swear. I’m going to need to crash by then anyway.”

Taking a deep breath, Ezra forced himself to smile and nod. “Okay.”

Kanan smiled back. “Don’t answer the door for anyone. And try not to make too much noise.”

Ezra nodded again, watching despondently as Kanan opened the door and left, the mechanical click of the lock echoing loudly against the durasteel walls. He pulled his legs up to his chest and placed his forehead on his knees. Maybe he shouldn’t have slept so much on the ship. This time without Kanan would have passed so much more quickly if could just sleep through it. As it was, he wasn’t tired at all. The muscles in his body twitched with nervous energy, his anxiety only amplified by the presence of thousands of sentient beings constantly brushing up against his mind. With Kanan gone, it was all he could focus on.

It took a few minutes for him to realize that he was _not_ going to be okay. He was scared. He didn’t like it here. And he still had a little voice in his head telling him that Kanan was just going to leave him behind. Why keep around a useless child who did nothing but soak up credits?

Ezra shook his head. He knew Kanan wouldn't abandon him. Kanan liked him, _wanted_ him around. But the man’s absence just made these thoughts seem hollow.

Desperate to feel something of Kanan, he leaned over and opened Kanan’s bag, pulling out one of his sweaters. He curled back up, holding the sweater tightly to his chest as he buried his nose into it and breathed in Kanan’s scent.

It would be okay. Kanan said it would. And Kanan had never lied to him before.

* * *

It took a significant amount of willpower for Kanan to leave Ezra behind in the decrepit quarters of the hotel. He just kept telling himself that Ezra was safer in a locked durasteel box than out here in the shadowport crowds. Even if it meant that he was alone.

In a way, it was almost comforting to be here. Shadowports were great places to get lost in. Play your cards right, pay the right people, and you could easily lose a tail or adopt a new identity before moving on to a more civilized world. Kanan has done so a few times in his six years on the run. They might be hives of villainy, but for a trained Force-sensitive like him, the danger was minimal. Had he been on his own, he would have opted to stay here for a while.

But with Ezra, the danger was suddenly much more real. The only place safer than a shadowport was on the move.

The Rodian’s sense of distance was a bit off. It was probably three kilometers before Kanan finally found Basel, an Ithorian standing at a dock that was literally labelled _Basel’s_. With a translator attached to his mouths, he was currently arguing with a pair of Weequays.

“I don’t care how much they’re paying you! That detour will put you a full day behind schedule, which means every _other_ customer will be on my case to reimburse them!”

“Not even for twenty thousand extra credits?” one of the Weequays offered hopefully. “Surely that would cover any other potential losses.”

“You’re being short-sighted. This trip to Adari would be a one time deal, yes? While my other customers are an ongoing source of wealth. Angering them will only hurt my operation in the long run.” Basel waved them away. “You can go to Adari when you’re not working off my docks. Now get moving!”

The Weequays didn’t look happy, but they walked back to their ship with a minimal amount of grumbling. Huffing in annoyance, Basel turned around and rolled his eyes when he saw Kanan. “What do you want, human?”

“I’m trying to get to Columex with my son. I was told you’d be a good person to talk to.”

Basel’s eyes narrowed as he sized Kanan up. “You know I don’t run a passenger line, right?”

“I wouldn’t be here talking to you if I thought you did.” Kanan pulled out a credit chip. “All I’m asking for is discretion and a place to sleep. We can bring our own food and supplies.”

The Ithorian seemed thoughtful. “It won’t be cheap.”

“I’ve been told.”

“Good. Because I’d rather get paid than deal with a couple of stowaways.” Basel rubbed his neck thoughtfully. “How old is the kid?”

“He’s seven.”

Basel’s eyes widened a little. “You’re a bit young, aren’t you?”

“I’ve got a baby face,” Kanan replied dryly.

A low hum rumbled from the Ithorian’s throat as he glanced back at the Weequay ship. “Can you wait until tomorrow?”

Kanan raised an eyebrow. “Something wrong with this ship?”

“It’s crew, mostly.” Basel lowered his voice. “They’re not exactly fond of children.”

“My kid won’t make any trouble.”

“Won’t matter. Their captain has a violent streak and I wouldn’t recommend putting anyone that young in close quarters with her.”

Kanan was surprised to hear Basel’s concern. Not that he expected everyone on Shulstine V to be complete bastards, but businessmen like Basel tended to care more about the bottom line than anything else. They were never deliberately cruel, just perhaps a bit cold.

His surprise must have showed, because Basel added. “I’ve got a young one of my own. Besides, you’re going to be paying me good money. I’ll make sure you’ll get what you paid for.”

After hammering out some details and negotiating the price, Kanan walked away with a plan in hand. They would leave tomorrow afternoon on a ship called the _Cathea_ , a VCX Courier captained by a human man named Jev Verellian.

Having a plan was good. Having a plan that was moving forward was even better. Yet Kanan was only marginally calmer than he was when he came up with this insane plan.

While Ezra had been sleeping, Kanan had been wracking his brain to figure out a good place to hide. He thought through the few star charts he had memorized and searched them for a planet where they would be safe from the Empire. As he had been doing this, he had felt the Force pulling on him, trying to guide his thoughts. He had been reluctant to accept the Force’s guidance, but he had been nearing the point of desperation. He had a Force-sensitive child to take care of, and he knew he needed all the help he could get. So he entered a meditative state to let the Force guide his mind’s eye. It almost immediately pointed him to Ossus. At first Kanan balked at the idea, trying to focus on different regions of the galaxy. In the end, he couldn’t ignore what the Force was telling him: They needed to go to Ossus.

The more Kanan thought about it, the more he warmed up to the idea. It wasn’t too far off the Permlemian Route, so it wouldn’t be too difficult to get there. It was also a dead planet, all sentient life having been extinguished by a Sith-induced supernova millenia ago. The only objects of interest left were the ruins of an ancient Jedi society. In other words, the Empire had no reason to go there. From what Kanan remembered from his studies as a youngling, the planet had few natural resources. Certainly not enough to support a colony of any reasonable size. However, Kanan was sure it would be enough for two people.

There was also another possibility that was almost too hopeful to even consider. What if other surviving Jedi had sought refuge there?

It would make sense. If the Force guided _him_ there, surely it would have done the same for any surviving Jedi Knights. Maybe that was _why_ the Force was guiding him there. Ezra needed a teacher, a real Jedi. Maybe the Force was helping him find one.

It was both an exciting and terrifying prospect. If he was right, this would mean that Ezra could be taken in by a true Jedi master. Learn the ways of the Force and of the Jedi Order by someone who was actually qualified. At the same time, Kanan dreaded the notion of having to face one of the Order. He had abandoned the Jedi way, lived a life that was basically an affront to its teachings. He might be able to lie and pose as a feral Force user, but they would likely see right through the act.

Kanan shook himself of these thoughts. He was letting his emotions get the better of him. There was no proof that there were any other Jedi hiding on Ossus. Was it possible? Yes. But far from a foregone conclusion.

He needed to focus on the present. The next step was to get supplies they needed for their journey to Columex.

Actually, the next step should be to _sleep_. It’s been almost forty hours since he slept. He knew how to run on fumes, but he was really pushing it at this point.

He was almost back to the hotel when a small dive bar caught his eye. As frazzled as he was, it would be a good idea to get a stiff drink before crashing. It would help him sleep better.

Making his way to the bar, he slid through and was half surprised to find it mostly empty. Then he remembered that it was technically the early afternoon here. Still, all he needed was a bartender. He walked up and pulled his chip out. “How much for a double neat?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alcoholism is a bitch.


	9. To Be a Jedi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Kanan deals with his own demons, he starts to teach Ezra about the Force. Starting with the Jedi.

Kanan didn’t have much memory of going back to the hotel. All he could recall was walking in, shoving his bag off the bed, and falling onto it without even taking his boots off. Then he was vaguely aware of something small and warm curling up beside him before falling unconscious.

For the first time in a long time, he dreamt of his master.

He was fifteen years old, sitting in the cockpit of the _Kasmiri_. The ship’s owner was nowhere to be found, but that wasn’t unusual. They would take shifts at the helm when they were travelling longer distances. He was currently leaning back in his chair, his legs propped up next to the controls and his hands resting behind his head. His eyes were half mast as they stared at the swirling vortex of hyperspace.

“Caleb.”

It wasn't Janus. It was a woman’s voice, painfully familiar. He jumped up from his chair, his hand on his blaster. His eyes widened and his body stiffened at the specter that stood before him. “M-Master?”

She stood there, just as he remembered her. Brown Jedi robes, her hair tied back in thick black braids, simple jewels decorating the bridge of her nose. “Caleb… what are you doing?”

He barely managed to swallow down the lump in his throat. “I’m… I’m just trying to survive.”

“You’ve fallen in with a _scoundrel._ Become a common thief. You’ve lost your connection with the Force.”

She wasn’t wrong, but the condemnation in her words made his heart freeze. “I’m sorry, Master…”

“You’ve abandoned our ways.” She started walking towards him. “You have forsaken me and all those who knew you.”

“No! I haven’t!” he yelled, even as the words burned like ashes on his tongue. The clothes he wore, the blaster that hung on his hip, all shouting what a liar he was. “Please forgive me, Master Billaba…!”

“So now it’s forgiveness that you seek,” she replied, her voice almost unnaturally calm. “I did not give up my life so that you could spend your days drinking and whoring your way across the galaxy.”

The Kasmiri disappeared, replaced with some nameless bar on some nameless moon. One of dozens that he has visited. The accusation was a sharp blade in his side, slowly twisting. “I… I didn’t…” He had no response. He had no justification for the choices he’s made.

Billaba closed her eyes and shook her head. “I’m disappointed in you, Caleb.”

Kanan’s eyes snapped open. The world swayed as he rolled off the bed and crawled to the refresher just in time to vomit, his stomach spasming painfully even after its contents had been emptied. His fingers were white as they gripped the edge of the bowl, his lungs gasping for air as he continued to gag. Salty tears fell off his face and into the sick as his master’s words of displeasure echoed in his head.

Something warm draped over the back of his shoulders. There was a hesitant prodding against the edges of his mind, a calming presence that was almost drowned out by the dark storm of Kanan’s mind. It was only after his retching and shuddering had lessened that he realized it was Ezra. The boy had his skinny arms wrapped around him best he could, and he was whispering meaningless phrases.

“It’s okay… I-It’s over now. Everything is okay…”

Ezra was comforting him. _Ezra_ was comforting _him._ Kanan’s stomach convulsed at the realization, but with nothing left to throw up, he could only retch and spit up sour saliva. He quickly shook his head, pushing Ezra away both mentally and physically. “I’m fine,” he growled, wincing at how raw his voice sounded. Avoiding eye contact, he flushed down the evidence of his shame before jerkily standing, rinsing his mouth out in the sink and ignoring how much his limbs were shaking.

“I’m fine,” he repeated, his voice a little less rough now. “Just a dream.”

Ezra was standing beside him, his hands twisted in the fabric of his shirt and his dark blue eyes wide as he stared up at Kanan with worry. Kanan could feel the prodding on his mind again, but he shoved it back. His eyes caught the chronometer and he groaned when he saw that it was the middle of the night. What time did he get in? “Go back to sleep, Ezra.”

Unexpectedly, the boy adamantly shook his head. “‘M not tired.”

Kanan sat back on the bed with a sigh. Exhaustion still pulled at him, but with the tremors and anxiety coursing through him, he doubted he would be able to fall back asleep. “Look, at least one of us should get a good night’s sleep…”

“I’m not tired,” Ezra repeated stubbornly. “I went to sleep when you got back.”

Kanan had no idea how long ago that was, but Ezra made it sound like it had been a good amount of time. He opened his mouth to protest, but Ezra sat next to him and shoved himself against Kanan’s side, cutting off anything else he had to say.

“It’s your turn,” he said simply.

It almost broke Kanan. It took all of his self-control not to scoop Ezra up in his arms and open up the bond between them. But he reminded himself that he swore not to be selfish. Swore not to burden the child with his issues. Seeking a compromise so not to shatter into a million pieces, Kanan sought out some meager physical comfort, wrapping an arm around Ezra and pulling him tighter against his side. “I’ll be okay,” he whispered, begging the Force to make it so.

Ezra wrapped his arms around Kanan’s midsection, clutching at Kanan’s sweater so hard that his fingers were digging into the older man’s flesh. “You’ll be okay,” he parroted back, his voice muffled against Kanan’s ribs.

Kanan closed his eyes, shoving back the tears that were welling up again. He nodded, mostly for himself. He would be okay. He’s been okay these last six years. He would be okay for many years more.

* * *

Kanan eventually fell back asleep, Ezra following suit not long after. The next time Ezra woke up, light was filtering in through the dirty window. It was hard to tell the difference between the nighttime streetlamps and the natural sunlight, but Ezra was pretty sure it was morning. To his relief, Kanan still sleeping peacefully. Happy that he was able to do something right, Ezra burrowed himself into the nook between the man’s arm and side and waited for him to wake up naturally.

Kanan stirred by mid morning. He blinked sluggishly and stretched with a moan. When he looked down at Ezra, he seemed surprised to find him awake. Then he glanced at the chronometer and groaned. “I guess I _was_ tired…”

An hour later, Ezra was sitting cross-legged on the bed as Kanan checked around the dirty room to make sure they weren’t leaving anything behind. “Make sure to stay close to me, alright?”

Ezra nodded, jumping up and taking hold of a loop on Kanan’s pants. “I won’t let go.”

Kanan smiled. “Good.”

The first thing they did was grab some food for themselves. They found a small stand selling something that Ezra couldn’t pronounce. It looked awful, but as long as it was edible he wasn’t about to complain. Thankfully, it didn’t taste quite as bad as it looked.

After that, they went to the closest market. Beings of all species had set up stalls right on top of one another, selling everything from spices, to weapons, to equipment, to slaves. Kanan kept a particularly tight grip on his arm as they wandered through here.

Eventually Kanan found a merchant that he found more or less trustful. How he could tell the difference, Ezra had no idea. He just clung to Kanan as they argued over prices. Once they came to agreement, supplies and credits exchanged hands, and they were on their way again.

The process was repeated a few times before Kanan seemed satisfied with what they had purchased. “That about wipes out our credits,” he muttered. “Hopefully Basel is true to his word.”

It turned out that he was. A couple hours later, they were being introduced to the man who would be captaining the ship they were taking.

“Kanan Jarrus, this is Captain Jev Verellian,” Basel introduced. “Captain, these are the two passengers you’ll be taking to Columex.”

The captain was a tall, dark-skinned human. He was bald with a short salt and pepper beard. Despite the grey hairs, the man had few wrinkles. Just a couple harsh lines across his forehead and under his eyes. He gave a slight smile as he offered his hand to Kanan. “Pleasure to meet you.”

Kanan took his hand, returning the smile. “The pleasure is mine.”

Jev looked down at Ezra, his smile widening. “This your boy?”

“I’m Ezra,” he offered automatically. He didn’t like being called ‘boy’.

“And how old are you, Ezra?”

“Um…” When Kanan had found out that he didn’t know his age, he had gotten angry. He didn’t want to make this man angry before they even got onto the ship.

Thankfully, Kanan responded for him. “He’s seven.”

Jev raised an eyebrow. “I see.” He stood back up straight. “Basel says you’re bringing your own grub. Although I don’t mind if you want to join the crew for chow time. Everyone’s friendly, I promise.” 

“Thanks, but I’m sure we’ll fine.”

Jev just shrugged then turned to the Ithorian. “How much longer until the cargo’s loaded?”

“No more than an hour.”

The captain glanced back at Kanan. “Let me show you to your quarters.”

This room was even smaller than their last, but at least it was clean and free of vermin. The bed was also very narrow, but Ezra knew they would be able to make do. He was used to sleeping on the floor.

“It’ll be eight days before we reach Columex, stopping at six planets along the way,” Jev told them. “If you want to leave the ship whenever we dock, you do so at your own risk. We have a schedule to keep and won’t wait for you if you’re late.”

Kanan nodded. “Understood.”

Then Jev addressed Ezra. “You’re allowed to go play in the cargo hold if you want. Just don’t mess with anything. Okay?”

Ezra nodded, even though he had no intention of going anywhere without Kanan.

“I’ll let you two get settled then. We leave in less than an hour.”

The door closed behind them and Kanan placed his bag at the foot of the bed before sitting down. “We should probably make sure we’ve got our story straight.”

Ezra sat down next to him with a frown. “Story?”

“You know, what we tell people instead of the truth since the truth will get us killed. Thankfully for us, merchants and smugglers don’t generally ask too many questions as long as they’re being paid. But it never hurts to be cautious.”

“Oh.” That made sense. Although Ezra didn’t know what he meant by ‘keeping it straight’.  

“Obviously, we’re going to have to stick to the fact that you’re seven. Though that might actually be the truth…”

Ezra jumped in surprise when Kanan cupped his hand under his chin, looking at his face critically. “K-Kanan?”

His eyes softened and he gave a tight smile. “Your bruises are gone,” he said, his voice quiet and strained. “Still got a couple of faint scars, but they can be easily explained. If anyone asks, just say you got them while falling.”

“Falling how?”

“I don’t know… Like, you were running around, tripped, and your face hit the dirt.”

“Why would I be ‘running around’?”

Kanan’s face fell slightly, which made Ezra even more confused. He didn’t seem to have a good response, so Kanan just patted Ezra’s shoulder. “Just stick to the story if anyone asks. Once we get to Ossus, I’m going to teach you how to play Padawan Catch. Oh, and that’s another thing: don’t tell anyone we’re going to Ossus. We’re going to Columex to visit family.”

“Okay.”

Unzipping his bag, Kanan pulled out a couple ration bars. “You hungry?” Ezra shook his head. “Well, eat anyway. You’re still too skinny.”

Ezra took the bar from him, but didn’t unwrap it. “Why is that bad?”

“We’ve gone over this, Ezra.”

“I know…” He watched as Kanan chewed on his own bar. “But Aunt Sarai said - ”

“Your aunt can suck on Kashyyyk slime for all I care.” He poked at Ezra’s side, making him giggle. “This isn’t healthy. You don’t have to eat the whole bar, but at least take a bite or two.”

With an annoyed huff, Ezra reluctantly unwrapped the ration bar and took a small bite, chewing it slowly. These bars weren't as good as the eggs Kanan would make, but they weren't exactly unpleasant to eat.

The _Cathea_ left Shulstine V’s port on schedule. This ship was sturdier than the last one they were on. There wasn’t any unsettling clanking or regular bouts of turbulence as they broke atmosphere. Once they jumped into hyperspace, Kanan threw his wrapper aside. “We’ve got about eight days ahead of us. I still want you working on those sims, but other than that…” He paused, taking a deep breath. “... Now’s a good time for me to teach you about the Force.”

Ezra shifted uncomfortably where he sat, his hand clutching the half-eaten ration bar. Kanan said this was important, that it could help them survive. But in his experience, using the Force had brought nothing but pain and fear.

Kanan placed a comforting hand on Ezra’s knee. “We’ll go slow. I’m just going to start with the basic facts. Maybe by the end of the week, you’ll have learned to meditate a little.”

“But what if I screw up?” he mumbled nervously, trepid of Kanan’s answer.

Kanan chuckled. “The worse mistake you could make is falling asleep from boredom. And you’d be far from the first youngling to do that.”

Ezra wrapped his arms around his middle in an attempt to calm his squirming insides. “I promise I won’t. I’ll be good.”

It took Kanan a moment to respond, and when he did, all the mirth was gone from his voice. “It’s okay if you fall asleep. Really. Meditation is boring before you get the hang of it. And it takes some younglings years before they really master it.” Another beat. “You won’t get in trouble for making mistakes, Ezra. It’s how we learn.”

Ezra wanted to believe him, but he couldn’t help but feel like he was different. After all, Sarah made mistakes too, but she never got in trouble. He was just particularly bad.

Kanan sighed. “In any case, today I’m just going to talk. I’m going to teach about what the Force is. Or at least, the Jedi interpretation of what the Force is. And if I say anything confusing, just ask. I won’t get mad. I promise.”

Ezra forced himself to nod, taking a small amount of comfort from the promise. “Kanan?”

“Yeah?”

“Who are the Jedi?”

“Oh.” A beat. “ _Oh_ . Yeah, I guess you wouldn’t know anything about the Jedi... That’s going to change some things.” Ezra looked up and saw that Kanan was biting his lip, his brow furrowed in thought. “Alright.” He closed his eyes as he pinched the bridge of his nose. “You know you can’t breathe a _word_ about anything we’re about to talk about, right?”

Ezra quickly nodded. It didn’t matter how many times Kanan needed to ask. He knew that it was a life or death question, and he always knew the answer.

Kanan resituated himself on the bed, turning to face Ezra more fully and crossing his legs in front of him. Ezra mirrored him, tucking his hands between his legs. “I guess the first thing to talk about is the Jedi Order…”

His voice was low as he described who the Jedi were. It was confusing at first, especially since Kanan kept switching between their history, their philosophy, their way of life, and their relationship with the Force. It was a lot of information, and Kanan was giving it all to him in no particular order. Still, Ezra listened carefully, taking in as much as he could. However, if asked about it afterward, he wouldn’t have been able to say much beyond that Jedi were Force users and peacekeepers. And that they had all been killed seven years ago. 

“Why?” Ezra asked.

Kanan’s fingers were worrying the hem of his pants, his eyes focused on them as if they were the most fascinating thing in the galaxy. “Honestly, I don’t know for sure. All I know is that those damned clones betrayed us. We fought side by side for years and they just…” Kanan snapped his jaw shut, his lips pursed together and his eyes narrowing. “There were ten thousand of us. All snuffed out in an instant.” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “Since then, the Empire has been hunting down any surviving Jedi and leading a propaganda campaign against all Force users.”

Ezra bit his lip. That explained why Kanan seemed so sure that being captured would lead to their execution. But something else about what Kanan just said niggled at him. “You… You’re a Jedi?”

Kanan’s head snapped up at that. “No,” he said tersely.

“But you said _us_.”

Kanan rolled his eyes with a frustrated sigh. “I was being trained to be a Jedi, but I never finished my training and I’ve done anything _but_ live a Jedi’s life since. Trust me: I’m as far from a Jedi as a Force-sensitive person can get.”

Ezra frowned. From everything Kanan said, the Jedi used the Force to protect people. That sounded exactly Kanan. But before Ezra could voice his protest, Kanan had moved on.

“The Jedi might be gone, but I can still teach you some of their more basic techniques. How to meditate, how to put up a mental shield… Stuff that’ll help you survive. And help you avoid using the Force unintentionally.”

There was a knock on their door, making Ezra jump. Kanan had stiffened, glancing at the door warily. Then he got up from the bed and opened it to reveal the Captain. “What is it?” Kanan asked.

The terse tone didn’t seem to bother the captain. “Just wondering if you and your kid wanted to join the crew for some supper. We got our hands on some fresh ingredients on Shulstine V, and my first mate Thul is going all out tonight and making chili.”

Kanan glanced back at the chronometer in surprise. “I didn’t realize it had gotten that late…”

“There’s no pressure. Just figured you might appreciate some real food instead of rations.” Jev nodded to the half-eaten bar Ezra was holding.

Ezra frowned at that. How were ration bars ‘fake’ food?

Kanan turned to Ezra as he seemed to consider the offer. Finally, he shrugged. “Why not? I’m sure Ezra would appreciate something with actual flavor.”

Still confused by what these men were saying, Ezra fiddled with the bar wrapper while he avoided looking at the captain. In all honesty, he just wanted to stay in here with Kanan.

“The kitchen’s just down the hall to the right,” Jev said. “I think Thul said it’ll be ready in about fifteen minutes, so take your time.”

The door hissed closed and they were alone again. The wrapper was almost completely in shreds by the time Kanan knelt in front of Ezra. “What’s wrong?” he asked without accusation.

“‘M not that hungry,” Ezra muttered, although that wasn’t the whole truth.

Kanan’s expression was unwavering. “What else is it? Are you scared of the crew? Because I promise I won’t let them lay a hand on you.”

Ezra quickly shook his head. He wasn’t afraid of the crew. He rather liked Jev, at least, more so than Kanan seemed to. Lowering his head so his eyes were hidden by his long bangs, he whispered, “I don’ wanna screw up an’ disappoint you…”

There was a stretch of silence which made Ezra’s body tremble. In his mind’s eye, he could see Kanan rolling his eyes as he realized how useless Ezra was. He spent good money to drag a deadweight with him. A stupid brat who would probably end up blowing their cover and getting them killed. He should just leave Ezra behind at the nearest port and -

A warm calloused hand touched his face, breaking him out of his spiral of self-pity. The hand gently pulled his face up, forcing him to make eye contact with Kanan. There was none of the annoyance or anger that Ezra had been imagining. “You’ll be fine. And like I said before, if you make a mistake, I won’t be mad. We’ll figure it out.”

Ezra wanted to believe him. Early on, it had been easy to feel Kanan’s sincerity. But as time has gone on, Kanan has felt more and more muffled to Ezra, making him almost impossible to read. He was starting to think that maybe he had just imagined all of it.

“If you really don’t want to go out there, I can just grab some food and bring it back. You really _should_ eat some real food…”

Ezra shook his head. As much as it terrified him, he didn’t want to cause Kanan any more trouble. “I-I can go.”

“Are you sure? It’s really not a problem - ”

“No, I can…” Ezra swallowed the lump in his throat. “I can do this.”

Kanan smiled, a hint of pride in his eyes. It made Ezra’s chest swell at the approval. “Okay.” He patted Ezra’s shoulder before standing. “Let’s go then.”

There was something heavy pressing against his chest as Kanan opened the door and walked out. Ezra looped a finger in one of Kanan’s belt loops, the older man’s confident stride the only thing keeping him running back to their room. He just kept telling himself over and over again: he could do this. He could pretend to be normal. He was not going to fail. He was not going to be a burden.

Kanan placed a hand on his shoulder, calming the mass of nerves in his stomach. Even if he couldn’t really _feel_ Kanan’s presence, he could still take comfort in the warm body steady at his side.

He would be okay. He would.

He just had to keep telling himself that.


	10. Journey To Ossus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan and Ezra continue to make their way to Ossus.

Much to Kanan’s relief, the weeklong trip on the _Cathea_ was easy and uneventful. They spent most of their time in their cabin, only leaving to use the refresher and occasionally to eat with the crew. Although to Kanan's disappointment, whenever they did, Ezra seemed to do everything possible to make himself invisible.

It actually surprised him how shy the kid was acting around the others. He hadn’t exactly expected Ezra to be a bubble of social energy, but Ezra had been eager to learn and ask questions once he got to know Kanan. The crew seemed friendly enough. Kanan had hoped that Ezra would warm up to them. But after the third meal, it was clear that Ezra had no intention of saying more than two words to any of the crew. Kanan was no expert, but even a fool would know that it was important for children to interact with other people. It couldn’t be healthy for Ezra to only have Kanan to talk to.

Then again, maybe it shouldn’t have been so surprising. The little Ezra had spoken about his old life, he never mentioned any friends. His aunt and uncle had also traveled a great deal, meaning Ezra likely had little opportunity be proper socialized. And obviously, the abuse had only made all of this worse. It enraged Kanan to think that he might be the only person to ever give Ezra any semblance of normalcy.

But that was the past now. He refused to let these thoughts fuel his anger, but he would use them to strengthen his resolve to give Ezra a better life.

Another thing Kanan noticed was the lack of nightmares on Ezra’s part. Ever since they had left Yabol Opa, the kid had slept peacefully curled up by his side. The only exceptions had been the one humiliating night where Kanan himself had a nightmare, and the one night Kanan had joined the crew of the _Cathea_ for a late nightcap. He had spent more time than he thought trading drunken stories with the crew when a high pitched scream echoed from down the hall. Kanan had immediately run back to their room, finding Ezra twisted in the bed sheets, his body shaking violently as he cried out in terror.

Once again, he had had an overwhelming urge to throw open their bond so he could comfort Ezra through it, the kid’s panicked whimpers and muffled sobs taking a heavy toll on his heart. However, he managed to hold back, repeatedly telling himself that it was for the best in the long run. Kanan needed to learn to help Ezra via more traditional methods, and Ezra needed to learn to cope without their poisonous bond. It took almost an hour of soft words and repetitive rocking, but he eventually calmed down enough to go back to sleep. This time, Kanan stayed by his side, wrapping his arm around him and holding him close.

That was when Kanan realized: Ezra didn't have nightmares whenever he slept by Kanan’s side. After the incident with the holocron, he would have expected the exact opposite to occur. The fact that Ezra was at such ease with him... he wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. On one hand, it was nice to know that he was having a positive effect on the boy. On the other hand, it kind of frightened him how reliant on him Ezra was becoming.

Other than that, they had made quite a bit of progress on the Force front. After the second day on the _Cathea_ , Kanan decided to try and teach Ezra some basic meditations. As is usual for younglings, Ezra struggled to focus during these exercises. There were a few panic attacks, but by the time they reached Columex, he seemed to have gotten a hang of it. Or at least, gotten the hang of sitting quietly and still for longer than two minutes.

By the time they got to Columex, Kanan was suddenly reminded that they had almost no credits left. He knew from the early stages of this insane plan that they would need to steal a ship in order to get to the Adegan system, but he didn’t take into consideration that it might take a day or two to do so discretely. Which meant they were going to have to live on the street in the meantime.

 _Kark_ , he could use a drink. Of course, he didn’t have money for even that.

He did, however, have enough to buy them some cheap food. Even if Ossus had sufficiently recovered enough flora and fauna to sustain a couple of people, Kanan wanted to save their rations just in case.

There was some luck on their side. At least the weather was nice, so sleeping in the streets shouldn’t be _too_ miserable an experience. It still brought back unpleasant memories from his time on Kaller. He just focused on the child at his side, silently repeating to himself that he was doing this because the Force was guiding him. He was doing this for Ezra.

On their first night on Columex, Kanan found a (relatively) clean alleyway to settle in. There were only a few other vagabonds wandering about in various states of drunk or crazy. They were all probably harmless, although Kanan didn't think he would be comfortable enough to get any decent sleep.

“It stinks,” Ezra muttered, his arms crossed across his chest and his shoulders hunched up.

“That’s because we’re behind a dumpster.” Kanan sat down against the wall, his bag tucked between him and said dumpster.

“Why can’t we go to Ossus now?” Ezra asked with a slight whine.

“Because I’m going to need to steal a ship. Which means I’m going to have to erase its operating numbers and disable any tracking beacons that might be on it. On a trading hub like this, the docks are never completely empty. At night, we’d stick out like a sore thumb. We’ll be better off during the day under the cover of the crowds.”

Ezra mostly just looked confused, reminding Kanan that he was still just a kid. “Just trust me, okay?”

With a small huff, Ezra nodded his head and sat down next to him. “Are you sure we’ll be safe on Ossus…?”

“Yes,” Kanan said emphatically, ignoring the doubt in the back of his mind. “It won’t be easy. We’ll have to learn to live on an almost dead planet. But the Empire has no reason to look for us there. And… Well, and I think it’s where we’re meant to be.”

Ezra frowned and looked up at him. “Whatdya mean?”

Kanan thought through his words carefully. “I’ve told you that you should trust in the Force. Even if you don’t actively _use_ it, if the Force is telling you something, it’s something worth paying attention to.”

Ezra nodded eagerly. “I remember. And you said that as long as we don't allow our emotions to cloud us that the Force will lead us on the right path. Right?”

Kanan wasn’t sure how much Ezra was just parroting him versus what he actually understood, but it would do for now. He smiled approvingly. “Right. And I let the Force guide us down this path. I know it’s a safe place for us… but I think there’s also a chance that there’s something else for us on Ossus.”

Ezra didn’t seem convinced, but it took a few moments of silence for him to finally ask, “Something else like what?”

Kanan shrugged. “I don’t know. All I know is that the Force is telling me to go there, so…” He took a deep breath. “For the first time in years, I’m actually going to _listen_ to it.”

Ezra didn’t seem any less confused, but he stopped questioning it. When it came to the Force, Ezra was less willing to press his curiosity. “We’re leaving tomorrow?”

“Yeah. We’ll find a small ship with a hyperdrive, get it ready, then head out. Shouldn’t take more than four hours or so in hyperspace to get there.”

“Then how come no one else is there?”

“The Empire is only interested in what it can use. There’s nothing worth mining there, and with so few natural resources, it would be difficult to terraform for larger colonies. And they have zero interest in Jedi history.”

The furrows in Ezra’s brow deepened. “Jedi history?”

That was when it occurred to Kanan that he never fully explained Ossus’ significance to Ezra. To be fair, Kanan only remembered the highlights himself. “It had been one of the larger Republic planets and one of the first Jedi strongholds.” Ezra’s eyes were wide in attention as he shifted his body so he was facing Kanan more directly. “The Great Jedi Library was constructed there. It was a bastion of Jedi knowledge, the likes of which have never been seen since. It contained knowledge of both light and dark sides of the Force. During its glory, all Jedi made a journey there to bring themselves closer to enlightenment. But then, during the Great Sith War, they caused a nearby star cluster to collapse and supernova, destroying all of Ossus’ inhabitants. While most of the knowledge was lost, Jedi researchers were recently exploring the planet. They were searching for whatever secrets might have survived that cataclysm.” Kanan fell silent, remembering Master Nu scolding him for his never-ending questions. “But now it’s been abandoned. There are no Jedi left to search Ossus’ ruins.”

“Except us,” Ezra added.

Kanan closed his eyes. “I told you, kid. I’m not a Jedi.”

“Yes you are!”

Kanan’s head jerked to look at the child. The child who was currently staring at him with a surprising amount of anger.

“You said Jedi use the Force to protect people… How can you _not_ be a Jedi!?”

Kanan pressed a finger to Ezra’s lips. “Shh! Not so loud!”

Ezra took a moment to compose himself, aware of how much danger they could find themselves in. “You take care of me,” he finally said, his voice strained. “I don’t feel d-dirty or wrong when I’m with you.” His eyes welled with tears. “Why can’t you see what I see?”

The words struck a chord in Kanan, but he was quick to ignore it. He reached over and wiped away the tears that were starting to fall down Ezra’s face. “I’m not the person you think I am,” he muttered. “I’m not a bad person, but I’m not a great person either.” He gave a self-deprecating chuckle. “With any luck, you’ll meet a true Jedi Knight. Then you’ll see that I’m nothing special.”

A sob rose up in Ezra, and he buried his face in Kanan’s side. Kanan bit his lip, unable to bare the thought that Ezra was developing a sort of hero-worship. After making sure that his shield was fully erect, he placed a hand on the back of Ezra’s head. “I care about you,” Kanan whispered. He wasn’t even sure Ezra could hear him. “I would do anything for you. But that doesn’t make me a Jedi. That doesn’t make me any more than a man with a good sense of decency.” He wrapped his arms around Ezra, pulling him up into a full-on hug. “I promise… you’ve done just as much for me as I’ve done for you.”

Ezra’s crying didn’t cease. Instead, he pressed his face harder against Kanan, his hiccuping sobs vibrating through his ribs and compelling him to hold Ezra even tighter. In his mind, he promised that everything would be okay. 

* * *

Ezra didn’t sleep so much as doze. He stayed on that fine boundary where his mind wandered into strange lands and ideas, but the slightest fluctuations in his environment had him snapping up in attention. Each time that happened, Kanan’s hand was on the back of his head, gently pushing him back down into Kanan’s lap and lulling him back into his semi-sleep state.

At some point, he snapped up to a grey sky and elevated noise level. This time, Kanan didn’t try to coax him back to sleep. Instead, he looked down at him with a small smile. “Ready to get moving?”

Ezra could only nod before they were back on their feet. Kanan had an iron grip on his arm, similar to when they had been on Shulstine V. This place didn’t seem nearly as dangerous or dirty as Shulstine V, but then again, there hadn't been any of the Empire’s troopers at the shadowport.

Kanan seemed to slip by them easily enough. He kept his head down and didn’t make a fuss, even when another being shoved passed him with surprising force. It was only when one alien with scaly skin and large fin-like ears bumped into Ezra and rubbed a hand along his side that Kanan stopped and pulled his blaster out. “You wanna try that again, _buddy?_ ” The alien had quickly scurried off and Kanan dragging him along by the arm once again.

At some point he stopped, his eyes narrowing at something Ezra couldn’t see. Ezra just pressed his body against Kanan's as he tried to not be swept away by the unending waves of people flowing past them. Even before Kanan pulled him forward with renewed earnest, he knew that Kanan had found the ship they were going to steal.

Ezra wasn’t able to get much of a look at it before he was dragged under its belly. He glanced around, nervous about who might have seen them. “K-Kanan…”

“Shh… It’s okay Ezra. I’ve done this a million times before.” Kanan reached up and placed a hand just below one of the panels. The screws slowly began to twirl out of their sockets.

Dozens of people were walking by, only their waists and legs visible. Still, Ezra couldn’t help but watch. His body was trembling as he waited for one person, just one, to kneel down just enough to see them. It only took one person to notice, one person to care, one person to tell the local troopers…”

There was the sound of metal grinding against metal and the popping of electricity misfiring. Ezra jumped and nearly yelped, but he turned and saw Kanan holding a metal box with a triumphant smile. There were only a few errant sparks as he resecured the panel. “That should do it.” Ezra flinched as Kanan spoke with a normal voice. Shouldn’t he be whispering?!

Kanan either didn’t notice or ignored Ezra’s paranoia. He just placed a hand on his shoulder and guided him to the small ship’s entrance. It was honestly barely more than a shuttle, and Ezra almost panicked at the thought that it wouldn't be able to achieve hyperspace. But Kanan seemed unconcerned as he pushed him down onto a seat before taking the helm. Ezra pulled his legs up to his chest as they took off, almost too scared to watch their escape and yet unable to look away. Visually, it seemed mundane, only the passing clouds breaking apart as they broke atmosphere and the motion of the nearest stars as Kanan calculate their trajectory.

“ _Shuttlecraft, you are unauthorized for take off.”_

“We had to leave earlier than expected,” Kanan replied. “Sick aunt.”

“ _Please provide us with the appropriate Emergency Departure Notice._ ”

“Uh… yeah. Just give us a moment.” He cut off communication and started furiously typing at the console. “Don’t worry, Ezra. By the time they realize something’s wrong, we’ll be long gone.”

Ezra buried his face into his knees, trying to breath slowly like Kanan had taught him just a couple days earlier. It only marginally helped the calm the anxiety in his chest.

“ _Shuttlecraft, you have a minute to respond. Otherwise, prepare to be boarded.”_

Kanan chuckled. “Too late.” He pushed forward the lever and the ship jumped into hyperspace.

Ezra let out a large sigh. “We’re safe now?”

Kanan turned around in his chair, making no attempt to hide the relief in his smile. “Yeah. We’re safe now.”

Ezra felt his own face breaking out into a smile as he jumped off his seat and practically ran over to Kanan. “And once we get to Ossus, we can live like a normal family, right?”

Kanan’s smile faltered. “W-What? What do you mean?”

Ever since Kanan had explained his plan to seek refuge on this isolated planet, Ezra assumed that the plan was to stay there for the long run. It might just be the two of them, but without Imperial interference, they could live their lives like normal people. But now his stomach was dropping at Kanan’s reaction to the suggestion. His mind worked frantically to try and figure out what else Kanan could have meant. “I-I just mean… Living on Ossus… W-We won’t be running away anymore. That’s means living n-n-normally… right?”

Kanan’s face dropped into a horribly blank expression, his eyes staring at some invisible point in space. But a moment later, he was back, giving Ezra a half-smile. “Right.” He leaned forward and put familiar hand on Ezra’s shoulder. “Remember: no matter what happens, I’m going to make sure you get the life you deserve.”

On the surface, there was nothing wrong with the statement, but Ezra felt like he was missing something. There was something about Kanan’s tone…

Then Kanan was turning back towards the front of the tiny ship, staring at the swirl of hyperspace that surrounded them. “I’m not gonna lie. I was a little skeptical about this plan of mine. But now that we’ve made it this far, I know that we’re on the right path.”

Ezra didn’t understand what Kanan was talking about. He assumed it had something to do with the Force. According to Kanan, most of the stuff that could be explained away by ‘instinct’ or ‘good luck’ could be explained by having a sensitivity to the Force. It certainly sounded like Kanan was acting instinctively. Hence, it was probably the Force.

He leaned into the warm hand on his shoulder. He wish he could feel as confident as Kanan sounded. Try as he might, the Force didn’t seem to be speaking to him the same way it was speaking to Kanan.

As promised, it wasn’t much more than four hours later that they dropped out of hyperspace above a desolate looking planet. From space, it was just a large orb of oranges and browns. They entered the atmosphere, and it didn’t look much better. It almost looked like a desert planet, although there were some trees and scant patches of grasses, also in various shades of brown and orange.

No wonder this place was unsettled.

Kanan brought the ship down and they stepped out. A wave of energy flowed over Ezra, making him stagger back. The energy ebbed and flowed over him, both pulling him in and pushing him away. It was conflicted, unsure what it wanted from him. It was almost as if the planet itself was alive… and trying to tell him something.

“Can you feel it?” Kanan knelt down next to him, his voice reverently low. “This place is rife with the Force.”

Ezra didn’t know what ‘rife’ meant, but he assumed that this strangely strong energy he was feeling was the Force. When he concentrated on it, he realized it wasn’t terribly dissimilar to things he had felt in the past. Some sense of knowing when a fist was heading his way, or having some inkling of another’s emotions. It was just much more intense here.

“It’s almost sundown,” Kanan noted. “Should probably stay close to the ship once night falls. We’ll make camp here and explore in the morning.”

Ezra turned to him as he walked back onto the ship to grab his bag. “Why is the Force telling me to leave and stay at the same time?”

Kanan raised an eyebrow at the question. “Is that what it feels like?” Ezra nodded emphatically. “Well… it might be that you’re just getting confused. Remember, your emotions can cloud your sense of the Force.” Kanan set the bag down and pulled out a blanket. “I hope this is big enough for the both of us…” he muttered.

But Ezra was still confused. “How do I get unclouded?”

“Meditation, mostly.” He frowned at the contents of his bag. “I’m gonna see if the ship has any useful supplies we can use.”

As Kanan went searching for more stuff, Ezra sat on his heels and put his hands on his thighs like he had seen Kanan do. He didn’t understand meditation. It didn’t seem any different from sitting in silence and breathing particularly slowly. Kanan had put an emphasis ‘emptying his mind’, but he didn’t know what that meant. Still, Ezra had to try. This was important to Kanan. Which meant it was important, period.

He closed his eyes and breathed in through his nose and out through his mouth, counting to four each time. Then he tried to ‘empty’ his mind. However, this only led to him thinking even more about everything around him. The hard dusty ground, the smell of dirt and oil from the ship, his fear that Kanan was just going to leave him here…

His eyes snapped open and his head twisted to where Kanan was laying out another blanket. He gave Ezra an encouraging smile. “Sorry if I distracted you.”

Disappointed with himself, he stood and walked over to Kanan. “It wasn’t working,” he muttered.

Kanan chuckled. “I taught this to you just the other day. I didn’t expect you to have mastered it by now. I told you, it usually takes months for younglings to get the hang of it.”

That didn’t make Ezra feel better. Especially when the Force was still pulling and pushing him in all directions. “I just wish the Force would make more sense…”

“Don’t feel bad about it.” Kanan looked around, as if he could see the waves of energy around him. “On a place like this, it’s enough to confuse anyone.”

Ezra frowned. For lack of a better term, he ‘reached’ out to feel the Force around Kanan. It wasn’t quite as turbulent as it was around Ezra. While it still seemed to swirl in circles with no particular direction, it all seemed to flow _through_ Kanan in the same direction. And Kanan himself… was an empty space, his absence even more stark in a place like this. Ezra bit his lip. What was wrong with him?

Kanan gathered some nearby wood and started a fire just as the second sun set. He shoved a ration bar into Ezra’s hands before ripping open one for himself. “We’re also going to have to figure out what food we can hunt or forage here…” he muttered to himself before biting into his bar.

“Wi’ dat be ‘ard?” Ezra asked mid-chew.

“Swallow before you speak.”

“Will…” Ezra swallowed down the last of his bite. “Will that be hard?”

Kanan shrugged. “I don’t know. I know it’s possible, but I never read about - ” He stopped mid-sentence, his eyes widening.

Then Ezra felt it. The energy - the Force - shifting to allow something to move through it. Then he felt another presence that seemed almost unnaturally calm coming towards him. Coming from behind him.

He scrambled to his feet, vaguely aware that Kanan was doing the same. When he turned around, his eyes fell on an old human woman. She was thin and had pale skin with a long scar on the right side of her face. Her white hair was pulled back into a bun and held in place with two sticks in her hair. She wore old robes that looked like they might have been gold at some point, but dirt and wear and turned them as brown as the planet around them.

From behind him, Ezra heard Kanan suck in a quick breath. When he spoke, his voice quaked.

“Master Nu?”


	11. Always Temporary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is everything Kanan had hoped for. So why did it hurt so much?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've hit 100 kudos! Thank you all for the support and the comments. They're definitely fuel for my writer's engine.

When he had decided to come to Ossus, Kanan’s main motivation had just been to find a safe place to hide. Sure, he indulged the thought that other Jedi might have had the same idea, but he had mostly been humoring himself. Now that he was faced with that exact scenario, he had no idea what to do. He had not been prepared for this. His mind was completely blank, unable to quite believe what he was seeing. If it wasn’t for the master’s presence in the Force, he would have thought he was hallucinating.

The Force really _did_ guide another Jedi here. And a small part of him wondered if the Force would have brought him here earlier had he not purposefully cut himself off from it after Order 66.

But that didn’t matter now. What mattered was that one of his old masters was standing right here in front of him. And what did he have to show for it?

Master Nu seemed only mildly surprised. “I sensed your presence. Your signature is an unwavering pillar in a tumultuous place such as this.” She glanced at Ezra for a moment before looking back at Kanan. “You know who I am, so it would be safe to assume that you were one of my students.”

It suddenly became painfully obvious that she could figure out who he was ( _had been_ ) very easily. He wasn’t very old, which meant there were only about fifteen - may twenty - younglings he could have been. By reflex, he threw up another shield to block his Force signature from her. “M-Master…” Etiquette he hadn’t used in years kicked in, and he gave a polite bow.

Her expression softened, a small smile gracing her face. “I must say, it is a relief to see another Jedi.”

Kanan’s chest seized at the label, but he wasn’t about to reject it to her face. Not when he had just found her. “I-I didn’t know you’d be here.”

Master Nu chuckled. “Yet, here I am. May I ask your name?”

On one hand, Kanan was relieved that she hadn’t been able to read his Force signature (or at least didn’t recognize it). On the other hand, he had no idea how to respond. She never knew a Kanan Jarrus. And Caleb Dume had died with his master. Any answer he could give was going to feel like a lie.

“I understand your hesitation,” Master Nu replied as the silence between them stretched. “You are right to be cautious, given our current status in this galaxy.” She nodded downward. “How about you introduce me to this youngling?

He had been so focused on Nu, he only then realized that Ezra was edging towards him, eyeing the master with suspicion. He placed a hand on Ezra’s shoulder. “It’s okay. This is Jocasta Nu, a Jedi Master.” Clearing his throat, he addressed her again. “This is Ezra. I… found him.”

She gave the boy a smile before nodding back in the direction she came from. “Come. It’s not much, but my setup in the Library will be more comfortable that what you have here.”

The Library? As in, the Great Jedi Library?

That was when he remembered that Master Nu had taken a particular interest in these ruins before Order 66. The Temple had started to send regular researchers to Ossus to investigate what was left of the Great Library. Master Nu and a few other archaeological Jedi had been among them. It didn't come up much in her formal lessons, but she always welcomed anyone who asked her about her research. Kanan had done just that several times in an attempt to appease her to after all his other questions. According to her, the Library had been emptied long ago by both Jedi trying to preserve its knowledge and by Sith looking to exploit it. Most recent research was focused on what archaeological significance might have been left behind by the structure itself.

And now Master Nu was taking them right to it.

Kanan re-secured most of their supplies back onto the stolen ship, only bringing along with him the bag that held their clothes and a few ration bars. They followed Master Nu’s lead, Ezra keeping his fingers looped onto Kanan’s belt. He still seemed wary of Nu, although Kanan supposed that was to be expected. Jedi Master or not, she was still a stranger to him. 

It was only twenty minutes before the Library came into view. It was more grand than Kanan had ever imagined. Even in ruins, the structure stood resolutely, having faced the ultimate test of time. Walking inside one of the entrances, they entered a great hall, enormous arches highlighting all the other entrances. Large circular glass windows, most of which were shattered, dotted down the hall allowing for what little light the stars and moons gave to illuminate the interior.

There were a few small lamps lining a path that led to a bridge that crossed the great hall and down to a staircase. Master Nu followed these torches, Kanan and Ezra close behind. The air was still, but the Force practically sang in this ancient structure. Kanan knew Ezra could feel at as well. His eyes were as wide as saucers as they scanned Library, his body thrumming in time with the Force that easily flowed through him. His grip on Kanan’s shirt tightened, a mixture of fear and awe emanating from him.

Eventually they were led to a smal chamber. Several machines were set up, hooked up to generators and lining the walls. Their mechanical beeping and whirring were completely out of place in a old ruin like this. On other side of the chamber was another hallway, lights leading down its length and illuminating the doors that lined it.

“These are just one of several sets of living quarters. I was not expecting company, but I should have enough blankets that you and Ezra can make yourselves comfortable.”

Kanan was staring at the machinery, making sense of what he was seeing. There was a small generator, a climate control unit, but also a holotable, a couple holocrons, and several storage units. “How long have you been here?”

Master Nu pursed her lips, a look of pain flashing in her eyes. “I was… fortunate. I was in transit when I received a message from Obi Wan Kenobi, warning us away from the Temple. After many months of searching for other survivors in vain, I managed to shake off my clone trooper pursuers and found refuge here.”

“And you’ve just been… living here? All by yourself?”

“Well, I am not completely alone. I have C1-P3. He’s off doing some much needed maintenance on my ship at the moment.” She regarded Kanan seriously, her voice taking a bitter note. “The Empire destroyed much of the Jedi Archives that had been on Coruscant. This is my home base, but I have been travelling to the other Jedi temples, trying to get to them before the Empire. I collect and preserve what I can before those beasts tear down what is left of our heritage.”

Kanan walked up to one of the storage units, touching the top of it as if he could actually feel the knowledge that Master Nu had gathered. He had never thought much of the old master. As the main instructor at the Jedi Temple, it was obvious that she knew a lot, and she always cared for the Archives with an almost un-Jedi like attachment. But the fact that she had not only survived Order 66, but had been actively working to preserve what was left of the Jedi Order…

Shame rose up in Kanan. All he had managed to do these last seven years is run and drink himself stupid.

Master Nu gave a warm chuckle. “Why don’t we have some dinner before putting the youngling to bed?”

Kanan looked down to see Ezra mid-yawn. Ezra snapped his jaw shut at Master Nu’s words, giving her a slight glare. “‘M not tired…” he muttered.

Even if he hadn’t just caught Ezra’s yawn, Kanan knew that that was a lie. Neither of them got much sleep last night with only a duracrete ground as a bed and the pungent smell of the dumpster as company. Besides, he wanted to talk to Master Nu alone. “Let’s just eat and see how you feel, okay?”

Ezra just shrugged, his body still plastered to Kanan’s side and his eyes downcast.

There was a kitchen at the other end of the hallway. They ate a quiet but comfortable dinner of dried meat and some leafy plant that Kanan didn’t recognize. Nu assured them that it was essential for long term survival, so Kanan forced himself to chew the bitter leaves down in order to convince Ezra to do the same. If Ezra was going to stay here long term, he would need to learn to get used to this kind of food.

By the end of the meal, Ezra was struggling to keep his eyes open. He leaned heavily against Kanan’s arm, blinking lazily at the table. “Yeah, it’s time for bed,” Kanan muttered.

But as he got up, Ezra’s eyes snapped wide open, his hands gripping his waist more earnestly. “Not tired,” he repeated, his voice stubbornly insistent.

Kanan sighed. "You know that’s not true.” He grabbed Ezra by underneath his arms and pulled him up to hold him against his chest. “You said you had blankets?” Kanan asked Master Nu.

She nodded, running off to get them while Kanan carried Ezra to the closest room on the ancient living quarters. There was an unfurnished bed: a hard rock slab that was fit for a Jedi. Kanan bit his lip. This was no place for a child.

_And how are these quarters any different than the ones you grew up in?_

Well, for one, they had actual mattresses. And for two, Ezra wasn’t a part of the Jedi Order. Or what was left of it.

Not yet.

Still, with a couple good blankets, this would still be a far cry from where they were sleeping just the night before. There was no smell and the temperature was reasonably regulated.

Kanan sat on the slab holding Ezra in his lap. “You’ve got nothing to worry about,” he said, rubbing circles in Ezra’s back. “Master Nu might be a bit of an old bat, but she’s also a Jedi Master. You’re safe here with her.”

This didn’t seem to make Ezra feel any better, as he only tightened his grip around Kanan’s neck.

Kanan squeezed back just as hard, not knowing how else to convey to him that he was safe here. This was probably the safest place in the galaxy right now.

Ezra muttered something, and Kanan shifted slightly so Ezra’s mouth was a little closer to his ear. “What was that?”

“I don’ wanna be alone wit' her.”

The slurred statement made Kanan’s heart stutter, but he forced a smile and brushed it off as Ezra simply being wary of strangers. “You’ll get used to her. I promise. If she can - more or less - tolerate my never-ending questions, she can tolerate anything.”

Ezra seemed unconvinced. Kanan simply sighed, figuring it was just going to take time for Ezra to learn to trust the old master. After all, it wasn't like Ezra trusted him from the beginning.

_Yes he did. He trusted you in spite of everything he had been through._

He shoved the thought aside. It wasn’t helping.

That was when Master Nu came in with a couple of blankets and a small pillow. “It’s still technically summer on this part of Ossus, but these rooms can get chilly at night.”

Kanan accepted the blankets from her with his free hand. “Thank you, Master.”

She gave a small smile before leaving them to get settled in privacy.

Despite the monkey-lizard clinging to him, Kanan managed to arrange the blankets so that there was some padding between Ezra and the slab. Then he slowly pried away Ezra’s fingers, ignoring the pang in his chest at the slight whimper it elicited. “You’re exhausted, kiddo. Don’t try and deny it.”

Ezra grumbled incoherently in denial, which made Kanan smile. Once he finally got him settled on the bed and underneath another blanket, he smoothed a hand over Ezra’s hair. “I can stay here until you fall asleep if you want.”

Ezra immediately nodded, although the action was lethargic. He reached out and grabbed Kanan’s wrist, pulling it to his chest as he curled up and closed his eyes. Kanan only gave a light chuckle at Ezra’s clinginess. If this is what it took for the kid to sleep nightmare-free, than he would take it.

A half an hour later, after a few experimental tugs, Kanan extracted his hand and walked back out to find Master Nu looking over some records on her holo projector. “I remember you now,” she said without looking away. “Always asking questions… Caleb Dume, Depa Billaba’s padawan.”

Kanan stiffened. He briefly wondered if she had figured it out through deduction or if he wasn’t hiding his signature as well as he thought. Either way, it put his entire being on edge. “Caleb died with his master,” he said quietly. “I go by Kanan Jarrus now.”

Master Nu nodded. “That’s smart. And easily doable considering how young you were. You were only… thirteen? Fourteen? When Order 66 occurred.”

He swallowed down the lump his in throat. “Fourteen,” he croaked out. “And I’d rather not talk about it.”

“Of course,” she said with a sigh. “It was painful enough for me. But for someone as young as you had been…”

Kanan looked away. He hadn’t felt young at the time. Unprepared and naive, yes. But he had already been battle tested at that point. There was no excuse for the way he had run away from everything.

He shook these thoughts away. “I need to talk to you about Ezra.”

Master Nu shut off the holo projector with a sigh. “I thought you might.” She turned to face him. “Why are you here, Kanan Jarrus?”

All at once, he felt thirteen again, a youngling about to be scolded for asking yet _another_ question. But he wasn’t. He was twenty-one years old, about to discuss a serious issue that involved another youngling’s life. “I was guided here… by the Force.” He glanced over at the room Ezra was sleeping in. “You can tell that he’s Force-sensitive, right?”

Master Nu nodded. “Yes, it seems to flow quite strongly through him. Especially for one so young. Where did you find him?”

Kanan gave a bitter laugh. “The Empire’s propaganda is working. I found him being abused by his relatives because of his abilities.”

“And his parents?”

“Apparently executed as traitors when he was an infant. He has no memory of them.”

Master Nu leaned back in her seat, rubbing her chin thoughtfully with a small hum. “And these relatives just gave him to you?”

“Not… Exactly.”

She smiled. “But now you’re floundering. I suppose it shouldn’t be a surprise. You were only a padawan when the Order fell.”

Kanan’s shoulders slumped. “I’m no Jedi,” he admitted. It was what he has been telling himself over and over again, and yet the statement was still bitter on his tongue. “I know the basics, but I’m just a _person_ now. Ezra needs to be taught by a real Jedi Master.”

“And what about you?”

Kanan blinked. “What?”

“Don’t you deserve to be taught - to be guided - by a Jedi Master?”

Kanan gave a self-deprecating smile. “It’s too late for me. It’s _far_ too late for me. These last seven years… I’ve been as far from a Jedi as a person could possibly be.”

Master Nu gave a genuine laugh. “You don’t strike me as a Sith, boy.”

Kanan ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “You know what I mean! I don’t use the Force. I haven’t touched my lightsaber in over six years. I’m a drinking, whoring scoundrel who was never able to complete his training. I’m too far gone to be saved. But Ezra’s still young! He’s got a bit of baggage, but I can tell he’s strong. Given a real Master… I think he has the potential to become a Jedi Knight.”

Master Nu hummed again. “And you think _I_ am the Master to teach him?”

Kanan sighed. “I think you’re the _only_ one who can teach him. You’re the only other survivor I’ve met. And you’ve said just as much about me. Between the two of us… the answer is obvious.”

Her eyes narrowed slightly as she regarded him. “For a moment, let us consider the possibility that I _do_ take in this child. What would _you_ do? Would you stay here with us and help him learn? Help me gather what Jedi artifacts are left in this galaxy?”

Kanan ran his hand through his hair again, avoiding eye contact. He honestly hadn’t considered what he would do once he found Ezra a proper guardian. A part of him (a very _small_ part of him) found the offer tantalizing. To stay here in this Jedi ruin with Jocasta Nu and help her rebuild the Jedi Archive… It would give him a purpose, a sense of belonging that he hadn’t felt since he left Janus behind.

But he knew he couldn’t. He meant what he had said: he wasn’t a Jedi. He had no desire to be a Jedi. It had only ever caused him pain and heartbreak. The thought of reconnecting to his Jedi roots - to willingly open himself back up to the Force as a Jedi should - made him want to run to the ship and fly back to Columex if only to drown himself in the seediest bar he could find. He has been trying so hard to forget the past. To forget what he had been. He wasn’t about to change now.

And then there was the matter of his bond with Ezra. Staying here would only encourage it to grow, which would only get in the way of Ezra developing a more proper bond with Master Nu. If he wanted Ezra to really learn what it meant to be a Jedi, then Kanan needed to stay the kriff out of the way.

It was painful. More so now than it had ever been, now that their separation seemed to be inevitable. Ezra was a bright kid with a good heart, and Kanan was going to miss having him around. He knew once he left, the ache in his heart would swell and it was going to become just another reason to sink himself into a bottle every night. He just had to keep telling himself that this was for Ezra’s own good. Master Nu was good with children and was unendingly patient. She would be a good guardian and an even better master. His pain was worth assuring Ezra’s future.

To answer the master’s question, Kanan merely shrugged. “I’ve done well enough for myself so far. I don’t see why that has to change.”

“Perhaps.” Although she didn’t seem very happy with his reply. “I could always use another set of hands…”

Kanan quickly shook his head. “Even with my new identity, I’ve already got a target painted on my back. Trust me, it’s better for all of us if I stay away.”

“So you plan to live out the rest of your days as… what exactly? A common scoundrel?”

Kanan shrugged. “Like I said, it’s worked so far. And I do my share of honest work. I make enough money survive and keep moving.”

“And that sort of life suits you?”

“Why wouldn’t it? It seems to suit most everyone else in this karking galaxy. I don’t see why I have to be so special.”

“Because you’re strong with the Force. You may have lost your way, but you _were_ raised with the Jedi teachings…”

Anger flared up in Kanan. “And what good did those teachings do me when I was stuck on an alien planet with no money, no resources, and no allies!? I’m not going to ‘live’ as a common scoundrel. I _am_ a common scoundrel. I had to become one to survive. I _abandoned_ the Force and the Jedi Code - on _purpose_ \- because I would have died if I hadn’t.” He let out a derisive laugh. “I’m not going to start pretending to be a Jedi when all I’ve done these past seven years is turn my back on their teachings.”

Master Nu listened to him passively, her expression frustratingly neutral. For a moment, Kanan was embarrassed by his outburst, but nothing he had said was untrue. How else was he going to get her to see that this wasn’t his life anymore? He didn’t _want_ it to be his life anymore.

“You are young, Kanan Jarrus. And I don’t fault you for these feelings.” She closed her eyes and inhaled slowly. “I will take the child in and teach him the Jedi way. Besides, he will be safer here with me than out there with you.”

The comment stung, but Kanan couldn’t deny the truth of it. His body sagged in relief. “Thank you, Master.”

She waved a hand dismissively. “There’s no need for that. I was ready to take the boy in the moment I felt the Force flowing through him. I was ready to take you _both_ in, but you seem to have made up your mind on the matter.”

Kanan nodded tersely. “I have.”

“Then I suppose we have nothing more to discuss.” She glanced over at where Ezra was sleeping. “When will you leave?”

Since the beginning of this conversation, there had been an uncomfortable pressure in Kanan’s chest. At the mention of actually leaving, it tightened around him. He never dreamed of finding a guardian for Ezra so quickly. And a Jedi Master, no less. He hadn’t been prepared for it. He hadn’t been prepared for the possibility that he would have to leave Ezra so soon.

But there was no reason for him to stay. If he wasn’t going to work with Master Nu and if he wanted to rid Ezra of this bond, it would be best to leave as soon as possible. He should probably leave right now, but he immediately dismissed that thought. He wasn’t ready, and he didn’t want to disappear on Ezra without talking to him first.

“Tomorrow,” Kanan finally said. “After… after I say goodbye.”

“Very well.” Master Nu stood. “I am going to turn in for the night. Help yourself to any food. I’ve put a set of blankets in the room across from Ezra’s for when you’re ready to go to bed.”

Kanan gave a slight bow. “Thank you, Master Nu. For… for everything.”

With a sad smile, she simply bowed in response before excusing herself and walking down the hall to her quarters.

Kanan sat down at the holo projector, his hands folded on its edge, staring at the space in front of him. He forced himself to accept the fact that it was finally happening. He had always known this was temporary. He had been planning from the beginning to find a more suitable person to raise Ezra, Force-sensitive or not. That was why he had let the Force guide him, for Ezra’s sake. It had led him here, where Ezra could grow up safe with a Jedi Master who could teach him. But now that the time had finally come…

He buried his face in his hands with a frustrated growl. Why was he feeling like this? He wanted to blame the Force bond, but he knew it was more than that. He didn’t need the Force to see how earnestly Ezra wanted to learn, how insatiable his curiosity was (like his had once been), and how much they meant to each other. Kanan knew he provided stability and safety to Ezra’s life, and it was unquestionable that Ezra gave Kanan stability in his.

But the Force had other plans. As much as Kanan loved Ezra, he couldn't stay and doom him to a Force bond that would go nowhere. Kanan was a nobody. His connection with Force tenuous at best. With Master Nu, Ezra could become a real Jedi Knight, a rank Kanan could never hope to achieve.

This was all for the best.

Kanan bit his lip, tasting blood. He was dying for a drink. He didn’t think he’d be able to fall asleep tonight without one. Or ten. The anticipation of leaving Ezra - to never see him again - was too intense.

He found himself standing, walking back where Ezra was sleeping. When he opened the door, he saw Ezra curled on his side as usual, his too-thin arms curled up in front of his chest. His face was relaxed, which meant nightmares had not tormented him yet.

Kanan was careful not to make any noise as he closed the door behind him and walked up to the bedside. Sitting comfortably on the ground, he placed a hand on Ezra’s shoulder, relishing the small amount of physical contact.

A moment later, Ezra’s eyes flickered open. “Kan'n…”

“Shh…. go back to sleep.”

Ezra clumsily reached forward, wrapping his skinny fingers around Kanan’s wrist. “You’re... not leaving, right?”

Kanan’s heart leapt to his throat. “I’m right here,” he assured, knowing it was a half-lie.

Ezra seemed to accept this, his eyes falling close despite his surprisingly strong grip.

Once his breathing had evened out, Kanan let out a huge sigh. There was no way he could be a Jedi. His attachment to Ezra only solidified that fact. Regardless of the strong bright presence at the other end of their bond, he refused to open it. It would have given him a modicum of solace, but it would have only been temporary (always temporary). It didn't matter that this was his last night with him. The sooner Kanan could abandon their bond, the sooner Ezra could move on.

Still, it didn’t ease the heavy pain in his heart. A part of him screamed to stay, but he knew it was just his own greed. He shoved it down, telling himself to be selfless. To be the better man. He may have failed his master, but he wouldn’t fail Ezra. Not this time.

Kanan leaned over and gently pressed his forehead against Ezra’s. “I love you,” he whispered. “And that’s why I have to leave.”


	12. Parting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan tells Ezra that he's leaving.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Ezra suffers a flashback of his abuse. If you want to skip it, just skip the italicized section at the beginning of this chapter.

_What did you do!?”_

_Ezra crept backward, his hand pressing against his quickly swelling cheek. “I-I didn’t m-mean to…”_

_"Don’t try your dirty tricks on me," his uncle snarled. “The senator just wanted to examine you, and you couldn’t manage behave yourself for just_ **_one night_** _, could you, you useless brat!”_

_Ezra was thrown onto the ground, and before he could stutter out an apology, a boot was slammed against his side. Something cracked and Ezra screamed at the pain, feeling a disturbing grinding with every sobbing breath that followed._

_His uncle shoved him on his back and straddled him. “I’ll teach you to make a fool out of us!” Ezra automatically raised his arms in defense but his uncle just slapped them to the side before pummeling his fist against him. Each blow elicited a pained cry as the ring on his uncle’s finger pierced Ezra’s skin. He could hardly breathe between the choking sobs and the white hot pain in his chest and face._

_By the time his uncle stopped, Ezra was barely conscious, pain pulsating through his head with every heartbeat and his vision swaying. He looked up and shriveled underneath his uncle’s disgusted glare. His lip was curled as he regarded Ezra like some chewed up piece of mold some creature had thrown back up. “We should have thrown you out with the rest of the garbage when we had the chance.”_

_“Now, now, Barnabas…” Aunt Sarai soothed. “We may yet make a profit off of the boy. Though we probably shouldn’t damage him any more.”_

_Barnabas huffed. “Easy for you to say. You’re not_ **_related_ ** _to this creature!”_

_“Hush, my dear…” Sarai wrapped an arm around her husband, ignoring the trembling boy that lay beneath him. “I didn’t say we shouldn’t punish him. Just that any serious physical damage might not be optimal if we want to sell him to those who wish to experiment on him.”_

_Barnabas gave a dramatic sigh. “I suppose you’re right.” He shot another hateful glare at his nephew as he undid his belt. “I’ll give him a good strapping. It should heal within a few days, and he’ll hopefully have learned his lesson by then.”_

* * *

A strangled cry was lodged in Ezra’s throat as he woke up, his body jerking violently against the blankets that ensnared him. All he could feel was his uncle sitting on top of him, and he kicked at it as hard as he could. By the time he was freed, his back was pressed tight against the wall, his breathing harsh and high pitched as he tried to make sense of his surroundings.

His aunt and uncle were nowhere to be seen. The plain and empty room as barely illuminated by the buzzing white light that leaked through the cracks of the doorway. Ezra whimpered at the unfamiliarity of it, struggling to remember where he was and how he got here. He wrapped his arms across his chest as his body trembled from both the fear and the cold. His heart was pounding painfully in his chest, echoing loudly in his ears.

The pain he felt was quickly fading, leaving behind only ghostly echoes. He brought a shaky hand up to his face, lightly tracing the tiny scars that littered the skin around his left eye and cheek. They were just scars though, not fresh and bleeding cuts. It was an unwelcome relief. With the pain gone, all he could feel was the deep shame and wretchedness that dug at his insides. It clawed up his throat and choked him as he remembered how worthless and disgusting he was. Not even his own family had wanted him. Even before he accidentally used the Force, he had always been the offspring of traitors. He hardly even deserved the clothes and food they generously sacrificed for him.

There was a soft groan to Ezra’s left, making his head snap up in search for it’s source. His body minutely relaxed at the sight of Kanan sitting on the ground beside the bed. He was sound asleep, back was slumped against the wall, legs stretched out in front of him, and his head hanging down so that his chin was resting on his chest. One arm laid in his lap while the other laid on the ground closer to the bed.

As Ezra's fear lessen, his confusion grew. Why was Kanan sleeping there? Why hadn’t he crawled into bed with Ezra? It’s not like they weren’t used to sharing at this point.

Another groan broke Ezra out of his thoughts. He saw Kanan’s brow furrow slightly, his head twitching. It looked like he was about to have another nightmare.

Well, Ezra wasn’t going to just sit back and let that happen. Grabbing one of the blankets and ignoring his own trembling limbs, he slid off the bed and onto the ground next to Kanan. “I-It’s okay,” he whispered. He raised a trembling hand and carefully pressed his fingers against Kanan’s forehead, trying to smooth out the lines of tension. Once his brow began to relax, Ezra moved his hand to pet back the loose strands of hair, just like Kanan had done so many times for him. “W-We’re safe here…”

Eventually, Kanan’s expression relaxed fully, and he fell back into a restful slumber. Giving a shaky smile, Ezra wrapped one end of the blanket around his own shoulders before throwing the other end over Kanan’s legs. He curled up on the ground and rested his head on Kanan’s thigh. His smile widened as Kanan automatically raised his arm to rest it over Ezra’s waist. The loose embrace cast away the last threads of Ezra’s own nightmare, allowing him to close his eyes without falling into a panic.

“We’re safe here.”

* * *

A strong hand gripped Ezra’s shoulder and gently shook him. “Hey, kiddo. Wake up.”

“Hmm…” Ezra blinked a few times to clear his vision. It must have been morning, but without any natural light, the room didn’t look any different. Ezra rolled back and looked up at Kanan. The older man was rubbing the back of his neck, grimacing slightly. “You okay?” Ezra asked.

Kanan’s hand moved to massage the muscle that connected his neck to his shoulder. “Just stiff.” He met Ezra’s gaze. “What’re you doing on the floor?”

“Had a nightmare,” Ezra replied. “Why’re _you_ on the floor?”

Kanan didn’t respond. Instead he just stared at Ezra, his expression uncomfortably empty. Ezra was once again reminded of how cutoff he felt from Kanan. The presence that had been merely muffled before was now all but gone. He tried to tell himself that this was normal, that the strange connection he had felt with Kanan earlier on had just been his imagination, but a part of him knew that wasn’t true. A nagging voice in the back of his head kept telling him that there was something wrong.

_Aunt Sarai sneered. “You really can’t do anything right, can you?”_

Ezra pressed his cheek back against Kanan’s thigh, swallowing down the bile that had suddenly flooded his mouth.

Kanan suddenly shook his head. “I suppose I was more tired than I thought…” He let out a chuckle. “Figures: we have access to normal beds and we end up sleeping on duracrete.” He stretched his arms out in front of him with a grunt. “We should stretch. Sleeping like this isn’t good for either of us.”

Ezra felt fine, but just about anything felt comfortable after months of sleeping in the hatch on his aunt’s ship. And the way Kanan had been sitting _did_ look really uncomfortable. He watched as Kanan stood and twisted his torso, pulling his arms across his chest. There were several audible pops and cracks, and Kanan let out an exaggerated sigh of relief. “I’m too young to be this stiff…” he muttered.

He continued to do various stretches, and Ezra went to stand next to him and tried to mimic his motions. Nothing felt particularly special about these stretches, but they seemed to make Kanan feel better, so Ezra figured they must be worth doing.

When Kanan finished, Ezra looked up at him expectantly to once again find Kanan staring at him with an unreadable expression. Ever since Master Nu had found them, Kanan had been acting a little odd. Last night, Ezra had chalked it up to the shock of seeing a fellow Jedi for the first time in years. But now Kanan’s entire demeanor was off. He seemed distant. In a way, it reminded Ezra of all the nights Kanan would stumble back to the apartment after a night of drinking. Those nights he would barely even acknowledge Ezra, lost in his own mind as he shed his clothes off and fell into bed.

But Kanan didn’t smell like alcohol. And his body was way too tense. Something else was at work here, though he had no idea what that something else could be. And that unknown put Ezra on edge.

As if broken out of a spell, Kanan suddenly smiled, although it didn’t reach his eyes. “Let’s see if Master Nu is awake.”

Ezra followed Kanan closely as they walked out to the room they had eaten in the night before. He was relieved that there didn’t seem to be any sign of the old woman. She seemed nice enough, and Kanan obviously trusted her. However, her presence was nearly as muffled as Kanan’s, which meant Ezra had no way of telling what _she_ thought of _him._ And that meant he had no idea how to act around her. Not to mention the Force _around_ her swirled and sang loudly, hinting at how powerful she was. It was honestly a little frightening. Even Kanan seemed a little afraid of her.

They did find an old C1 droid that was plugged in to a power unit. As soon as it spotted them, it started beeping urgently, pointing at them accusingly with one of its arms. Ezra didn’t know why it was so angry, but he shrank back and stepped to the side so that Kanan’s body was firmly between him and the agitated droid.

“Whoa, calm down!” Kanan said as he raised his hands placatingly. “We’re not intruders. Master Nu brought us down here.”

The droid didn’t seem convinced, as it continued to beep and gesticulate angrily at them.

“Because I knew her at the Temple,” Kanan replied. “I was one of her students.”

Belatedly, Ezra realized that Kanan could actually understand the droid. He could only stare in disbelief. How could that beeping and groaning resemble anything even close to language?

The droid seemed marginally calmer, though was still beeping incessantly. Then it turned its optic toward Ezra, who was peeking his head out from behind Kanan. It pointed at him with a discontented groan, and Ezra quickly hid back behind Kanan, gripping his sweater tightly and pressing his forehead against Kanan’s back. He didn’t want to cause any trouble.

“He’s a youngling,” Kanan growled. “I’m assuming you know what that means unless your circuits are fried.”

The droid’s grumbling became lower in what was presumably some sort of reluctant acceptance. Kanan just let out an annoyed sigh before reaching back and placing a hand on Ezra’s shoulder. “It’s alright,” he said. “C1-P3 won’t bother us. It’s not like the bucket of bolts doesn’t have reason to be suspicious…”

Ezra looked over at the droid again, relieved to see that it was no longer pointing at him. He glanced back up at Kanan and gave a nervous nod. As long as Kanan was here with him, he knew he would be okay.

They sat down at the table before Kanan started rifling through his bag. “I’m sure Master Nu has real food around, but until she wakes up…” Predictably, he pulled out a ration bar.

Ezra eagerly took it and ripped it open. Predictable or not, he _was_ hungry. “Why’s it fake?” he asked.

Kanan just blinked at him several times before responding. “What?”

“Captain Verellian said it too… how come ration bars are fake?”

Kanan’s expression remained unchanged as he continued to stare at Ezra. It got to the point where Ezra started to fiddle anxiously with his wrapper. _Wrong, wrong, wrong…_

Finally, Kanan gave a small shake of his head. “Uh…” He frowned as he seemed to search for words. “They’re not fake. They’re just… well, you know, not good. It’s not fresh food, you know? It’s made out of not real things. Well, not _fake_ things, but it’s manufactured, you know?”

Ezra couldn’t help but stare at Kanan with nervous skepticism. It wasn’t just the weirdly long stares or the rambling answer. It was everything. Ezra had already eaten half his bar before Kanan even got around to opening his own. He was moving slower than usual. Like he had to think through every move before doing it. He had a slight frown and was obviously distracted. Worry churned in Ezra’s stomach, forming a dense pit. There was something seriously wrong. “You… You okay?”

Kanan blinked and stared at him, looking mildly startled. “I’m fine, Ezra. I’m fine. It’s just…” He snapped his jaw shut, regarding his bar with unnatural interest. His words hung in the air, the silence growing more tense with every passing second. Then he shook his head and sighed. “I need to talk to you about this before Master Nu wakes up.”

The pit in Ezra’s stomach got heavier at the resignation in Kanan’s voice. _Wrong wrong wrong_. Having completely lost his appetite, Ezra placed his unfinished bar on the table before tucking his trembling hands between his legs. “T-Talk to me about w-what…?”

It took a moment for Kanan to reply. “What do you think of Master Nu?”

“She’s… nice.”

Again, Kanan stared him. Although this time he looked like he was expecting Ezra to say more, but Ezra didn’t have anything else to add. He had just met her and hardly knew her. Sure, he was a little scared of her and she seemed a bit cold, but he doubted Kanan wanted to hear that.

When Ezra failed to elaborate, Kanan let out a small sigh. “She’s a real Jedi Knight, you know. A master who’s had her own padawans. You know, padawans that she's trained to be Jedi Knights. And not just that, she was also one of the main teachers back at the Temple on Coruscant. All the younglings learned from her, including me.”

Kanan looked at him expectantly, and all Ezra could manage was to nod slowly. He didn’t understand why Kanan seemed to be in a rush to tell him all of this.

“She’s strict and can be a bit of a hardnose, especially when it comes to her precious Archive… but no one knows more about the Jedi and their history than she does. She’s dedicated her life to it. Is _still_ dedicated to it. Most of the other initiates thought she must be weak, but I heard that she was actually quite skilled with a saber, despite her age. She even used to sit on the High Council, and that must mean something…”

Kanan was beginning to sound desperate, which only brought Ezra closer to the edge of panic. “K-Kanan?”

He paused in his lengthy description. “Yes?”

Ezra’s throat tightened and he struggled to get his words out. “W-What’s wrong...?”

Kanan’s eyes widened before he deliberately looked away. “My point, Ezra, is that she’ll be a good teacher for you. You’ll learn to be a real Jedi under her guidance. And more importantly, you’ll be _safe_ with her.”

Ezra frowned. “She’s… gonna help you teach me?”

Kanan stared intently at the table, barely shaking his head. “No, Ezra,” he said, his voice barely audible. “She’s going to _take over_ teaching you.”

He said it like it was meaningful, but Ezra knew he was still missing something. _Wrong wrong wrong._ “Then… what’re _you_ gonna do?”

“I’m…” He closed his eyes and visibly swallowed. “I’m leaving.”

The statement didn’t quite compute. Ezra’s mind had suddenly frozen and no amount of effort on his part could make it work again. “Leaving,” he echoed.

Kanan nodded, opening his eyes to stare intently at the table again. “And you’re going to stay here and train with Master Nu,” he muttered, his voice strained.

Comprehension hit Ezra like an Imperial freighter. He tried to respond, but he had unintentionally stopped breathing so it just came out as a strangled choke.

Kanan flinched at the noise. “This is for the best…” he said softly, but with an undertone of conviction.

“Why?” Ezra managed to croak, his eyes started to burn with tears. “W-Why are you _leaving_!?”

“Because it’s for the best.” Kanan still refused to look at him. “You are far better off here with Master Nu than you are out there with me.”

Ezra’s breathing came in short bursts as he shook his head in denial. This couldn’t be happening. Kanan was leaving? Shoving him over to a complete stranger and leaving him behind?

Just like his aunt and uncle had tried to do.

What did he do wrong? He tried to think over everything that had happened the last several weeks. Was this about the holocron? Kanan had said it had been okay, but maybe he had just been saying that. Maybe in reality he was still furious with Ezra but was just too nice say anything. But now he was tired of pretending all the time and had finally found an opportunity to get rid of him.

Kanan placed a hand on Ezra’s shoulder but he flinched back from it, scrambling off his chair and stepping away from him. All the times Kanan had comforted him, held him, made his nightmares go away… Suddenly, it all felt like a lie.

“Ezra…”

“ _Why?_ ” he repeated, his throat constricting on itself, making his voice high pitched. “W-What did I do? _What did I do wrong!?_ ”

“Nothing!” Kanan almost shouted. He looked - he _sounded_ \- desperate as he knelt in front of Ezra and reached for him. “Ezra, you have to understand…!”

Kanan’s voice faded away as _liar, liar, liar_ began to echo loudly in his head. Ezra slammed his eyes closed, tears rolling down his face as he shook his head. He didn’t want to hear Kanan’s pleading tone as his world crumbled down around him. He pressed the heels of his hands against his temples as he curled in on himself and started rocking back and forth. He needed to disappear. He needed to drown out the fact that his fears were coming true.

Hands gripped his shoulders, but Ezra shoved them away. “No!” he screamed, his voice shrill.

“Ezra, _please_ listen to me...!”

“ _No!_ ” Anger flared in his chest, fusing with his fear and his shame as they all wrapped around his body and soaked into his skin. He opened his eyes and glared at the brown and green blur in Kanan’s direction. “You _lied_ to me! You said you cared! Y-You said…” His voice sputtered off into sobs, hating himself for being so stupid. No one cared. Not really. Not enough to stay or keep him around. He was people’s _responsibility_ , but that didn’t mean they actually loved him. It just meant he was a task to be dealt with.

Kanan gripped his shoulders again, this time resisting Ezra’s attempts to shove him away. “Ezra, _listen_ to me! I am doing this _because_ I care. I know it might not seem like that now, but I’m doing this _for_ you!”

Ezra pulled back against Kanan’s bruising grip, but his fingers were digging in too tightly. That was when a bubble of fear began to grow inside of him. “Let go,” he pleaded.

“Please, _please_ try to understand…”

_Ezra let out a grunt as he was shoved back against the wall, his aunt digging her sharp fingernails into the flesh of his arms. “Do you really not understand?” she snarled. “Then let me spell it out for you, you stupid little boy…”_

“Let go _let go_ _LET GO!_ ” Ezra screamed.

Finally, the hands were gone, and Ezra took his chance to escape. He ran back to the only place familiar to him: the bedroom that he (that _they)_  had slept it. He slammed the door behind him, his breathing harsh and unnaturally loud in the empty room. The closest thing he had to a safe haven.

But it had only been safe because Kanan had been there, a guardian against his nightmares. He was only safe because Kanan had taken care of him. Because Kanan cared about him. _Liar, liar, liar..._  

He needed to hide. Grabbing one of the blankets from the bed, he wrapped it completely around himself, blocking out the world and letting himself wallow in the protective cocoon.

Kanan’s voice floated into his awareness. “Ezra?” he called, his voice muffled behind both the blanket and the closed door. “Ezra, _please…_ ”

He couldn’t take it. The sorrow and pain he heard in Kanan’s voice, it had to be fake. Everything he had experienced with Kanan, it had to be fake, right? If Kanan really cared about him, if Kanan really wanted him, he wouldn’t be dumping him off onto some stranger like a piece of luggage.

“Go away…” Ezra called back. He couldn’t do this. He couldn't handle the thought of just being another burden.

“Ezra… Listen, I need to…”

“ _Go away!_ ” Ezra shrieked, letting out all of the confusion and anger that was boiling beneath his skin. “You’re a liar, and I _hate_ you!”

There was a long bout of silence before he finally heard the echo of Kanan’s boots walking away.

Ezra wrapped the blanket even tighter around himself as he sobbed, as if he could squeeze out the coarse pain that was dragging through his lungs with every ragged breath. As if he could forget the way Kanan had taken care of him and pretended to love him.

He didn’t know how much time had passed by the time he heard Master Nu knocking at his bedroom door. Long enough that his sobs had long faded, leaving behind only exhaustion and stuttered breathing as he laid bonelessly on the bed, still hiding underneath his blanket. “Ezra?” she called. “It’s almost time for dinner.”

It was like she cared if he ate. Kanan had seemed to care about that. Still, Ezra slowly shrugged the blanket off without protest. At this point he felt empty and numb in the aftermath of his emotional upheaval. And he couldn’t deny that his stomach was complaining for some food. Kanan was probably going to chastise him for going this long without eating. He meekly stood from his bed and opened the door, looking listlessly at the old woman. He expected Kanan to be standing next to her, but frowned when he found her alone. He wrapped his arms around himself, taking a small step back. “W-Where’s Kanan?”

Her eyes widen for just a moment before slanting down in a more sympathetic expression. “Jarrus told me he had already explained everything…”

Ezra’s heart clenched. “W-What’d you mean?”

In her defense, Master Nu looked genuinely regretful. “Youngling… Jarrus has already left the planet.”

Just when he thought he had spent all of his tears, his vision began to blur again again as he stared at her in disbelief. Sharp pain shot through his body from the soles of his feet to the palms of his hands. Kanan had already left? Without saying goodbye?

A cold claw suddenly gripped his throat, threatening to strangle him. Was that why he was trying so hard to talk to Ezra? So they could have one last moment together? Ezra wracked his brain, trying to remember the last thing he had said to Kanan.

 _Go_ **_away_** _! You’re a liar, and I_ **_hate_ ** _you!_

Bile flooded Ezra’s mouth, and this time he couldn’t swallow it down. He fell to his knees and heaved onto the floor, the bits of his ration bar coming back up. He coughed and dry heaved, even when only sour bile dripped from his mouth.

There was a hand on his back and he jerked away from it. This was wrong. It wasn’t Kanan. It was just some woman he had never met before yesterday.

Master Nu didn’t seem offended by the rejection. In fact, she seemed almost understanding. “I know this is difficult. I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling right now. All I can do is assure you that it will pass. In the end, you will see that this is for the best.”

That was what Kanan had said, and Ezra felt another stab of anger. Why did all the grown-ups think they had it all figured out? What makes them so much better at deciding what’s 'for the best'?

Resentment joined in to the cacophony of emotions that clawed and yanked at Ezra’s psyche. He couldn’t do this. Whatever Kanan had expected of him, whatever Master Nu thought he was capable of, he knew he was going to fail. If the past had taught him anything, it was that nothing he did mattered. In the end, everyone resented him. Everyone hated him.

What reason did he have to believe otherwise?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate any feedback you guys can give! I'm anticipating the response to this chapter to be similar to the last...


	13. One Year Later

Kanan sat at the bar, sipping a bright yellow drink the bartender had called a Coruscant Sunrise. He wasn’t sure how exactly he had been talked into buying it. It was overwhelmingly sweet. Not the type of drink Kanan usually went for. But considering he had already had six or seven shots worth of liquor, it was probably a good idea to slow down. Besides, he was almost in that comfortable spot of drunkenness where his connection to the Force had faded into the back of his mind. And with it, the incessant presence of his bond with Ezra.

It had been a year since he had left Ezra on Ossus. It had been a bitter departure. The utter look of betrayal on Ezra’s face, the fear and anger as he had screamed at him, all still haunted his dreams. He coped by insisting that it was for the best. If Ezra hated him, maybe that would make it easier for their bond to fade away into nothingness.

Except that hadn’t happened yet. A year without so much as a word exchanged them, and Kanan could still feel Ezra’s presence in his mind. It wasn’t much. Whether it was his shielding or the distance, he couldn’t sense the boy’s emotions or thoughts, and he was pretty sure Ezra couldn’t sense his either. It was like there was a durasteel door between them. They couldn’t discern any useful information from each other, but they could still feel that one another was just _there_.

It made Kanan want to hit the bottle even harder.

“What in sithspit is this…?”

A hand yanked the Coruscant Sunrise from him. He looked over and was only slightly surprised to see his newish partner, a Twi’lek named Hera Syndulla. With gorgeous green skin and eyes and an almost hypnotically melodic voice, she was a passionate woman with dreams of rebellion against the Empire. When Kanan had first joined her on her equally beautiful ship, he honestly wasn’t looking for more than a chance to spend more time in her company. While she hadn’t been exactly _receptive_ to his advances, they had cultivated a relatively close platonic relationship in the last few months. Especially since she realized he was more than just a drunk gunslinger.

Hera sipped the Sunrise before cringing. “Don’t tell me you were actually considering _finishing_ this, were you?”

Kanan shrugged. “One more drink and I’m there…”

“There?”

“That spot where I can forget.”

Hera’s eyes narrowed before she dropped the drink onto the counter. “Alright.” She grabbed his arm and proceeded to drag him out of the bar.

“Hey! I wasn’ done…!”

“Oh yes, you were.” Her grip on his arm only tightened. “This is the third time this week you’ve completely trashed yourself.”

Kanan let himself be dragged away, but not without a pronounced frown to make sure she knew he wasn’t happy about this. It was true that he had tamped down on his drinking since joining her on the _Ghost_. It was half because Hera insisted on keeping the ship dry and half because she clearly found the behaviour distasteful.

But a few days ago he realized it had been one standard year exactly since he left Ezra. And this damned bond was still here. At the very least, the alcohol helped him forget its presence for a few hours.

Once they were back on the _Ghost_ , Hera let Kanan go, watching as he stumbled into the nearby crates. “You know, one of these days you’re going to explain to me who exactly this ‘Ezra’ person is.”

It took some effort, but Kanan managed to get back onto his feet. If he had one regret, it was that he had apparently muttered on about Ezra while he had been blacked out. And that had only been a week after he had joined her on her ship as a crew member. “When I came on this ship, I didn’ do it to be inter… intero… interrrrrogated.”

“It’s not an interrogation, Kanan. But you can’t expect me to just ignore this ‘Ezra’ thing when it’s clearly messing with your head so badly.” She placed an arm around Kanan’s back and helped guide him to the galley. “If you think I’m going to let this go anytime soon, you got another think coming.”

Kanan didn’t respond, but he managed to level a glare at her. He was already torturing himself enough. He didn’t need another voice in his head bring Ezra up and rubbing salt into his wounds.

Once in the galley, Hera shoved Kanan down into a seat before heading toward the sink. Meanwhile, the C1 droid she called ‘Chopper’ came rolling up beeping low at him.

“Yes, I’m drunk,” he growled. “What is it to you?”

Chopper whomped questioningly at him.

“Well, I don’t see how it’s any of your damned business,” Kanan mumbled.

Chopper began to say something exceedingly rude when Hera hit him. “Don’t you have diagnostics to run?” she asked as she passed a full glass of water to Kanan.

The droid reluctantly left, grumbling about useless Jedi. Had he been more sober, Kanan might have taken offense. As it was, he was just tired.

He sipped on the water as Hera sat across from him. “Seriously, Kanan. You can’t go on like this.”

Kanan shrugged. If she thought this was bad, she should have seen him right after he left Ossus. He still has no idea how he got from Columex to Saleucami. “Whatever it takes to forget.”

Hera sipped her own drink, which was steaming hot. It took his brain a few moments to identify the smell as some sort of tea. “Forget that you used to be a part of the Jedi Order, or forget about this ‘Ezra’?”

“Both,” he said frankly. “I’m tired of remembering all the people I’ve failed.” He met eyes with Hera. “You’re the first person I’ve been with that I _haven’t_ failed.” He paused. “Yet.”

It took a moment for Hera to respond, and when she did, her voice was frustratingly patient. “Why do you think you’ve failed them? Because you survived?”

Kanan rolled his eyes. He knew Hera was trying to make him feel better, but he really just wanted this conversation to end. “Left my master behind to die. Made a child depend on me when I had no business being depended upon…”

Hero frowned. “A child?”

Kanan grimaced. He had said too much. “Forget it. I’m here to help you help other people. Not wallow in my self-pity.” He downed the rest of the water and stood. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Kanan…!”

But he ignored her. He couldn’t do this. Not now, not ever. If he could just forget that Ezra existed, it would be better for everyone. For all he knew, his inability to let go was what was keeping this bond of theirs alive. And the longer he clung to it, the longer he was going to end up making Ezra suffer.

He shut himself up in his room, not bothering to even turn on the light. He knelt on the floor and closed his eyes. He had been mediating a lot lately, hoping he could use it to help him sever the Force bond once and for all. So far, it hadn’t worked. To be fair, there wasn’t much left to their bond nowadays. It was simply _there_ as a statement of existence.

As much as he hated to admit it, a part of him was terrified of losing it, if only because he wouldn’t be sure if it was gone due to atrophy or because something horrible had happened to Ezra.

Kanan opened his eyes. Even with only the sliver of light peaking through the cracks of his quarters, he could see his closet. In his mind’s eye, he pictured the comlink Master Nu had given be him before he left. Even if he had no intention of using it, it was comforting to have. When that day finally came, he had a way to confirm that Ezra was okay. To prove that he had done something right for once.

The floor continued to sway discontentedly beneath him, forcing him to give up his attempts at mediation. He wished Hera hadn’t interrupted his night at the bar. He had not had quite enough to block out the Force, but he had had too much to meditate properly.

Kicking his boots off and pulling the tie out of his hair, he laid down on his bunk and stared at the durasteel above him, not bothering to change into proper night clothes. He took a deep breath and tried to ignore the incessant itching on the inside of his skull. He tried to empty his mind of all thoughts, but the image of the blue-eyed child, with his cheekbones still a little too pronounced, smiling excitedly at him kept flashing before his eyes.

He covered his face with his hands, letting out a soft groan of frustration. After all this time… what the hell was wrong with him?

* * *

Jocasta Nu found that she was doubting herself, which was not something that often happened.

Unsurprisingly, the weeks following Kanan Jarrus’ departure were exceedingly difficult for both her and her new student, albeit much more so for young Ezra. He had entered a sort of depression, spending the vast majority of his time shut up in his room. Any attempts on her or P3’s part in engaging with the youngling usually ended in bitter sobbing or angry shouting.

At first, Jocasta didn’t push him. She recognized his need to grieve. However, after two weeks of almost no improvements, she decided to intercede. His incessant hiding and uncontrollable bouts of emotion were not going to serve him in the long run. After practically blackmailing the child to take some diagnostics, she outlined a plan for his education and insisted he start his lessons.

It was almost three months before the child begrudgingly accepted that she knew what she was doing, and he began to listen and learn from her without so much resistance.

She had been inclined to agree with Jarrus: Ezra was far too attached to him. There was a reason the Jedi Order took in younglings at infancy. If they were raised under the careful guidance of the Temple, they weren’t likely to form attachments that would interfere with their training.

It’s not that she blamed the child, or Jarrus for that matter. Given the circumstances, it was perfectly understandable that Ezra had formed an attachment with the former padawan. While Ezra was relatively tight lipped about his past, she had been able to glean bits and pieces from the few statements he had unwittingly let slip. That - along with what she had been able to find on her own after some digging - formed a fairly clear picture.

Ezra Bridger. Born on what was now known as _Empire Day_ seven years before he and Jarrus showed up on Ossus. His parents were Mira and Ephraim Bridger, tried and executed for treason before Ezra had even been a year old. As per Imperial regulation, he was turned over to his next of kin, Mira Bridger’s brother Barnabas, who was married to a tycoon named Sarai Bemming, owner of Bemming Shipping.

Official records ended there, but from the scars, the signs of long term malnutrition, and his reactions to sudden movement, it was not hard to deduce how his aunt and uncle had treated him. It was no wonder Jarrus’ simple kindness had endeared himself to the boy. But as understandable as Ezra’s attachment was, Jocasta knew she needed to train it out of him. Attachments were dangerous and only put Force-sensitives at further risk of falling to the dark side.

However, as a student, Ezra was exceedingly stubborn. Even after nearly a year, he treated her with suspicion and questioned her every motive. He was more likely to snap and yell at her than he was to actually listen. That, or simply withdraw into himself. He was a bit more behaved when they were off Ossus, collecting what data they could from the now abandoned Jedi Temples. At the very least, he seemed to understand that it was a matter of life or death when they were out and about in the galaxy at large.

But here on Ossus? Ezra had a tendency to sneak off and hide in one of the uncountable corners of the Library. What he was doing while he hid, the old master could only guess. She just hoped it involved meditation and practicing his drills was involved. If she was lucky, perhaps some much needed reading as well.

Jocasta was not unaccustomed to unruly younglings, but that did not make the experience any less frustrating.

Then, a few days ago, everything Jocasta presumed to know had changed.

For once, Ezra was behaving, sitting at the table and actually listening to her instead of fidgeting restlessly or staring off into space.

“... and after passing the Initiate Trials, a youngling is eligible to be taken in as an apprentice by a Jedi Knight or Master. In the Jedi Order, we called these apprentices ‘padawans’. It is the only path to becoming a Jedi Knight, and a Jedi is not permitted to take on more than one padawan at a time.”

Ezra frowned. “Why? Is it hard?”

“To teach younglings like yourself? Very much so,” Jocasta replied with some mirth. “It is not trivial to pass the Jedi Trials. It is important for the padawan to get one-on-one training for several years if they are to have any hope of passing them. They will be working so closely with their master that a Force bond is almost guaranteed to form, which is why these apprenticeships should never be entered into lightly.”

“What’s a Force bond?”

Once upon a time, she would have been annoyed at the constant interruptions. However, now she was just relieved that Ezra was paying enough attention _to_ ask questions. “It’s a strong connection formed between two Force-sensitives. Through it, they can communicate and sense each other emotions and thoughts, even over great distances. It can aid the master in guiding his padawan both on and off the field of battle. It can also make instruction easier as the master can convey concepts mentally through their bond rather than try to put everything into words. It usually takes months if not years for a Force bond to form.”

“Usually?” Ezra parroted.

Jocasta sighed. One would think after all these years of teaching she would have learned not to leave statements open like that. “Very rarely, the Force may guide two Force-sensitives together. Upon meeting one another, a bond will form almost immediately. It still takes time and work for the bond to fully mature, but the process will not be as long and difficult. But as I said, this is a very rare occurrence.”

Ezra had a strange expression on his face - some mixture of confusion, thoughtfulness, and discomfort - but he didn’t ask any further questions on the topic.

At the time, she didn’t think much of it. She had simply resumed her lecture. However, the following morning, Ezra once again broached the topic of Force bonds. “Can only Jedi and padawans form a Force bond?”

Jocasta raised an eyebrow at the question. “No. A bond can be formed between any two Force-sensitives, but considering the amount of time and effort they take, they are mostly only found between a master and their apprentice.”

Ezra squirmed in his seat, only poking at what was left of his breakfast. “Have _you_ ever had a bond before?”

“Of course. I have taken on padawans in the past.” And eight years ago, she felt them all sever at once. At the time, she thought the pain and trauma alone would kill her. But that was neither here nor there.

“What…” Ezra took a deep breath. “What does it f-feel like?”

Jocasta considered the question cautiously. There was something off about this. It was not the question itself so much as the amount of trepidation with which the youngling had asked it. “It’s hard to describe,” she said slowly, carefully gauging Ezra’s reaction. “It’s a certainty in the other’s presence. As Force-sensitives, we can sense another sentient’s emotional state to a certain extent. That is, assuming they have not mastered mental shielding. But through a bond: emotions, thoughts, and images can flow freely.”

Several minutes passed in silence, Ezra still staring intensely at his food as he fiddled with it. Then, his voice slow and hesitant, he said, “Unless one of them is shielding.”

Jocasta frowned. “I beg your pardon?”

Ezra looked up from his plate, and she was startled to see that his eyes were brimming with tears. He took a deep shuddering breath as he wrung his hands together. “Through a bond… one of them could still use mental shields, right? W-Which means someone could block all those emotions, thoughts, and images. I-If they didn’t w-want the bond, I mean…”

Jocasta Nu was in the habit of keeping her own mental shields up in order not let her students’ emotions influence her teaching. But she didn’t need the Force to tell her something was obviously very wrong with her student. It was almost as if…

No. It couldn’t be. “Tell me what you are thinking, youngling. Why are you asking me these questions?”

Ezra focused his gaze on his hands, which were still wringing together in an almost frenzied manner. “I…” He paused, biting his lip. “I can feel Kanan,” he finally whispered.

She didn’t want to believe it. In fact, every fiber of her being wanted to prove to Ezra that he was mistaken. She had not been exaggerating before: a bond forming in such a short time was almost unheard of. But more dire than that were the much greater consequences involved if by some miracle Ezra was somehow correct. “What do you mean?” she asked carefully. 

Ezra continued to squirm uncomfortably. “He’s here.” He tapped the side of his head. “I don’t know his emotions or stuff… but I can _feel_ him.” He looked up at her almost pleadingly. “Am I a bad student?” he asked, his voice cracking.

The joking answer was ‘ _yes_ ’. The honest answer was ' _a bit_.’ Neither were what Ezra needed to hear. Jocasta considered her words very carefully. In the last year, this was the first time Ezra had willingly brought up Kanan Jarrus. The fact that he was doing so now spoke to how serious the matter was. “Kanan didn’t leave because you were a bad student. He left because it was what was best for you.”

Through his grief, Ezra’s lip curled in anger. “That’s a _stupid_ reason. I don’t _want_ what’s best for me. I just want…” His voice petered off and the anger in his face faded.

Jocasta sighed. “Listen to me, youngling.” She placed a hand on his shoulder. “I want you to tell me about when you first met Kanan.”

Ezra looked up at her, his brow slightly furrowed. “What?”

“What did you feel when you first saw him?”

It was like pulling teeth from a nexu’s mouth, but she got her answer. Ezra’s inherent trust of Jarrus, the unexplainable comfort and solace he had experienced, the sensation of _knowing_ him even though they had just met…

Ezra had formed a Force bond with Kanan Jarrus.

This changed… Well, frankly, it changed _everything._  Had Jocasta known all of this a year ago, she wouldn’t have bothered asking Jarrus to stay. She would have tied him to one of the Library’s great columns if she had had to. Perhaps that was why Jarrus had neglected to mention this bond to her. He obviously cared very deeply for the boy, but he had also made it quite clear that he wanted nothing to do with the Force or the Jedi way of life. While it saddened her to see a once bright and eager youngling lose his way, she knew that she was not the one who could pull him back onto his path.

She was beginning to realize that that task was going to fall to Ezra. But not without her help.

Jocasta had to remind herself that Jarrus had only been a padawan when the Purge occurred. And a young one at that. It was likely that Billaba had not been able to teach him the finer details of Force bonds in the few months she had been his master. Which meant it was also likely that Jarrus did not understand the implications of the bond he had formed with Ezra. If he had, she did not think he would have abandoned youngling so easily.

When she had given Jarrus the comlink, her hope had been that he would one day change his mind and decide to return and help her preserve what was left of the Jedi Order. Now she was going to use it herself to have a very frank conversation with him.

She only hoped that he would listen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's finals time, so I don't know if I'll be able to post next week. If not, I'll definitely post in the week after.


	14. Only Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Master Nu has a serious talk with Kanan, and Ezra has a battle of wills with a pebble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good god, this chapter was hard to write. Seriously, I've had to start using a flowchart to keep track of everyone's emotional state. Hopefully I've done them all justice.

Hera Syndulla was underneath the command dash of the _Phantom_ , working to adjust the shuttle’s steering system. It was in desperate need of calibration, and she had been putting it off. It was tedious work, but she didn’t like Chopper doing it for her. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust him, but she found that the _Phantom_ flew more easily when she did it herself. It apparently needed an organic touch.

But the real reason she had finally gotten around to it was because it kept her hands busy as she pondered her newest crewmate. 

They had only known each other for about three months now, but in that time, she had grown quite fond of the gunslinger slash Jedi. He was competent and quick thinking. Not to mention handsome and, at times, charming (once his shameless flirting finally died down). But this was all while he was sober. When he was drinking, his personality would shift, a dark cloud of depression rearing its ugly head and making him short-tempered and reckless.

Kanan’s alcoholism hadn’t exactly been a secret when she accepted his offer to join her. It hadn’t even been much of a concern. She knew more than her fair share of Clone War survivors who used all manner of narcotics to ease their post traumatic stress. Given what she knew about the Jedi and their fall, it was undoubtable that Kanan had some post traumatic stress of his own. But the frequency of Kanan’s benders had gone down as the weeks went on. When he did drink, he kept it restricted to nighttime so it didn’t interfere with his work. Given all of that, the captain in Hera didn’t see much of an issue.

Then something happened in the past week. After getting paid for their last job, Kanan disappeared into the Dnalvec crowds on Sriluur without so much as a word to her. He didn’t return until the next morning, his hair and clothes muddy and disheveled as he stumbled through the _Ghost._ When she tried to talk to him (or more accurately, yell at him), he just stared at her unseeingly and muttered “It’s for the best… It was for the best…” before collapsing in his quarters.

Although that night had been by far the worst, he has been spending every night since trying to drink himself into a stupor. Hera knew that something must have triggered this. Whether it had been a particularly bad flashback or it was some painful anniversary, she couldn’t be sure. However, from the very little Kanan had let slip, she suspected that it had something to do with this mysterious ‘Ezra’.

The first time Kanan had drunkenly brought up the name, Hera had thought that he was talking about an ex-lover. Kanan had not exactly been coherent, but he had gone on about how he wasn’t good enough and how leaving had been for the best. But now she knew that Ezra was a child, which led her to believe that Ezra was actually his son.

Why had he felt the need to leave his own _child_ behind? It obviously hadn’t been an easy decision for him, if the last few days were any indicator. Kanan had proven again and again what a good person he was, despite his efforts to act otherwise. Protective of those he thought needed protection. So what could have possibly happened to make a person like that think that leaving his child behind was ‘for the best’?

Whatever the answer, Hera refused to stand by and watch her friend slowly destroy himself. She had tried to talk with him about it before, but he was combative when drunk and tight-lipped when sober. That just meant she was going to have to push harder if she was going to break through to his wall of self-pity. Worse comes to worse, she would exert her power as captain and ground him from jobs until he at least _acknowledged_ that he might have some personal demons to tackle.

Hera finished with the steering system and replaced the panel under the console, standing up with a satisfied sigh. It was decided: she would talk to Kanan as soon as he was awake. She didn't care how hungover he was, she wasn’t going to let this go. Whatever the truth was, he needed to know that he could come to her. That he could trust her with his past. Maybe even let her _help_ him.

She climbed down into the _Ghost_ to find Kanan sitting in the common area with his head buried in his hands and a mug of caf steaming in front of him. She jumped onto floor, smirking when the loud clang made Kanan groan. “Still mad I dragged you away from the bar last night?”

“Yes,” he grumbled.

Hera rolled her eyes. “We really need to talk about this, Kanan.”

He peeked out just enough to give her a solid glare before retreating back behind his hands. “No, we don’t.”

“I’m not just going to stand by and watch you drink yourself to death. I grew up around war veterans, you know. I’ve seen what this kind of behavior can do to a person, and it’s _never_ good.”

Kanan lowered his hands with a scowl, avoiding eye contact. “It’s none of your business,” he muttered before picking up his mug and taking a deep gulp from it.

“It became my business when you became part of my crew.” She straightened her back and crossed her arms, silently grateful he was sitting. It was easier to be authoritative when you could look down at a person. “And more than that, it’s my business because you’re my _friend_ , and friends don’t watch friends destroy themselves.”

Kanan rolled his eyes. “I think you’re being a bit dramatic…”

“How much alcohol have you had in just the last three days? The _physical_ consequences aside, you can’t expect me to ignore the fact that you feel the need to escape reality that badly.” He cringed slightly, but didn’t say anything. “Now, you _are_ going to talk to me, because I can’t have you constantly distracted by whatever is going on in that head of yours.”

He regarded her with a look of annoyance. “Are you sure you’re only nineteen?”

Hera rolled her eyes again. “About as sure as I am that you’re a moof-headed idiot.”

Kanan let out an amused huff. “Can’t argue with you there. Although I’d say you’re equally as moof-headed.”

“But I’m not an idiot.” She took the seat across from Kanan, keeping her arms crossed and her captain-face on. “Talk.”

“And what exactly do you want me to talk about?” he asked exasperatedly. “You already know I used to be part of the Jedi Order…”

“How about we start with Ezra.”

He flinched at the name. “No.”

“Kanan…”

“There’s nothing to _talk_ about!”

“Do you really expect me to believe that?” Hera watched as Kanan ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. She could see his frustration, and that meant she was getting somewhere. She pushed forward. “Has it occurred to you that life might be a little easier if you let someone in?”

He let out a bitter chuckle. “That’s the whole problem,” he said. “I let someone in when I had no right to.”

Hera frowned slightly. You didn’t ‘let’ your child into your life. They were a part of it as soon as you brought them into this galaxy. “You mean Ezra, right?” she clarified.

Kanan closed his eyes and let out a tired sigh. “Hera, I really don’t - ”

A faint ping cut him off. They both turned toward the crew’s quarters, where the sound had come from. A moment later, there was another ping. “What is that?” Hera asked.

Kanan’s eyes widened, and he practically launched himself out of his seat. Hera followed him as he ran to his room, the pinging becoming much louder once door opened. She stopped at the doorway and watched as he dug through his closet. “Kanan, what is it?”

He ignored her as he stood, his arm elbow deep in one of his bags. After some frantic rummaging, he let out a triumphant ‘ _Ha!’_ and yanked out his arm.

Hera’s eyes narrowed as she tried to see what he was holding. It was a large-ish metal box with a couple buttons and a small antenna. “Is that a comlink?”

Kanan didn’t seem to hear her as he pressed one of the buttons and spoke into it. “Master Nu?”

“Ah good, you _did_ keep it,” a voice replied. It was mechanical and modulated, but it sounded like an old woman.

“What’s wrong?” Kanan asked with an edge of panic. “Is Ezra alright?”

Hera raised a brow at that.

“If by ‘alright’ you mean the same condition you left him in, then yes. Ezra is fine.”

Kanan’s shoulders visibly relaxed.

“However,” the voice - Master Nu - went on, “I have recently made a rather startling discovery. You were not completely honest with me, Kanan Jarrus.”

“What?” Kanan sounded genuinely surprised. “What are you talking about?”

“You failed to mention the bond you’ve formed with Ezra.”

Hera stared at the box incredulously. Of course Kanan would have formed a bond with Ezra. Parents tended to do that with their children. Why was this Master Nu saying it like it wasn’t expected?

But Kanan’s body had stiffened, as if it was some huge revelation. “H-How did you - ?”

“So you _did_ notice it. Then perhaps you can explain why you omitted this during our last conversation.”

“I-I didn’t see how it was relevant. If you were going to train him…”

There was a heavy sigh over the com. _“_ I know you weren’t with Depa for long, but I know she must have taught you more than just the basics.”

“Of course she did,” Kanan shot back defensively.

“Then why are you running from your padawan?”

 _Padawan?_ Hera’s eyes widened. That was the Jedi term for an apprentice. So… Ezra _wasn’t_ his son?

Well, that changed some things.

“My…” Kanan lowered the comlink for a moment, obviously biting back a less-than-polite response. “You said _you_ would teach him,” he finally replied, his voice forcibly calm.

“Kanan Jarrus,” she replied firmly. “Why are you running away from Ezra?”

There was a long stretch of silence. Then he slowly turned to look at Hera with wide eyes, as if he suddenly remembered that she was standing there. “I-I’ll leave,” she said quietly, realizing how intrusive it was for her to be there.

But Kanan shook his head. Whatever he had to say, he wanted her there to hear it. Maybe he thought it was be easier this way. He brought the comlink back up to his mouth. “You know I’ve rejected the Jedi life. Now I’m just a petty thief. Not to mention a drunken idiot…”

Hera let out a small huff at that. Their work was much more than just ‘petty thievery’. Most of the time anyway.

“... Ezra’s just a kid. It’s not fair to saddle him with me. He deserves a stable life with real master. He’s not going to get either of those with me.”

“And what of your bond?” Master Nu asked. “Does it mean nothing to you?”

“Like I said, it’s not fair to saddle Ezra with me. If I stay away…” Kanan’s voice cracked and he stopped himself. Then he cleared his voice and tried again. “I was _hoping_ to free Ezra of it. So he could develop one with a proper master like you.”

“Ah… and the gap in your knowledge becomes clear.”

Kanan frowned and he glanced at Hera again as if she might have an explanation. She could only shrug in confusion. This all sounded like Jedi stuff, so she was completely and utterly lost.

“Young man,” Master Nu went on. “What do you think Force bonds _are?_ ”

“I - ”

“It was a rhetorical question. Clearly this was a topic Depa was not able to cover with you before her passing.” A flash of pain followed by anger flitted across Kanan’s face, but obviously Master Nu could not see this. “Force bonds are _sacred_. The Force does not allow their formation to occur by mere chance. And from what Ezra has told me, your bond with him formed almost immediately. Did that not strike you as odd?”

“No… Why would it?”

“You know full well that bonds usually take months or years to form.”

Kanan’s eyebrows jumped up in surprise. “They do? But… my bond with Master Billaba, it formed the first time I ever saw her. She wasn’t even _conscious_ at the time!”

A beat of silence. “Remarkable. You must have something special to have formed two Force bonds so naturally.” That made Kanan squirm uncomfortably. “But ultimately, that is beside the point, which is this: Kanan Jarrus, are you aware that only _death_ can break a Force bond?”

The silence that followed was deafening. The tension in the air was thick as Kanan regarded the metal box in his hands with disbelief. Then he sat down on his bunk, and Hera realized his body had a fine tremor to it. “What do you mean ‘ _only_ death’?”

“Well, either that or create a wound in the Force, but I don’t think you intend on creating a cataclysmic loss of life any time soon.”

Disbelief still adorned Kanan as he shook his head. “That… That _can’t_ be…”

“You can still feel it, yes? No matter how strong your shields are, the feeling of Ezra’s presence is always there, isn’t it?”

Kanan pursed his lips and didn’t respond, and that was answer enough.

“If you had managed to look past your own insecurities, it might have occurred to you that _Ezra_ can feel _you_ as well. And no matter how far you go, how hard you try, that feeling will never go away. Not unless one of you dies.” There was a small pause - waiting for her words to sink in - before she went on. “If this was just a normal attachment, I would agree that you should stay away. I _did_ agree. But this is a Force bond, and the longer you try to hide from it, the more painful it will become for _both_ of you."

Kanan's fingers on the comlink had gone white from the strength of his grip, the metal chassis letting out a small creak in protest. 

“I know you want what is best for the boy. Now I’m telling you that what is best is for you to come back. Ezra needs his master. His _real_ master.”

Hera wasn’t Force-sensitive, but even she could sense the conflict in Kanan. No doubt it was between his ridiculous self-loathing and his very real affection for this child. He honestly looked like he was about to throw up.

Finally, he let out a strangled response. “Fine.”

“Good. Now how long will it take you to get here?”

Looking no less nauseous, Kanan looked up at Hera with the silent question.

“I need to know where I’m going.”

“Ossus, in the Adegan system. Near Columex on the Perlemian Route.”

She didn’t know exactly where that was, but she knew the general area. “About two to three days.”

Kanan nodded, turning back to the comlink. “I’ll be there in three days.”

“I’m looking forward to it, Kanan Jarrus.”

The comlink beeped, indicating the end of the transmission. Kanan set the box aside before resting his elbows on his knees and burying his face in his hands. His breathing was harsh and stuttered as he tried to compose himself.

Chopper suddenly appeared behind her, whomping loudly. Hera shot him an annoyed look. “Yes, Chopper, that means we’re leaving. Set a course for Columex.”

Chopper let out a disgruntled grumble, but obediently rolled away toward the bridge. Hera turned back to Kanan who seemed completely unaware of their exchange. “Kanan?”

He flinched slightly before lowering his hands. His eyes were red rimmed, and he looked years older than his actual twenty-two. “Yeah?” he croaked.

“Now you _have_ to explain to me who Ezra is. And what in star's name is going on.”

He let out a tired sigh. “Yeah… I know.”

Hera waited. She wasn’t expecting him to be eager, but she was patient. She could wait for Kanan to get his emotions in order and collect his thoughts.

After several minutes, Kanan took a deep breath and slid to one side of his bunk, indicating the other side with a wave of his hand.

Hera took the silent offer, placing a hand on his shoulder. He relaxed minutely, leaning into the touch. “It was over a year ago on Yabol Opa…”

* * *

It was a pebble.

A dumb pebble.

A dumb pebble that he could have easily thrown.

At least, thrown without using the Force.

Ezra let out a huff as he glowered at it. He had thrown his cousin across a room completely on accident, but now that he was actually _trying_ , the dumb pebble remained frustratingly still. And he had been trying for weeks now.

Master Nu said that it was because he was blocked, that he was letting his fear get the better of him. But right now, staring at the lumpy little shutta, Ezra wasn’t afraid. He was frustrated, bordering on angry, but not afraid.

Then his anger boiled over, a low growl erupting from his throat as he picked up the dumb pebble and hurled it as hard as he could. It made an unsatisfying _clack_ against the far wall before tumbling to the ground with a gentle clatter.

His skin was suddenly hot with humiliation as his anger melted away. He sat back on the ground with a groan. Why couldn’t he do anything right?

Tears welled up, but he pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes to push them back down. This was dumb. _He_ was dumb. He shouldn’t be crying. Crying wasn’t going to make him any better. He let out a harsh sigh as he sat back up straight, blinking rapidly and wiping away his errant tears.

He looked over at his wayward pebble and raised a hand toward it. Ignoring the frustration and shame that was flowing through him, he tried to reach out through the Force and make it _move_.

Several long minutes of nothing passed, but Ezra was determined. He had to do this. He had to prove that he was capable of doing _something_ right before Kanan got here.

A stab of fear shot through him, and he reluctantly lowered his arm. There was no way he was going to be able to focus properly now.

It had been two days since Master Nu announced that Kanan was coming to Ossus. It had been so sudden and unexpected, it induced a violent storm of emotions that made Ezra’s head spin. It was like stitches were being ripped out of a fresh wound as all of the pain from a year ago came rushing back. When he managed to squeak out a small _why_ , Master Nu had simply replied, “It is prudent to correct some misunderstandings and set you younglings back on to the right path.”

It was a frustrating answer not only because he had no idea what ‘prudent’ meant, but also because it didn’t actually answer his question. Still, he didn’t ask for a clarification. While Master Nu had never punished him before, he was still a little afraid of her and so tried not to ask too many questions.

But this meant that Ezra has spent the last two days feeling completely and utterly lost. After all this time… why would Kanan be coming back?

During the first few weeks a year ago, Ezra resisted all of Master Nu’s attempts to teach him. He didn’t care about being a Jedi. He just wanted to be with Kanan. He stayed locked in his room, holding out hope that maybe this was all just a big mistake. Maybe Kanan would come back, even for just a visit. But then again…

 _Go_ **_away_** _!_ _You’re a liar, and I_ **_hate_ ** _you!_

He hadn’t meant it. He had just been so hurt and scared that the words tumbled out of his mouth without any thought. If he had known that Kanan was going to be leaving _that day,_ he would have rushed out to apologize, to beg him to stay. But that’s not what happened. The last thing he said ( _screamed_ ) to Kanan was that he hated him. So what reason did Kanan have to think he was even welcome back?

The weeks turned into months, and Ezra accepted that Kanan was gone for good. He began to construct a tenuous equilibrium with his new life. He got used to Master Nu’s cold disposition and accepted that C1-P3 would probably never like him. His nightmares haunted him less and less as time went on (although never completely went away). Through Master Nu’s chiding, he had (kind of) learned to keep his emotions in check. And he did everything in his power to let go of all thoughts and memories of Kanan.

That has been his biggest challenge. Despite all of his meditation and conscious efforts to forget the man who had saved him, who had meant everything to him, who had _left him behind_ … he couldn’t get rid of this nagging sensation of Kanan in the back of his mind, like the buzzing _pull_ of the holocron. He knew he needed to let go of Kanan like a Jedi would, but he just… couldn’t.

Then he learned about Force bonds, and it threw him for a loop. He remembered the certainty he had once had in Kanan’s presence, in his words and actions. Could that have been because of a Force bond? At first, he dismissed the idea. Master Nu had said it was really really rare for a bond to form so quickly, and the certainty had always been so fleeting that Ezra was sure that it had just been his imagination.

But the more he asked Master Nu about it, the more convinced he became that this insistent presence in his mind really was the result of a Force bond. But if that was the case, then why had it become so muffled and clouded?

That was when he had the horrible realization that Kanan was purposefully shielding it. Even before they got to Ossus, Kanan had been blocking Ezra out.

He didn’t sleep that night, spending most of it either crying or trying fruitlessly to meditate. He found himself scrambling for an explanation for why Kanan had blocked their bond. It must be the same reason why Kanan decided to leave Ezra behind, right? The usual explanations popped into his head: Kanan hadn’t forgiven him for the incident with holocron. Kanan thought Ezra was too clingy. Kanan didn’t want to waste the money taking care of him anymore. Kanan thought Ezra was a terrible student who couldn’t even learn to meditate right.

And yet, and _yet_ … All of this was at odds with all the _happy_ memories he had with Kanan. He remembered the way Kanan would smile at him, even when Ezra was asking a million questions. He remembered the old stories and legends Kanan would whisper to him as they fell asleep. He remembered Kanan assuring him over and over that he was safe, that he would take care of him. And he remembered feeling the truth of those words through their bond.

So yeah. Ezra was feeling lost.

Even so, he couldn’t help but hold on to a bit of hope. He knew now that what he had felt before hadn’t just been his imagination. At some point, Kanan really had cared about him. Sure, something happened to make Kanan decided to block Ezra out and leave him behind. But the fact that he was coming back now could only be good, right? Ezra just had to figure out what had gone wrong. If he could make it right again, if he could _fix_ it, maybe Kanan would take Ezra with him this time. Maybe… Kanan would take Ezra on as his own padawan.

Ezra knew he shouldn’t keep his expectations too high. In the last couple of days, he had poked at their bond, trying to make some sort of contact with Kanan, but his shields were still up and holding strong. Ezra’s hopes had all but dwindled into the familiar feelings of rejection.

Still, that was no reason to give up. Not yet.

So Ezra focused on the dumb pebble again. He could do this. He just had to try hard enough.

Not even ten minutes later, he felt something prodding at him through the Force. He recognized it as Master Nu trying to find him. The only times she ever lowered her shields was to locate him if he had been gone too long. 

But something was different this time. She wasn’t just giving off the mild frustration that she usually did when she was looking for him. This time it felt urgent, almost like… like she was _afraid_. He prodded back at her as he stood, letting her know that he was coming. He ran down the hallways of the East Wing, back toward their living quarters.

That was when a disturbance in the Force rippled through the Library. The swirls of energy were agitated, insistently tugging and pushing at Ezra as if to say ‘ _Pay attention!’_

Then it hit him: an intense cold, like he had just run into a solid wall of ice. Ezra stopped with a gasp, the cold sinking into his flesh despite the warm air of the Library bushing against his skin. The sheer _wrongness_ of the sensation made his insides squirm. He had never felt anything like this in his entire life.

“Bridger!”

Ezra looked up and saw Master Nu running towards him, her face filled with alarm.

“Thank the Force I found you!” She grabbed his shoulders and pushed him towards the back of the Library. “You need to run. Take the tunnel that leads to the canyon and stay hidden!”

“W-What’s going on?”

“ _Now_ , Ezra!”

The command cut through the cold that surrounded them, stabbing Ezra in the chest and physically pushing him back. The old master’s fear and desperation compelled him to obey without a second thought.

He ran.

The cold got stronger. Before long, it had completely swallowed up Master Nu’s Force signature.

And Ezra kept running.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope it was worth the wait :)


	15. When the Levee Breaks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The cold infects Ossus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not exactly satisfied with how this chapter turned out, but after five days of non-stop editing, I'm throwing in the towel. It's a good as it's going to get. Last chapter of the year!

In the lowest level of the East Wing was a long hallway lined with reliefs of the Great Hyperspace War. At its end was the entrance to the Odan-Urr Tunnel. Ezra had taken this tunnel down to the canyon many times with Master Nu. The Force was particularly concentrated in the canyon, so Master Nu preferred to meditate there.

But this time he was alone.

He stopped at the tunnel's entrance and looked back one last time, half-expecting the old woman to be right behind him. Master Nu was _afraid._  He didn't even know that was possible. She was always so calm and in control, no matter how bad things got. What could have possibly frightened her?

Then he felt it. Something was fast approaching. Something _evil_. The cold leeched into his insides and froze the very air in his lungs. Unable to take it, Ezra yanked the tunnel door open and ran. Master Nu was strong, he told himself. She would be okay.

So he kept going.

This tunnel was not meant to be an escape route. It was long, steep, and poorly lit. More than once, he slipped and fell, tumbling down the steps. And each time, Ezra forced himself to get back up and keeping running, his feet aching as they pounded against the stone ground. 

The cold was never far behind.

He made it to the canyon and ran out just far enough to see the Library over the cliff’s edge. Out here, the cold faded away and the Force of Ossus wrapped around him once more. But even as the Force told him that everything was okay, he knew it wasn’t. Master Nu hadn’t come out yet.

He sat on the ground, keeping one eye on the Library and the other on the tunnel. Once he managed to catch his breath, he closed his eyes and tried to find Master Nu's signature. Usually it was easy. Even if he couldn't sense her emotions, her signature was always a strong and steady pillar among the chaos of the Ossus. He tried to stay calm and find his center, but now all he could sense was the cold. 

Then there was a thunderous _boom._ Ezra’s eyes snapped open just in time to see the Library collapse, an enormous cloud of dust and ash springing up in its place. The ground trembled, and the roar of the crumbling structure echoed through the canyon making his ears ring.

He gaped at the empty space where the great ruin once stood, not quite able to process what had just happened. The Great Jedi Library - which had survived a war, a supernova, and millennia of radiation and sandstorms - was gone. All of the artifacts and the holocrons that Master Nu had preserved, the knowledge they had gone out to collect before the Inquisitors could get to: it was all just… gone.

Ezra let out a strangled choke. _Inquisitors_. Master Nu hadn’t told him much about them, but the way the Force was quivering left little doubt: they were here. His breathing came in gasps as he scrambled backwards. How? How in all of the galaxy did Inquisitors find them here? They were always so careful. P3 always cleared surveillance tapes, they always took at least two extra hyperspace jumps when travelling, they've even pretended to be refugees if it meant blending in. Yet somehow, the Empire still found them.

He pressed his trembling body up against a nearby boulder. Maybe they hadn’t sensed him. Ossus was so strong with the Force, maybe they couldn’t pick out his signature from the chaotic ebbs and flows of the canyon. He hiccuped with tears, terror squeezing his chest like an invisible vice. 

_“Shut up!” Aunt Sarai yelled. “Sniveling like a crippled sewer rat isn’t going to save you!”_

Ezra pressed a hand to his mouth, trying to keep himself silent. He had to be quiet. Drawing attention to himself was bad. He had to stay still and blend into the background if didn't want to be punished.

No. This wasn't just his relatives. This was an  _Inquisitor_ , and Inquisitors were Force-sensitive. If he wanted to stay hidden, he had to hide his Force signature. His mind frantically went over every lesson Master Nu had given him on the subject. They all involved being calm and in control. But right now, every attempt to breathe evenly failed miserably in a cacophony of stuttered gasps.

Suddenly, the high-pitched whine of a tie fighter echoed through the canyon. Ezra snapped his head up, and he saw the small ship in the distance flying up and away from the smoking ruins. Through the Force, he felt the last tendrils of the cold retreating with it.

His terror and panic eased as he watched the fighter disappear. If they were leaving, that meant that they hadn’t sensed his presence, which meant he was safe. 

He glanced around the barren canyon which was rapidly being shrouded in darkness as the second sun set. Turning back towards the tunnel, he reached out through the Force to find Master Nu’s signature. Now that the cold was gone, it should be easy. Especially since she was probably trying to find him as well.

But as the minutes passed, he found nothing. With shaking limbs, he stood and stepped toward the cliff, his arm outstretched. Still nothing. Even if she was completely shielded or unconscious, he should have been able sense _something_.

Maybe he just needed to get closer. He ran back towards the cliff and climbed back up the stairs of the Odan-Urr Tunnel. But not even halfway up, he found that it had completely caved in. And he still couldn’t sense Master Nu.

He shook his head in denial. “M-Master!?” he cried out uselessly, pulling on the rocks in his way. The tunnel rumbled and the rocks began to slide toward him. He jumped back with a panicked yelp, his muscles tensed and prepped to run. The rocks only fell forward about a meter, but that didn’t stop his heart from pounding painfully in his chest.

This wasn’t safe. He had to leave. He had to  _run._  His limbs trembling like jelly, he turned back towards the canyon. Safe. The canyon was safe. Right?

Once he was outside, he glanced back up, a sob bubbling up in his chest at the Library’s absence. He pinched his eyes closed and yanked at his hair to try and relieve the pressure in his overwhelmed mind. This couldn’t be happening. Everything was fine and _normal_ an hour ago. What had just _happened_?

Master Nu was dead. It wasn’t just the lack of signature. Ezra could feel it. No matter how hard he tried to find her presence, all he could find was a cold and dark void. The Force was telling him loud and clear that he was alone.

He fell to his knees as he cried, flashes of this past year cycling through his mind’s eye. Images of her rare smile of approval, of her demonstrations of various lightsaber forms, even of her frown when she scolded him. They each brought up another wave of tears as he realized that he would never see her again.

What was he supposed to do now?

Night had fallen. His only source of light being the stars and the twin moons, Mim and Nerit. The bruises and scrapes that littered his body from his falls in the tunnel were starting to make themselves known. He was breathing slowly through his mouth, his nose stuffed from crying. He stared up at the moons, his eyes scanning their surfaces’ and taking note of every visible feature his naked eyes could see.

A gust of wind blew through the canyon, and Ezra shivered. His robes were warm, but they weren’t enough to completely stave off the early spring chill. Feeling empty and lost, Ezra was forced to acknowledge that he couldn’t just keep sitting here. His knees were sore, his joints hurt, and his throat was dry. He placed a hand over his neck. He was really thirsty.

He knew where to get water. There was a well not too far from the Library that Master Nu had and P3 had constructed years ago when they first settled on Ossus. Any other supplies he might need were buried under a pile of rubble and ash, but the first thing he wanted - the first thing he _needed_ \- was water.

Ignoring the pain in his knees and his back, he started to walk to the end of the canyon. There was a small path that would lead him up the cliff and back towards the Library where the well would be.

His mind was empty as he focused on putting one foot in front of the other. He had his arms crossed across his chest in a meager attempt to keep himself warm, and he only looked up every once and awhile to make sure he was going in the right direction. It was surprisingly easy to think about nothing but the motions of his body. He found one sizeable rock that was easy to kick forward. He kept that up until he kicked it too far and lost it in the darkness.

What was Kanan going to think when he saw the Library?

The thought made Ezra stop in his tracks, his breathing hitching. A sickening mixture of relief and fear rose up in him again. Relief that he wouldn’t have to figure out how to survive all by himself, but fear that Kanan might not be able to find him. Or worse, he might not bother _looking_ for him.

In an act of desperation, Ezra reached through their bond to see if he could get any sense of what Kanan might be feeling. But just like every time before, he found nothing but Kanan’s shield. Even as he pounded against it, silently screaming at it with all of his fear, there was no response.

Ezra’s face twisted at the rejection, but he didn’t cry. His mind emptied itself again as he shook his head. “... stupid.”

The Force suddenly brushed the back of his head in warning. He turned around just as a dark shape slammed into his nose, knocking him out cold.

* * *

Kanan’s insides were a mess of nausea and anxiety, and nothing he did seemed to quell them. Not even alcohol would have helped, although he hadn’t had a drop since they had left for the Adegan System.

 _Are you aware that only_ **_death_ ** _can break a Force bond?_

It was like a bucket of ice water had been dumped onto him. All his plans for Ezra had been based on the assumption that their bond could be broken. Now to know that the boy was permanently stuck with him… It made him nauseous.

The reason he had let Hera listen to his conversation with Master Nu was because he knew he was going to have to explain things either way. Even if she didn’t understand everything at the time, the more she heard, the less he would have to explain later on.

And Hera - bless her - had taken everything in stride. She was not completely ignorant about the ways of the Jedi, but the nitty gritty details of holocrons and Force bonds was a lot for anyone to take in (especially since he ended up unloading a lot of his own insecurities onto her). However, she had not been overwhelmed or cowed by any of this new information. Instead she was more determined than ever to get to Ossus.

“That child needs you,” Hera had said. “And no matter what happens, I’ll be here to help.”

Kanan would have kissed her had he not felt like throwing up.

Kanan spent most of the few days it took to get to Ossus in deep thought. He wasn’t quite meditating, just trying to figure out how in _Bane’s_ name he was going to face Ezra. Their parting had been bitter and painful. Kanan had thought it was going to be a 'good thing' in the long run if it meant breaking the bond. But now that he knew that it wasn't possible, he could only look back with guilt and regret. How was he ever going to get Ezra to forgive him?

He considered lowering his shield but ultimately decided against it. Without any context, Kanan was worried that it would just confuse and frighten Ezra and make things even worse. No, first he needed to see him face-to-face and explain why he blocked his end of the bond, why he left, and why he was coming back. In short, he needed to explain everything

Ezra was going to be angry with him. And he deserved it. But he also knew that they could work past it. With Master Nu’s help and Hera’s support, they would be able to make everything right again.

“We’re entering the Adegan system.”

Kanan sat forward in the copilot’s seat as the _Ghost_ out of hyperspace. He took a deep breath as Ossus came into view. On second thought, the thought of a drink didn't seem like such a bad idea. Unfortunately, Hera kept a dry ship. She even had Chopper check his quarters regularly to make sure he wasn’t squirreling any away (which he did _not_ appreciate).

He sensed more than saw Hera glance his way. “Are you ready for this?”

“No,” he replied tersely.

Hera gave a small chuckle. “I’m sure Ezra is going to be thrilled to see you.”

That was partially what he was afraid of. Thinking back to the holocron incident, Kanan feared that it would take almost nothing for the kid to forgive him which would just be _wrong_ on so many levels. While it would hurt if Ezra was angry or afraid of him, at least that would be a _healthy_ response.

Behind them, Chopper grumbled quietly about having yet another organic being on board.

“Chopper…” Hera warned.

Chopper’s grumbling only got louder as he pointed out how they were already having trouble making ends meet.

If Kanan were honest with himself, he didn't even know if Ezra _was_ going to join them on the _Ghost_. Ezra might decide to stay and train with Master Nu, even after they got this bond of theirs straightened out. Kanan ignored the stab of pain in his chest at the thought. Even though he logically knew that it would be for the best, he couldn’t help but fear the rejection. 

They entered Ossus’ atmosphere, and Kanan gave Hera the coordinates of the Great Jedi Library. Anxiety thrummed through his body, down his limbs and to his fingertips as he mentally prepared to see Ezra for the first time in a year.

It was almost morning on this part of the planet. They were flying from the west towards the coming dawn. The sky was a gradient of dark blue to pale blue that slowly turned into a pale yellow on the horizon.

And it was against that pale yellow that they spotted the columns of smoke.

Kanan frowned. What was going on? Given the distance, it was a _lot_ of smoke. Was there some sort of brush fire? But as they got closer, his stomach sank. He knew where the smoke was coming from.

Hera muttered something in Twi’leki, the shock evident in her voice.

The Library had been razed to the ground.

The _Ghost_ landed next to the destroyed remains of Master Nu’s little starship. Not far was the remains of her droid, C1-P3, nothing but a cracked and charred chassis.  

There was a deafening roar as Kanan stepped up to the edge of the devastation, staring disbelievingly at the once great library. The unsettled dust and ash blew around them wildly with the wind, making the air bitter and stale. He could sense the darkness tainting this once bastion of Jedi knowledge, like a chilled ooze that moved sluggishly through the Force. The only reason he didn’t completely lose it was because he could still feel the bond. Ezra was alive.

But that didn’t mean he was okay.

Hera stepped up beside him, staring over the ruins in horror. “Who could have possibly done this?”

“ _Inquisitors_ ,” Kanan spat. The evil he sensed left little doubt. “The Empire’s dogs. They’ve been doing everything in their power to wipe the Jedi and their legacy out of existence. I thought they would leave Ossus alone because it’s uninhabited but…” His voice cracked. He thought Ezra would be safe here.

Hera placed a hand on his shoulder. “They’re long gone by now,” she reassured. “The _Ghost_ would have detected any other ships when we entered the system.”

Kanan slowly nodded. That was good. They wouldn’t have been able to deal with Inquisitors on top of searching for Ezra and Master Nu. He extended a hand towards the rubble and closed his eyes, trying to sense either of their presences. If they were buried alive, time would be of the essence.

“You don’t…” Hera hesitated. “You don’t think Ezra and Nu are - ”

“Ezra’s alive,” Kanan said, feeling slightly calmer just by saying it. “I would have felt it if he had… you know.”

Eventually, he lowered his arm with a sigh. It was a short-lived relief when he sensed nothing from the ruin. “They’re not here,” he said quietly.

“Then where are they?”

“Ezra’s still on the planet.” Kanan was sure of that much. Whether he knew because of their bond or the Force at large, he didn’t care. He glanced at the wreckage of Master Nu's ship. “They couldn't have gotten off the planet..." he muttered to himself. "So where would she have taken Ezra where they would be safe from Inquisitors?” He cursed the strength of the Force on Ossus. Any signature he might have been able to sense at a distance was obscured by the waves of energy that practically engulfed the planet.

Then he remembered the comlink in his pocket. Digging it out, he hailed Master Nu. After a minute with no response, he started to pace. She just needed to answer and tell them where they were.

Several more minutes of silence passed before Hera spoke. “Can’t you use your bond to find Ezra?”

Kanan froze. “Yes… but I’d have to lower my shield.”

She stared blank faced at him. “Wait: do you mean to tell me you _haven’t_ yet?”

He flinched at the edge of anger in her voice. “I wanted to talk to Ezra first. He’s just a kid, and I didn’t want to overwhelm him.”

Hera pressed two fingers against her temple, scowling in frustration. “Look, I might not be an expert in the Jedi or the Force, but it was a  _Jedi Master_ who told you that blocking this bond was only going to make things worse.”

“I _know_ , but I wanted to wait and do it right! I wanted Master Nu to help and make sure I didn’t kark it up.”

Her gaze flickered between Kanan’s face and the unresponsive comlink. “Kanan…”

There was so much understanding in the softly spoken word, and yet there was no way she could understand his hesitation. It was more than his fear of hurting Ezra. Deep down, he knew it was because he was afraid of the bond itself. Afraid of what opening the bond would mean for him.

But his mind was screaming: Find Ezra. _Now_.

Kriff it all. Kriff his damn fears. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, but he had to make sure Ezra was okay. He pocketed the comlink and dropped to the ground in a meditative pose. It wasn’t going to be easy. After all of this time, his shield had become a reinforced durasteel wall that refused to budge even a micron. It had been by design. Until a couple of days ago, Kanan had never intended to open it. Now, it was his best chance for finding Ezra.

He brushed against the wall, only able to feel the faintest glimmers of Ezra in his mind. He clung to those glimmers, tracing them back to the minuscule defects in his shield and slowly began to pry them open. It was difficult. The barrier actively pushed him back, resisting his efforts to massage open the cracks. He wanted to reach in and tear them apart, but that would have been extremely painful for the both of them. He had to do this right.

A headache was beginning to form from all of the pressure he was putting on his shield. The pain almost too much before the cracks finally gave in to his efforts. They bent open and Ezra’s side of the bond to flowed through like a waterfall, the rest of the wall crumbling into nothingness under the deluge. Fear and pain that weren’t his own hit him like a punch to the gut, knocking him out of his meditative state with a strangled gasp.

“Kanan!”

A slender arm wrapped around his back, keeping him steady. His breathing was labored, his skin hot and covered in a layer of sweat. The wave of emotions threatened to bowl him over, but then Kanan could feel it: an undercurrent of hope.

Kanan opened his eyes, startled to see that both suns were above the horizon. At least an hour had passed since he started meditating. Looking up at Hera, he met her worried gaze with his own.

“I know where Ezra is.”


	16. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan saves Ezra from a mysterious village.

Hate. Fear. Grief.

These were the first things Ezra noticed as he slowly floated back to consciousness. Then there was the dull pain that radiated from the center of his face. He let out an unintentional groan, but then he cringed at the dryness of his throat and mouth. It was an action he immediately regretted, the small twinge causing a pulse of sharp pain to shoot through his nose.

“An onn geuk tvar?”

Ezra’s eyes opened to the sight of a middle aged man kneeling in front of him with eyes filled with suspicion. His clothing was faded and old, his incomplete set of armor looking equally worn. The man snarled, revealing yellow and rotting teeth, several of which were missing. “Onn tevy an!?”

With a startled gasp, Ezra tried to jerk away only to realize he couldn’t. His back was already pressed against a thick post, his wrists tied behind him with rough rope. His breathing quickened as he looked down and saw his legs were also tied together at the knees and ankles.

“Onn tevy an!?” the man repeated, anger lacing his voice.

A small whine climbed out from the back of his throat as Ezra instinctively tugged against his restraints. “I-I d-d-don’ u-un… underst-t-t…”

The man backhanded him, eliciting a sharp cry and making his ears ring. The pain in his nose swelled and was joined by the stinging pain on his cheek. “Pak ysan!”

His breathing became ragged with fear as he turned back to look at the man. He wasn’t alone. There was a grey haired woman standing behind him, also dressed in similarly worn out armor. She had a hand resting on what looked like a blaster which was hanging at her side. They were all in a small hut that seemed to be made of stone, its doorway and windows covered in loose cloth.

Ezra swallowed down the pain as he focused on the Force. He remembered Master Nu saying once that the Force could be use to comprehend the speech of any willing being, no matter the language. She never taught him how, but maybe if he just tried hard enough…

But through the Force, all Ezra could feel was the sour hate and anger of his captors.

His lack of verbal response was making the man angrier. “Itho lyyptun!” He raised his hand to hit Ezra again.

“Maka!” The woman grabbed the man’s raised arm. “Len oora baroka ysaln.”

Ezra tried to catch his breath as he watched the exchange. He couldn’t feel too relieved, as the woman was also shooting him a hateful glare. But through her disgust, he could also sense a deep sadness that colored the dark emotions. It compounded with his own grief, making it that much harder to keep himself from falling apart. He bit his lip and could taste blood. He was sure he would drown in the hate that ladened every inch of the hut.

The woman knelt down next to the man and pointed towards the doorway. “Onn ak vah Remodi?” Her speech was much more measured and calm than the man’s, but she still didn’t hide the spite in her voice.

It was getting harder to breathe. Ezra’s lungs felt like they were being crushed under his growing terror. He frantically shook his head, ignoring how much the action hurt. “I-I don’ understand…” he managed to wheeze.

She regarded him carefully for a moment before turning to the man. “As pak i Okka udruun.”

Then without another word, they both stood and left, taking their hate and grief along with them. The air around Ezra seemed to clear, and he took a gasping breath as he tried to replenish the oxygen in his lungs. The desperate breathing quickly dissolved into bitter sobbing. Every nerve in his mind and body felt raw and exposed. He didn’t even have the wherewithal to be confused by what was going on.

He was helpless. Alone. Abandoned. Tied and beaten by people who hated him for reasons he didn’t understand.

Nothing had changed.

He kicked his legs out with a grunt of frustration, kicking up a cloud of dust as his heels dug through the dry dirt. What was _wrong_ with him?! First, he had never been good enough for his relatives, a failure in every way and a dirty Force wielder on top of it. Then there was Kanan, who had cared for Ezra at _some_ point, but then decided that he just wasn’t worth the trouble. And now Ezra had abandoned Master Nu and all of her hard work to be killed and destroyed by Inquisitors.

_You deserve this._

Ezra kicked the dirt again, choking on his sobs as he fell into his self-hatred. He was right back where he belonged.

Eventually his anger faded away, leaving him exhausted and empty. His body ached in a million different ways, but all he could do was sit listlessly against the wooden pole. Then he felt something brush against his mind. He pushed it away, unable to handle yet _one more thing_ clawing at him for attention and threatening to rip him to pieces. But it was persistent, a warm presence that refused to go away. Ezra opened his eyes and frowned in confusion. It was a pulsing thrum that gently but insistently pushed against him.

It felt strangely familiar, but Ezra was too tired to quite place it.

As he silently contemplated this new development, his captors returned. Ezra’s breathing hitched as their anger and grief once again filled the makeshift prison, threatening to suffocate him.

“Effvin osanga onn,” the woman commanded.

Terror gripping him, Ezra squeezed his eyes shut as the man walked toward him. He couldn’t do this. He wanted to be strong, wanted to be brave, but he just _couldn’t_. He just wanted to be anywhere but here. He wanted all of this to just be a horrible dream.

Something in his mind suddenly cracked open. It was both painful and relieving, like yanking out a large splinter. Ezra gasped as a flood of fear, doubt, and guilt hit him, muddling together with his own emotions. He almost panicked at the intrusion, but then the waters calmed and it was crystal clear.

Ezra’s eyes snapped open. “K-Kanan?”

The man had been untying Ezra’s wrists, but he froze at the sudden utterance. Then he snarled as he yanked Ezra’s arms away from the pole and re-tied them tightly in front of him. “Velm paia…” he muttered.

Ezra’s shoulders groaned in protest as the man yanked him to his feet and then flung him over his shoulder. Ezra’s heart was pounding. He had no idea what these two were going to do with him, but his fear was abated by the reassuring, if tumultuous, presence of Kanan. Kanan was close, and he was coming for him.

Ezra tried to keep his breathing even. He was going to be okay. He just needed to endure until Kanan got here. He could do that.

He was suddenly lurched back and dropped onto the ground, his tailbone bearing the brunt of the fall and making him yelp in pain.

Then he noticed the half-dozen pairs of eyes staring at him. All of them filled with a mixture of anger, confusion, and sadness.

Swallowing down the lump in his throat, he resisted the urge to scramble back away from these people’s oppressive emotions. He had no doubt that any attempt to escape would only end badly for him.

 _Please_ … he silently prayed. _Kanan, please hurry._

* * *

The Ossi Force obscured and scattered even the strongest of Force signatures. It was the main reason Kanan hadn’t immediately sensed Master Nu when he and Ezra arrived here a year ago. The notion of finding a single person through the Force here was daunting, if not completely laughable.

But that was the thing about Force bonds: They didn’t bend to the will of the environment. It was a stable pipeline between two people that was hardly affected by even distances. Two people could be on opposite ends of the galaxy, but if they shared a bond, they would still be able to find one another.

Having blocked their bond for so long, Kanan could only sense a thin thread of the Force linking him and Ezra together. But it was there, and it was as strong as saava silk.

Near the Library ruins was a long winding path that lead to the bottom of the canyon below. Kanan was running down it, Hera not far behind. Once the initial flood of emotions had calmed, Kanan could sense the urgency over their bond. Ezra was in trouble. He didn’t know what the nature of that trouble was (if he had a life-threatening injury, if he was stuck somewhere, if he was being attacked…). All he knew was that he needed to find Ezra _now_.

They reached the bottom and Kanan paused, catching his breath and concentrating on Ezra’s presence to make sure he knew where he was going. The thread was tugging him toward the other side of the canyon toward a thin crevice that cut through the other cliff.

Hera was breathing heavily next to him. “Tell me again why we couldn’t take the _Phantom_?”

“Mostly because I don’t know exactly where I’m going.” He pointed to the crevice. “Besides, the _Phantom_ wouldn’t be able to fit in there.”

Hera followed his finger with narrowed eyes. “That’s where the bond is telling you to go?”

Kanan just gave a short nod before continuing to run across the canyon floor. He kept checking the bond every few paces, poking it to assure Ezra and himself that they were there and aware of each other. It wasn’t developed enough to send complete thoughts or images, but it was enough that they could feel each other’s emotions. Ezra was poking back, an edge of panic to it. Kanan’s chest tightened as all sorts of images of Ezra injured and in danger flashed across his mind’s eye, and it was _all his fault_ …

They reached the jagged crevice and paused at its edge. It was widest at the bottom - about three meters in width - narrowing up the cliff until it closed about halfway up. The path ahead was completely dark.

Hera pulled out a flashlight and pointed it into the crevice. There didn’t appear to be anything of note except for the fact that the light didn’t travel very far before being swallowed up by the darkness. “Are you sure Ezra is in here?”

“Yes,” Kanan replied. The Force was being very clear on this matter. It made sense. If it really had been Inquisitors that had attacked the Library, then this would have been the perfect place to hide. It was deep and dark, and the Force was so strong in this canyon that it would have easily obscured anybody’s Force signature.

But it didn’t explain why they hadn’t come back out yet. Or the urgency he still sensed coming from Ezra. He tried to reach out and sense Master Nu as well, but he found nothing. He tried not to let it discourage him. Even Hera’s signature was blurred out, and she was standing right next to him. “We should get moving,” he said.

Hera made a small noise of agreement before walking in first, scanning their path with the flashlight.

Despite his restlessness, Kanan knew they needed to exercise caution as they proceeded deeper underground. He had a flashlight too, but even then, they weren’t able to see more than a couple meters ahead. Not to mention it very quickly turned into a system of caves that required Kanan to carefully focus on his bond with Ezra at every fork. The last thing they wanted was to get lost down here.

They spent half an hour navigating the tunnels before they began to hear a faint rumbling. As they kept going, it got louder and the rumble became the indistinct chatter of various people talking.

 _People?_ Kanan reached forward through the Force again, and this time, he could just barely make out the presence of several other beings.

“I thought you said Ossus was uninhabited,” Hera whispered.

“It is. It was.” This was probably an important detail worth pondering, but all Kanan could focus on was that Ezra’s signature was there among these strangers. They were the ones causing Ezra’s fear and panic. They were the ones _hurting_ Ezra. Kanan reached for his blaster, his hand trembling in anger. He didn’t care who these people were or why they were here; he wasn't going to let them get away with this.

Something gripped his shoulder, and Kanan looked back to see Hera right next to him. When her eyes widened slightly, he realized he literally had his teeth bared in fury. He consciously pulled his lips closed. “I’m going to kill them.”

“We can’t just go in blasters blazing,” Hera said, keeping her voice steady but stern. “You might end up getting Ezra killed. We need to stake out what’s ahead and make a plan.”

She was right, of course. As much as the more primal part of him wanted to rush in and shoot every last being that was making Ezra suffer, the last thing he wanted was to put Ezra in any more danger than he was already in.

As they got closer, light began to leak into the cave and they turned their flashlights off. At this point, the chattering was more distinct, but it was a tongue Kanan wasn’t familiar with. Looking back at Hera, it was obvious she didn’t recognize it either.

They came to a sharp turn that Kanan glanced around to see that the cave opened up to an enormous cavern. There was what appeared to be a small village, with huts made out of mud and stone. On the far side of the cavern was the edge of an underground lake that stretched out beyond what Kanan could see. The light was coming from an opening at the top of the cavern that revealed a small portion of the Ossi sky.

With only two large boulders between them and the village, there wasn't much that could be used for cover. Beyond these boulders stood several beings that all appeared to be human. Their clothing was a mismatch of armor and scraps of cloth, all of it very old and worn. Kanan couldn’t see much else from this vantage point, but he was pretty certain he caught glimpse of an equally old looking blaster slung over one of the men’s shoulders. Children clung to their parents as they all clamored to speak, their gesticulations and tone suggesting that a heated argument was going on.

Kanan took a deep breath, forcing himself to remain in the moment. Ezra was here. The proximity had only intensified the mixture of fear and hope he could sense from him. It was so strong that Kanan could practically taste it. One last time, he closed his eyes and focused on their bond. Where precisely was this thread coming from?

“Kanan?” Hera whispered. “Is he there?”

Opening his eyes, they immediately zeroed in on the far edge of the village. “He’s in one of the huts on the far side.”

“And Master Nu?”

Kanan closed his eyes again, this time searching all of the other signatures in the area. There was another person near the hut Ezra was in, but it didn’t feel like Master Nu. Searching the entire cavern, he wasn’t sensing her signature at all. “She’s not here,” he breathed. A cold lump was starting to form in Kanan’s stomach. If she wasn’t here with Ezra…

He shook his head. First thing he needed to do was get Ezra out of here and make sure he was safe. Then they would find Master Nu.

Hera knelt down next to him, also taking in the layout of the cavern. “I wonder what they’re arguing about…”

It probably had something to do with Ezra. “I don’t know, but the whole village is involved. There’s only one person who’s _not_ there, and they’re guarding Ezra.” That _better_ be all that they were doing.

As much as he wanted to run in and start shooting, these people were a unknown variable. They didn’t speak their language, and they had no idea what was motivating them. He couldn’t risk the guard simply killing Ezra at the first sign of trouble. They were going to have to take the guard out and grab Ezra without alerting the other villagers. But even then, it would only be a matter of time before they realized what had happened and came after the them. And the villagers had home field advantage. In a fair fight, he and Hera could probably take most of them but not when they had a child in tow to protect.

They needed another means of escape.

Kanan pointed to the opening at the top of the cavern. “Think the _Phantom_ can fit?”

Hera had a small frown as she gauged the opening with a critical eye. “It’ll be tight, but it should.”

“Okay, we need to move fast…”

Once Hera signalled Chopper the plan, they carefully ran out to seek cover behind the nearby boulders. Kanan glanced over at the villagers who were still completely engrossed in their debate. He could feel their anger and their… grief…? Maybe the Inquisitor had killed one of their own and they were blaming Ezra for it? For now, Kanan was just grateful that they were too distracted to notice him and Hera dashing from cover to cover as they crossed the village.

As he expected, there was only one person near the hut that Ezra was in. It was a middle aged man with a sour look on his face, the harsh expression made only harsher by his dark and ragged skin. He was staring in the direction of the other villagers, clearly not happy to be left out. 

Hera, lighter on her feet, dashed forward and circled around the back of the hut. Staying in the guard’s blind spot, Kanan snuck up and slapped one hand over his mouth while pulling back the man’s weapon arm with his other. Hera came out from the other side and whacked him upside the head with her blaster. The guard’s body went limp and Kanan placed him down on the ground.

“Go,” Hera hissed, keeping her blaster at the ready.

Kanan gave a quick nod before all but bursting through the cloth covered door. His eyes found Ezra, and he immediately froze in his tracks. 

Ezra was on the ground, his back leaning against a thick wooden pole and his arms tied behind him. His hair was limp and matted with sweat and dirt, strands of it sticking to the sides of his face. Dark bruises and a mass of dried blood on his face and robes had Kanan curling his lip in a snarl. He was going to tear these people apart. Danger be damned, he was going to bash in every one of those bastards’ faces before pressing his blaster to their heads and -

Ezra looked up and gave a hesitant smile. “Y-You came…” he croaked.

It broke Kanan from his dark thoughts and spurred him into motion again. He fell to his knees beside Ezra and began to untie the rope around his wrists. He projected as much reassurance and love as he could through their bond while trying to keep his unbridled rage at bay. He could feel Ezra fumbling over him through the bond, his previous panic and fear transforming into relief and just the slightest amount of doubt. He didn’t quite believe that Kanan was here. That this was real.

“It’s real,” Kanan muttered, his voice strained. “I promise I’m real…” He finished untying the rope and looked down to see Ezra staring at him with wide eyes filled with cautious hope. He knew they needed to get moving, but he allowed himself a moment to lean down and press his forehead against Ezra’s. “I’m right here.”

Ezra’s face scrunched as if he wanted to cry, but instead he flung himself forward and wrapped his arms around Kanan’s neck. Kanan automatically pulled the small trembling body in close, both of them sagging into the embrace in sheer relief. “I’m so sorry,” he muttered into the boy’s hair. “I’m so karking sorry, Ezra…”

Kanan could sense the hesitation that was still there. Ezra wasn’t clinging to his mind like he had when they had first met, but he had an iron grip on the bond between them, terrified that if he let go that Kanan would just disappear.

But more reassurances would have to wait. The _Phantom’s_ engines were echoing through the cavern, signalling their escape.

“ _Kanan!_ ”

Ezra flinched at the harsh whisper, his grip tightening spasmodically. Kanan took a deep breath in an attempt to keep both himself and Ezra calm. He wrapped an arm behind Ezra’s back and the other under his knees before standing. “I’ve got you.”

Carrying him out of this prison, Kanan found Hera still standing guard with her eyes on the _Phantom._ The shuttle was hovering at the edge of the village over the water. The locals were regarding it with a mixture of fear and anger, shooting at it with their weapons. But instead of bolts of plasma, there was just the sound of sharp pings as something made contact with the ship’s haul. Were those slugthrowers?

Hera turned to them, sparing only a fraction of a second to regard Ezra with a mixture of surprise and sympathy. Then her expression hardened in determination. “Let’s go.”

Making sure Ezra was tightly secured in his arms, Kanan gave a sharp nod before running towards the ship. The boy’s breathing was a low ragged whine against his neck. _It’s okay, I’ve got you._

Chopper apparently had had enough of the primitives’ angry shouts and slug throwing, because he had started to shoot the _Phantom’s_ cannons at them. Surprisingly, the villagers all managed to jump away from the blasts just in time to keep from serious injury. It was in this chaos that a couple of them spotted Kanan and Hera. With a few shouts, they all re-focused their aim at the two of them.

Hera began firing back, and Kanan let the Force guide him through the volley. There was a clear path to the _Phantom_ , but they had to be quick if they wanted to reach the edge of the water before being cut off.

Once he got close enough, he leapt up with a Force-powered jump and landed just inside the _Phantom_. He turned around and saw Hera still shooting her blaster at the villagers, covering their escape. When she glanced back and saw Kanan standing safely in the ship, she turned and broke out in a full run towards the _Phantom_.

“Maka!” one man yelled, raising his slugthrower.

On reflex, Kanan let go of Ezra’s legs thrust an arm out, shoving the villager back before he could shoot.

With a moment’s reprieve, Hera managed to reach the edge of the lake and jump on to the _Phantom_. The door closed behind her and Chopper flew them out of there. They collapsed to the floor, their heavy breathing filling the shuttle. Kanan cradled Ezra close to his chest, allowing himself to relax just slightly. Even if the waves of emotion coming from Ezra were threatening to bowl him over.

Ezra was in pain. He was scared. He was relieved. And by all the gods, he was confused. But he was _safe_.

And right now, that was all Kanan cared about.


	17. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The immediate aftermath of Ezra's rescue.

“Kanan?”

Hera was gazing at the boy in his arms, her eyes filled with concern, but Kanan’s focus narrowed in on the rapidly growing blood stain in her flight suit. “Hera…!”

“Is he okay?”

That question had a complicated answer that he didn’t have the wherewithal to convey. “Your arm…!”

Hera was sitting on one of the _Phantom’s_ seats as she glanced dispassionately at her left bicep. “Yeah, one of their slugs got me. It’s just a graze.”

The blood was spreading much too fast. “ _That_ is not just a graze.”

She shrugged dismissively with some mild annoyance. “I’ll be fine. It didn’t hit anything vital. We’ll deal with it when we get to the _Ghost_." She returned her attention to Ezra, which made Kanan do the same. Now that they were out of immediate danger, he was suddenly much more aware of the dried blood and the pain he could feel radiating over their bond. “Ezra?” he asked.

Ezra hardly seemed to register the silent question as he looked up at him. “Y-You’re ‘ere…” he croaked before his eyes rolled back and he fell unconscious.

“Ezra?!” Kanan’s eyes widened in alarm as he gve him a quick shake. Was he seriously injured? Had the natives drugged him?

“Kanan, calm down,” Hera said with her soothing voice.

But he was in no mood to be soothed. “Calm down?" Kanan echoed. “You’re bleeding from a slug wound, Ezra is unconscious, we still have no idea where Master Nu is, and you want me to _calm down_?!”

“ _Yes_. Because you’re not going to be any help to this boy if you’re panicking!”

She was right. He knew she was right. But as the adrenaline of the rescue died down, his ability to think rationally suddenly abandoned him (like he had abandoned Ezra). Carefully placing Ezra on the floor, Kanan ran his hands methodically over his body, searching for injuries. Thankfully, the worst seemed to just be the broken nose, the dried blood having blocked Ezra's nostrils and forcing him to breath through his mouth. His body was also cold to the touch, fine tremors shaking it even in unconsciousness. That still didn't mean there weren't any drugs in his system. Kanan reached through their bond and tried to assess him with the Force. Force healing had never been a specialty of his, but he knew enough to be able to tell if Ezra was in any true danger. At least, he hoped he did.

Ezra was definitely still there, his mind empty of even dreams. The blankness of his mind and the slackness of his body told of utter exhaustion, not of collapse due to serious bodily harm or poison. 

Kanan’s breathing slowed and he relaxed slightly. Ezra wasn’t in any immediate danger. Kanan pulled him back into his lap and held him close, rubbing his arms in an attempt to warm them up.

From the front of the shuttle, Chopper informed them that they were just about to dock with the _Ghost_. Along with a few other thoughts.

“Chopper!” Hera barked. “You’re not helping.”

Chopper wasn't cowed. Hera had been injured and he was not happy about it.

Kanan sighed. “He’s got a point.” The shuttle jolted as the _Ghost_ clamped onto it. He looked pointedly at Hera’s shoulder. “We’re dealing with that first.”

Hera gave a slight frown. “Chopper can help me. Believe it or not, this is not my first time being shot.”

Kanan eyed her more critically. He noted the pallor of her skin, the way she was starting to list to the right, and the taut lines of pain along her face. Not to mention the now massive blood stain in her flight suit. “This is different than a blaster wound."

She blinked several times, her breathing very deliberate. “ _You_ need to focus on Ezra. That boy needs you more than I do right now.” Chopper rolled up to them, telling Kanan to just leave. Hera placed a hand on his chassis and used the leverage to hoist herself up. “A little bacta and some stitches, and I’ll be fine.”

“You need to get the slug out first, and Chopper’s not going to be able to help you with that.” The hatch to the _Ghost_ opened, and Kanan jumped down, ignoring Chopper’s indignant blating. “Or with getting you out of the _Phantom._ ” He placed Ezra on the couch by the holotable before grabbing the emergency blanket out of the cabinet to wrap it around him. Kanan smoothed a hand over the boy’s dirty hair. He’s not in danger, Kanan reminded himself. As much he wanted to pour all his attention into cleaning Ezra up and treating his injuries, Hera’s wound was more dangerous and demanded priority. Taking a deep breath to keep himself calm, he turned back to the _Phantom._

Hera very visibly rolled her eyes before turning around and climbing down with her good arm. Once her feet were on solid ground, she leaned heavily against the holotable and shot Kanan a softened glare. “Again, love: not my first time getting shot.”

“Doesn’t mean you couldn’t use some help.” Kanan retrieved the medkit and grabbed the hypospray, loading it with a local anesthetic. “I’m getting this slug out of you.” His tone left no room for disagreement.

Hera gave a huff, but didn’t argue.

The flight suit was basically a lost cause at this point, so Kanan cut off the sleeve before injecting the anesthetic a couple inches above the injury. It took effect after a few minutes, but even then, digging out the slug was a painful process. Kanan worried that Hera was going to bite straight through her lip. Thankfully, it didn't take long for him to get a good grip on the little bastard and yank it out. Hera’s body sagged in relief as she pressed a bacta patch to the wound. “Alright, I’ve got the rest of this. Go take care of Ezra.”

Convinced that she really was going to be okay, he turned his attention back to the couch. Ezra was a mess: his robes dirty and torn, dried blood mixed with dirt and sweat on his face, dark bruises littering him…

Kanan swallowed down the lump in his throat. It was like when he had first found Ezra, except this time it was all his fault. He never should have left Ezra behind. He should have come back sooner. He should have…

He closed his eyes and forced his thoughts to stop. He couldn’t let his guilt take over and keeping him from doing what needed to be done. Taking a deep breath, he focused on the here and now. First thing was first: clean the blood off of Ezra’s face and fix his nose. He grabbed a cloth and a bowl with water before kneeling on the ground and gently began wiping Ezra’s face down.

By the time he had cleaned off most of the blood, Ezra had begun to stir. His brow furrowed slightly as his head sluggishly tilted to the side. His eyes were still closed as he let out a dry cough and winced.

Kanan placed a hand on Ezra’s forehead and brushed his hair back. “Hey kiddo.”

Ezra’s eyes fluttered open, blurrily searching the general area Kanan’s voice had come from. “K…?” Ezra winced, raising a hand to his throat.

Kanan almost smacked himself on the head. Water. The kid obviously needed water. “One sec.” He was about to run to the sink when Hera appeared beside him, holding out a glass of water. Her wound was stitched and bandaged, the affected arm now resting in a sling. She hadn’t been kidding when she said she could handle it.

He smiled his thanks as he grabbed the glass and turned back to Ezra, pulling him up into a sitting position before pressing the glass against his lips.

Ezra’s eyes opened fully as he reached up and grabbed the glass from him, downing the water in large gulps. When he lowered the empty glass with a large sigh, he looked up and his body stiffened upon seeing Kanan.

Kanan could sense his doubt and confusion, but there wasn't any fear. He took it as a good sign. “Hey kiddo,” he said again.

Ezra blinked several times as he stared at him. Slowly, he pulled away from Kanan and pressed his back against the couch. Although he wasn’t cold to the touch anymore, Ezra still pulled the blanket up to his chest. Over their bond, he hesitantly prodded at Kanan, as if making sure it was really there.

Kanan gave a small smile. “I’m here," he assured, projecting the thought over their bond as well. It had its desired effect, the boy’s doubt fading away and quickly replaced with overwhelming relief. He smiled back, his body visibly relaxing.

There was so much that needed to be said - needed to be explained - and Kanan had no idea where to even begin. So, he focused on what he knew he _could_ do. “Hera’s got a little bone-knitter. I can fix your nose.”

Ezra frowned slightly. Then his gaze drifted until it landed on Hera. Kanan felt his fear spike as his breathing quickened and he scrambled away from her.

“Hey hey hey!” Kanan placed his hands on Ezra’s shoulders. “It’s okay! Hera’s a friend, I promise!” For a moment it seemed absurd that he had to speak on _Hera’s_ behalf, a woman who was exceedingly kind if a bit fiery at times. Then he remembered how timid Ezra had been around other strangers before. He had hoped that Ezra might have become less skittish over the past year, but that didn't seem to be the case.

Ezra calmed minutely at Kanan’s reassurance, but Kanan could still feel the slight tremor of fear in his shoulders.

“I should change my clothes and move the _Ghost_. Chopper, come with me.” Hera kept her voice light except for the slight edge when she addressed the droid.

For once, Chopper seemed capable of reading the situation and followed her to the cockpit with only the barest of complaints.

Now that they were alone, it was easy for Kanan to devote his attention to Ezra. Who might be calmer now, but was still exuding confusion. Kanan sighed. “The bone-knitter…”

Kanan retrieved the device from the medkit and sat down on the couch before turning it on. He half-expected Ezra to press against his side, as he had countless times before. He was disappointed but not surprised when Ezra remained sitting stiffly next to him.

It was obvious when the bone-knitter had done its job. Some of the tension had left Ezra's face and shoulders relaxed as the pain was alleviated. Kanan turned it off and set it to the side, now at a loss as to what to do. Ezra appeared to have no other injuries beyond some bad bruises (and Kanan was still bitter that he hadn't been able to give those savages a taste of their own medicine). Unfortunately, there wasn’t much he could do about bruises except wait for them to heal naturally. Which mean there was nothing left to do now except... well,  _talk_ _._

The bond gave Kanan the highlights of Ezra’s emotional state, but it did nothing to help him figure out how to address the million things he needed to address. The relief rolling off of Ezra in waves was strong, but there was still a bitter undercurrent of doubt and fear that made Kanan’s heart ache. And on top of all of this, he was fretting about what his _own_ emotional state was doing to Ezra. He was half tempted to erect another shield to separate them but thought better of it. It would be all too easy for Ezra to interpret it the wrong way.

And maybe that was a good place to start. “I blocked the bond because I thought you'd be better off without it.”

Ezra flinched, surprised by Kanan’s break of the silence. He gave Kanan a sideways glance, but looked back down at his hands when Kanan made eye contact.

Kanan took a deep breath, centering himself. “I just wanted you to have the very best teacher. I never even completed my own Jedi training, so...” He paused, trying to gauge Ezra’s reaction. So far, there was none. He had no idea if that was a good or bad sign. “I thought if I shielded myself from the bond… it would go away and you could form a bond with someone more qualified. Namely, Master Nu.”

It wasn’t until he said her name that he remembered that he still had no idea what had happened to her. However, the wave of grief and guilt that emanated from Ezra all but confirmed Kanan's earlier fear. “Ezra… She’s gone, isn’t she?”

Ezra’s body began to tremble again. “I-I ran. I…” He hiccuped, curling into himself. “She t-told me to _run_.”

Kanan grimaced as an old memory came to him unbidden.

_“_ _You must run! Go! I’ll be right behind you!”_

"I-It was cold... and I was..." Ezra stopped, tangling his fingers together and rocking minutely as his guilt swelled.

The cold. The sticky dark that hung around the Library rubble. There was little doubt in Kanan's mind now: Inquisitors had done this. “It's not your fault," Kanan said, reaching through their bond and wrapping Ezra’s guilt with his own conviction to ease the darkness away. "You did the right thing. There's nothing you could have done that would have stopped them. You’re _alive,_ Ezra. And I can’t tell you how much that - ” His voice broke and he paused. The mere thought of the alternative curdling the contents of his stomach. “Master Nu wanted… she wanted me to take you in as my padawan.”

Ezra’s head snapped up as a huge wave of hope emanated from him. That was when Kanan knew that Ezra _wanted_ this. Trepidation rose dangerously high, though he wasn’t sure if it was his or Ezra’s. “Master Nu was probably one of the wisest Jedi of the Order. She knew what was going to happen.” He wrapped a tentative arm around Ezra’s shoulders. “She wanted you to survive, and I will _always_ be grateful for that.” Grateful that she kept Kanan from having to experience the shattering of yet another Force bond.

The guilt shedding off of Ezra was still bitter and strong. Kanan knew there was little he could say to alleviate it. Master Nu had raised and nurtured Ezra for a year. Much longer than even his time as Master Billaba's padawan. Ezra might have not formed a traditional Force bond with Master Nu, but it was still a loss that he would have to work through.

And Kanan would be there every step of the way. “I’m here,” he said. “And I promise, I’m never leaving you ever again.”

* * *

The opening of their bond had been the most euphoric experience in Ezra’s short and young life. But that didn’t mean that interacting with Kanan face-to-face was easy.

Ezra sat  curled up on the couch with his arms crossed tightly across his chest. He was physically and emotionally spent. Sleep pulled heavily on his eyelids, but he refused to let them close. Even the thought of it caused his anxiety to flare. Instead, he focused on Kanan who was currently cleaning up the area and putting things back into the medkit. He focused on the fact that Kanan was _here_.

Kanan was… different. Even just visually. The way he held himself, the general expression of his face, he seemed almost _bigger_ , for lack of a better word. If Ezra hadn't been able to sense him over their bond, he might have thought he looked happier.

But their bond was wide open, and Ezra sensed that it was more complicated than that. Kanan was happy, yes. But also guilty, a little afraid, and _uncertain._ When Ezra first met Kanan, he had seemed so confident. He always knew what to do and what to say, and over their bond, Ezra had sensed nothing but the sincerity in his words. Now, this mush of emotions was a dose of reality. Kanan wasn’t as sure of himself as Ezra had originally thought, and he wasn’t sure what to make of that. He wasn’t sure what to make of _any_ of this.

Kanan put the medkit away and sat back down next to Ezra, placing a hand on his back. In the past, that would have been all the invitation Ezra needed to launch himself into Kanan’s arms and the protective envelope they created. But now, he hesitated. He could sense some of Kanan’s emotions, but he couldn’t hear his thoughts. For all he knew, Kanan was uncertain of his decision to save Ezra. Had he been worth the effort? Should he have come back at all? Ezra had no idea what was driving Kanan. Even if Kanan said he was never leaving again, that didn’t mean that he couldn’t change his mind. And Ezra still didn’t understand why Kanan had left in the first place.

So for now, he was going to play it safe and keep to himself.

“Are you hungry?” Kanan asked.

Ezra shook his head. Eating was the last thing he wanted to do right now. He half-expected Kanan to shove a ration bar into his hand anyway, but instead Kanan asked, “Do you want more water?”

His throat was sore and scratchy, so Ezra gave a small nod.

When Kanan handed him a glass of water, Ezra gratefully downed it in a few large gulps. He heard Kanan chuckle. “Okay…” he took the now empty glass and got back up. “You’re obviously dehydrated. This time, take smaller sips. You don’t want to throw it all back up.”

Ezra followed his instructions, taking only small sips as they sat in otherwise silence. Kanan was leaning forward, his hands folded together between his knees. His brow was furrowed slightly, and Ezra could sense the low rumble of his uncertainty.

“You’ll like Hera,” he suddenly said, still staring at the space in front of him. “If you like me, it’s hard to imagine you’d find anything objectionable about Hera.”

Ezra’s chest tightened. He had forgotten that they weren’t alone on this ship. He tried to keep his breathing even at the thought. ‘Hera’ obviously referred to the green Twi’lek. What was Kanan doing with her? Why did he bring her to Ossus? Was she Force-sensitive like they were? But she looked about Kanan’s age... Does that mean she had been a padawan like Kanan had been during the Clone War?

Concern flowed over the bond, and Ezra looked up as Kanan placed a hand on his shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

What was wrong? Everything. Everything was just  _wrong._ Master Nu was dead. The Library and everything in it was gone. He was on an unfamiliar ship with a Twi’leki stranger, sitting next to a man whose motivations he still didn’t understand.

But Kanan _was_ here, his presence warm and comforting. And he had lowered the shield that had blocked their bond. That was a good thing. Right? But then again, Kanan was only here because Master Nu asked him to take Ezra in as a padawan. Does that mean he wouldn’t have come back if she had not? Would he have ever opened their bond? Or was he just doing all of this because Master Nu had told him to? Ezra didn’t sense any resentment or annoyance, but…

 _“You’re a liar! I_ **_hate_ ** _you!_ ”

“I don’t hate you,” Ezra mumbled, his gaze fixed on the half-empty glass in his hands.

“... What?”

Even without their bond, Ezra could hear his confusion. “I-I didn’t mean it. Any of it.” He took a deep stuttering breath and forced himself to keep talking, even as his vision began to blur and his chest tightened to the point of pain. “P-Please believe me, I didn’t want you to go away. And I don’t hate you, I promise! Please please _please_ believe me…”

“Ezra…”

A warm hand pressed against his cheek, and Ezra flinched back from it. He felt a twinge of regret when he saw the hurt in Kanan’s face. “‘M sorry,” he muttered past the hard lump in his throat.

Kanan rubbed his hands over his face with a sigh. “Don’t apologize, Ezra,” he said tiredly.

It was so much like before. How many times had Kanan told Ezra to stop apologizing? How many times did Ezra apologize anyway? But back then things had felt much more stable. Now he felt like they were walking on ground that was cracking and splintering, and the wrong word could make it crumble beneath them. Ezra hesitantly reached for their bond, wanting to assure himself for the hundredth time that it was still there and open.

His breathing hitched when he realized that Kanan felt slightly muffled. Had he already screwed up?

Ezra abruptly stood up. He needed to go. He didn’t know where to. He just knew that he needed to get away from _here_. But the moment he tried to take a step forward, his legs turned to jelly and buckled beneath him. He dropped his glass which tumbled to the floor with clatter and splash, and a pair of arms wrapped around him. And just like that, the bond was wide open again with waves of comfort flowing out and wrapping themselves around Ezra. His eyes burning with tears as he instinctively leaned in against the warm chest, taking in Kanan’s familiar scent. He just didn’t know what to do anymore.

“Alright,” Kanan muttered, gently setting Ezra back down on the couch. “Let’s finish cleaning you up, then you are going to bed.”

Ezra automatically shook his head, his hands gripping Kanan’s sleeves. He didn’t want to go to sleep. He wanted things to make _sense._  He wanted things to go back to the way they were before: sitting in one of the thousands of hallways of the Great Library, practicing using the Force as he waited for Kanan to get there. Kanan would come, then he and Master Nu would work everything out. She would be there as he tried to talk to Kanan about anything. _Everything_.

A small sob bubbled out of him as he buried his face in his hands. He didn’t know what he wanted. He just wanted everything to _stop_.

There were no more words, just the low persistent hum of comfort and calm as Kanan picked Ezra up. Ezra was dimly aware of being carried somewhere but he couldn’t summon the strength to make his eyes open. He just curled up against the warmth and silently prayed for the universe to make itself right again.


	18. Recovery I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hera's POV

Hera sat in the cockpit, staring out at the barren wasteland she had parked the _Ghost_ in. She could check the nav computer. Or check the  _Ghost's_ steering. But she knew there was nothing to find. Chopper ran a diagnostic two days ago and everything had been fine.

What she _really_ wanted to do was go back and help Kanan. However, given how badly the child had panicked from merely _seeing_ her, she knew that wasn’t a very good idea. After everything he’s just gone through, what he needed most right now was a friendly face.

Predictably, Chopper was grumbling in the corner about the new organics on board. He had barely come to accept Kanan as a crewmember, now he had to deal with a new miniature human as well?

A small ache underneath her right temple was beginning to grow. “Chopper, I swear if you don’t stop complaining, I’m going to power you down.”

He knew that wasn’t an idle threat, and yet he couldn’t help but express his incredulity. Was she really okay leaving those two alone back there to do whatever they wanted?

“That boy has been traumatized enough for one lifetime. The last thing he needs is to be crowded by strangers.” Hera internally cringed as the image of the beaten child in Kanan’s arms flashed in her foremind. This was far from the reunion she had imagined for them. No doubt Kanan felt the same.

Chopper blatted at her. This is _our_ ship.

“Yes, Chopper. And Kanan and Ezra are part of that ‘our’ now.” She pointed a finger at him. “If you even _think_ about harassing that boy, I’m shutting you down for a week!”

He still wasn’t happy, but he was content enough to simply stew in his own oils for now.

Hera sighed, rubbing her temple in an attempt to ease the pain still building there. She wondered how long she should wait there. Kanan and Ezra needed to talk, but frankly, Ezra did not seem to be in any condition for a serious conversation. He needed to be cleaned up then made to rest. She was half-tempted to march back there and make sure Kanan was doing just that, but she managed to keep herself still. It wouldn’t do any good if she ended up just scaring the poor boy again.

Hera couldn’t help but tap her fingers restlessly on the console. There was also the matter of this Master Nu. From what Kanan had said of the woman, it didn’t seem likely that she would have left Ezra to his own devices after an attack like this. That meant there were only two possibilities: either Master Nu was lost, or she had been killed.

The sad truth was that it was likely the latter. If she was simply lost, the Inquisitors would still be here searching for her. As Kanan had said, their primary mission was to hunt down any surviving Jedi. The fact that the Inquisitors were nowhere to be found suggested that they had completed their mission.

Her heart ached all the more at the prospect. Of course, Hera had never known this person, but Nu had taken care of Ezra for over a year. So on top of losing his home and being kidnapped and beaten by a tribe of primitives, he was going to have to deal with the loss of his mentor as well.

Hera closed her eyes and took a deep breath as the pain in her head swelled. She was going to have to do some research on childhood trauma when she got the chance.

The door behind her whooshed open. Kanan walked in and practically collapsed in the copilot’s seat with an explosive sigh. He looked as though the weight of the whole galaxy was resting on his shoulders. “How is he?” Hera asked gently.

“He’s asleep,” Kanan muttered.

That didn’t answer her question, which she suspected had been on purpose. “How is he physically?”

Kanan leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and folding his hands in front of him. “Got his nose fixed, but he’s pretty bruised up. Those savages did a real number on him.” He practically spat the last words out, his voice filled with self-loathing.

Hera placed a hand on his arm. “It’s not your fault, Kanan.”

“You’re right,” he growled, shrugging her hand off. “It was those kriffing barbarians! I have half a mind to go back there and - !”

“And _what?_ Kill them? Will that make you feel better?”

“ _Yes_.”

Hera raised an eyebrow at that. Kanan seemed serious. His hands were clenched into fists, his teeth clenched and bared as he glared out the front viewport. “You know it won’t,” she said. “Right?”

The lines of rage faded slightly. “I need to do _something_. I can’t just _sit_ here.”

“What about Master Nu? We still don’t know what happened to her.”

Kanan’s shoulders slumped. “Ezra says she’s dead.”

While Hera had figured as much, it didn’t stop the small gasp of horror. “Ezra _saw_ her die?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think so. I didn’t exactly press for details.” Kanan rubbed the back of his neck. “I think he just sensed it. Honestly, I should have known. The Force on this planet might be intense, but her signature was always strong. I would have sensed her earlier if she was still alive.” His voice cracked, compelling Hera to lean over and place a hand on his arm again. This time, he didn’t push her away. “I guess I’m back to square one.”

Hera frowned. “What do you mean?”

Kanan let out a humorless laugh. “When I first found Ezra, beaten and terrified, I was alone with no idea what to do. And now… here we are again. The only difference this time is that Ezra doesn’t trust me. Not like he did before.”

“That’s not the only difference.”

Kanan gave her a skeptical glance.

And Hera rolled her eyes at his thick-headedness. “You’re not alone in this. _I’m_ here, and I’ll do everything I can to help.”

“Yeah… I mean, I know that. But - ”

“But nothing, Kanan. You’re a part of my crew, and if Ezra’s going to be your padawan, that means he is too. Whatever’s going to happen, whatever challenges or struggles you and Ezra are going to have to face, I’m going to be right there with you.”

Chopper loudly announced his support as well, although with the caveat that he still didn’t like Kanan or approve of the baby human.

“Yeah, love you too, Chop.” Kanan turned back to Hera with a small smile. “Thanks.”

“It’s no problem.”

“Really though… You didn’t sign up for any of this when you let me come on board.”

Hera shrugged. “I didn’t sign up for anything. That’s the thing about life: you never know where it’s going to take you, so it’s best to just be flexible when it throws an asteroid at you.”

Kanan chuckled darkly. “And what an asteroid this is…”

They fell into a comfortable silence. Well, maybe not _comfortable_ , per se, but it wasn’t tense. The air was filled with a resigned acceptance radiating from both of them. The road ahead looked rocky, but they were prepared for it. “So what now?” Hera asked.

She spotted a flash of anger as he looked back out the viewport. “As much as I’d like to go back and give those bastards a taste of their own medicine… you’re right.” He let out a bitter chuckle. “It’s not like it’ll undo the damage they’ve done.”

Hera unconsciously rubbed some of the sore flesh around her injury. “Who were those people anyway? You said Ossus was uninhabited.”

“And I thought it was. Master Nu had confirmed as much before I left.” Kanan frowned. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say they were natives. With weapons as ancient as those slugthrowers, I doubt they would have had the technology to settle here from another system. But that’s impossible…”

“Why?”

“Because it’s only been the last few decades that enough plants and animals have come back to support long term visitors. At least, that’s what Master Nu had said…”

He was right that the facts didn’t seem to be adding up right. “Well, maybe she was wrong.”

Hera was taken aback when Kanan shot her a sharp look, as if he was offended by the mere notion. Then his expression softened. “Yeah, maybe,” he muttered. “But it honestly doesn’t matter now. Let’s get off this kriffing rock.”

“We should wait until Ezra wakes up,” Hera suggested.

“What? Why?”

“Kanan, this planet has been Ezra’s home for over a year. You don’t think he might want to have one last chance to say goodbye?”

“Say goodbye to _what_? His home is a smoking pile of rock and ash. All that’s left now are bad memories!”

“Why don’t we let _Ezra_ decide what he wants to do?”

That shut him up. His lips pressed together into a thin line as he crossed his arms and leaned back in his seat.

Hera rolled her eyes. “You realize you’re supposed to be the _adult_ in this relationship, right?”

“I _am_ being an adult. After everything Ezra’s just been through, I don’t want to shove his nose right back into it!”

Well that was understandable. “I’m not saying you shove Ezra off the ship and force him to look at…” She waved in the general direction of the ruins. “I’m just saying you should _talk_ to him before we leave. He might _want_ to have one last look at his home before leaving, rubble or not.”

Kanan closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “At least he’s not having nightmares…” he muttered. “... yet.”

Hera frowned. “How can you tell?”

He tapped the side of his head. “The bond, remember?”

Oh right. That was going to take some getting used to.

Kanan let out another sigh. “I just don’t remember it being this… tumultuous with Master Billaba.”

He said it quietly, like an afterthought. Hera doubted he meant to say it aloud, since the statement didn’t make much sense to her. She was pretty sure she had heard the name before, but she couldn’t remember the context. Keeping her voice light and casual, she couldn’t help but press her curiosity. “What do you mean?”

“I mean exactly that. I never felt this overwhelmed from our bond. I might have only been her padawan for a few months, but it got strong enough that…” He abruptly stopped himself, suddenly realizing he was talking _to_ a person, not just to himself. Shaking his head, he stared out at the Ossi sky. “I just mean that opening this bond with Ezra has been overwhelming.”

Hera sighed, a little disappointed that he was cutting himself off from her. A few months ago, she would have approved of the self-imposed distance between them. After all, their relationship would never be more than platonic. But of all times he could use the extra support, this would certainly be one of them. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

Kanan managed a small smile. “You already have. More than you know.”

In another context, it could have been interpreted as flirtatious. As it was, he obviously meant it genuinely. Even if it was frustratingly useless to her. “You should get some sleep.”

“It’s the middle of the day.” But even as he said it, he couldn’t keep the exhaustion out of his voice.

“Yes, and we’ve had a _very_ long morning. Besides, how much sleep did you get last night.”

“Enough.”

That was a load of bantha fodder and he knew it. “Go. Sleep.”

It was a testament to just how tired he was that he stood and started walking back without any further argument. The door opened and he paused. “What about you?”

“I actually _did_ get a good night’s sleep, so I’m fine. I need to get some research done anyway.”

Kanan didn’t question it as he walked on, the door closing behind him.

Hera took a deep breath as she sagged in the captain’s chair. Kanan hadn’t been wrong. She had not been expecting this when she let him on board. Still, expected or not, she now had a traumatized child and an emotionally constipated man-child on board.

“Chopper,” she finally said. “Bring up everything you can find on how to deal with trauma.”

* * *

Hours passed as Hera read source after source on war veterans and abused children. To her frustration, there wasn’t exactly a consensus on the best way to help either of these groups. At least Kanan and Ezra were both human. There was hardly any research available on non-human subjects.

From what she could tell, Kanan definitely had some classic symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. His avoidance of any topics relating to the Jedi or the Clone War, his obvious anxiety whenever the topic was forced, reckless behavior, difficulty sleeping… And survivor’s guilt. That was a big one.

Most of the other symptoms could be taken care of by keeping his mind and body occupied. Their jobs were more than adequate for that. However, the survivor’s guilt was going to be a problem, because it seemed like the best way for him to move on would be to actually face his past. Hera knew she couldn’t force Kanan to talk about it, that doing so would just make things worse. That meant the only thing she _could_ do was exercise patience and understanding while she waited for him to come around on his own.

She didn't have any more luck searching for ways to help Ezra either. There were a few symptoms she made a note of to look out for. They were fairly obvious things such as extreme fear and aggression, fear of separation, and difficulty focusing. Of course, only time would tell how Ezra would fair in the face of all that’s happened. Once again, Hera was frustrated by the lack of concrete strategies to employ should she need to help her newest little recruitment.

In the end, she concluded that she didn’t have much choice other than to play it by ear. For both of them.

Kanan had gone to bed five hours earlier. Anticipating his revival, Hera began to make a simple dinner of rehydrated vegetables and meal supplements. Halfway through cooking the supplements, she heard the galley door opening. She turned, expecting to see Kanan, but instead was faced with a much smaller human who was staring up at her with the bluest eyes she had ever seen. “Oh… hello.”

Ezra’s mouth moved into a shape that looked like ‘hi’, but no sound came out. He remained standing in the doorway, his arms crossed across his chest as he nervously shifted from foot to foot. Wearing an oversized T-shirt that reached down past his knees, Hera could easily see the rope burns that encircled his wrists. Paired with the bruises that littered his face and the wariness of his body expression, he very much looked the part of an abused child. At least his hair looked clean and the dried blood was gone. Kanan must have cleaned Ezra up in the refresher before putting him to bed.

Hera never really thought of herself as a motherly type. She was entirely too young to be thinking about such things, and as far as she was concerned, fighting the Empire might very well consume the rest of her life. But at this very moment, it took all of her willpower to not scoop the boy up in her arms in some irrational attempt to cast away his fears. “Your name’s Ezra, right?”

He gave a small nod in the affirmative. “And you’re Hera,” he stated, his voice low and gravelly.

She smiled. “That’s right.”

He was still regarding her with suspicion, and he made no attempt to step further into the galley. However, Hera did catch his eyes flickering towards the stove.

Ah, now she understood what had brought him here despite his obvious fear. It wasn’t much, but the food was almost done now and their scent was wafting strongly through the galley and - evidently - through the lounge and down the hall. “Dinner’s almost ready. I’m sure you must be starving.” She turned back to the stove, checking the hydration process.

Hera heard the door shut, indicating that Ezra had finally stepped into the galley. She glanced over her shoulder and saw that his attention was now solely focused on the food she was preparing. It would be a couple more minutes before it was ready, so she tried to make conversation. “How did you sleep?”

There was a soft squeak as Ezra sat down on one of the benches. “Good,” he said quietly. There was a brief pause before he added, “Kanan was there.”

She turned around and saw that Ezra was staring intently at his feet, which were currently bare. “You mean he was in the room with you,” she clarified.

Ezra nodded, his black locks bouncing up and down. “Kanan… wants me to like you.”

Hera raised an eyebrow at that, wondering what Kanan had said exactly. “I want you to like me, too. But there’s no rush, Ezra. We just met. We need to get to know each other first.”

He briefly made eye contact with her before looking back downward, crossing his arms even tighter across his chest. “Kanan likes you,” he muttered.

Now she _really_ wanted to know what Kanan had said. “And I like him. As a friend.” She didn’t know if the distinction was necessary for an eight year old, but it couldn’t hurt to be clear. “He can be a bit of a stubborn moof, but his heart is in the right place.”

Ezra frowned slightly at his feet. “Kanan says you’re ob… obj…” He huffed. “Ob-jec-tion-a-ble.”

That did _not_ sound like anything Kanan would say. “Did he, now?” Her lekku twitched in amusement. “Do you know what objectionable means?”

He squirmed in his seat, hunching his shoulders up. “N-No… but Kanan said it like a good thing.”

Hera chuckled. “I’m sure he did.” She turned the stove off and took out a couple of plates. She made a mental note to ask Kanan for specifics later. “Where is he, anyway?”

Ezra glanced at the door. “Sleeping. I didn’t wanna wake him up.”

 _Well, he’ll have to make his own food later_. She split the contents of the meal onto the plates before carrying them to the table, moving slowly to avoid startling him. “Eat up before it gets cold.”

He avoided making eye contact, but his gaze was fixed on her middle as she sat down across from him and started eating. He was wary, but Hera was encouraged that he was comfortable enough to be alone in the same room with her. After he had panicked at the mere sight of her, she had assumed it would at least be a few days before he got to this point. Maybe it helped that he had spent the last year being raised by a woman. Or maybe it was because he knew Kanan liked her (‘objectionable’ or not). She briefly wondered if Ezra could sense that over their bond or if it was just obvious from the way Kanan had spoken about her.

Eventually, Ezra reached for the spoon and began to eat, still eyeing Hera cautiously. She considered it a win. Goddess knows, he definitely needed the nutrition. She had little experience with human children, but Ezra seemed small for his age. He didn’t look as starved as the way Kanan had initially described him, but he reminded her of people who had grown up during times of famine. Their growth stunted and delayed due to early childhood malnutrition.

Except it wasn’t famine that had caused this malnutrition. It had just been the malicious neglect of Ezra’s wealthy relatives. It boggled her mind how people could stoop so low to treat a _child_ like that. And not just Ezra’s relatives, but also the natives who had treated Ezra like a prisoner. What justification could they have possibly had for beating a child?! 

Hera’s hand shook in anger as her grip on her spoon tightened. And if her anger was just a fraction of what Kanan had felt, it was a miracle he _hadn’t_ gone back to deliver his own sense of justice.

Belatedly, she realized that Ezra had stopped eating. His plate still two-thirds full, he had slumped down in his seat with both hands firmly in his lap, trying to make himself as small as possible. “Ezra?” Her heart clenched when he flinched back. “What’s wrong?”

Ezra shook his head, a fine tremor running through his shoulders.

Hera slowly got up to kneel down on the floor next him. Hunched up as he was, it put them eye level with one another. “Ezra?” she repeated. “If you don’t tell me what’s wrong, I can’t help you.”

It took almost a full minute, but he eventually managed to whisper, “‘M s-sorry…” He curled tighter into himself, his face almost completely obscured by his long hair.

She couldn’t help it. She reached up and slowly pushed his hair to the side so she could see his face. He flinched slightly, but made no other move as she tucked the longer strands behind his ear. His lips were pressed tightly together and his eyes were wide with fear. “What are you sorry for?” Hera asked softly. _What triggered this?_

His jaw trembled and he visibly gulped. “F-For making you m-mad…”

“What? Ezra, I’m not mad…” Then she realized that he had sensed her anger. That was something Jedi could do, right? Sense other people’s emotions? “I’m not mad at _you_. I’m mad at the people who hurt you.”

Ezra frowned as he turned his eyes to look at her, this time maintaining eye contact. His gaze was so intense with conflicting emotions, it made Hera a little uncomfortable. But she refused to look away, determined to show Ezra that she meant what she said. "I promise, I'm not mad at you."

Slowly, his body relaxed and the fear seemed to lessen. “You’re not mad at me,” he repeated.

Hera smiled. “That's right.”

Suddenly, Ezra sat up straight, his eyes widening as he looked back at the galley door. Then he flinched slightly from some invisible stimulus.

“Ezra…?”

The sound of heavy footsteps came to a rapid crescendo before the galley door opened, revealing a startled looking Kanan with his hair loose and unkempt around his shoulders. He let out a sigh of relief as his body sagged against the door frame. “You damn near gave me a heart attack!”

“Sorry. I-I just heard noises and… and I didn’t wanna bother you.”

Kanan pushed his hair out of his face as he tried to catch his breath. “Kid, you can _always_ bother me. No matter what. Understand?”

Ezra automatically nodded, but Hera doubted he actually understood. “Or me,” she added. “You can come to me for help too, alright?”

He looked back and forth between the two of them before his gaze settled on Kanan. “Hera’s a lot like you.”

Hera smirked. She wasn’t sure if she should be flattered or offended.

Kanan chuckled. “Trust me, kid. Hera is nothing like me, and that’s definitely a _good_ thing.”

“Really?” Hera teased. “Even if you think I’m ‘objectionable’?”

Kanan raised an eyebrow. “What are you talking about?”

“Apparently you told Ezra here that I’m objectionable. But in a ‘good’ way.”

“Hera, _everything_ I say about you is in a good way.” He had a slight frown though, as if he was trying to recall when he might have said something like that.

Hera rolled her eyes. “You have no shame, you know that?”

“Of course not. If I did, I would have never made it this far with you.”

Out of the corner of her eye, Hera saw Ezra staring at them with wide confused eyes. “Hey, it’s okay. We’re just teasing each other.”

Ezra gave a small nod. “O-Okay.”

And just like that, Kanan’s focus zeroed in on Ezra, his previous panic melting into worry. He walked up and placed a hand on the boy’s shoulder. “No one’s mad at you, kiddo. Like Hera said, we’re just teasing each other.”

Hera watched as Ezra leaned heavily into Kanan’s touch although his body was still stiff with tension. Like a tightly coiled spring, he looked like he wanted to jump out of his seat and into Kanan’s arms, but something was holding him back. He seemed nervous about showing affection. Hera suspected it was not just because of the trauma he had just endured. According to Kanan, their parting had been painful, so there were bound to be issues between them.

For now, all Hera could do was support them both as best she could. Maybe nudge them in the right direction along the way. “Kanan, if you get your apprentice to finish his dinner, I’ll heat you up a serving as well.”

Kanan noticed Ezra’s almost full plate and nodded. “Sounds like a deal.”

As she cooked up another meal supplement, she managed to spare a few glances back to see Kanan kneeling next to Ezra. He was whispering soft words she couldn't quite discern, rubbing a hand up and down the boy’s back. It was the most calm and focused she had ever seen the gunslinger. That child needed love and safety, but Kanan so obviously needed Ezra’s love and affection as well.

This wasn’t going to be easy, but Hera knew that they were all on the right path. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case people are interested, I recently discovered tumblr (under the name KananEzraAngst). I'm mostly just reblogging Rebels related stuff and posting random Rebels thoughts (and as of today, crying over the music Kevin Kiner posted then subsequently removed...), but I'm always down to talk Rebels or Star Wars as a whole (or my writing).


	19. Recovery II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan's POV

For the first standard day, their bond had been like an open wound. It was sensitive to the tiniest fluctuations, their emotions travelling through the bond like lightning and making them both acutely aware of everything the other person was feeling. For Kanan, it had been painful, overwhelming, and exhausting, so he couldn’t begin to imagine what it must have been like for Ezra.

But after that first day, the bond seemed to calm down. Like a contracting blood vessel, the bond narrowed so that not every scrap of emotion was projected through without the host’s consent. It was still open, any attempt to cross it unhindered, but only the strongest of feelings were shot through unwittingly. Kanan was relieved for the reprieve, and he was sure Ezra was too.

By the third day, Kanan decided that it was time to talk to Ezra about leaving Ossus. At this point, the kid was more or less physically recovered. At the very least, he was no longer sleeping twenty hours a day from pure exhaustion, and his bruises were now a yellowish green as opposed to their initial dark purple. It was time to put this place behind them.

They were sitting on either side of the dejarik table after eating a light lunch when Kanan brought it up. And Ezra was unexpectedly eager. “Where we going? Are you still going along the Perlemian Route?”

“No, not anymore. Not sure where we’re going yet. Hera has this habit of going out on secret missions. But we could go anywhere until we find another job. We could even go to Lothal. There’s not much Imperial activity between here and there, so it would only take a couple days.”

Ezra’s eyes practically sparkled at the idea. “Really? We can go to Lothal?”

Kanan smiled back, though it was slightly forced. Ezra was playing the part of a happy kid, but he couldn’t completely hide the persistent doubt and fear that he had been radiating. It constantly rubbed Kanan the wrong way, serving as yet another reminder how just how much he had screwed up. “Sure, kiddo. If you want to go to Lothal, we can go to Lothal.”

Ezra’s smile faltered, and Kanan could sense his doubt rearing its ugly head again. “I mean, I-I don’t care. I can go anywhere.”

“Like I said, we don't have any place we need to be at the moment. Lothal is as good as anywhere else. Honestly, I just think it’d be good to get off of Ossus.”

Ezra furrowed his brow slightly. “Why?”

The obvious answer was because this place was now filled with horrible memories. Master Nu’s death, the destruction of the Great Jedi Library, and Ezra’s captivity with the barbarians… why would Ezra want to stay?

But Hera was right. Ezra had called this planet home for a year. Who knows what kind of memories he had built here. “We don’t need to leave right away. Is there anything want to do or… see before we go?” Ezra hadn’t left the _Ghost_ since he had been rescued, and he hadn’t shown any interest in leaving. But then again, he had just recovered from his ordeal, and so maybe he did wanted to go and see what was left of the ruins one last time.

However, Ezra quickly shook his head. “I wanna go. I don’t wanna see anything. Master Nu and P3, they're…” His eyes became suspiciously shiny, but he quickly blinked the moisture away. Leaning back in his seat, he crossed his arms across his chest. “They’re gone,” he murmured.

Kanan had to resist the urge to wrap an arm around the kid and pull him in close. Ever since he was rescued, Ezra’s entire body would go ramrod stiff any time Kanan so much as rested a hand on his shoulder. The mixture of relief and fear that Kanan could sense had him maintaining a certain physical distance. He remembered the day he left, how he had grabbed Ezra tightly, desperate to make him understand why leaving was for Ezra’s own good. He remembered the way Ezra’s eyes had widened in fear and how he had begged - _screamed_ \- to be let go.

After everything he’s been through, he deserved a bit of bodily autonomy. If being touched made him uncomfortable, than Kanan would respect that.

Besides, a part of Kanan knew exactly what Ezra was talking about. After Order 66, he hadn’t cared about going back for his master’s body or returning to Coruscant (once he discovered that the Temple had been all but abandoned). His master was dead and the Jedi Order ruined. Dwelling on them was a pointless exercise. It wouldn’t bring them back to life.

Master Nu was gone, another name to the long list of dead Jedi. It was a drop in the bucket of grief Kanan had for his old life. Frankly, he was more concerned about the toll her death was going to have on Ezra in the long run.

However, there wasn’t much Kanan could do now except focus on the present. “I’ll talk to Hera about plotting a course to Lothal, okay?”

Ezra spared Kanan a glance before giving a single nod. “Th…” His jaw snapped shut, his eyes widening as if regretting saying anything at all. Then he closed them and took a deep breath. “That sounds good.”

Their bond hummed with the truth of his statement, but Kanan knew there was something else bothering him. “Ezra, you know you can talk to me about anything.”

Ezra’s gaze was fixed on the table as he worked his jaw. Kanan could feel the specter of doubt raising its head again. He took that specter and pushed it back down, projecting as much reassurance as he could. Slowly, he could see Ezra’s body relaxing until he was finally comfortable enough to speak. “Hera does secret missions?”

Well, that question should have been completely expected. “Yeah,” Kanan replied. 

“What kind of missions?”

Kanan sighed. Him and his big mouth. How was he supposed to give some sort of answer when he himself hardly understood that side of Hera’s life? All he knew was that she had a contact that pointed her in the direction of Imperial goods to be stolen and redistributed, intelligence to be retrieved then passed on, among other things. They also did ‘normal’ smuggling jobs and the like (which was way more up Kanan’s alley) for extra cash, but Hera never let that get in the way of these other more seditious acts.

“Basically various jobs that stick it to the Empire. Hera’s got this ‘friend’ who helps her do it. I’m gonna be honest, kiddo. I don’t know much about it either because, you know, secret. But this is Hera’s ship, so where she goes, I follow.”

Ezra still seemed rightfully dubious but accepted the answer.

After that, Kanan set Ezra up with an old Republic cartoon on the holoprojector while he performed his duties as crewmate. There wasn’t much to do beyond basic maintenance and cleaning, but it needed to be done. Once he had just finished running diagnostics on the _Phantom_ and started to clean the loading dock, he realized he had an audience. Ezra was sitting on the balcony overlooking the dock, an arm wrapped around one of the railing struts and his legs dangling over the edge. He reminded Kanan of a lost Tooka kit. “What’s the matter? _Captain Coruscant_ not your cup of tea?”

Ezra shrugged. “It’s okay…” His eyes narrowed at the mop Kanan was holding. “What’re you doing?”

“My duty as not-a-travelling companion and not-a-revolutionary.” He gave a dramatic sweep with the mop, leaving behind a long wet smear. “Hera only let me onto this beauty with the promise that I’d help out with the ship.”

Looking thoughtful, Ezra kicked his legs lazily back and forth. “When’d you meet Hera?”

“Uh, about three standard months ago.”

“Where?”

Kanan’s mouth twitched into a smile, thinking back to those first few weeks on Yabol Opa. The moment Kanan would walk into the apartment, Ezra would lose all interest in whatever holoprogram or educational simulation he had been engrossed in. He would drag a chair as close to the kitchen as he could and start asking questions while Kanan cooked them dinner. “On a planet called Gorse.”

Ezra’s legs paused in their swinging. “Near Zeltros, where the Lesser Lantrillian Trade Route splits from the Trellen Trade Route.”

Kanan blinked, slightly taken aback. “Yeah… How’d you know that?” Then he felt stupid for asking. Master Nu was probably able to teach Ezra a lot in the past year, including the basic geography of their galaxy.

But Ezra’s reply surprised him. “Aunt Sarai liked going there,” he said with a shrug.

Right… Kanan did vaguely remember Ezra mentioning that his relatives traveled a lot, and Zeltros was a popular vacation spot for the more wealthy.

“Why were you on Gorse?”

 _To make money and get lost in a sea of alcohol_ , his brain automatically provided. But Ezra probably wouldn’t react very well to that answer. “It was just another stop on my never ending journey. Pure chance put me in Hera’s path.” Initially anyway. It was her impossibly gorgeous voice that had had him coming back. And her tenacious passion that had him staying.

The rest of the afternoon was spent this way, Ezra asking him small questions while Kanan mopped the floor and scrubbed off the carbon scoring from the _Ghost’s_ most recent misadventure. The kid was pointedly avoiding all topics relating to his last year with Master Nu, which was just fine with Kanan. If he wasn’t ready to talk about it, then Kanan wouldn’t push it.

All in all, everything seemed almost normal. Like they had never been separated.

They didn’t see much of Hera that evening. She seemed to be making herself scarce (and had threatened Chopper to do the same). In just the last couple days, she's proven to have this uncanny ability to know when to give them space. Knowing her, she was probably holed up in her room, getting stuff done behind closed doors. That was actually pretty normal behavior for her. It usually meant that they were about to go out on a specific job and make a little extra cash. Kanan only hoped that Hera had the wherewithal to know that he was in no mental state to take on a mission right now. Not to mention the last thing Ezra needed was for them to fly off and leave him to his own devices.

She probably did, being insanely insightful for a person her age, but he would make sure to verify it with her the next time they had a chance to chat.

Kanan and Ezra went to bed, and the night started out peacefully. Ezra had slept soundlessly through the last couple nights (though that had probably been due to pure exhaustion), and Kanan had hoped that this night would be similar. However, that hope was dashed when he was awakened by the sound of Ezra's whimper.

As he stood, Kanan realized that he could actually feel the nightmare growing on Ezra’s side of the bond. Wanting to nip it in the bud, he gently placing a hand on Ezra’s head, projecting waves of calm through the bond. “Shh… It’s okay. It’s over now.”

Ezra grimaced and shied away from his touch. “No…”

Kanan froze. Ezra had never pulled away from him like this before. Before, it had been trivial for him to cast the nightmares away as long as his shields were lowered. But now, even Ezra's mind seemed to be skittering away in fear, and it made Kanan physically ill. It just felt so _wrong_. A child’s mind should be warm, bright, and energetic, not dark and slippery like this.

A horrible thought suddenly occurred to Kanan: Did this mean this cold slime has been clinging to Ezra ever since he blocked their bond?

With great difficulty, Kanan forced himself to swallow down the guilt that tasted of bile. He needed to focus. Their bond was wide open, and Ezra was shying away from him. Ezra was _afraid_ of him. So did he risk frightening him further by pushing into Ezra’s mind to free him from the nightmare’s grip? Or would that do more harm than good?

Any chance to think rationally was cut short when Ezra’s eyes snapped open with a sharp cry. He stared at Kanan unseeing before violently flinching back, his breathing harsh and panicked as he raised his arms over his head. “No, p-please…!"

Kanan acted on instinct, practically diving through the bond and wrapping the cold tendrils of Ezra’s mind with every ounce of warmth and love as he could muster. He placed one hand on the boy’s shoulder while using his other to run his fingers through the black hair, trying to calm the boy's trembling. “You’re safe, you’re safe now…” He repeated it like a mantra, praying that Ezra would let him in.

“I… I d-don’t…”

“Shh, it’s okay. I’m right here. I promise I’m right here.”

Ezra’s breathing was haggard as he curled more tightly into himself. Through his panic and fear, Kanan could also sense an almost overwhelming desire. For what, he couldn’t say. He just continued to soothe Ezra the best he could, the slippery cold slowly easing away.

“That’s it…” Kanan leaned in, pressing his face to Ezra’s hands which were still raised defensively. The fingers were cold against his skin, but their trembling slowly ceased as they warmed against Kanan's skin.

Kanan maintained his awkward hold on Ezra until he was finally rid of the sickly dark that had taken hold. That was when Ezra lowered his arms, his eyes clear as they glanced hesitantly at Kanan. His face was dry; he hadn't been crying. Not that that made Kanan feel any better. Especially when Ezra was still holding himself back from Kanan, albeit minutely.

Kanan forced a smile. “Hey. You feeling better?”

Ezra immediately nodded, but it was so obviously a lie that he looked away with a small cringe. “I-I’m okay,” he whispered.

Kanan’s stomach dropped. “Kid, it’s okay if you’re not.”

Anger. It came and went so quickly that Kanan almost missed it, but it was enough that he pulled back as if burned. It was such a foreign dark emotion to be sensing from Ezra. The only other time he had seen Ezra angry was… Well, when he had left.

Freed from Kanan’s half-embrace, Ezra abruptly rolled over and curled up on his other side. “‘M sorry I woke you up,” he murmured.

Kanan stared at Ezra’s back, momentarily speechless. Ezra was a ball of tension, his body still trembling. Kanan tried to project a sense of calm but found that bond was suddenly much fuzzier than it had been before. Ezra was trying to block him out.

And it hurt. Deep in his chest, it was like a spiny lizard was rolling around in discontent. And it was made all the worse because he knew he absolutely deserved this. Guilt gnawed at him as he thought about all the months Kanan had spent keeping himself shielded from their bond. This rejection… Ezra had suffered from it for an entire year. No wonder the boy was keeping him at a distance, after everything Kanan had put him through.

Kanan just feared that by doing so, Ezra was only going to make himself suffer all the more. 

With a deep sigh, Kanan crawled back into his own bunk. “I’m here if you need anything.” And he meant it with every bit of his being. No matter how long Ezra insisted on holding him at arm’s length, Kanan was never going to leave him again.

Unfortunately, only time would prove the truth of his words.

Kanan didn’t really sleep the rest of the night. His awareness went in and out as he kept his eyes closed and his breathing even in this pseudo-meditative state, but he never fully fell back into unconsciousness.

A couple hours passed before he heard Ezra give a soft sigh. The blankets above Kanan rustled, and he cracked an eye open to see a small foot hesitantly position itself on the top rung of the ladder. Moving painfully slowly, Ezra climbed down from the top bunk. Once on the ground, he tiptoed over to the door. When it opened with a hiss, Ezra visibly flinched, but slipped out before it closed behind him.

Several minutes passed before Kanan sat up to stare at the door. He doubted Ezra had just gone to use the refresher, which left him wondering where the boy had run off to. He searched the Force just to make sure Ezra was still safely on the ship. Even with Ezra’s insistence that he had no desire to see the ruins, that didn’t mean he might not want to leave and get some fresh air.

To his relief, he sensed Ezra’s Force signature in the cargo bay. Ezra must have had just as much luck going back to sleep as he had and had opted for a change in scenery.

Kanan laid back down, pushing down his desire to run after him. If the kid needed space, then he needed space. Crowding him too much would just push him away even further. At least, he assumed so.

Truth was, he had no idea what he was supposed to do. This had all been so much easier a year ago. Ezra had had such blind faith in him that it had been almost effortless to take care of his emotional needs. In fact, Kanan had been upset at how easily Ezra trusted him, especially after he had yelled at him for using the holocron (an incident that still makes him nauseous with guilt). Now he thought back to that time with envy, wishing he could fix things now with just a hug and a few soothing words.

He had no one to blame but himself. Maybe yelling at Ezra in anger hadn’t been enough to shatter his trust, but rejecting their bond and leaving him behind obviously was. And now Kanan had to find some way to pick up the pieces and rebuild what was lost.

Kark, he really needed a drink.

Kanan dragged himself out of bed, giving up on sleep. He took a moment to take stock of where everyone was. Ezra was still in the cargo bay, and to his surprise, he could sense Hera in the galley. It must actually be morning, then.

With a small sigh, he tied his hair back and walked out to check up on Ezra. At the very least, he needed to convince him to eat some breakfast.

The cargo bay was mostly empty with only a few empty crates secured down in the far corner. Kanan found Ezra sitting on his knees next to these crates, his hands resting on his thighs and his eyes closed. With a raised eyebrow, Kanan simply observed Ezra for a moment. He was deep enough into a meditative state that he hadn’t even noticed Kanan walking in.

After a small debate with himself, Kanan decided to leave Ezra be. Some meditation would be good for him, and he wasn’t about to interrupt and throw his young padawan off balance.

 _Padawan_. The word felt unnatural in his head. Under normal circumstances, a youngling couldn’t become one until they had passed their Initiate Trials, and that didn’t generally happen until you were a teenager. Even if he and Ezra had developed this bond at the Jedi Temple on Coruscant, he wouldn’t have been able to take Ezra as an apprentice until he had at _least_ gained the title of Jedi Knight.

But they didn’t live under normal circumstances anymore. Even Master Nu, traditionalist that she was, had insisted that Ezra should be his padawan. Maybe she hadn’t meant immediately, but she had obviously thought that they needed to be together and that their bond should be cultivated.

There was a pang of regret in his chest at the thought of the old master. He should have taken her up on her offer to stay. He should have stayed with Ezra, learned what he could from Master Nu when he had had the chance, and maybe, just maybe, he would have gotten good enough to actually deserve to take on an apprentice. Maybe he could have helped her fight the Inquisitors. Maybe all of this pain could have been avoided had he not run away like a coward.

He was angry. Angry at the Empire for bringing the Jedi that much closer to extinction, and angry at himself for making it that much easier for them.

He suddenly stopped in his tracks, closing his eyes and taking in a deliberately long breath. He gathered up all his guilt and anger and slowly breathed back out, releasing the dark energy and letting it dissipate into the chaotic ocean that was the Ossi Force. It swallowed the darkness eagerly, letting it join the taint that had been left behind by the Inquisitor's destruction. Opening his eyes, he concentrated on breathing evenly. Lingering on the what-ifs of the past weren’t going to help anyone, least of all Ezra.

 _“Ezra needs his master. His_ **_real_ ** _master.”_

Master Nu, with all of her intelligence and wisdom, had all but _demanded_ that he return and take Ezra in as his padawan. She had might have intended to help guide Kanan, but that didn’t change the fact that she thought that _he_ was the more appropriate master for Ezra. All because they shared this bond.

It seemed that Force bonds have deeper implications than Kanan had previously thought. Before, he had imagined them as not much more than tools. They naturally developed between two Force-sensitives when they were needed, like when a master wishes to more effectively teach an apprentice or when such a bond might help heal another Force-sensitive. The latter is what Kanan thought had happened when he took Ezra in. After all the abuse and neglect he had suffered, Kanan had assumed that Ezra’s desperate need to connect had triggered the formation of their bond as just a way of coping. And Kanan had blocked that bond because he was sure he would just do more harm than good.

Now, with Master Nu’s last words to him, he realized that they were not so banal that they could be created or destroyed at the discretion of the users. They weren’t just tools: they were sacred, a sign from the Force that two sentients belonged with one another.

It was a hard pill for Kanan to swallow. It seemed ridiculous, that the Force would chose an emotionally wrecked, drunk, failure of a padawan to guide and care for a bright, if traumatized, child. But he couldn’t run away from this anymore. As Master Nu had said, it would only cause them both more pain. And Kanan refused to be the catalyst for any more of Ezra’s suffering.

However, that still left him without much clue as to _how_ to be Ezra’s master.

Actually, forget the Jedi stuff for now. How in Bane’s name was he going to earn Ezra’s trust back? It would take time, sure, but he wasn’t about to spend that time just sitting around twiddling his thumbs. There must be _something_ more he could do, right?

He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. He was overthinking all of this.

Maybe he should talk to Hera. He needed to talk to her about leaving for Lothal anyway. At the very least, she would be a sounding board and help him get all of his thoughts in order.

So, plan of action. Find Hera and talk to her about: one) going to Lothal, two) taking a break from their normal missions, and three) seeing if she had any good insights on how to start fixing things with Ezra.

It was only short term, but any plan was better than no plan. At the very least, it gave him a set of tasks he knew he could accomplish without risk of hurting anyone. And Force dammit, he needed to feel like he could do _something_ right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment and let me know what you think!


	20. Recovery III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra's POV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One last post before the beginning of the end...

Meditation never came easy to Ezra. Kanan once said that it wasn’t easy for anyone, that it usually took months or years to really get the hang of it. However, given how frustrated Master Nu used to get, Ezra was pretty sure that wasn’t true.

Still, he was much better at it now than he had been a year ago. The first time he successfully fell into a meditative state, it had been terrifying. It was like he had been ripped from his body and thrown into the violent storm. It only lasted a moment before he was slammed back into his body, but it had felt like an eternity.

But now Ezra was used to it. In fact, he found the never-ending push and pull of the Force to be comforting. The chaos of Ossus was a welcome distraction and a good place to hide. No matter where he physically was or what was going on in his life, he could always empty himself and get lost in the Force. That didn’t mean it was _easy_ for him to do, but he was at least motivated enough to practice regularly.

And after the night he’s just had, disappearing into the Force was a welcome relief.

It didn’t last long though. It never did. Before he knew it, he was back in his body, sitting in the cargo hold of the _Ghost_. He frowned and tried to empty his mind again, but anxiety roiled up in his stomach and kept him firmly aware.

Ezra slumped with a sigh. He looked down and saw that his hands were trembling. He grasped them together, trying to get them to stop as he told himself over and over again that things were okay. For now.

Because yes, at this point he was certain that Kanan really was here. It wasn’t just a dream or strange hallucination. And Kanan even seemed intent on keeping Ezra around. However, there were still a lot of unanswered questions. Chief of which being: why did Kanan lower his shields _now_ , after all this time?

_“Master Nu wanted me to take you in as my padawan.”_

Kanan had been telling the truth when he said, and it had filled Ezra with hope. Then that hope was dampened by the realization that Kanan only came back because Master Nu had asked him to. And now that she was gone…

Ezra clenched his fists. He wanted to believe that Kanan wanted this. He wouldn’t have opened their bond unless he did, right? His memory of the last couple days was fuzzy, but he could vaguely recall Kanan saying that he blocked the bond because he wanted someone else - like Master Nu - to teach him. Which meant that Ezra had been right; Kanan left because he was a bad student. And it’s not like Ezra didn't already know this. Even if Master Nu never said it explicitly, it had been obvious that she had found teaching him to be frustrating.

But now Kanan was giving him another chance, and Ezra couldn’t screw it up. He promised himself that he would do everything differently this time. He would be a better student. He would do everything Kanan told him to do, no matter what. And he wouldn’t constantly cling to Kanan like a greedy leech.

So what does Ezra do? He has another stupid nightmare in the middle of the stupid night that forces Kanan to get up to try and comfort his stupid self. He didn’t need comfort. Ezra had spent the last year learning to cope with the nightmares on his own. As scary as they were, they always passed.

 _I can do better_ , he thought to himself.

Suddenly, he sensed Kanan seeking him out. There was nothing intrusive about it. In fact, it was similar to how Master Nu used to try and find him, and that was without any sort of bond. Ezra blinked and reached back, sensing both him and Hera higher up in the ship.

Kanan probably wanted him to go up and eat something. He had always been concerned about that. So had Master Nu in early months until he was ‘in acceptable shape’.

When Ezra reached the galley, he found Kanan leaning against the counter next to a couple of pans that were cooking on the stove. To his relief, Hera and the C1 droid were nowhere to be seen. Hera was okay, but the droid didn’t seem to like him very much.

Kanan gave a small smile. “Hey, kiddo. How’d your meditation go?”

At first, Ezra was surprised that Kanan had known. But then again, with their bond open, it really shouldn’t have been _that_ surprising. “I-It was okay.”

“Maybe…” Kanan rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “Maybe later we could meditate together? I know that’s easier than trying to do it alone.”

There was a stab of fear, but Ezra quickly pushed it back down, reminding himself not to bother Kanan with his stupid emotions. The more in control he was, the better student he was, the more likely Kanan was to keep him around. Besides, meditating with Kanan would be a good thing. Ezra could show him that he managed to learn something in the past year. And maybe Kanan was right: maybe it would be easier.

So Ezra gave a small nod. “Okay.”

That was when Hera walked in, glancing at the stove in concern. “Kanan, your eggs are about to burn.”

“Oh kriff…!” Kanan quickly turned the stove off, taking off one of the pans in a panic.

Hera whacked his arm with the back of her hand. “Language!”

“What? Oh…” Kanan turned sheepishly to Ezra. “Sorry, kid.”

Ezra frowned. It wasn’t like Kanan hadn’t cursed in front of him before. His uncle used 'kriff' a lot too. Along with a whole host of other insults and curses. Why did it matter if Kanan used 'kriff'?

Hera huffed, dissatisfied with Kanan’s response, but didn’t say anything further. She pulled some plates out from one of the cabinets and started sliding off chunks of brown blocks from the other pan. “I’m assuming they’re done?”

“Uh, yeah.” Kanan lifted his pan with a cringe. “A little browned. Maybe blackened, but edible.”

After dividing out the food, Hera and Kanan placed the plates on the table, Kanan and Ezra sitting on one side and Hera on the other as per usual. The brown blocks were just meal supplements, but the sight of the eggs had Ezra perking up. He immediately grabbed a fork and began to scoop the yellowish brown lumps into his mouth. He hadn’t eggs since they had left Yabol Opa. These were different than he remembered - salty and smoky - but their familiarity still warmed Ezra's tummy and had him relaxing.

“Are you excited to go to Lothal?” Hera asked.

Ezra paused in his chewing. He had forgotten that that was the plan. He swallowed before speaking. “I-I guess.” ‘Excited’ wasn’t the right word. He used to think Lothal was a backwater mudhole. Then Kanan said he shouldn’t judge until they actually visited it. At the time, Ezra had just been relieved that Kanan was going to keep him around (a thought that ended up being wrong, Ezra reminded himself). Now, he just wanted to leave Ossus and try to gain some semblance of normalcy again.

“I’ve never been,” Hera replied casually, slicing up her meal supplement. “I’ve heard it’s primarily a farming planet. Lots of grasslands with a few mountain ranges scattered around. Ever been to the Outer Rim?”

Ezra shook his head. “Aunt Sarai said it’s filled with rim trash and diz… dizidents.”

Hera hummed skeptically at that. “Your aunt sounds like a real schutta.”

“... That’s what Kanan said.”

“Among other things,” Kanan mumbled before shoving a forkful of eggs into his mouth.

Hera placed a hand over Kanan’s with a small chuckle. “Yeah, you really should watch your language.”

“Hey, _you_ just used it!”  

“A schutta is just an animal. I mean the other less couth terms I’m sure you’ve been using.”

Ezra watched their banter without really listening. He had come to realize that this was a regular thing between them. It was strange. It was like they were arguing, but there was never any anger or threat of violence between them. In fact, they were usually smiling. Even so, it made him uncomfortable. He didn’t know why. Usually he liked fading into the background, away from people’s attention. But the way Kanan and Hera acted together was just so _different._ He just didn't know what to make of it.

Then there was the fact that Ezra kept forgetting that Hera was… well, _here_. Even when she was in the same room as him, she seemed to easily fade out of Ezra's awareness. Ezra liked her. A lot more than Master Nu, anyway. She was a calm presence in the Force. Hera wasn’t Force-sensitive, so it wasn’t because she was shielding herself. She was just naturally mellow. The only time Ezra had sensed her emotions at all was when she was angry. Even then, her anger was just a low simmer until it calmed and dissipated away. Honestly, he had never felt anything like it before.

But despite her quiet presence, Ezra couldn’t help but regard her as an intruder (even though Kanan said this was her ship and technically _they_ were the intruders).  Kanan obviously really liked Hera, and every time she entered the room, he practically gravitated towards her. It was always an abrupt reminder for Ezra that they weren’t alone. He had to make sure to never mention anything about the Jedi or the Force, and he had to get used to the fact that Kanan would always act... _weird_... around her.

For the millionth time, Ezra wished they could go back in time to when it was just the two of them. Back when Kanan didn’t constantly get distracted by this Twi'lek lady.

A small nudge on his arm had Ezra looking up to see Kanan pointing at his plate. “Eat the supplement too, buddy. I know it tastes weird, but you need more than just eggs.”

Ezra frowned, remembering the days where they ate nothing _but_ eggs. He cut off a piece of the supplement and stuck it in his mouth, grimacing in disgust. It wasn’t that it tasted bad. The food he and Master Nu had foraged on Ossus was much worse. It was more the texture. It was dense with a chewy exterior. But once you bit into it, it felt like sticky sand in his mouth. He’d much rather eat a ration bar. Still, he forced a few good sized bites down knowing that Kanan wouldn’t be satisfied unless he did.

At the end of the meal, as Kanan was cleaning and putting the dishes away, Hera turned to Ezra. “Are you sure you’re ready to leave?”

Ezra immediately and emphatically nodded. He didn’t have the words to express how much he wanted to leave this place and never come back. Ossus was infected, both by his bitter memories and by something sick in the Force itself. Not to mention he could sense how restless Kanan was to hop back into space and get moving. And anywhere Kanan wanted to go, Ezra would too.

Hera seemed a little skeptical, but gave a small smile. “Then to Lothal we go.”

Drying his hands off, Kanan stepped up beside Ezra and placed a hand on his shoulder. “We can spend the next few days going over what you’ve learned.”

Ezra stiffened, glancing over at Hera. Kanan might have not used the word ‘Jedi’ or ‘Force’, but it still felt like Kanan was edging dangerously close to those topics. He wondered what kind of story Kanan was going to come up with to cover up the fact that they were Force-sensitive.

Kanan noticed Ezra’s reaction. “What’s wrong?”

Licking his lips, Ezra tried to think of a way to ask this without giving anything away. “W-What about Hera?”

Hera raised a brow at her name. “What about me?”

Ezra bit his lip, remembering Kanan’s anger when he had opened the holocron. If he exposed them now, it could be what finally pushed Kanan over the edge.

But he wasn’t sensing any apprehension or anger from Kanan. Just confusion. “Hera doesn’t care if we train.” He turned to the Twi’lek. “Right?”

“Of course not.” She gave Ezra an encouraging smile. “Just don’t push yourself, okay? It’s only been a few days, and you’re still recovering.”

“Don’t worry,” Kanan said. “We’ll stick to meditation today.”

Ezra bit his lip, wondering what kind of training she thought they were doing. Or what she thought of them ‘meditating’. Ezra knew there were plenty of people who weren’t Force-sensitive that practiced meditation, but he couldn’t help but fear that Hera might be able to connect all the dots.

Hera went to set the course to Lothal while Kanan led Ezra back to his room. A part of Ezra was excited. Kanan was finally going to train him like a real Jedi master. But then he thought about how little he had accomplished in the last year, and his stomach became sick with fear. At the time, he had been overwhelmed with the volume of information Master Nu had given him and tested him on. But thinking back on it now, it all felt like it was trickling out his mind like sand through his fingers. What if he hadn’t learned enough? What if Kanan thought taking him back was a mistake?

Once they were in Kanan’s room, Kanan gave his shoulder a squeeze. “Hey. You have nothing to worry about. We’ll go slow, and if you ever feel overwhelmed, we can stop. Okay?”

Ezra took a deep breath, cringing at how it stuttered. “Okay.”

Closing the door behind them, Ezra knelt on the ground as he had many times before with Kanan kneeling in front him. “Let’s just… meditate for a bit. Get a feel for our bond, get used to being around each other again.”

Ezra frowned at the wording. “I don’t… What do you mean?”

Kanan opened his mouth, then closed it, looking uncertain. “Let’s just meditate and see where it takes us.”

Ezra nodded hesitantly before closing his eyes and searching for his center. The ship was now in motion, moving away from the powerful presence of Ossus. Soon they would be in the emptiness of space. It wasn’t completely devoid of the Force, but it was so faint that it might as well have been. Ezra tried to keep his breathing even. It had always been harder for him to meditate they were traveling through space.

Through their bond, he could feel Kanan’s mind calming and emptying as he released himself into the Force. Knowing he had to do the same, Ezra counted to five as he breathed in, then again to five as he breathed out. Once he felt calmer, he sought out that sweet spot where he could lose himself to the cosmic Force.

When he did, the first thing he saw was the presence of their bond, a tether of light between them. He had never seen it so _obvious_ before. On reflex, Ezra grabbed onto it. It immediately grounded him, acting like an anchor in the waves of the Force around him. Ezra could feel his body relax, the bundle of nerves in his stomach slowly unwinding.

The bond thrummed happily between them, pulling the two beings closer together. On reflex, Ezra pulled back from it. He promised himself he wouldn’t be a nuisance, he promised that he wouldn’t cling to Kanan like a slimy parasite…

Then a warm wave flowed over him, wrapping around him protectively. _It’s okay. I’ve got you._

The flood of relief at the silent statement knocked Ezra out of his meditative state. He sat back, breathing heavily, faintly aware of the warm wetness on his cheeks. He quickly wiped it away, hoping Kanan didn’t notice. “I-I’m sorry,” he quickly said. They had literally just started and already he was failing.

“Ezra…” Kanan let out an exasperated sigh. “ _Please_ stop apologizing.”

Ezra squeezed his lips together, resisting the urge to blurt out another apology. This was a problem he had: apologizing despite Kanan’s insistence that he stop. One of many reasons Kanan had lost patience with him (had dumped him off on a stranger). “I…” Something. He needed to say _something_. “I can do better.”

Kanan’s brow furrowed slightly. “You just entered a meditative state and made a connection with me. That’s a lot, Ezra.”

He shook his head, knowing it wasn’t enough. “M-Master Nu said I w-wasn’t focused. I…” He had been progressing slower than other students his age. Ezra had always snapped that he didn’t care, that it didn’t matter. And she always just took his anger in stride, channeling Ezra’s energy into something more productive. “I can do better,” he repeated.

For several long moments, Kanan just stared at him. Then he closed his eyes and sighed. “This is wrong,” he muttered more to himself than to Ezra. Opening his eyes again, he smiled genuinely. “How about we play Padawan Catch?”

“P-Padawan Catch?”

Kanan’s smile faltered. “You don’t know what it is?” He looked stricken when Ezra shook his head. “I know Master Nu was uptight, but to not even play a simple creche game…?”

Ezra squirmed uncomfortably. Master Nu had never been much for ‘games’. At least, none that didn’t have at least some semblance of academic value.

Kanan quickly covered his disbelief up with a half-smile. “Well, better late than never.” He stood and opened the door to his cabin. “It’s straightforward: I’ll wait in here for one standard minute. You go and try to find a place to hide. The _Ghost_ has plenty of good hiding spots if Choppers kleptomania is any indication. Just stay out of Hera’s room. After the minute is up, I’ll try to find you. Make sense?”

No. Not really. Kanan wanted Ezra to _hide_ from him? What for? Biting his lip, Ezra forced himself to nod. It sounded like some sort of test. He would be able to hide away from Kanan if his Force Stealth was good enough. Of all the skills to test, this wasn’t the first Ezra would have guessed. Master Nu had been much more concerned with his ability meditate and sense subtle movements. But then again, Kanan had spent a lot of time hiding from the Empire. In a way, more so than even Master Nu. She might have been hiding, but she never hid from the Jedi side of herself. Kanan did.

“Alright. You ready?” Kanan covered his eyes. “One… Two…”

One standard minute. Ezra bolted out of the room, looking side to side. Which way to go? He spotted the ladder in the common room and ran for it. There was a hatch at the top which led to what looked like a shuttle. The familiarity of it tickled the back of Ezra’s mind, but he shook it off. He needed to focus. This place seemed as good as any other to hide. He crawled in and shut the hatch behind him, twisting the lock closed.

Then he heard a couple of sharp blats behind him.

Ezra spun around, shying away when he saw the C1 droid. “I-I’m sorry. I c-can leave…”

The droid was silent for a moment before giving a questioning whomp. Ezra’s binary wasn’t great, but a year with P3 had given him some basic skills. “You… wanna know why I’m here?”

The droid answered in the affirmative.

“K-Kanan’s testing me. I have to stay hidden.”

The droid looked at the hatch before saying a few other things. As far as Ezra could tell, he saying something about ‘repairs’. That would make sense. Why else would the droid be up here?

Then beeped out the phrase ‘stupid Jedi things’, and Ezra choked on his own spit. “W-What did you say?!”

The droid let out a noise of annoyance before replying. Once again, Ezra could make out the words ‘stupid’ and ‘Jedi’. Unable to fully understand the binary, Ezra’s mind drifted towards panic at this revelation. “H-How did you know?” He looked down at the hatch. “Does H-Hera know too?!”

Making a noise that sounded an awful lot like a sigh, the droid replied  _Yes_  before ranting on. 

A thousand thoughts suddenly flooded Ezra’s mind. Hera and her droid knew? Does Kanan know they know? That would explain why Kanan had been so casual about their training earlier. But how did they know? Did Kanan accidentally use the Force in front of them? Did Kanan _tell_ them?

That was when he heard the droid say the phrase ‘waste of time’. It made Ezra’s stomach jolted uncomfortably. It was a phrase he was quite familiar with. P3 hated having Ezra around and constantly questioning the point of training someone so obviously unqualified. For the most part, he kept these thoughts away from Master Nu, but P3 never missed a chance remind Ezra when she wasn’t around.

Ezra glanced at the hatch, knowing the standard minute must be up by now. He needed to do this. He needed to prove he wasn’t just a waste of time. “ _Please_ be quiet,” he begged in a harsh whisper. “I need to hide!”

The droid didn’t reply immediately. When he did speak, it was slow and simple, making it easy for Ezra to understand: Hide. I’ll ignore you.

That was unexpected, but Ezra wasn’t about to question it. He whispered a ‘thanks’ then scrambled for the bow of the shuttle, tucking himself under the helm and settling in a meditative pose. He had to find his center if he had any hope of hiding his signature.

At some point, there was movement on the other side of the hatch. Holding his breath, Ezra watched as it opened, Kanan’s head sticking through. “Hey, Chopper. Seen Ezra around?”

The droid replied in the negative, questioning why he would have seen any baby Jedi in the _Phantom_.

“Hey, just thought I’d ask.” Then Kanan left, closing the hatch behind him.

Ezra let go of the breath he was holding. He couldn't help the smile that broke out across his face.

The droid - Chopper - grumbled something about owing him. Ezra could only nod eagerly. “Yeah... I owe you one. Thanks.”

Chopper just grumbled something unintelligible before continuing his repairs, but Ezra didn't stop smiling. This droid didn't seem so bad after all. 


	21. Welcome to Lothal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ghost arrives on Lothal. Everything is so much better. And yet, the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm glad I mostly finished this chapter a couple weeks ago. It's been incredibly hard for me to work on this story since last week's episodes...

Kanan looked out through the helm at the blue and green planet. Of all of the worlds he had been to, this was among the more temperate. It wasn’t a desert planet, but also not a complete swamp. It had oceans, seas, plains, _and_ mountains. In his opinion, the more varied the better.

In the corner of his eye, he saw Ezra on his tiptoes as he tried to see over the dash. With a sweep of his arm, Kanan picked Ezra up and held him up against his chest. “Welcome to Lothal, kiddo.”

Ezra stared wide-eyed at the planet. Kanan knew he had been to a lot of different worlds while travelling with his relatives and wondered how this compared. “What do you think?”

His mouth opened and closed, his eyes glued to the planet. “It… It doesn’t _look_ like a mudhole…”

Hera chuckled from the pilot’s seat. “It’s actually the breadbasket of the region. A lot of food is grown on this rock.”

Ezra frowned. “B-Breadbasket?”

“It means they grow a lot of food for other places,” Kanan explained.

“Oh.” His frown deepened. “So… they’re important?”

“Very much so,” Hera replied. Then her voice lowered. “Even the Empire has taken an interest here...”

Ezra took a moment to consider that. “To civilize the people?” he asked innocently.

“Ezra,” Kanan replied. “Just because they’re from the Outer Rim doesn’t mean they’re uncivilized. Hera’s from the Outer Rim too, and she’s more civilized than the both of us combined!”

Ezra’s eyes widened at that. “You’re from the Outer Rim?”

Hera chuckled. “Of course. I’m from Ryloth.”

Comprehension spread over Ezra’s features. “Right, you’re an alien.”

Kanan blinked hard at that. He shouldn’t have been surprised that Ezra would make the distinction. After all, Ezra had been raised by racist Empire loyalists. “Just because she isn’t human doesn’t make her any different than us, Ezra.”

Sensing that he had said something wrong, he shrunk against Kanan’s chest. “I-I know… I didn’t mean it in a bad way!” He turned to Hera. “I don’t think you’re a dirty tailhead! I like you!”

Hera’s eyes widened before she broke out into a laugh. “I’m glad you like me, Ezra. But you shouldn't use that word. It's _very_ offensive.”

Ezra quickly nodded, hiding his face in Kanan’s neck in embarrassment. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“It’s okay,” Kanan said with a chuckle, placing a protective hand on the back of his head. “Just remember that - in the end - we're all just people.”

Ezra just nodded, face firmly plastered to Kanan’s neck.

His arms getting tired, Kanan sat down in the co-pilot’s seat. Ezra had definitely gained some much needed weight in the last year. Arranging the boy on his lap, Kanan watched as Lothal filled their view and the _Ghost_ broke atmosphere. Hera navigated them towards a remote region near a small town.

It was only when the _Ghost_ had landed and the engines powered down that Ezra peeked out of his self-sequestered hiding spot. “We’re here?” he asked.

“Yup,” Hera said as she finished the final landing sequence. “We’re here.”

With an unbridled excitement Kanan hadn’t seen before, Ezra crawled out of his lap and climbed down to the loading dock. By the time Kanan had caught up, Ezra was standing at the end of the open ramp, staring slack jawed at the tall grasses. “It’s so _empty_ ,” he exclaimed.

Kanan chuckled. Ezra made it sound like it was the most amazing thing in the universe. Ossus was empty too, albeit in a very different way. While plant and animal life was scarce, the area surrounding the Great Jedi Library was covered in rock formations, from the low canyon to the nearby mountains. This area of Lothal was one large plain, stretching out as far as the eye could see, with only a few large rocks dotting its expanse. So in many ways, it was featureless compared to Ossus. “I bet you could still give me a run for my money in Padawan Catch here.”

The first time they tried to play, Ezra hadn’t quite understood its purpose. In that, there was none. Kanan could sense Ezra in the _Phantom_ , but upon seen Chopper covering for Ezra, decided to let the game go on for a little longer. When he did come back to put an end to it, he had a child on the edge of panic on his hands.

Okay… So maybe he could have done a better job explaining that this was just a _game_. He just couldn’t quite believe that such a thing was necessary. Games were normal for children.

Correction: Games were normal for children who didn’t have _completely kriffed up childhoods_. And unfortunately, Ezra was not one of these children. Which meant it took Kanan nearly an hour to explain that this was just a ‘game’ and that it was literally impossible to get in trouble.

Now, he was relieved to see Ezra glancing up at him now with an almost mischievous glance. “Only if Chopper helps,” he said.

There had been a huge sigh of relief from both himself and Hera when they realized that Chopper had taken a strange liking to Ezra. Whenever the little human was around, he would suddenly develop a soft side. He might still shock and irritate Kanan, but Chopper had evidently decided to collude with Ezra in any potential escapades. Kanan suspected some serious threatening on Hera’s part was to blame. Either way, he was just grateful that Ezra had another guardian.

Speaking of, Chopper rolled up, ensuring Kanan that Ezra would be more than safe with him. (Soft side or not, Kanan was still nervous to let Ezra too far out of his sight). “You wanna play?”

“Only if it’s okay…”

“Of course it’s okay.” They weren’t here out of any necessity. Until he was comfortable with Ezra’s mental state, they were free to do as they wished. “There are fewer hiding spots here. How about I count for two standard minutes instead of one?”

Ezra immediately turned to Chopper. “That sound fair?”

Chopper replied negatively, estimating that the hiding opportunities were at least ten times as expansive as the _Ghost_ , so Kanan should have to count at least ten times as long.

“Hey! If there are ten times places to hide, I should have one tenth the time to find you!”

Chopper blew the droid equivalent of a raspberry. If no one else had been involved, Kanan would have kicked him out of pure spite. As it was, he was more than happy for Ezra to have an ally. “Let’s just keep it to a minute, ‘kay?”

He could sense Ezra’s hesitation. “J-Just a game, right?”

“Right.” Kanan rested a hand on his shoulder. “Just a game. Win or lose, it’s all for fun.” _No consequences, no punishments._

Ezra nodded with a smile. “‘Kay!” He ran out into the grass. “Start counting!”

Kanan closed his eyes. “One… Two… Three…”

It was not long after he reached a minute that Hera appeared beside him. “Having fun?”

He opened his eyes, his grin practically glowing as he looked out over the plains. “Ezra’s acting like a _kid_.” He chuckled skeptically. “And Chopper’s helping.”

“Good. I’d kill him otherwise.” Hera crossed her arms with a satisfied smirk. “I take it things have been going well?”

Kanan’s smile faltered. “Things have been… _okay_.” When he left Ezra on Ossus with Master Nu, he had thought it would be for the best. Who better to train and raise him? However, from what little Ezra has mentioned over the last few days, life with Master Nu was not what he had imagined it would have been. Ezra was still filled with insecurity and doubt, qualities he thought would have faded under her guidance.

“He’s been through a lot,” Hera said. “You can’t expect for everything to just go back the way it was.”

“I know that!” Kanan snapped, immediately regretting it. She was just trying to help. He closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh. “I wanted what was best for him. And yet, I still managed to make the wrong decision. Ezra might know more now and understand the Force better, but emotionally… he’s just as much of a mess as he was a year ago. If not even _more_ so.”

Hera let out a low hmm, indicating that she had something to say but wasn’t sure if she should voice it.

“What?” Kanan prompted.

“It’s just… Well… From everything you’ve told me, you _did_ leave him with a stranger.”

“She was a Jedi Master! One of the most revered teachers in the Temple! Who else could possibly be more qualified to teach him about the Force?”

“There’s more to life than just the _Force_ , Kanan! For someone who’s spent so much time running away from it, you should know that!”

Kanan scoffed. “Drinking and whoring hardly count.”

Hera rolled her eyes with an angry sigh. “I’m getting really tired of this self-pity transport you have yourself on…”

Kanan walked down the ramp, ignoring her. “I’m going to go look for Ezra.” He didn’t need this right now. He knew he had made the wrong decision. He didn’t need his partner reminding him.

Telling himself that he was playing a _game_ with Ezra right now, he started searching the vast grasslands. He avoided prodding their bond, knowing that would make it all too easy. Instead, he decided to rely on his gut. He trusted (hoped) that Chopper would keep Ezra relatively close to the _Ghost_ and started a standard search pattern. “Ready or not, Ezra!”

There was a small rustle in the grasses to the North, which made him smirk. “I wonder how I’ll ever find you out here…” he wondered out loud, making his way towards the rustle. Once he was close enough, he leapt at the moving patch of grass. A clang and a sharp stab of pain shooting through his head proved his gut wrong.

Chopper laughed at him, calling him gullible.

“Oh, can it.” Rubbing the sore spot on his head, Kanan stood, surveying the grasses around him. He used their bond only to make sure that Ezra was still in the area. “Alright then. Take two.”

* * *

Ezra liked Padawan Catch. Especially once Kanan explained that it wasn’t some sort of test. Kanan even promised that he wouldn’t use the Force to try and find him. So without that to worry about, it became way more fun to surprise Kanan from various parts of the _Ghost_. And the few times he had genuinely surprised Kanan, he was met with smiles and laughter. Kanan was having fun, too.

It was, frankly, amazing.

After a couple rounds of it on Lothal, Ezra noticed that his skin was starting to itch. And the grass was only making it worse. Kanan must have sensed how uncomfortable he was, because he stopped playing and marched Ezra up to the medkit, where he rubbed something on the more itchy areas. Then he insisted that Ezra focus on some education sims for now.

Ezra was way ahead of where he was a year ago, but still behind where he should be for a kid his age. Master Nu had tried to convince him that it was okay, that he was just ‘different’, but that didn’t seem like a good thing. At the time, Ezra had just added it to the seemingly unending list of reasons why Kanan had left him behind.

By the time Kanan came back to check on him, Ezra had finished two grammar lesson and an arithmetic lesson. “How’s it going?”

“Good!” Ezra brought up his progress list. “I did three lessons!”

Kanan leaned over, smiling at the list. “That’s good, Ezra.” He stood back up. “Have you seen Hera around?”

Ezra nodded, having had a brief exchange with her earlier. “She’s working on something in the engine room.”

Kanan nodded, looking distracted. “Okay…” He rubbed the back of his neck as he looked out towards the exit of the _Ghost_. “Listen… I’ll be back in a few hours, okay?”

Ezra’s heart sunk, his mind pulling back and recalling all the times Kanan had said that line before. He was going out to drink. Like reaching for a security blanket, Ezra reached for Kanan through their bond.

Only to find that it was muffled.

“Ezra…” Kanan placed a hesitant hand on his shoulder. “This isn’t because of you. It’s just because…” He paused, hesitating. “I’m not in a good place right now. Trust me, you don’t want to know what’s going on in my head, okay?”

This was not okay. Nothing about what was going on right now was okay. But he had promised. He wouldn’t be a burden. He wouldn’t cling to Kanan. So he nodded, knowing that was what Kanan wanted. “Okay,” he managed to squeak out.

Kanan’s grip on his shoulder tightened. “I won’t be gone long. I just… need to get my head straightened out. Then I’ll be back and everything will be fine.”

Their bond opened just a little, and Ezra could feel the whispers of something strange. It was an overwhelming need, tainted by some kind of… _hatred_?

“I… I just need to do this. Okay?”

Ezra forced himself to nod. There was something wrong about this. Where was this need, this hate, coming from? 

His nod was apparently enough for Kanan. His smile widened and he gave a supportive pat on Ezra’s cheek before walking out of the common room.

Kanan was leaving.

No, he wasn’t leaving Ezra _behind_. He was just going to be gone for a few hours. Stinking of alcohol and perfume and barely giving Ezra a second glance.

Ezra stared at the empty spot in front of him, trying to swallow down the lump in his throat. He felt as though the universe was trying to swallow him whole. He bit his lip when he realized his breathing was stuttered. He was okay. He would be okay. His body shaking, he turned back to the sim.

Better. He had to do better. He pulled up the next arithmetic lesson, reading the instructions.

Trying to read the instructions. The words were going in and coming right back out. Scowling, Ezra closed his eyes and shook his head in an attempt to banish the harsh buzzing in the back of his mind and the fog that tickled the edges of his vision.

It didn’t work. Opening his eyes, he forced himself to look at the screen again. Then his vision began to blur.

“No…!” Ezra pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, hard enough that he saw stars. He wasn’t upset. Nothing was wrong. He could be a good student.

This was stupid. It’s not like Kanan had never gone drinking before. It doesn’t _mean_ anything…

_Ezra yelped as Uncle Barnabas slammed a foot into his chest, pressing him against the floor. He knelt down with a snarl, the fetid smell of alcohol wafting over his face. “Gods, I can’t wait to finally be rid of you.”_

Ezra withered underneath his uncle’s oppressive gaze. Over and over again, he told himself that his uncle and Kanan were nothing alike. Kanan liked him, cared about him, _came back for him_ …

_Aunt Sarai sneered. “You really can’t do anything right, can you?”_

He can! He knows he can! Ezra slammed his fists on the holotable, practically growling as he forced his eyes open. He rubbed away the tears with the sleeves of his robes. “‘M not useless,” he mumbled to himself. “I’ll show them… I’ll show Kanan.” He took a deep breath and looked back at the sim.

“I can do this.”


	22. Demons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hera has had enough. It's about time she set these boys straight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The original title for this chapter was literally "In which Hera has finally had enough of Kanan’s crap."
> 
> I haven't updated in a while, and I'm sorry. The last seven episodes of the series really got to me. Kanan had lost all his spirit in my writing for a while there. Now I seem to be mostly back on track. Good thing too, because this chapter is desperately needed for Kanan and Ezra's development :)

It had only been yesterday that Hera’s injury had healed enough that she could remove the blasted sling. The wound itself still needed to remain bandaged, but overall it was healing much faster than a regular blaster wound. Now she was in the engine room catching up on some overdue maintenance. She had been in the middle of working on the discharge filter when Chopper suddenly rolled in, talking much faster than she was accustomed to. “Whoa, whoa! Slow down Chopper! What is it? What’s wrong?”

Chopper slowed down just enough to be coherent. The baby Jedi was upset, the stupid Jedi was gone, and he had no idea what he was supposed to do.

“Gone? What do you mean Kanan’s _gone_?”

Chopper practically growled. All he knew was that the stupid Jedi’s comlink was three klicks Northeast of their position. However, this was insignificant to the fact that the baby Jedi was sitting in the common area mumbling incoherently, and he seemed even more scared of Chopper’s presence than before.

That had Hera dropping everything. She ran to the common area to find Ezra staring at the educational sim, muttering under his breath: “I can do this, I can do this…”

“Ezra?”

He flinched violently, looking up at her with suspiciously wet eyes. “H-Hera…” he gasped. “I-I’m okay. Doing… this. I’m doing okay. I’m doing _better_ …”

“Ezra, love…” She knelt by the bench, trying to appear as non-threatening as possible. “What’s wrong?”

His eyes widened. “Nothing!” He turned back to the sim, rocking back and forth. “I’m okay… I’m okay…”

The way Ezra stared glassy eyed at the hologram, his incessant self-soothing, the denial that anything was wrong… Hera had seen it many times, but only in other adults. Veterans, mostly, who had seen too much on the field of battle but were loathe to admit any sort of weakness. To see the behavior in a child this young was both disturbing and heartbreaking. “Ezra, it’s okay be upset…”

Ezra immediately shook his head. “I’m okay,” he insisted. He was squeezing his left arm so tightly that his fingers were white with the pressure. “I’m not a burden. I can be good. I’m not _useless_!”

This needed to stop. “Where are you, Ezra?”

Ezra's head snapped in her direction. “W-What?”

“Where are you? Right now, tell me where you are.”

His eyes scanned their surroundings, his gaze clearing. “I’m… I-I’m on th-the _Ghost_.”

“Good. That’s good, Ezra. Where on the _Ghost_?”

“C-Common room.” His gaze settled on her. “I’m okay. I-I’m doing this…!”

“Ezra!” Hera barked, breaking him out of his psychosis. “Who am I?”

“I… You’re Hera,” he replied, as though it was obvious.

That was good sign. It meant he was calming down. She placed a hand on his knee, encouraged when he didn’t flinch. “Are you feeling better now?”

“I’m fine,” he said automatically. But then his eyes flickered to her face as he rubbed his hands together restlessly. “I-I mean…” His breathing was stuttered as he searched for his words. “’M sorry I bothered you,” he finally whispered.

“It’s alright, Ezra. We told you before, you can bother us anytime.”

Ezra looked away with a cringe.

“Chopper was worried about you.”

Chopper - who had been sitting on the other side of the doorway - suddenly rolled in, loudly proclaiming that he had _not_ been worried. He just didn’t know what to do when he saw Ezra acting so strangely. Especially since the stupid Jedi was no longer on the ship.

Hera frowned. In her rush to make sure Ezra was okay, she had forgotten that last part. “Ezra, do you know where Kanan is?”

Ezra stiffened, his shoulders hunching up. “He… he went out.”

“Went out? What for?"

To Hera’s shock, Ezra practically sneered. “He’s _drinking_.”

First there was disbelief. Kanan wouldn’t be drinking. He loved and worried about Ezra like his own son. He knew better than anyone that Ezra was in no condition to be left alone like this. Especially not to get  _wasted_.

Then there was anger. “ _What!?_ ” 

Ezra flinched, and his own anger quickly faded into apprehension as he looked up at the still glowing sim. “I can do better. I’m not dumb. I’m not _stupid!_ ”

There was nothing Hera could do about Kanan right now, but she could set a few things straight for this child. “Ezra, Kanan’s drinking is _not_ your fault.”

“B-But… he does it whenever I-I screw up…” 

“It’s not because of _you_.” Hera inched a little closer, moving her hand from his knee to his shoulder. “I know it’s hard to understand, but he does it because he’s upset with _himself_. He’s… trying to deal with some of his demons.”

There was an edge of doubt in Ezra’s eyes as he looked back at her. “D-Demons?”

“We all have parts of ourselves that we’d rather not think about. Voices in our heads pointing out all of the bad stuff in our life. And we all have to find ways to cope with them. Kanan’s method of coping is just… very poor.”

She watched as Ezra absorbed her words, seeing the gears in his head turn. “But he left!” he squeaked. “He left me, and I don’t understand _why…_ ”

Hera’s frustration with Kanan swelled. Had he not discussed this with Ezra? Hera shook her head in disappointment. “Kanan’s heart might be in the right place, but sometimes he’s just a complete and utter moron. Leaving you on Ossus being a prime example. I know it _killed_ him to leave you there, and I know it’s one of his biggest regrets.” These were really things that _Kanan_ should be saying to Ezra, but apparently he was too wrapped up in his own self-loathing.

“But…” Ezra crossed his arms across his chest protectively. “... he blocked me out. He wanted our bond to _go away_.”

Hera bit her lip. This was iffy territory for her. All she knew about their bond was what Master Nu had told Kanan. Ezra wasn’t wrong: Kanan had assumed their bond would go away if he cut himself off. But Kanan didn't do it for the reasons Ezra believed. “Do you want to know the truth, Ezra?”

He immediately nodded, his eyes bleeding desperation.

A part of her hesitated. She felt like this might be overstepping her bounds, but Ezra was drowning in doubt and fear, and kriff it, Kanan had his chance to do this himself. “Kanan blocked the bond because he hates himself.”

It was almost comical how wide Ezra’s eyes got. “I… what?”

“It’s those demons of his. They crawl up all inside of him and tell him he’s a bad person. Soon enough, he looks in the mirror and that’s all he can see.”

“But he’s _not_!”

“I know that, Ezra. But that’s the thing about demons: they’re insistent. They get into your head and use your own voice, so you think there’s no way they could be wrong.” Hera placed her hands on Ezra’s shoulders, forcing him to face her and hear what she was saying. “Kanan loves you, Ezra. He might not say it, but I know it’s true. But because he hates himself, he thought breaking your bond would free you from _him_. It had nothing to do with your or your abilities. It wasn’t because of anything you had done.”

The tears welled in Ezra’s eyes as she spoke, finally spilling over by the end. “Do… Do you r-really th-think so…?”

“ _Yes_.” Gently placing a hand on his back, she pulled him into a light embrace. Ezra leaned into it, resting his forehead against her shoulder and grasping at her overalls as hiccuping sobs shook his body. _Oh, you poor child…_ She wrapped her arms loosely around him. “Just let it out, love…”

It took a good half hour for Ezra’s sobs to reduce to stuttering sniffles. At that point, it was well past time for dinner. “Lets get some food in you.”

Ezra wiped his nose off on his sleeve. “Is K-Kanan back?”

Hera hands clenched into fists, but she made a point to keep her anger tamped down. Ezra was overwhelmed as it was. “Not yet, Ezra. But let’s eat and hopefully he’ll be back home by the time we’re done.”

Her attempt to be chipper didn’t seem to work. Ezra just stared despondently at his sleeves as he picked at the seams. With a soft sigh, Hera stood to make some food.

The rest of their evening was quiet. Chopper had tried a few times to tease Ezra, but backed off when Ezra either didn’t respond or flinched back from the droid. Hera wished she knew what was going through the boy’s head. She felt like she had made a breakthrough, maybe gotten him to realize that Kanan’s problems were his alone. But maybe not.

Ezra was almost finished with his dinner before he spoke again. “I wanna help.”

Hera raised an eyebrow. “Help with what?”

“Kanan’s demons… I wanna help get rid of them.”

She smiled sadly. “I do, too.” She leaned forward and lowered her voice in a fake conspiratory tone. “How about we make a deal.”

“A deal?”

“Yeah. If Kanan is about to go out and drink, then you come and  _get_ me. We’ll work together to get him to stop. That also means you need to find the courage to _ask_ him to stop. Kanan doesn’t want to hurt you, and I bet he’ll think twice about drinking if you speak up. But you have to promise me something, Ezra.”

Ezra rubbed his eyes with the back of his knuckles. “What?”

“You have to promise that you'll never to blame yourself for whatever Kanan does.”

Ezra shook his head with a small frown. “But… but what if…”

“No buts, Ezra. It’s part of the deal.”

He blinked tiredly at her, considering her words, before he finally nodded. “Okay.”

At this point it was about Ezra’s bedtime, so she guided the exhausted child back to Kanan’s room and helped him to into his bunk. Once he was settled and sleeping peacefully, she cleaned the kitchen before grabbing a datapad and sitting in the docking bay. She was going to make damn sure that she was the very first thing Kanan saw when he got back.

It was past midnight by the time Kanan returned. To her mild surprise, he wasn't as drunk as he had been a week ago (although that was an awfully low bar). He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw her. “Hera?”

She placed her datapad aside. “Kanan. How was your evening?” Her anger was thinly veiled, and she hoped that he could feel every drop of it with those Jedi senses of his.

Kanan looked somewhere between sheepish and guilty as he took a small step back. “It was… fine.”

“Oh, that’s good. I’m glad to hear it. I hope it was worth _terrifying your padawan over!_ ”

His eyes widened in alarm. “Ezra? Is he okay?!” He was about to run past her when she caught his arm.

“Oh, no. You’re not going _anywhere_ until we have a long-overdue chat!”

“But Ezra - ”

“... is asleep.” Hera yanked him forward and shoved him onto the nearest crate. “You’ve done enough damage for one night.”

“Hera,” he said pleadingly. “I didn’t even have that much to drink…”

“Oh, that is _so_ not the point…”

“Then what’s the point?”

“You mean besides the fact that it’s only been a week since we rescued Ezra, and he’s _terrified_ that you’re going to abandon him again?”

Kanan cringed, cowing under her ire. “Hera…”

“How about the fact that you never explained to him why you left him on Ossus? Or why you blocked your Force bond? My Goddess, Kanan, have you even _apologized_?”

“What? Of course I have!” But then he frowned. "At least, I'm pretty sure I have..." 

Hera rubbed her temple as she grit her teeth, promising herself she would not kill this man. “You need to get your act together, Kanan. In case you haven’t noticed, you have a child that needs you now.”

“You think I don’t know that!? You don’t think I’m painfully aware that Ezra has to make do with my sorry ass as a guardian and teacher!? He spent a year with one of the best Jedi Masters in the galaxy, and now he’s stuck with _me_.”

“You think Ezra _cares?!_ You think he gives a single flying kriff that you might not be the ‘best’ teacher?! It’s so obvious that he just wants _you_ , and you refuse to see it!”

Kanan flinched. “Th-That doesn’t change the fact that…”

“No! Stop, just _stop!_ I’m not going to hear it, Kanan! You are _not_ going to use your self-pity to justify doing this to Ezra. You just came back into his life, and you thought it would be okay to disappear on him again?!”

“I didn’t disappear on him! I _told_ him I would be gone for a few hours.”

Hera let out an exasperated sigh. “And again, you miss the point…”

Kanan threw his hands in the air. “I don’t know what you want from me, Hera!”

“I want you to stop drinking! I want you to realize you’re not as useless as you think you are! And I want you to pull your head out of your ass and realize that you’re not just a master to Ezra! I’ve only watched you two together for a few days, but it’s so obvious.”

“What’s obvious…?”

“That you love that boy, and he very clearly loves you back.” Kanan squirmed, looking uncomfortable with the description. “Oh come on! You have that bond with him, right? Not to mention the normal Jedi-sensing-stuff... Can’t you _feel_ it?”

Kanan slumped, letting out a defeated sigh. “Of course I can…” His brow was furrowed slightly as he gazed into the middle distance. “But he’s also afraid of me,” he said quietly.

Hera shoved a crate over so she could sit down next to him. Clearly this bond of theirs didn’t tell them everything. “He’s not afraid of _you_ , Kanan. He’s afraid that he’s a burden, that’s he’s not good enough. And he’s afraid that you’ll leave him again if he doesn’t do better.”

“How do you know that?”

“Because I’ve talked with him.”

“I’ve talked to him,” Kanan said defensively.

Hera sighed. “I know. But Ezra’s not going to tell you these things. Not when he’s convinced that everything bad is his fault. He even blames himself for your drinking.”

Kanan looked pained at that. “It has nothing to do with him.”

“I know that. I _told_ him that, but frankly, it doesn’t matter. This stops _now_ , Kanan Jarrus. You’re are _everything_ to that child, and you are going to start act like a kriffing adult.”

“I know.” Kanan buried his face in his hands. “I know.”

He said that, but Hera wasn’t sure how serious he actually was. “I mean it. If I find you sneaking off to get drunk again, I’m taking Ezra and leaving you behind.”

Kanan glanced at her, his expression blank. “I’d be able to find you,” he says dully.

“You’re good, Kanan, but not track-the- _Ghost_ good.”

“I’d be able to find Ezra.”

“Maybe so. But who knows; maybe you'd actually get your act together in the meantime.”

They sat in silence. At this point, Hera’s anger was gone, replaced with calm resolve. Kanan knew he had karked up. More yelling wasn’t going to be productive.

“I know I need to stop,” Kanan suddenly said. “But every time I think about all of the _kark_ Ezra’s had to go through, everything I _put_ him through this last year, and how unprepared and unqualified I am to help him deal with _any_ of it?” He buried his face in his hands again with a growl of frustration. “And I know that going off and drinking only makes things worse, but _Force_ is it so much easier than having to look at that kid’s face knowing he deserves so much better than me.”

Hera had to break through this wall of self-pity. Otherwise, this conversation was going to go nowhere. “Kanan, do you have _any_ comprehension of the good you’ve _already_ done for him? And I’m not just talking about he basics like food and shelter.” Hera started counting out on her fingers. “You went out of your way to save him from his abusive relatives; you took care of him instead of just dumping him off at the nearest orphanage; you help him with his nightmares; you actively support and comfort him _all the time_.”

“I left him behind,” Kanan added, his voice cracking.

“Yes… you did. But beating yourself up over it isn’t going to change anything. You were trying to give Ezra a better future. You didn’t know this bond of yours was unbreakable. And you had _no_ way of knowing the Inquisitors would attack Ossus. The only _real_ mistake you’ve made is thinking you’re somehow not good enough to raise Ezra. And that, in turn, has led to some of the… _poorer_ decisions you’ve made.”

“In what galaxy am I good enough to raise a child? I have no idea what I’m doing!”

“Newsflash: _No one_ does. Look, the other day, you asked _me_ for advice on how to help Ezra. But I’m not a parent; I’m not any more qualified to raise a child than you are.”

“You’re way more mature than I am.”

Hera closed her eyes with a sigh, taking a moment to find the right words. “At the end of the day, Kanan, you need stop all of these comparisons and what-ifs. You can spend the rest of your life sitting around and drowning in your guilt and self-pity… Or you can finally acknowledge all of the _good_ you’ve done and see all of the good you can _still_ do. You loveEzra. You want to give him a good life, and you're willing to make sacrifices to make sure that happens. What more does a child need?”

Kanan looked down at his hands, which were shaking with fine tremors. “Someone who doesn’t drink all the time.”

“Ah, good. Now you get it.”

Kanan squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head. “I just wish I could get myself to _stop_. I feel like I _need_ it, and it’s so _infuriating_. I know that my drinking is destructive. I _hate_ myself with every step I take towards a bar, with every sip I take… and yet I still can’t stop myself.” His gaze met Hera’s, his eyes narrowed and slanted in uncertainty. He had never looked so lost. “I just don’t know what to do.”

The declaration was a pained whisper, and Hera could clearly see the internal struggle between the person he was and the demons he’s carried around for years. “What you have is an addiction, Kanan, and there are many ways to treat it. Acknowledging that it’s a problem is a good first step. We’ll take it one day at a time, and we will _deal_ with it. And you better believe I’m going to be here every step of the way.”

Kanan clenched and unclenched his fists spasmodically. Hera could see the lump in his throat bobbing as he swallowed nervously. “I want to stop,” he repeated. “For Ezra, if nothing else.”

“That’s another thing…” Hera added gently. “You need to realize is that this bond of yours doesn’t tell you everything. After talking with Ezra, it obvious to me that you’re both only half-understanding each other. You need to actually talk _with_ him. Ask him questions, even the hard ones. I think then you’ll see just how much good you’ve done that boy.”

It was a promising sign when Kanan listened to her instead of rebuking what little praise she gave. “I’ll… I’ll do my best.”

“That’s all I can ask.” Hera stood, placing a hand on Kanan’s shoulder. “Now get some sleep. I imagine you’ll have a lot to think about tomorrow.”

Kanan nodded, lost in his own thoughts. Hera forced herself to leave, to go back to her cabin and leave things be for now. Kanan needed to figure these things out on his own. And hopefully, he would finally find the strength to cast away his demons and be the father that Ezra so desperately needed.


	23. The Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan and Ezra have a much needed discussion.

Hera might have tucked him into bed, but Ezra had not fallen to sleep. His body was trembling from excess anxiety, tensed and curled on his side as if instinctively anticipating a beating. He didn’t even know _why_ he was expecting to be punished. There was just the normal insistent thrum in the back of his mind that he must have done _something_ wrong. No matter how many times he told himself that Kanan (and probably Hera) wouldn’t hurt him, he couldn’t fully convince himself. In an effort to ignore his fear, he instead focused on the conversation he had had with the Twi'lek earlier.

Ezra had thought he knew why Kanan blocked their bond. Ezra was such a poor student that Kanan wanted Master Nu to teach him instead. As much as it hurt, it made sense. But then Hera had cast doubt on this reason.

 _“Kanan blocked the bond because he hates himself. He thought breaking your bond would free you from_ **_him_** _."_

Did Kanan really hate himself? It was a mind-boggling concept. Kanan was amazing; he was strong, smart, and kind. It didn’t make sense for _anyone_ to hate him (except maybe for the Empire who hated all Jedi, but Ezra was starting understand that the Empire was stupid and evil).

Ezra also remembered how adamantly Kanan had insisted he wasn’t a Jedi. He remembered the nightmares Kanan would have and how quickly he brushed them off when he would wake up. He remembered Kanan drunkenly holding him, repeating over and over again that he was sorry and that he had ‘kriffed up’. He remembered the uncertainty, guilt, and hatred he sensed as Kanan went off to drink.

It all matched up with what Hera was saying, and it made Ezra _hurt_. Physically hurt in the center of his chest in a way he was unaccustomed to. It was the pain of knowing the person you loved was suffering, and it sparked a desire to stop that suffering. And if that meant that Kanan would stop drinking… then that was even better. Because every time Kanan left to drink, it filled Ezra with dread. He didn’t like the man Kanan became. He was a zombie, barely even acknowledging Ezra’s existence. In the early days, Ezra had feared being kicked out onto the street. And now, well... if Ezra were being honest with himself, he was still terrified that a drunk Kanan might abandon him again… or finally give him the beating he deserved.

It was reassuring, if surprising, that Hera had been furious when she discovered where Kanan was. She didn’t like his drinking either, and that meant that Ezra wasn't completely alone. But even with her support, he didn't think he had the strength to hold up his end of the deal. Especially not the part about talking about it with Kanan directly. She seemed to think that Kanan would reconsider drinking if Ezra just _asked_  him to stop, but… If Kanan wanted to go out, why would he listen to some worthless brat?

If these demons really were the reason behind his drinking, then it made sense that the only way to help Kanan was to get rid of them. Unfortunately, Ezra didn’t really understand what they were. They sounded like creatures in Kanan’s brain, whispering lies and making him feel bad about himself. How was Ezra supposed to help Kanan get rid of these demons when he couldn’t see or hear them himself?

There was a sudden pressure against Ezra’s mind, like someone pressing a finger against his brain. As it slowly increased, Ezra realized he was sensing Kanan getting closer. Kanan was on the ship, slowly climbing up to their cabin. A moment later, the door whooshed open. Ezra was only able to make out Kanan’s silhouette before the door closed behind him. He didn’t look like he was stumbling or swaying. Maybe he hadn’t had that much to drink.

Ezra slammed his eyes shut as Kanan walked toward the bunk. He emptied his mind and tried to pretend to be sleep. He heard Kanan stop, standing so close he could feel the man’s body heat. There was a long bout of silence before Kanan placed a hand on Ezra’s shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze. “Hey kiddo…” he whispered, the smell of alcohol making Ezra’s stomach clench painfully. “You’re shaking. Did you have a nightmare?”

Upset that his rouse failed, Ezra shook his head. The last thing he wanted to do right now was bother Kanan more than he had to.

Kanan let out a small sigh. “You stayed up waiting for me, didn’t you?”

Ezra didn’t respond, the disappointment in Kanan’s voice making Ezra curl tighter in on himself. He knew Kanan didn’t like it when he didn’t go to sleep at a ‘decent hour’, and yet he still disobeyed him like the useless little freak he was…

“Hey, it’s okay,” Kanan assured. “You’re not in any trouble.”

Unable to see him very well, Ezra hesitantly reached for Kanan through their bond. He was still a little muffled, but the shield was thin and weak. It was so tempting to just push through and make contact, but Ezra reminded himself not to be a burden. Even if Kanan wasn’t mad, there was no reason for Ezra to try his patience.

“We need to talk… But it’s late.” He gave Ezra’s shoulder one last squeeze. “And you need to sleep.”

Ezra wanted to ask what they needed to talk about, but unconsciousness had begun to pull heavily on his eyelids. He muttered a small _‘kay_ , staying awake just long enough to hear Kanan kick off his boots and strip off his belt and gun holster before falling into his bunk below.

His dreams started out peaceful enough. They were a strange collage of memories, mostly from the halls of the Great Jedi Library. Kanan was there in a lot of them. He was by Ezra’s side, teaching and guiding him, while Master Nu was organizing data. It was all perfectly normal.

They were sitting at Master Nu’s holoprojector. Kanan’s arm was loosely hanging over the back of Ezra’s shoulders as they looked over the educational sim that Ezra was working on. It was an arithmetic lesson that focused on word problems. While he was doing okay with the normal math, he was really struggling with translating these word problems into that same math. “I think I’m dumb,” Ezra murmured.

Kanan gave his shoulders an affectionate shake. “You’re _not_ dumb. It’s normal to struggle. It’s part a of learning.”

Ezra’s eyes narrowed into a glare. “Learning is dumb.”

Kanan laughed at that. “At some point I’ll explain what irony is…” He leaned forward, nodding his head at the current problem. “What don’t you understand? Are the words just confusing you?”

Ezra nodded, diverting his gaze away. He didn’t know why he found the problem confusing. These word problems were dumb anyway. Why would anyone who already had eight meilooruns ask for another nine then give twelve away? What did one person need so many meilooruns for? Why would they _give_ more than they asked for? If the sim wanted to test his math, why didn’t it just ask another math question? This was a math sim, not a Basic one!

Kanan gave his shoulder a squeeze. “It’s alright. Let’s just work through this step by step. I’m sure if we…”

His voice died off, and Ezra looked up to see what had caught Kanan’s attention. He was taken aback when he found that Kanan was staring straight at him, his blue-green eyes wide in abject fear. “Kanan…?”

Kanan reached for Ezra, his expression seemingly frozen, and stroked the back of Ezra’s head. Pulling his hand back, Ezra let out a strangled noise when he saw blood. In a moment of panic, he reached for his head, searching for the injury, but felt nothing. Looking at his hands, they came back completely clean. What was going on?

“No…” Kanan looked about ready to throw up. His hands were suddenly all over Ezra, frenzied as they searched every inch of his body. “Nononono… Ezra, don’t do this to me!”

“D-Do what?!” Ezra tried to push Kanan’s hands away, scared and disturbed by his unguarded panic. “Kanan, what’s going on?”

“Please… please, Ezra…” Kanan’s voice was filled with desperation, and it paralyzed Ezra in horror. He had never seen Kanan with so little control. It didn’t make any sense. Kanan was never afraid. Not like this.

Then his hands were on Ezra’s arms like vices, his voice on the edge of desperation. “I can’t lose you! Please don't _do this to me!_ ”

Ezra’s eyes snapped open as the fear and guilt slammed into him like a punch to the stomach. He tried to make sense of what had just happened. Had that all been a dream?

Then he heard a small groan from below. It was accompanied by wave of grief that wrapped around his chest and yanked painfully. Ezra looked down over the edge of his bunk and saw Kanan’s face twisted in distress, his head rolling from side to side restlessly. He was having a nightmare.

Throwing his blanket off, Ezra climbed down and knelt by Kanan’s side, hesitantly placing a hand on his shoulder. “K-Kanan? Kanan, wake up. I-It’s okay, now.”

Kanan let out another groan, wincing at something Ezra couldn’t see. “No…” he mumbled.

Ezra smoothed back the loose strands of greasy hair, trying not to cry at the sight of Kanan so distressed. It scared him, and he wanted it to stop. “Y-You’re safe… everything’s okay…”

It wasn’t helping. In fact, Kanan was becoming more restless by the second. In a last ditch effort to get the nightmare to stop, Ezra reached across their bond. It was completely unguarded, but Ezra was met with a maelstrom of dark thoughts. He took a deep breath, silently asking for help from the Force. Then he punched through the chaos, using their bond to guide him to the center of it all where Kanan’s mind resided.

Kanan snapped into consciousness with a gasp, violently shoving Ezra out of his mind and physically knocking him backward. Kanan sat up, his eyes immediately zeroing in on the boy.

Ezra quickly sat up, nervously reaching for him. Kanan was wide-eyed, his fear dampened but still present. “A-Are you - ?”

Without an ounce of grace, Kanan scrambled off his bunk and fell to his knees with a muted clang. “You’re okay. You’re okay, you’re okay, you're okay…” he muttered breathlessly. His hands frantically searched Ezra’s body, probing him from head to toe. Through their bond, Ezra could feel a gentle nudge in contrast to the frenzied pat down.

Confusion edged with a bit of panic rose up in Ezra. He had no idea what was going on. The only time he had ever seen Kanan frightened was their last night on Yabol Opa. At the time, his fear had been because they were in danger, about to be hunted down by the planet’s law enforcement. Now, Kanan felt similar, but Ezra knew they weren’t in any danger.  

This must have been a _really_ bad nightmare.

Kanan’s panic eventually faded, but in its wake, Ezra felt it again: the hatred. “You shouldn’t listen to them,” he said quietly.

Kanan blinked. “What?”

Ezra shifted nervously from foot to foot. “The demons. You shouldn’t listen to them. They’re mean and they’re wrong.”

Kanan just stared at him, and Ezra looked away, hoping he hadn’t said anything wrong. Then Kanan let out a huff that took a moment for Ezra to realize was a small laugh. “You’re probably right,” he said quietly. Ezra glanced back up and saw that Kanan was looking to the side with a small smile. “My demons _are_ mean.” Then his smile faded. “And so are yours.”

“Mine?” Ezra didn’t have demons. There were no creatures in his head telling him he was a bad person.

“You’re a good kid, Ezra. You’ve got a good head and a good heart. You’ve helped me in ways you'll never know.” Kanan gave a strained smile. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Ezra could feel the truth of his words - how much Kanan meant them - but… Ezra still couldn’t quite believe them. It was hard. They went against everything Ezra knew. He was a waste of credits. He was useless and a poor student. A slimy, dumb freak. These were just facts

Still… it was nice that Kanan didn’t think so.

Kanan let out a sigh. “We both have a long way to go. We both have our issues - our demons - to deal with. And I still have my drinking… which has _nothing_ to do with you.” He gave Ezra a small shake. “I’m sorry that I do it. I’m sorry it makes you so uncomfortable. I’m going to try to stop but…" He sighed. "It’s hard to explain. The important thing is that it’s not your fault. It’s not because of _you_.”

“It’s because of the demons,” Ezra stated.

“Yeah… it’s because of the demons.” Then Kanan raised a hand to press it against Ezra’s cheek, looking at him in earnest. “You have to understand, Ezra… Everything I’ve done, I’ve done  _for_ you. I didn’t even _want_ to leave you on Ossus. I-I just thought I was doing the right thing. I thought you were better off without me.”

“I wasn’t,” Ezra instantly replied. “I… Master Nu tried to teach me. But I didn’t want her. I-I just wanted you.” He started babbling, thoughts bubbling out after simmering in his brain for so long. “She said I needed to let go, but I couldn’t. I was a bad student, a-and I think Master Nu didn’t like that I was there, I know P3 didn’t, but I didn’t care. I just wanted you to come back and then you did, but I didn’t know why, and I’m sorry you’re stuck with me now, I’m sorry I’m useless, and…”

Kanan cut him off with a firm grip on his shoulders, waves of calm flowing from his side of the bond. “Hey, you are _not_ useless, and I _want_ to be stuck with you.” He closed his eyes with a sigh, shaking his head. “I came back because Master Nu asked me to.”

Ezra crossed his arms across his chest, a pit forming in his stomach. It was true. Kanan only came back because of Master Nu. He didn’t come back for _him_.

“... She helped me realize that you're _mine_. My padawan. The Force brought us together and gave us this bond. I might not deserve it, but the Force… it’s giving me a second chance. And I screwed it up by pushing you away.”

Ezra frowned. Kanan… was admitting that he screwed up? That leaving him behind was a mistake?

Kanan’s grip tightened on Ezra’s shoulders. “Please believe me: I didn’t want to leave. I regret it, probably more than I have ever regretted anything in my entire life. I am so _sorry_ … for everything I’ve put you through.”

The pit in his stomach suddenly loosened, and Ezra slumped as hot tears fell silently down his face. Kanan pulled Ezra toward him, letting the boy rest his forehead on his shoulder. Despite the anxiety still thrumming in both of them, the warmth and scent of Kanan’s body soothed Ezra’s mind. He assured himself that it was okay to be here, leaning against Kanan. He wasn’t clinging to him, so Kanan wouldn’t get annoyed with him… right?

Ezra had almost entered that dazed state between dreams and reality when Kanan suddenly said, “We need to go to sleep.”

An echo permeated through Ezra’s mind: “ _Get off of me, you parasite._ ”

Ezra flinched and tore himself from Kanan’s arms. Don’t be needy, don’t be clingy, don’t be a burden…

“Ezra?” Kanan’s eyes went wide with alarm as he raised a hand toward him. Over their bond, Ezra could already feel Kanan trying to soothe whatever was going on. “What’s wrong?”

Ezra shook his head. “Nothing,” he replied. He had indulged himself enough. No need to get selfish.

“Ezra…” Kanan said knowingly. “Please don’t hide from me. Please don’t _lie_ to me.”

Ezra cringed. “I… I’m okay.” He convinced himself that this was true. He _would_ be okay.

Kanan looked pained as he sat back and lowered his hand. Through their bond, he could feel Kanan gently probing it. Not breaking through just… there.

At this point, Ezra knew he couldn’t hide. “I _will_ be okay.”

Kanan slowly nodded. “But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re afraid right now.”

Ezra squirmed under Kanan’s gaze. Of course he could sense his fear.

“Ezra… What are you afraid of?”

Without his bidding, the words were dragged out of his throat, each one harder than the last. “I’m… a-afraid… afraid of…” He had to be honest. He had to be obedient. “Of m-making… you a-a-angry. Of a-annoying you.” He kept his arms wrapped tightly around his chest and his eyes downward, focusing on a dark scuff on the floor. He didn’t look Kanan in the eye or to seek him over their bond. He was afraid that he would find that his fears were true, that Kanan had just been really good at hiding it, that -

“Is… Is that why you’ve been afraid to hug me? Afraid to come to me? You thought you would be annoying me?”

Closing his eyes, Ezra nodded, his entire body painfully tense. His voice was a barely audible whimper as he laid out his greatest fear. “I-If I’m bad, y-you’ll leave again…”

_Ezra cried out as his head snapped to the side with the sharp blow. He looked up through tears to see his aunt glaring down at him. “You’re as useless as your parents…”_

Warm hands suddenly pressed against either side of Ezra’s head, accompanied by a soft gentle buzz that encompassed the painful memory and blurred it out. More tears slipped free as Aunt Sarai faded, her voice deconstructing into white noise and the slippery rot at the core of the memory slowly washing away.

One hand remained against his head as an arm wrapped around Ezra’s back and pulled him up against Kanan’s chest. “I’m not going anywhere,” the older man mumbled, his breath warming Ezra’s hair. “No matter what happens, I’m not leaving you again.”

Ezra wanted to believe that. More than anything.

“And I will _never_ push you away. A hug is such a small thing. I will always be here to give you one. You just need to ask.”

With the implicit permission, Ezra unwrapped his trembling arms from his chest and wrapped them around Kanan’s middle, gripping the back of his sweater. As he did, small tendrils of reassurance curled around the knots of painful tension that littered his body, unwinding the tightness and coaxing his muscles to relax. Kanan began to rub small circles into his back, and Ezra buried himself into the familiar earthy scent, his body bonelessly leaning against him. His tears were being soaked up by the fabric of Kanan’s clothes, and he was brought back to the early days. Those dozens of times Kanan would hold him like this, assuring him he was safe now... and Ezra believing him.

It was good to be back.

As the tension and anxiety faded, sleep began to overcome him. He tried to resist being pulled under, but Kanan’s arms tightened around him as he whispered, “ _Sleep_.”

And he did. For the rest of the night, he slept dreamlessly. The few times he climbed back into consciousness, he was only aware of a warm body beside him, a comforting arm around him, and a friendly presence gently pushing him back into slumber.

* * *

Kanan did not go back to sleep. He spent a great stretch of time just holding Ezra as he slept peacefully, safe in his arms. He was emotionally drained, but his mind was too loud to even consider the option of sleep.

Ezra really was a good kid. Too good for the likes of him. But he would be damned if he just sat back and let Ezra drown in his fear and uncertainty, which is what he had been doing this last week. He had spent so much time feeling sorry for himself that he hadn’t noticed what it had been doing to this child. Hera was right: he needed to get his head out of his ass and get his act together. He was a kriffing adult, and if these last thirty minutes had shown him anything, it was that Ezra needed him.

Just look at the difference he had been able to induce with just a gentle touch and a few words. Ezra had gone from a tight ball of tension, lost in echoes of the past, to relaxed in Kanan’s arms. Their bond provided a convenient way for Kanan to attack the poisonous memories directly, like it had a year ago on Yabol Opa. Now, Kanan fully intended to take full advantage of it.

It was obvious, if he thought about it objectively. Ezra trusted and knew Kanan better than anyone. Logically, he knew children needed stable environments and reliable guardians. Ezra had never had either. Not really. The year he spent with Master Nu was the closest... except Ezra hadn't felt safe with Master Nu. His fear that she didn't want him prevented that. Even if it wasn’t true - even if Master Nu really did like having Ezra around - Ezra hadn’t _felt_ secure, and that was what really mattered.

Kanan would never forgive himself if let his insecurity keep him from giving Ezra a safe home to thrive in. 

Right here. With Kanan. This was where Ezra felt safest. It was where he _belonged_. He knew Ezra’s psychoses wouldn’t go away with just a few words and a hug. Kanan knew how deeply the abuse and trauma had embedded them into his mind. It would take years of steady and safe reassurances to undo all of the damage. It would be hard, but Kanan was up the task. He would make sure of it. And with the voice of reason that was Hera, he knew he should find the strength to be the master Ezra needed and deserved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this marks the end of Part I. Originally I was going to make this the ending of the fic as a whole, but I have waaaay too many ideas going forward. It also doesn't feel quite right to end it here. While Kanan and Ezra have a much better understanding of each other, they still have so much more to work through (and the rest of their family to find) before it's truly the end. This is, however, the end of what I have outlined and drafted. 
> 
> What that means is that I'm going to be gone for awhile while I outline and draft future chapters. I've already outlined the next ~4 chapters, but I want to have several chapters drafted/edited before I start posting again (I had this fic drafted through chapter 13 before I started posting). 
> 
> So this isn't the end of the fic, but it is the start of a hiatus. I need to catch up on some real-world responsibilities as well. I'm hoping by the beginning of summer I'll be able to re-start my regular postings. 
> 
> Stay tuned, and thank you everyone for your kudos and great comments. They mean the world to me :)


	24. Snapshots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snapshots of the Ghost crew's life on Lothal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... I'm not BACK back, but I figured I'd at least give you this chapter. I wrote this up ages ago. It makes for a good stop-gap while I continue to work on the story.

_Cooking_

Generally speaking, spaceports didn’t have the greatest selection of food beyond rations, dehydrated vegetables, and meal supplements. Kanan had only been on Hera's ship a month before he insisted she eat some real food. They had stopped at Uyter, and Kanan managed to scrape up enough ingredients to pull of his version of Chalactan cream curry. It wasn’t quite as rich as he remembered Master Billaba’s curry being, but it had been good enough that Hera officially made Kanan the ship's cook. That is, when they had access to affordable ingredients.

That one of the great advantages of sticking around on an agricultural planet: there was no shortage of fresh and cheap produce. Even the meat was reasonably priced. They couldn’t afford to eat freshly made meals every day, but Kanan made a point to do so at least three times a week. Especially for Ezra’s sake.

It had been during one of their little question and answer sessions that they got on the topic of food. Ezra had asked what Kanan’s favorite food was (the answer was space waffles, _real_ space waffles made from scratch), which led Kanan to ask Ezra the same.

“Eggs,” Ezra had immediately replied.

Kanan had raised an eyebrow skeptically. “Really?”

“Yeah! They’re gooey and warm… and you let me eat as much I want!”

Kanan had just smiled and the conversation moved on, but Ezra’s answer had really bothered him. While it was endearing, it was also incredibly sad. The eggs Kanan had made for Ezra on Yabol Opa had been nothing except bland piles of mush. Definitely not worthy of the mantle of ‘favorite food’.

So he had new short term goal: show Ezra a variety of other foods that are much more deserving of the title. While he was at it, he could show Ezra a thing or two about cooking.

Ezra became Kanan's official taste tester. He would either sit on a box or on the counter (when Hera wasn’t around) as Kanan walked the kid through some of the basics.

Hera, for her part, was thrilled by the sudden influx of freshly prepared meals. Well, except for that night he attempted to make rycrit stew. It was a common Twi’lek dish that his creche friend Sammo Quid had taught him to make. Sure, it wasn’t made from actual rycrit meat, but Kanan knew he nailed the flavor profile! But no, according to Hera, it just wasn’t quite right.

“My friend Sammo said I make great rycrit stew…” Kanan mumbled.

“Was this Sammo even a Twi’lek?”

“Yes!”

“Well, he was wrong.”

Oh well. Even if he hadn’t impressed Hera, at least Ezra seemed to enjoy it. The kid wasn’t picky, that’s for sure.

Two weeks and half a dozen different meals later, Kanan was excited to see how Ezra’s opinions had changed. “So, what’s your favorite food now?”

Ezra raised an eyebrow in confusion. “... eggs.”

“Really?” He would never admit it, but Kanan was a little disappointed. More disappointed than he thought he would be. “You didn’t like any of the other food we’ve been eating?

Ezra shrank in on himself a little. “I-I liked _all_ of it. But…” He looked down at his hands, picking at his cuticles restlessly. “I don’ know… It’s dumb…”

Kanan placed a hand on Ezra’s shoulder, trying to keep the kid from retreating from him. “What is it?”

“... Your eggs make me feel happy…” he finally mumbled, refusing to look Kanan in the eye.

 _Your eggs_. Kanan suddenly realized that it had never been about the taste. It had been about the memories.

Kanan didn’t stop cooking, and Ezra continued his role as taste tester. But now it was just for the joy of cooking and eating together.

* * *

_Maintenance_

Hera wasn’t sure when it started, but maybe a month or so after landing on Lothal, she realized that she had a little follower.

It was usually while she and Kanan were doing maintenance on the _Ghost_ and _Phantom_. Kanan was responsible for the more aesthetic side of things (cleaning, scrubbing, polishing, etc) while Hera focused more on the inner workings of the ships themselves. Once or twice a week, they would sit Ezra down with either an educational sim or a holoshow and get to work. Usually, it would only be about half an hour before Ezra would get bored or antsy and run off to either play with Chopper or follow Kanan around like a lost tooka cat.

At some point, Ezra apparently got tired of following Kanan around and instead began to follow Hera. However, unlike with Kanan, Ezra kept his distance and never said a word. He would just stare wide-eyed at whatever Hera was working on. The first time Hera noticed it, she turned around and smiled at him. “Hey there, love.”

Ezra let out a little squeak and ran away, which was slightly puzzling. Ezra had no problem talking to her at other times. He might not be nearly as open or relaxed with her as he was with Kanan, but he had never been actively afraid of her. At least, not anymore.

The next few times she caught Ezra following her, she forced herself to ignore him. She didn’t mind the company, silent and nervous as it was. By the fourth time, Ezra had started to sit closer to her, still laconic but seemingly spellbound by the electronics and diagnostics. By the fifth time, Hera decided to try and talk to him again. She held up the board she was currently testing. “It’s pretty neat, isn’t it?”

Ezra flinched at the break of silence but didn’t run away this time. His eyes flickered between Hera and the board before settling on the ground in front of him. He gave a small shrug.

Hera patted the ground next to her. “Come here. I can show you how it works.”

He squirmed uncomfortably. “I-I don’t wanna bo- ”

“You’re _not_ bothering me, Ezra.” She patted the floor again. “Come here.”

Still looking uncertain, Ezra scooted forward until he was sitting just out of arm's reach of her. Hera leaned over to give him a better look at the board. It probably looked complicated to someone inexperienced, but it was actually one of the simpler relays. “This board is used to tell the _Ghost_ when we’re running low on tibanna. When the canister reaches a certain pressure, it sends a current through here.” She pointed at the voltage source. “That current then goes through this filter…”

As she was talking, she realized that Ezra probably had no idea what she was talking about. Still, he kept rapt attention, his body edging closer to her as his gaze carefully followed her finger. By the time she was done, Ezra was sitting right next to her. “What’s that?” he asked, pointing to one of the components she had skipped over.

“That’s a capacitor,” she said with a smile. “It’s part of the filter.”

Ezra nodded, and she could practically see him mulling her words over in his head. “Hera?”

“Yes?”

“... What’s a current?”

That was the beginning of a very basic electronics lesson. Which was the start of a series of lessons where Hera taught Ezra about various parts of the ship. Honestly, Hera thought Ezra would get bored of it after the first couple since she could tell that most of it was going waaay over his head. To her surprise, he seemed more and more excited with every lesson, if nervous when he had trouble recalling facts and details from week to week.

She was curious to see how long this lasted.

* * *

_Reading_

Ezra often had trouble sleeping. Surprising? No. Disheartening? Yes. Kanan had a system of sorts for helping him, but even with their bond, sometimes it just wasn’t enough.

It was only on really bad days that Ezra would curl up next to Kanan to sleep from the get-go. Most nights, Ezra started out in his own bunk. Then, maybe eighty percent of the time, he would have a nightmare. Half of those times, Kanan was able to to coax him back to sleep through their bond, maybe with a comforting hand on his head. The other half ended with Ezra nestled in Kanan’s arms for the rest of the night.  

Then there were the _really_ bad nights. The nights where seemingly nothing Kanan did could get the kid to relax. He’d curl into a tight ball against Kanan’s side, trembling and unresponsive. The truly terrifying part was the absolute _silence_ on Ezra’s part. He could be crying, his mind practically screaming with fear and other ugly emotions the boy experienced all too often. Yet he refused to utter a single sound, despite all of Kanan’s reassurances and gentle mental nudges.

It was on these nights that Kanan himself would fill the silence. Holding Ezra close, he would mutter stories into his ear. At first, he recited myths and legends that had been told to him by his creche masters. When he ran out of those, he would tell stories from his childhood in the Temple (always in the third person, always about the overeager youngling known as ‘Caleb’). When he got tired of telling _those_ , he began reading children’s stories downloaded from the holonet onto his datapad. He didn’t know how much Ezra actually heard, but eventually, the boy would relax and finally fall asleep.

Every night, he made sure the datapad had a fresh story loaded and placed it next to his bunk. He didn’t need it often, but it made him feel better knowing he was prepared.

Then one night, _he_ was the one with a nightmare. Okay, it was multiple nights, but he had gotten better at hiding them from Ezra. He spent many hours meditating to ensure that his mental shields remained up while he slept. The kid had enough nightmares without also experiencing Kanan’s secondhand.

Anyway, this nightmare had been bad enough that it had him jerking awake with a strangled cry. By the time Styles and Grey’s voices had faded, he found himself sitting up in bed, his breathing labored as he tried to pull himself back into the here and now. The haze of fear still clouded him, still made his body shake. He closed his eyes and curled into himself as he tried to calm his trembling and push the fear away.

A moment later, he realized he could hear mumbling.

“... _and w-when the dust settled, she saw the en… enor… en-or-m… ous st-tatue…_ ”

Kanan peeked out over his arm and saw the dull glow of the datapad. Lowering his arm, he was greeted with the silhouette of Ezra’s head. The boy was leaning back against the bunk. “... _the gold had worn and the sap… sap-phire…”_

Kanan placed a hand on Ezra’s shoulder. Stopping mid-sentence, Ezra looked up to see Kanan looking down at him with a small smile. Then Ezra placed the datapad aside and practically jumped into Kanan’s bunk, wrapping his arms around Kanan’s neck.

Kanan gave Ezra a tight hug, silently reminding himself over and over that everything was okay now.

* * *

_Drinking_

It was maybe an hour or two before sunset. Hera was sitting in the cockpit, reading the regional news while she waited for the diagnostic to finish running. Of course, all of the news was biased for the Empire, but that didn’t mean you couldn’t still glean bits of true information. At the very least, it was informative to know _how_ the Empire was spinning local events.

The door opened, and she looked back to see Kanan walking in. “Hey, where’s Ezra?”

“He’s working on his sims.” Kanan sat in the copilot’s chair. His expression was uncharacteristically flat. “He’s making good progress. We’re going to need to find new ones soon.”

“It’s going to be difficult to find any that aren’t Imperial propaganda. And he’s at that age where he’d be susceptible to it.”

Kanan frowned slightly. “His aunt and uncle have already seen to that.”

That was true. It was startling every time Ezra would suddenly spout a line of bigotry. He was such a sweet child, but growing up with Imperial sympathizers definitely left their mark on him. It had been a challenge for both her and Kanan to gently correct the boy without making him think he was in trouble.

“‘Sides, the math sims don’t really have much propaganda,” Kanan went on. “And I’ve already been helping him with his Basic and history. It helps that his knowledge of astrography is scary detailed.”

That was when Hera noticed Kanan’s hand tapping incessantly against the side of his leg. Eyeing the man more critically, she realized that his entire body was tense, despite his slumped posture. His gaze was glued to the viewport, and he sounded distracted. “Kanan, is everything alright?”

His tapping stopped as he glanced at her, but then he returned his gaze forward and his tapping continued. “I’m fine. I’m happy that Ezra’s progressing well.”

That could not have sounded more forced if Kanan had tried. “Kanan…”

He closed his eyes and sighed. “I’m alright. I’m just… going to sit here. And ignore the urge to go out.”

Ah. So that’s what this was about. “Have you… been having the urge a lot?”

Kanan gave a bitter laugh. “I always have the urge. Sometimes it’s just stronger than others.”

Hera tried not to let her sympathy show, but it was hard. She honestly couldn’t even imagine something consuming her life like that. _Always_ have the urge to drink? It sounded like an exaggeration, though she knew intellectually that it wasn’t. “Well, you’ve been doing a good job resisting it.”

Kanan cringed, turning his head away from her slightly. “Not as well as you think…” he murmured.

… Oh.

“Well, at least your resisting it _now_.”

Kanan gave a tired sigh. “I suppose so.”

Hera leaned over and placed a hand over his to stop his nervous tick. “Do want to talk about it?”

He fixed his gaze on her hand. A moment later, he turned his hand over and gripped her's tightly. “Not particularly.” Then, a few moments later, he said, “Don’t have Chopper search my room. It won’t help.”

Hera tried not to outwardly respond, because that was essentially what she had planned on doing. If Kanan was going behind her to drink alcohol, then she wanted to make sure he wasn’t doing so on her ship.

Then again, Kanan was clever. Even if she had Chopper make regular sweeps of his room, he would probably figure out a different place to hide his alcohol. Or find other ways of drinking without bringing it on board to begin with. So not only would Kanan lose what little privacy he had at this point, but it wouldn’t actually solve the problem at hand.

She just wished she knew how to help Kanan kick this poisonous habit. At the moment, she was doing almost nothing, and it made her feel frustratingly useless.

“Okay,” she eventually replied. “I’m here if you need anything.”

He smiled, giving her hand a squeeze. “I know.”

* * *

_Hair_

Kanan didn’t know which was funnier: Ezra being weirdly insistent that, no, he does _not_ need a haircut, or the uncomfortable look Hera was giving them as he gave Ezra said haircut. “Why, Captain Syndulla! You look like you’ve never seen a human getting their hair cut before.”

“I haven’t,” she said bluntly, still looking uncomfortable as she leaned against the doorway into the cargo hold.

Ezra was sitting on an empty crate with a bed sheet wrapped around his neck to catch the stay bits of hair. He was squirming, looking almost as uncomfortable as Hera while Kanan methodically worked through his hair. At one point, Ezra reached up and pulled some of the strands down over his face. “Not too short…” he practically whined.

“Don’t worry,” Kanan said, amused. “I’m just taking off the dead ends. No more than an inch. I swear.”

Hera sighed, her expression just on this side of a cringe. “Like, I know you don’t actually have any nerves in your hair… But you’re still cutting off a part of your body.”

“It’s not any different than fingernails.” Kanan ran his fingers through Ezra’s hair, separating out a layer between two fingers before trimming it off. The fact that Ezra kept wincing with every snip probably wasn’t helping Hera’s impressions. Kanan was trying to calm Ezra’s agitation through their bond, but it didn’t seem to be helping much.

When he finished, he brushed away the bits of hair that were stuck to his neck before taking the sheet off and shaking it out. “Alright, kiddo: we’re done.” Ezra immediately ran his fingers through his hair, pulling it down over his face and making Kanan chuckle. “Still long enough?”

Ezra nodded before running off to the refresher, no doubt to check out the new haircut. It honestly wasn’t that much different. Whereas before it was brushing the top of his shoulders, now it hung just past his jawline. He just looked a little less like a wild child.

Kanan offered the scissors to Hera. “Will you do me?”

Her body stiffened. “ _You_ want _me_ to cut your hair?”

“Sure. I mean, I _assume_ you’re up for the task…”

Hera’s eyes narrowed at the challenge. She walked up and practically snatched the scissors out of his hands. “Gimme those!”

Smiling, Kanan pulled the tie out of his hair and combed out the knots before sitting down on the crate and wrapping the sheet around him.

Now Hera was looking down at the scissors nervously. “Are you sure? I don’t want to screw up your hair…”

“With my hair as long as it is, it’s hard to screw up.” He took her hand and pulled off her glove, guiding it to his loose hair. “Feel how it’s rougher at the ends?”

Hera combed her fingers through his hair a couple times, rubbing some of the strands between her fingers. “Yeah…”

“That’s the part you need to cut off.”

Hera still looked skeptical but nodded. “Alright…”

Very slowly, she started cutting off the ends of his hair. Kanan kept still, trying not to smile as he realized it was going to be a bit uneven. Not that it would matter that much since he kept it up ninety-nine percent of the time.

Hera was about halfway done when she asked, “Who usually cuts your hair?”

“Oh, I usually do it myself.”

She paused. “Then why are you having _me_ do it?”

“It’s not easy to cut your own hair, even when it's long. Might as well get someone else do it if given the chance.”

There was another moment of silence before Hera resumed her work. “I think you just wanted an excuse to get me to touch you.”

Kanan raised an eyebrow. He hadn’t, actually, but it was definitely a plus. He resisted the urge to look up at her with a cocky smile. “Looks like my brilliant plan worked. As always.”

He could practically hear her rolling her eyes. “Please. Your plans fail, like, half the time.”

“That’s not true!” He paused. “Okay, _maybe_ they fail about twenty percent of the time.”

“Eh, more like forty percent.”

“Twenty-five.”

“... Are you really bargaining over this?”

“Yes!”

* * *

_Work_

Ezra kicked his legs back and forth off the edge of his bunk, picking at the edge of his fingernails and trying not to check the chronometer every ten seconds. This is the first time he’s been left alone in months. Well, Chopper was there so he wasn’t _technically_ alone, but knowing that didn't really help.

He had heard Kanan and Hera fighting about it the other day. From what Ezra could hear, it started with Kanan yelling a definitive ‘ _No! No way!’_ at Hera, followed by the Twi’lek’s calm explanation that they were almost out of credits and that this job would get them on the good side of a local smuggler named Vizago.

“Why do we _both_ have to go? Why can’t you just take Chopper?”

“Apparently the target has robophobia. No droids allowed on his property, so Chopper would stick out like a sore thumb.” Hera’s tone turned reassuring. “It’s a milk run, Kanan. It’ll take us a few hours, tops.”

Kanan let out a long sigh. “Why can’t we get, I don’t know, _normal_ jobs here on Lothal?”

“We tried, remember? Unfortunately, there aren’t even enough jobs for the locals, let alone two off-world strangers.” There was the rustling of fabric as someone moved. “I don’t like it either, Kanan, but we _need_ the money. And once this Vizago meets us and verifies that we’re reliable, we’ll have more bargaining power over what kinds of jobs we do for him.”

Kanan had not been happy. Even though he tried to block it, Ezra could feel his uneasiness through their bond. But he eventually agreed with Hera. At the time, Ezra didn’t really understand what that meant. If they needed credits, Ezra didn’t understand why Kanan would be so resistant.

Then, that night, Kanan explained what was going to happen.

It had not been a good night. There weren’t any nightmares. You have to fall asleep to have nightmares. He just plastered himself firmly in Kanan’s bubble of _comfort_ and _safety_ while he told himself over and over again that Kanan wasn’t leaving him. Not for good.

It helped that Kanan had been so reluctant to leave. He kept stalling. Making excuses. Fussing over Ezra’s clothes, food, _everything_ more than normal. Kanan didn’t _want_ to leave. That reassured Ezra that he would be coming back.

However, it was still hard to watch the _Phantom_ fade into the distance. Chopper’s insistence that he and Hera have succeeded at much more dangerous missions didn’t make him feel better.

Kanan sent Chopper a couple updates at first. The last update was a short holo of Kanan telling Ezra that he would be going silent for a few hours.

That was six hours ago.

Ezra wasn’t sure what he had meant by a ‘few’ hours but this felt too long.

A few times, he reached for Kanan over their bond. The first time, he felt Kanan reach back for just a moment before a mental shield came crashing down. Every attempt since had been met with that same shield. Ezra tried not to think too much about it. He clung to how much Kanan wanted to stay earlier. But the ongoing silence was just strengthening the sickly tendrils rolling around in his belly as he imagined the worst.

Then Chopper suddenly came rolling up, repeating ‘ _Hey!’_ over and over again. Ezra turned to him and Chopper displayed another holo.

 _“Hey kiddo! Job’s done. Was a little hairier than we were expecting, but it all turned out well enough! We’ll be back on the_ **_Ghost_ ** _in about an hour.”_ Kanan gave a small scowl. _“You better have eaten dinner_.”

The holo ended, and Ezra ran past the droid. “Let’s go, Chop. I gotta eat before they get back!”

After an hour passed with no sign of the _Phantom_ , Ezra began to pace restlessly around the common room. Finally, half an hour later than expected, he heard the  _Phantom's_ engines and the clank of clamps as the shuttle docked to the _Ghost_. Ezra jumped up and stood at the bottom of the ladder, jumpy and eager.

The hatch above opened, and Kanan slid down the ladder and turned to Ezra. “Hey kidd-”

Ezra barralled into him, wrapping his arms around Kanan’s middle as tightly as possible. “You’re back,” he said, his voice muffled against Kanan’s clothes.

Kanan chuckled, placing one hand on Ezra’s back and the other on Ezra’s head. “Yeah kiddo. We’re back. Did you eat?”

Ezra nodded, refusing to let go.

There was a clang beside them, and Ezra peeked out just enough to see Hera looking down at him with a smile. “Hi, Hera,” he mumbled.

“Hey Ezra. Did you have a good day?”

He nodded again, Chopper adding his own thoughts in the background. They were back. They were okay. Everything was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so my progress on this story is slower than I had anticipated. While I have pretty much finished the outline for the rest of the story, I've been slow to draft up chapters. I blame grad school and wedding planning. 
> 
> I'm on tumblr under the username LessAttitudeMoreAltitude. I mostly just hyper-analyze Rebels and occasionally rant about how little progress I've made on The Undeserving, but at least you know I'm trying to work on it XP


	25. Scars I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hera and Ezra go shopping, and old memories rise up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so talking it over with a few people on tumblr, it seems that people prefer I just post chapters as I complete them. So I'm not going to be posting regularly, but I am basically back now.
> 
> WARNING: Ezra suffers a flashback of his abuse in this chapter

**One Year Ago**

They were on a planet called Corsin, located on the Hydian Way. Master Nu was meeting with someone who likely had an old Jedi artifact she had been looking for. She didn’t give Ezra any details, and Ezra didn’t ask. Honestly, he didn’t care. They only reason she brought him along was because she refused to leave him alone on Ossus. Ezra didn’t know which was worse: being left all alone in the vast maze that was the Great Jedi Library, or being stuck in a small ship with Master Nu and P3 for hours.

Now, standing at the edge of a children’s playground, Ezra found himself wishing Master Nu had left him in the Library.

“I won’t be gone long,” she said. “P3 will stay here with you.”

Ezra nodded, his arms crossed and his shoulders hunched up. There were a dozen or so other children running around and screaming, several of them climbing on strangely shaped levitating structures. He’s seen places like these before, but his aunt and uncle never let him _or_ Sarah play on them. “C-Can't I s-stay on the sh-ship…?” he asked tentatively.

Master Nu went to place a hand on his shoulder, but he shrugged away from her. She let out a tired sigh. “It’s not healthy for you to be alone all the time. You should be engaging with children your own age.” She eyed him critically for a moment. “You need to let go of your fear, youngling. I promise, you’re perfectly safe here.”

Ezra nodded, feeling no less nervous.

Master Nu turned to her droid. “Let me know if anything happens, P3. I’ll be in contact once I’m done.”

And then Ezra was alone, standing at the edge of this little park. P3 had rolled over to join a few other droids sitting off to the side. They were presumably the guardians of some of the other kids. There were also a few adults, mostly human except for one yellow Twi’lek male. None of them paid Ezra any mind.

Then one of the children, a human girl with pale skin and floppy red curls around her face, suddenly ran up to him. “Hey! Wanna play ‘Sheev Says’ with us?”

Ezra stiffened, taking a step back. “W-What?”

The child frowned, raising an eyebrow. She glanced back at two other kids - who were watching them from a distance - before looking back at Ezra. “‘Sheev Says’. You wanna play?”

Ezra had no idea what ‘Sheev Says’ was. Was it something he was supposed to know? Why was she asking anyway?

Her frown deepened, her confusion loudly pressing against his mind. “Are you okay?”

With some effort, Ezra swallowed down the lump in his throat before nodding. He just wanted to go back to the ship, but he had no idea where the ship was. Besides Master Nu told him to stay here, and she'd get mad if he disobeyed her. But what if he attracted too much attention to himself? She'd probably get mad if he caused a scene... 

The girl suddenly leaned in, her eyes narrowing. She was several inches taller than Ezra and practically toward over him. “What’s that on your face?”

Ezra automatically wiped his face with his hands but couldn’t feel anything there. What was she talking about?

Then her eyes widened. “Are those _scars_?”

Ezra’s chest tightened, making it almost impossible to breathe. The tips of his fingers lingered on the bumps and divots littered around his left eye.

“Chori!” The girl pulled back from Ezra, looking over at the adult who had called out to her. “Leave the boy alone! If he doesn’t want to play, he doesn’t want to play.”

“Okay, Mom!” She gave Ezra a small apologetic smile. “Sorry.” Then she ran back to her friends.

Terrified that some other kid might come up to him, Ezra cautiously inched along the edge of the park until he spotted a tube that led to a system of other tubes at the base of one of the structures. The other kids didn’t seem to have any interest in it, so Ezra dashed in, curling up at one of the bends. It was dark, but it was also out of sight, the screams and chatter of the other kids muffled and far-away sounding.

He pulled his legs up to his chest and closed his eyes, burying his face in his arms as he rocked back and forth. He wanted to be a different person. A person who was normal, a person who knew how to do things right, a person who wasn’t both utterly terrified of people and so incredibly lonely… A person other people wouldn’t mind keeping around.

A sob ripped through him as memories of Kanan flashed in his foremind. He quickly shoved them back down, determined to forget him.

Ezra hiccuped, hitting the side of his head with his fist. Why did he have to be _him_?

* * *

**Present Day**

“Hmm…” Hera knelt in front of Ezra, poking at his sleeves. “You’ve almost grown out of this, buddy.”

Ezra sniffed as he glanced down at his tunic. It was the one Kanan got for him on Yabol Opa. At the time, it had been too big. Ezra grabbed the sleeve and tried to tug it down. He hadn’t even noticed that the sleeves didn’t quite reach his wrists anymore.

Standing back up, Hera looked at what credits she had left with them. “This should be enough for some new clothes for you.”

“I'm okay…” Ezra mumbled, still yanking on his sleeve.

Hera chuckled. “Ezra, you’ll be walking around naked soon enough if we don’t get you new clothes.”

The tone was teasing, but Ezra grimaced at the thought. That sounded awful. “O-Okay,” he said.

He followed Hera deeper into the shopping district. This was his first time leaving the _Ghost_ without Kanan, and it was going well so far. When they first got the Lothal, Ezra hardly left the ship at all. But a couple weeks ago, Ezra decided that he needed to stop being such a scared little sewer rat. 

The first few excursions off the _Ghost_ had been with Kanan, and they only went to Jalath. There weren’t very many people and the Imperial presence was scarce. Ezra had learned to relax, to let go of Kanan every now and then to explore up ahead of him.

Today, Hera had announced she was going to Capital City to look for a few ship parts they needed. Kanan hadn’t been feeling too well the last couple of days, so he said he was staying in. That was when, by some lapse of sanity, Ezra volunteered to go with her instead. He almost immediately regretted it, but he shoved that regret aside. He could be brave. He wanted to prove to them and himself that he could do normal things.

Hera and Kanan had exchanged a look before Hera agreed. Kanan didn’t say anything one way or another, but Ezra could tell he was agitated. “I’ll be good,” Ezra assured him.

“I know you will.” He placed a hand on Ezra’s back. “Just remember to stay close to Hera.”

Ezra nodded eagerly, pushing down his rising apprehension. “I will!”

And he has. They took the _Phantom_ and parked it in one of the smaller landing bays before making their way to the city’s main square. There were dozens of stalls, most of them selling food, but a couple were selling technological odds and ends. Hera grabbed Ezra's hand before walking into the square. It wasn’t as crowded as Shulstine V, but it was definitely more bustling than Jalath. People were also… tenser… here. Ezra’s mental shields were pretty solid at this point (Master Nu made sure of it before their first trip off Ossus) but he could still sense the discontent rumbling throughout the city.

Ezra kept his breathing even, telling himself over and over again that he was doing good. Even if his head was muzzy and there was a faint painful pressure on the side of his head, like the tip of a needle slowly being pushed into his brain. This had been a challenge, and he was passing. So far. He just had to keep his head down and hold on to Hera’s hand.

They walked toward downtown. The stalls disappeared and were replaced by long stretches of building where small stores sat side by side. Hera led Ezra into one of these stores that featured children’s clothing. “See anything you like?”

There were several racks of clothes, all holding a variety of styles and sizes. It was not nearly as big or fancy as the stores his aunt had dragged him to when shopping for Sarah, but it was still a lot. Especially since they were there for _him_.

“Ezra?”

He looked up, then realized he had plastered himself to the Twi’lek’s side. He immediately stepped back, hating the way his body suddenly felt cold, even as his face burned. “S-Sorry.”

“It’s alright.” Hera was smiling as she knelt down next to him, completely unfazed by his behavior. “It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Let’s just start simple. What’s your favorite color?”

“Orange…”

She raised her eyebrow. “Really?” She tugged on the edge of his tunic. “I bet you’ll be glad to be out of these boring brown clothes then.”

Ezra squirmed. Sure, they were boring and a bit ripped up, but… “Kanan got these for me.”

Hera’s smile faltered, making Ezra even more uncomfortable. But she didn’t seem angry. Instead, she smiled again, her eyebrows slanted sadly. “Well, I’m sure he won’t mind if you get some new clothes that actually fit.” She put her hand out, standing once Ezra grabbed it. “Let’s see if we can find anything in orange.”

Most of the clothes were in natural colors: black, brown, off-white, a bit of muted green and blue… But there was _one_ orange outfit. It was in the back of the store, buried behind several other outfits of the same style but different colors.

“How about this?” Hera asked as she held it out in front of him. “Bit big, but you’ll grow into it.”

Ezra pinched the fabric of the sleeve between his fingers. The material was coarser than his current robes, but he did like the color. It was bright and pretty. “I like it.”

“Do you want to try it on?”

That had Ezra frowning. “T-Try it on?”

She pointed to the corner of the story, where there was a large mirror and a thick curtain. “Yeah. We should probably make sure you’re not absolutely swimming in it.”

Why would he go swimming in it? He wasn’t able to voice this question before Hera handed the outfit to him and gently nudged him towards the curtained area. “I’ll be right out here if you need anything, okay?”

Ezra could do nothing but nod as Hera closed the curtain, leaving him alone with the clothes and the mirror. He looked down at the bundle of fabric in his hands, momentarily lost. It’s not like he didn’t understand what Hera wanted. He remembered Sarah changing clothes in stalls like this one, walking out with a smile and twirling about while Aunt Sarai complimented her or fussed over little details.

He swallowed down the lump in his throat. He didn’t think he would be able to walk out and act like that. Hera wasn’t a fussy person anyway. The point was just to make sure he… wasn’t going to go swimming in it?

With his back to the mirror, Ezra placed the orange outfit down on the ground and started to take his clothes off. Whatever the reason, if Hera wanted him to try it on, then he would do just that.

He had just stripped off his undershirt when he happened to make eye contact with his reflection. He froze. It had been months… years?... since he had last seen his reflection. He might have caught brief glimpses of himself in windows and durasteel but not with an actual mirror. He was too short to use the ones in most refreshers, and he had never gone out of his way to look. He never felt the need to.

Looking at his half-naked body now, Ezra was struck by how weird he looked. He wasn’t as skinny as he used to be, but his bones still stuck out sharply. His eyes were big and kind of bulgy. And then, of course, there were the marks that marred the side of his face.

“ _Are those_ **_scars_** _?_ ”

His eyes drifted to his middle, where a section of his back and the dozens of pale crisscrossing lines were visible. On autopilot, his hand brushed up them, his finger ghosting over the jagged bumps.

Suddenly he could hear his aunt’s scathing voice, the crack of the switch filling the air around him. _“How_ **_dare_ ** _you hurt my daughter! Filth! Freak!”_

Ezra gasped as a sharp, almost numbing agony blossomed across his back. Terror had him clapping his hands over his mouth. He had to stay quiet. Making noise will just make them angrier. He squeezed his eyes shut and fell to knees, pressing his forehead against the ground as the echoes only got louder and louder. His uncle’s hands were on his shoulders, pinning him down to the table as his aunt punished him. He could feel the skin on his back splitting open almost as keenly as the day it had happened.

A small distant part of him knew this wasn’t real. It _couldn’t_ be. He was safe on Lothal, with Kanan and Hera and Chopper… but it was drowned out by this all too vivid echo, his terror and confusion threatening to swallow him whole.

A gentle touch on his shoulder violently pulled him back into reality. A strangled yelp tore out of his throat as he jerked away from the touch, instinctively crawling away from it. His back hit a corner and he cowered against it. His eyes were open, but his vision was blurry. Was he crying? That was bad. Crying got him into trouble. His best bet was to just accept his punishment as quietly as possible…

“-zra…! Ezra!” The voice was a distorted version of his aunt's, but that didn’t make any sense. Aunt Sarai almost never called him by his real name. He blinked a couple times, clearing away the tears until his eyes could focus on the green figure kneeling in front of him.

Green? Aunt Sarai wasn’t green.

“H… H-Hera…?”

Hera’s relief was palpable as she slumped. “You with me now?”

Ezra nodded, his body still trembling and aching as the echo continued to bounce around in his head. Truth be told, he wasn’t quite sure what she was asking. He was here with her, but... where was here?

“Is everything alright, ma’am?”

It was an unfamiliar voice attached to an unfamiliar alien, and the gravity of the situation slammed down on Ezra. He pressed the heel of his hands against his eyes, desperately trying to hide from the world. He had promised to be good. He had told himself that he could do this, that he could do _normal_ things, and here he was sniveling like a useless freak. This man was going to get mad, then Hera would get mad and punish him, and then Kanan is going to be so disappointed in him and - !

“Ezra!” A pair of hands wrapped around his wrists. These hands were smaller than Kanan’s and covered in leather. “It’s okay, sweetheart. No one’s going to hurt you…”

Ezra’s hands were gently pulled down from his face. He looked down and saw that his arms were trembling. His breathing was ragged and lined with whimpers. Then one of the gloved hands slowly reached up to cup his face. Ezra twitched slightly at the contact, but then leaned into the soft leather. It was surprisingly warm. “‘M sorry…” he managed to whisper.

“You don’t need to apologize. You’re not doing anything wrong…”

Ezra shook his head. That wasn’t right. All he wanted to do was to prove that he could be normal, and he couldn’t even look at himself in the mirror! He hiccuped as another sob bubbled out of him.

Then he was pulled up against a warm body, the hand on his face shifting to the back of his head as an arm wrapped around his back. “Shh, Ezra, it’s okay. You’re safe, love…”

It was easy to curl up against the Twi’lek’s chest. She was rocking him back and forth, and Ezra closed his eyes as he slowly relaxed against her. She was smaller than Kanan. This hug was nothing like Kanan’s body-encompassing ones. Instead of the warm glow of Kanan’s Force signature, there was the cool wisp he now associated with Hera's presence.

The first time Hera had comforted him - a few days after Kanan saved him from Ossus - it had been scary. He had never felt safe with anyone but Kanan before. The idea that there was anyone else out there that would _want_ to comfort slime like him was unfathomable. Even as he had cried in her arms, a part of Ezra was just waiting for the Twi’lek to get annoyed and shove him away or scold him.

Now though, Ezra knew that Hera genuinely wanted to comfort him. In a lot of ways, she was easy to read. She didn’t try to hide her emotions. At the same time, she also didn’t really hold on to any of them. It was like the surface of a vast ocean, mostly calm with violent tumults that disappeared almost as fast as they came.

Hera was very, _very_ different from Kanan. But comforting all the same.

Ezra's crying eventually calmed, leaving stiffened tear tracks down his cheeks. Hera pulled back, placing her hands on either side of his face and wiping the tracks with her thumbs. “Feeling better?”

He gave a small nod, but then he realized he wasn’t so sure. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled, keeping his gaze downward.

“It’s alright, Ezra… You just had a little panic attack. Nothing we can’t deal with.”

The use of the words ‘just’ and ‘little’ sounded like lies in Ezra’s ears. He glanced up in the direction the man had been standing before. “D-Did I make ‘im mad?”

“No one’s mad, Ezra. Just worried.” She smooths a hand over Ezra’s hair. “Do you want to talk about what happened?”

Ezra shook his head, wrapping his arms across his chest. That was when he realized that he was still shirtless and his scars were out and in the open, and Hera had never seen them before and now she could and…

“Ezra? Ezra, breathe!”

Hera’s hands were on his shoulders, the leather of her gloves rough but not uncomfortable against his skin. She was looking at him earnestly, her worry and fear plain to see. Ezra managed to breathe evenly again as he took Hera in. She wasn’t staring at his scars. She must have seen them, though. Right? Even if his back was to the wall, there were ugly scars on his arms and stomach too. But she hadn’t brought them up. There was no confusion or disgust, no staring, not even a mention of them.

Feeling a little calmer, Ezra glanced over to his tunic which was resting on the floor next to Hera. Seeing this, Hera picked it up and handed it to him. He held it to his chest with trembling hands. “I-I’m sorry…”

“For what?” Hera asked softly.

“I-I didn’ try on th-the clothes…”

Hera waved him off. “It’s fine. I’m sure you’ll grow into it. Put your clothes back on, I’ll pay for this, then we can go back to the ship. Okay?”

Ezra immediately nodded, relieved that they were going back to the  _Ghost_. They still had to walk back to the _Phantom_ through crowded streets and loud vendors, but Ezra could be good. He just had to stay close to Hera and not cause anymore trouble.

If she had been Kanan, Ezra would have grabbed a loop on his belt and held on for dear life. As it was, he just stood very close to Hera as she paid for the clothes, keeping his gaze fixed on the ground. Then there was a hand on his shoulder, and he looked up at see Hera. Her worry thinly veiled beneath the surface of her smile. She offered him her hand. “You ready?”

Relieved by the offer, Ezra grabbed it with both hands, holding it tightly before nodding.

Hera kept a quick but steady pace as they walked back to the shuttle. Ezra tried not to think about anything, keeping his gaze on Hera’s hand and focusing on keeping up with her. The rest of the world didn’t exist as long as he didn’t look at it.

The world suddenly got much darker and colder, the dull thuds of shoes against duracrete changing to the sharper clangs of durasteel. Ezra blinked at the sudden change and looked up, realizing they were in the _Phantom._ Ezra let go of Hera and went over to one of the pull down seats as she put their purchases aside and began the start-up sequence.

The flight to the _Ghost_ was short, and Ezra could feel the excess anxiety slowly fade away now that they were away from the crowds of the city. By the time they docked, Ezra found his voice again. “I’m sorry f-for making a scene, Hera.”

“It’s alright, love.” Hera was suddenly kneeling in front of him. “There was no harm done.”

She reached for Ezra, but he flinched back, the memory of his aunt’s hand gripping his arm and dragging him somewhere private to give him the beating he deserved rearing its ugly head. 

Hera drew her hand back, looking a little disappointed. She opened the hatch that led down to the _Ghost_. “Let's go see how Kanan is doing.”

Ezra nodded and climbed down into the Common Room. He looked back and forth, a little disappointed that Kanan wasn’t right there. Poking at their bond, Ezra found that it was unresponsive, as if Kanan was asleep. But then Ezra frowned, realizing he also sensed that Kanan was in the kitchen. 

Kanan was asleep in the kitchen?

It was a strange thought, but Ezra didn't pay it much mind as he quickly ran to the kitchen door. He just wanted Kanan to hold him and reassure him that everything was okay. That he wasn’t in trouble, that he had done good…

The door automatically opened and Ezra froze in his tracks. All of the sound in the world - the wind blowing past the ship, the whirring and beeping commonplace on all ships - had suddenly fallen away, as if sucked up in a vacuum. 

Kanan was prone on the ground. His skin was pale and covered in a layer of sweat, a shattered plate not far from his head.

A loud clang broke Ezra out of his shock, and he cried out. “ _KANAN!_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope it was worth the wait :P


	26. Scars II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hera cares for a sick Kanan on top of managing a traumatized child

It didn’t surprise Hera that Kanan was sick.

It began a couple days ago. Kanan was quieter than usual. His quips weren’t as quippy, and his joking attempts at flirting had dropped off. While he seemed normal around Ezra, he visibly deflated whenever the boy went off to play with Chopper. Hera had asked him about it, but he brushed her off and said he was just tired. At the time, Hera had no reason to think he might be lying.

This morning, Kanan admitted he wasn’t feeling very well. It was why he decided not to come with her to Capital City. Hera assumed he was going to try and sleep this bug off while she and Ezra were out.

That was just a few hours ago. How could he have gotten this bad?

Hera took a deep breath. The first thing she needed to do was assess the situation. Kanan hadn’t just laid down; he had collapsed. That suggested that Kanan hadn’t realized how sick he had gotten. Kneeling by his head, she placed a hand on his forehead with a small frown. He was hotter than usual, but she didn’t know how aberrant this was for humans. Then she pressed a couple fingers to his throat to check his heart rate. It was elevated but strong.

Meanwhile, Ezra was clinging to Kanan’s shirt, shaking him hard. “Kanan?! Kanan, g-get up…!” He was on the edge of full blown panic when Kanan finally let out a small moan. He cringed as his eyes fluttered open.

“Kanan,” Hera said, unable to keep the edge of worry out of her voice. “What happened?”

Kanan frowned. “What…?” He put his arms under himself and slowly pushed up with a groan. “Is it just me…” he asked wearily, his words slurred, “... or is it _really_ hot in here?”

For a brief moment, Hera wondered if he was drunk. But she couldn’t smell any alcohol on him, and he really did  _look_  sick. “What do you remember?”

He was slouched over, but at least he was sitting up. His brow furrowed, like he was struggling to recall. “You and Ezra left… and I was hungry…”

That explained the shattered plate. “Why didn’t you tell me you were feeling this bad?” She wouldn’t have left him alone if she had known.

Wait. He hadn’t been alone. Hera pulled out her comlink. “Chopper! Where are you!?”

As Chopper gave his indignant reply, Ezra scooted over and pressed his body to Kanan’s side. Kanan instantly wrapped his arm around Ezra with a tired smile. “‘M okay…” he murmured.

Hera sighed and put the comlink away. Chopper had been doing some maintenance in the engine room. As much as Hera wanted to be angry at him, she knew none of this was his fault. Kanan didn’t need a babysitter. And she wasn’t about to chastise Chopper for actually doing his chores for once. “Let’s get you to your bunk…”

She stood and grabbed his arm, but he shrugged her off. “I can walk,” he insisted. With a grunt of effort, Kanan used the wall to pull himself up. He took a step forward and swayed, but Hera grabbed him before he could nosedive.

“Stubborn moofhead….” she muttered as she helped him back to his cabin. It was a bad sign when Kanan didn’t protest the assistance.

Once he was sitting on his bunk, Hera ran back out to grab the medkit from the common room. Hopefully this was just a bad bug. Nothing a bit of hydration and rest wouldn’t fix.

When she returned, she found Kanan leaning heavily against the side of the bunk, holding Ezra’s hand and muttering softly to him. Ezra had his eyes downward, his little body shaking as he tried blink his tears away. They both glanced in her direction as she stepped inside. “I need to take your temperature,” Hera said. “Then I want you take some fever reducers and get some sleep.”

“I’m fine,” Kanan mumbled half-heartedly.

“Uh huh…” Hera knelt down in front of him, pulling a thermometer out of the kit and sticking it in his ear. Kanan grumbled in wordless protest. “Why didn’t you tell me it was this bad?”

“It _wasn’t_ this morning…”

The thermometer beeped and Hera looked at it. “A hundred point three…” Hera frowned. “Is that high for a human?”

Kanan sighed. “A little bit, yeah…”

Hera put a hand on Ezra’s shoulder. The boy had barely moved since she entered the room. “Ezra, would you go grab a glass of water for Kanan?”

Ezra looked back and forth between her and Kanan before nodding meekly. He jumped down and practically ran out of the room.

“I scared him,” Kanan muttered.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Hera replied. “Unless you _meant_ to collapse in the middle of the kitchen.” She sighed. “Besides, Ezra was already a bit rattled from our shopping trip.”

Kanan frowned. “Did something happen?”

“Ezra had a little panic attack… no biggie.”

Kanan eyes widen and he tried to sit up. “Is he okay? What happened?” Then he groaned and swayed, falling back into the bed. “Kriff…”

“He’s _fine_. He was just trying on some clothes. I don’t know what triggered him, but I managed to get him calm enough to bring back to the _Phantom._ ” Hera placed a hand on his shoulder. “He did good.”

Before Kanan could reply, Ezra was walking back in, carrying a full glass of water. Hera took it from him with a small ‘ _Thank you_ ’ before thrusting both it and the fever reducers to Kanan. “I expect you to drink all of this.”

Kanan rolled his eyes but did as she said. Handing the empty glass back, Kanan sunk into the bed with his eyes closed and a pained look on his face. “I hate being sick…” 

Ezra started to climb up on the bunk next to him, but Kanan gently shoved him off with his arm. “No, kiddo. I don’t want you catching this…”

Ezra gazed on him with wide eyes, looking hurt. “I-I don’t mind…” he mumbled, his arms crossed across his chest.

“Well, I do.” Kanan cracked his eyes open, placing a hand on Ezra’s arm and giving it a small squeeze. “Seriously, this is no fun. You can still sleep in the top bunk, ‘kay?”

Ezra’s shoulders relaxed slightly and he nodded. “‘Kay,” he replied.

Hera closed up the medkit and set it aside before putting a hand on Ezra’s back. “Let’s give Kanan some space so he can rest, okay?”

Ezra nodded before turning and walking out the door. Hera stood and pointed at Kanan. “Sleep,” she ordered.

“Aye aye, captain,” Kanan replied tiredly as he turned on his side and pulled the blanket over himself.

Hera walked out to find Ezra sitting on the ground next to the door. He had his legs curled up to his chest as he stared intently at the floor. She sat down beside him, stretching her legs out in front of her. “Kanan is going to be fine,” she said.

Ezra nodded without looking up from the ground.

Hera sighed, silently wondering what she should do now. For Kanan, there wasn’t much to be done except making sure he stayed proper hydrated and rested. The question became how was Hera going to take care of Ezra's emotional needs. He was obviously distressed, but none of her attempts to verbally assure him seemed to be doing any good. This was uncharted territory for her. Kanan was Ezra’s main pillar of emotional support. Sure, she took care of him from time to time, but that wasn’t the same.

“Do you want to help me run a diagnostic on the _Phantom_?” she offered. She knew that there wouldn’t be anything to find, but it would take time and hopefully get Ezra's mind off things.

Ezra glanced back to Kanan’s cabin before looking up at Hera through his long bangs. “Sure,” he muttered.

It was a long and quiet afternoon. Ezra followed Hera around the ship as she ran diagnostics, put away their supplies, and made some minor adjustments to a few subsystems. He didn’t speak much, so Hera filled the air by explaining everything she was doing. She had Chopper swinging by Kanan’s cabin regularly to make sure he was okay. As expected, he was sleeping the day away. With any luck, Kanan would be on the mend by tomorrow.

Dinner rolled around, and Hera heated up a meal pack for Ezra and an unlabeled package of soup for Kanan. “Stay here and finish eating, Ezra. I’ll be back in a moment.”

Ezra paused in his chewing as he watched Hera walk out. As she walked down the hall, she was not surprised to hear the sound of small feet padding after her. She turned around with a small sigh. “Really, Ezra. We don’t want you getting sick, and there’s nothing you can do right now.”

Ezra looked pained at that, gazing down at the ground and hunching his shoulders up. Hera tried not to sigh in frustration. She hated this submissive posture of his. It was always a stark reminder of the abuse he had been forced to suffer. He had opened up in the recent weeks, but it seemed that the day's events had sent him back to old habits.

Frustration was the last thing Ezra needed right now, so Hera bit her lip and knelt down in front of him. She placed a hand on his shoulder, grateful when he didn’t flinch away. Small miracles. “The best thing you can do for Kanan right now is take care of yourself. The less Kanan has to worry about you, the faster he’ll get better. Understand?”

It took a moment, but Ezra gave a small nod.

“Alright.” Hera looked over at Chopper, who was sitting uncharacteristically quiet nearby. “Chop, stay with Ezra, okay?” She turned back to Ezra. “Go back to the kitchen and make sure you eat everything off your plate. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

With a barely discernible sigh, Ezra nodded before turning around and slowly walking back, Chopper rolling behind him. Hera stood and watched as Ezra disappeared into the kitchen. Satisfied that he wasn't going to follow her, she walked over and opened Kanan’s cabin.

It looked as if Kanan hadn't moved. He was still curled up on his side under his blanket. Placing the soup to the side, she gently shook his shoulder. “Kanan?”

There was a low moan before Kanan turned onto his back, blinking up at Hera with unfocused eyes. He was coated in sweat, his face noticeably pale and splotchy. “... ‘era…?”

“Hey… I brought you something to eat.”

Kanan winced and let out another moan. He shook his head before rolling back onto his side.

“You need to eat something.” She picked up the bowl. “It’s just some ration soup. Nothing complicated.” A small grunt was his only response. Hera rolled her eyes and sat on the bed next to him. “Kanan, if you don’t eat this, I’m going to bring Ezra in here and tell him you’re refusing to eat. Then _you_ are going to have to explain to those big blue eyes why.”

Kanan turned back just enough to level her with a weak glare. “I hate you…” he mumbled.

Hera just held up the bowl. “You don’t need to eat the whole thing, but you need _something._ ”

With a bit of effort and a great deal of grumbling, Kanan pushed himself into a sitting position before taking the bowl from Hera. With a small look of disgust, he swallowed down a good half of the bowl before shoving it back to Hera. “How’s Ezra?” he croaked.

“Ezra’s fine. Don’t worry about him. Just focus on getting better.”

With another small grumble, Kanan slid down into his bunk and curled back up. By the time Hera was leaving, she could hear his soft snores.

On her way back, she could hear Chopper talking to Ezra. He was repeatedly reminding Ezra that Hera had told him to eat everything on his plate. When she entered the kitchen, she saw Ezra curled up in his seat, his head buried in his arms and his plate untouched.

Chopper turned to her and insisted he was trying to get the baby Jedi to eat. “I know Chop…” She rest a hand on his orange dome. “I’ve got this.” Chopper rolled off, grumbling about stubborn Jedi.

Hera knelt down next to Ezra, placing a hand on his shoulder. He didn’t react to her touch, but she could feel him trembling. “He’s going to be fine,” Hera insisted. “It’s just a little bug.”

Ezra peeked out from his arms, revealing red-rimmed eyes. “B-Bug?” he asks.

“A mild illness. I promise, this is nothing to worry about. As long as Kanan gets plenty of water and rest, he’ll be as good as new in a few days.” She nodded toward his plate. “I see you’ve barely touched your food.”

Ezra gave the plate a small glare. “‘M not hungry.”

Hera chuckled. Ezra was starting to take after Kanan. “You need to eat. No one will be happy if you make yourself sick as well.”

Ezra stiffened, and some expression flashed across his face that Hera couldn’t quite decipher. But then it was a gone, and Ezra slowly unfolded himself and reached for his fork. Satisfied, Hera got up to make some food for herself.

The rest of the meal was quiet. It took Ezra nearly an hour to finish his dinner, but at least he finished it. Once Hera had taken care of the dishes, she could see Ezra starting to nod off. “Alright love, time for bed.”

Ezra glanced tiredly toward the cabins. “C-Can I still s-sleep with Kanan?”

Hera shook her head. “No, you should sleep in your own cabin tonight.” Ezra looked stricken, but she was going to remain firm on this point. “It’s best if we leave Kanan alone for now. You need to sleep in your cabin tonight, alright?”

“K-Kanan said…”

“Ezra.” Hera placed her hands on his shoulders. “Do you want to help Kanan get better?” Ezra gave a quick nod. “Then you need to listen to me, alright?”

Ezra nodded again, his lower lip trembling. “A-Alright.”

Hera gave a small smile. She hated to upset Ezra, but this was an important step for him. She was starting to get concerned about how much time Ezra has been spending with Kanan. Hera had given Ezra the cabin next to Kanan’s when he joined this little crew, but to her knowledge, he had never slept in it before. It was understandable at first. Ezra had just been through some horrible trauma and needed the comfort and safety that Kanan’s presence offered. But that was months ago. Ezra was more than old enough to be sleeping on his own now. The occasional night with his guardian was one thing, but every single night? Hera didn’t think that was healthy for either of them.

She meant to bring it up with Kanan before, but tonight was as good as any to start weaning Ezra off of Kanan. Particularly since it was coupled with the practical matter of keeping Ezra from falling ill.

Leading him back to his own cabin, Hera made sure Ezra changed into his nightclothes and climbed into his bunk. Sitting next to it, she helped tuck him in. “Come get me if you need anything, okay?”

“Okay,” Ezra murmured, his eyes already slipping close.

Hera smoothed his hair back, smiling as Ezra's breathing evened out. Once she was sure he was asleep, she went to check in on Kanan again. Thankfully, he also seemed to be sleeping soundly. Pleased that both her boys were out, she took a moment to gather herself. Taking in a deep breath, she held it for several seconds before slowly exhaling. What an exhausting day.

Chopper rolled up to her and said she had an incoming transmission. She looked at the chronometer and sighed. “I suppose now is as good a time as any…”

* * *

Hera went to bed right after she gave her briefing. Quickly falling to sleep, her dreams were peaceful. They were of her younger days on Ryloth, before the war had reached them. There was the first time her father let her ride on a blerg with him. There was the warmth and comfort of eating her mothers stew. There was the exhilaration from the first time she got to ride in a shuttle…

Then the peace of her dreams was shattered by a loud banging on her cabin door, a high-pitched voice screaming her name. “Hera!? _HERA!?_ ”

Hera jumped out her bunk and stumbled to the controls. Her head was splitting from being ripped so violently out of sleep. She tried to blink through the pain as she stared down at the tiny human in front of her, her brain struggling to remember who the hell this was and why he would be on her ship.

He was sobbing, his body trembling as he stared at Hera pleadingly. “K-K-Kanan…!” he managed to squeak out.

Her brain barely processed the stuttered word and it's implication before her body propelled forward to the cabin across the hall. The door automatically opened and the horrid humid smell of sweat and vomit assaulted her. She reeled back and covered her nose as she fumbled for the lights.

Kanan was twisted in his blanket, thrashing against them as he moaned in distress. His unfocused eyes were twitching back and forth rapidly. Vomit coated his chin and soaked his shirt and blanket. His cheeks were an alarming shade of dark red, his long hair soaked with sweat and plastered to his face and neck.

Ezra, who had been undeterred by the smell, stood by the foot of the bunk. He was staring at Kanan with his hands partially outstretched, like he wanted to touch Kanan but was afraid to. He glanced back at Hera helplessly, silently begging her to help.

Hera went to kneel by Kanan's head, hovering a hand over his face and cringing at the heat she felt. He was much hotter than before. “Kanan?” She pressed her hand to his forehead. “Kanan, can you hear me?”

His eyes looked up vaguely in her direction with a small frown, his thrashing calming for a moment. “M… Master?” he mumbled.

He was delirious. And Hera didn’t need a thermometer to know that his fever was dangerously high. She needed to get him out of these clothes, clean him off, and cool him down. She turned to Ezra who was still staring at Kanan, tears still running down his face. “Ezra.” His head snapped towards her. “You need to go back to your room now.”

Ezra immediately shook his head. “No! I-I wanna help!”

“You can help but letting me handle this.” Hera started to untangle and peel the blanket covering Kanan. He wasn’t helping, his legs occasionally kicking out as he moaned. “I don’t want you getting hurt.”

But Ezra was emphatically shaking his head. “I can help. I-I can…” He stared intently at Kanan before his eyes widened. He went over to the corner and knelt on the ground, closing his eyes.

Hera had no idea what Ezra was doing, but he was out of the way and no longer looking like a beaten tooka kit, so she would take what she could get. Once the blanket was removed, she worked on getting his shirt off. Kanan seemed to be calming down, so it was relatively easy for her to move his arms as she pulled the shirt over his head. The biggest challenge was manipulating Kanan’s limp body. He was not a small man.

Once the shirt was off, she used it to wipe down his face and neck to get most of the vomit. Then she bundled it up with the blanket. “I’ll be back in a moment,” she said to Ezra.

“... ‘kay…” Ezra mumbled, his eyes still closed.

Hera didn’t give it much thought as she ran out and threw the spoiled laundry into the corner of the common room to be taken care of later (maybe she should ask Chopper to deal with them; he didn't have to smell it) before grabbing a bowl of cold water and a cloth.

By the time she got back, Kanan had calmed considerably. His body was more or less still, though his eyes were still scanning the bunk above him aimlessly. Ezra was sitting next him now, his fingers lightly tracing across Kanan’s chest. “Ezra?”

Ezra jumped in surprise, glancing back at Hera. He was no longer crying and he didn’t seem as upset. In fact, he just seemed confused. “S-Scars…” he muttered.

Hera knelt down next to him with a small frown. “What’s that?”

Ezra looked back at Kanan. Hera followed his gaze and saw that Ezra was lightly touching an old blaster wound. It was one of many scars that littered Kanan’s torso. “Kanan h-has _scars_ …” the boy said, his voice filled with something akin to awe.

Hera’s frown deepened. Of course to her, this was no revelation. Considering the lifestyle he had been living when they first met, it would be a miracle if he _didn’t_ have his share of scars. Her eyes scanning over Kanan’s chest. Most of the scars were jagged, like they had been clumsily sewn together with little to no bacta. Only the blaster wounds looked to have been treated properly, if not fully. They were small and faint, but Hera could tell. She had seen similar scars on her father. They had been treated, but Cham hadn’t allowed the treatment to complete before getting back into the fight.

She looked back at Ezra and wondered why he was so entranced by the fact that Kanan had scars. It wasn't as though Ezra was unfamiliar with scars. The ones she had seen earlier today painted a very loud picture of the torture his relatives had put him through. Did Ezra just think Kanan was invincible?

Hera soaked the cloth in the cold water before she started to wipe Kanan’s face down, washing off what was left of his vomit. “Kanan has led an interesting life,” she said softly.

Ezra watched as Hera worked the cold cloth across Kanan’s flush body. “C-Can I help?”

She took a moment to consider the request. “Why don’t you hold his hand?” Hera suggested. “I’m sure Kanan would appreciate it.”

Scooting a little closer, Ezra placed his hand over Kanan’s, curling his fingers around Kanan’s palm. Then he closed his eyes, and started to breathe deeply.

Hera frowned slightly at Ezra’s behavior but was pleased to see him less agitated. She continued to wipe the cold water over Kanan until he stopped squirming restlessly in the bed, his expression relaxing. Hera re-took his temperature, relieved when she saw that it had gone down.

At that point, Ezra had leaned over the side of the bed, his head cradled in his free arm. It seemed he had fallen asleep. Hera let out a small sigh. It probably wouldn’t hurt for Ezra to stay here the one night. She gently grabbed Ezra by his armpits, pulling him up in her arms. Ezra mumbled a little in protest but didn’t wake. With a little coordination, Hera climbed up a couple rungs of the ladder and laid Ezra down, pulling a blanket over him.

For a moment Hera just took in the sight. It once again hit her how much her life had changed in the last year. It was so different from what she had imagined. When she left Ryloth, her intention had been to build up a full crew as efforts against the Empire were slowly ramped up. It was what she had had in mind when she took Kanan in. Independent of his Force powers, Kanan had proved to be brilliant strategist and a capable fighter. And once she figured out his ne’er-do-well attitude was just a front, she saw the potential for an amazing ally in the fight that laid ahead of them.

Then it turned out there was more to Kanan than what met the eye. Way more than the fact that he could hold broken bridges in mid-air with his mind. In a huge tangle of post traumatic stress, survivor’s guilt, and immaturity, it turned out that Kanan had a child. Not of his own blood, as it were, but a child that was _his_ nonetheless.

Hera honestly had no idea what was going to happen as she flew Kanan to Ossus. She half-thought that Kanan would stay there with the Jedi Master, accept his life as a Jedi, and that would be that. They would go on their separate ways, maybe crossing paths again in the future.

But it seemed that fate had other ideas. Cruel and harsh ideas.

Now there was not only this mess of a man on her ship, but a child as well. A child that fit absolutely _nowhere_ in Hera’s grand plan of building a rebellion. A child that revealed an entirely different side to Kanan, a side that was both a nervous wreck and tender guardian. A child that needed some stability and security for once in his short and traumatic life.

So here they were, this man and this child fast asleep in one of Hera’s spare cabins. She had no idea how all of this had happened. It just… did.

She let out a long sigh as she turned off the light and left, the door whooshing close behind her. One day at a time, she told herself. There wasn’t much else she could do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me: Gosh, I have so much trouble writing from Hera's POV
> 
> Also me: Then why did you write an entire chapter from Hera's POV?
> 
> Me: ...


	27. Empire Day I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan struggles with his urge to drink on the worst day of the year.

It had been a while since Kanan had gotten sick like that. Most of his ailments in recent years have been solely alcohol related. In fact, the last time Kanan remembered having a genuine illness had been not long after his Temple trial on Chalacta. His immune system had struggled to adjust during his first long term expedition away from Coruscant. It hadn’t been too bad. Master Billaba had given him some medicine and told him to rest.

This illness had been a lot worse. He had felt it coming on, but he had thought he could stave it off with enough water and sleep. He had been wrong. What had followed was a couple days of only semi-awareness, full body aching, scrambled nightmares, and a lot of vomiting. But as miserable as the experience had been, by the time Kanan had recovered, he almost wished he was delirious again.

It was Empire Day.

For the past nine years, this was a day to spend completely blacked out on as much alcohol as Kanan could consume. Last year, Kanan was pretty sure he had almost killed himself with how much he had had.

But now he had a promise to keep: a promise to stop drinking. And while he hadn’t been a hundred percent successful these last few months, he had still managed to drink a _lot_ less alcohol than he used to. And everyone on the ship was significantly happier because of it.

Now Kanan wanted nothing more but to find the nearest brewery and drink it.

The funny thing was, Kanan didn’t even _like_ drinking. Not anymore. Not for years, if he were being honest with himself. It made it easier for him to ignore the presence of the Force, but it did little else. It didn’t even really help with his sleeping. Sure, it would make him pass out, but it didn’t stop the nightmares. It didn’t stop him from waking up in the middle of the night, feeling like he had just run across a desert moon. And inevitably, he would feel like absolute crap the next day. So it really begged the question: why did he keep doing it? Why did he feel like he _wanted_ to do it when he really did want to stop?

Gods, he hated himself.

Kanan was trying to focus on his chores, but they weren’t helping. They were too simple. Too easy. He needed something harder.

He went and knocked on Hera’s door. The moment it opened, Kanan immediately asked, “Are there any repairs you need me to do?”

Hera raised an eyebrow. “No… We’ve barely been flying the ship lately, and we’ve been running more diagnostics than usual. Why?”

Kanan scowled, running a hand through his hair. “I just need… something to do.”

“Why don’t you help Ezra with his sims?”

“I…” Kanan paused. “Yeah, sure, that sounds like a good idea…”

Hera looked concerned, but Kanan walked off without acknowledging it. He really didn’t want to talk about it. Not with Hera, not with anyone.

He walked into the common room, frowning slightly when he found it empty. An educational sim was floating on the holo table, the current lesson only partially done. “Ezra? Ezra, where - ?”

“RAAAHH!!” A small blur shot out from under the consols, tackling Kanan’s legs. Kanan let out an undignified yelp as he instinctively tried to yank away from the creature wrapped around his leg, only to trip and fall backwards _hard_ on the durasteel floor.

Chopper was very obviously laughing as Kanan let out a low groan. By the time he got his bearings, he could see the droid pointing his manipulators at Kanan as he made fun of his misfortune. What the hell just happened?

“K-Kanan!” Suddenly Ezra was right next to him, his face twisted in worry and fear. “I-I’m sorry! I d-didn’t mean to kn-nock you over…!”

“It’s okay…” Kanan forced himself to sit up, placing a hand on Ezra’s shoulder to placate him. “What were you doing anyway?”

Ezra looked down and rubbed his hands together, looking nervous. “I got bored. A-And Chopper said we could play a game…”

Kanan’s eyes narrowed on the orange droid, who was still chortling. “What kind of game?” he growled.

“He said h-he’d get you for Padawan Catch…” Ezra seemed genuinely confused as he turned to Chopper. “Did you forget to tell him?"

Kanan sighed. Ezra had yet to realize that the way Chopper treated him did not extend to everyone. Especially not Kanan.

Chopper shrugged his manipulators innocently as he whistled out a quick ‘whoops’ before rolling out of the common room.

Kanan rubbed his face. “Whatever,” he grumbled.

“I’m sorry, Kanan…” Ezra said quietly, curling in to himself slightly.

“It’s alright, kiddo.” Kanan clapped his hand on Ezra’s shoulder again before getting up. “Takes more than that to keep me down.” He pointed to the holo. “Let’s go over your sims.”

Ezra gave a small huff, getting up and sitting on the bench. “It’s boring,” Ezra mumbled, slouching down in his seat.

Kanan looked at his log. “You haven’t even finished a single lesson…”

“Because it’s boring.”

With a small sigh, Kanan sat next to Ezra. “Tell you what: you finish this lesson, and we can play some Padawan Catch. Deal?”

Ezra didn’t seem very enthused by the prospect but gave a barely noticeable nod. “Okay…” he murmured.

Usually it wasn’t hard for Kanan to help Ezra out with his lessons. He would have Ezra walk him through this thinking then help guide the kid to the right answer. The problem today was that Kanan was _really_ struggling to focus. As in, Ezra kept having to repeat himself. And this did not go unnoticed by the kid. “W-What’s wrong…?” Ezra eventually asked.

“Nothing,” Kanan said automatically.

Of course, he knew that there was no hiding from Ezra. Not really. As it was, the kid was looking up at him with worry in his eyes. He was expecting more of an elaboration.

“It’s just a bad day, Ezra.”

“A-Are you still sick?”

“No.” Kanan sighed, trying to figure out how to explain his mood without actually explaining anything. “It’s those demons of mine,” he finally said.

Ezra stiffened at his side, his eyes widening a little before he averted his gaze. “Are you…. Are you gonna go d-drinking…?” he asked timidly.

“No,” Kanan immediately said, even as parts of his brain were begging him to be a liar. “I’ll figure out some other way to…” Kanan waved his hand on the air. “... deal with my pent up energy.”

They continued to work through the lesson, though now Ezra was even more distracted. Kanan could feel his distress bleeding through their bond. Kanan internally sighed. He should have kept his mouth shut. Or kept himself locked up in his room for today. Or left the ship entirely and walked over to Jalath to drown himself in liquor. If he was going to cause everyone this much grief over the _potential_ that he was going to do it, he might as well just go out and do it, right?

“C-Can I help?” Ezra asked tentatively.

Kanan gave a small smile. “Sure kid. You can help by working on your sims.”

Ezra groaned. “How does that help you?!”

“It just does.” Kanan pointed back at the holo. “Now focus.”

Unfortunately, it was only a few minutes later that Kanan got restless again. It didn’t help that Ezra was clearly bored and restless as well, although he was trying his best not to let it show. Finally, Kanan just sighed. “Go play with Chopper,” he said. “I’m just… I don’t know. I’ll find something else to do..”

Ezra gave a small nod before slowly slid off his seat. He was walking out when he stopped and turned back to Kanan. “I’m sorry I couldn’t help…” he said softly.

“Don’t worry about it, Ezra. This isn’t your problem to solve.”

Ezra frowned slightly, but gave another nod and walked out to find Chopper.

Kanan bent forward and buried his face in his hands. He wished he could just disappear for a day. Reappear tomorrow when Empire Day was over. He was tired of these nine year old echos bouncing inside his head without his permission. Memories of terror and grief, the way the Force had screamed at him, how cold and sticky it had felt that day…

He let out an explosive sigh as he stood up and walked towards the cargo bay. He was going to grab the cleaning supplies and clean the outside of the ship, whether it needed it or not.

* * *

“You want to go to Jalath?” Hera repeated tentatively.

Ezra nodded. “I-I wanna get Kanan something.”

“You mean like a present?”

Ezra nodded again. “They make people feel better, right? So I thought… m-maybe if I got him one, he’d feel better…”

Hera smiled softly. “That’s very thoughtful of you, Ezra. Unfortunately, you'll have to wait a bit. I’m waiting for a message and can’t leave until it comes in.”

That’s when Chopper - who had been waiting in the doorway - declared he could go with Ezra instead.

“I don’t know, Chop…”

Chopper blatted at her. It was only a couple kilometers away, and Jalath was completely safe! He would make sure the Baby Jedi didn’t wander anywhere he shouldn’t. Besides, he was tired of watching the Stupid Jedi pout around anyway.

“I’ll be good,” Ezra added. He put a hand on Chopper’s head. “I’ll do everything Chopper says.”

“Yeah, that doesn’t exactly comfort me…” Hera sighed. “Alright.” She dug into her flight suit and pulled out some credits. “Buy yourself a treat while you’re at it,” she said with a smile.

“Thanks, Hera! C’mon Chopper!” Ezra ran out of Hera’s room. With Chopper close behind him, he ran down to the cargo bay and off the ship.

It was far from his first trip to Jalath, but he had never gone without Hera or Kanan before. Of course, Chopper was with him, so he wasn’t completely alone.

On the way there, Ezra thought about what gift to get Kanan. What would make him feel better? “Kanan always likes it when Hera buys new ingredients to cook with…” he thought out loud. “But that doesn’t seem very special.”

Chopper suggested they buy a _lot_ of new ingredients. That made it special, right?

Ezra frowned, shaking his head. That didn’t feel right. “What else would Kanan like…?” Then he remembered that Kanan's favorite food was space waffles. Not the frozen ones but ones made from scratch. Problem was, they’ve never actually had any because Hera didn’t have a waffle iron. Hera suggested he just cook the batter on a pan, like flatcakes. Kanan had looked at Hera as if she were insane.

“Maybe… I can find a waffle iron,” Ezra said.

A _what?_ Chopper questioned.

“It’s a thing that takes batter and makes it into waffles. I bet that would make Kanan cheer up!”

As they got closer to Jalath, it was obvious that some sort of celebration was going on. The skip in Ezra’s step faded as he spotted stormtroopers. It wasn’t unusual to see a couple walking through the town, but there were a lot more of them now. Chopper didn’t like the look of this and rolled faster so he was in front of Ezra. When they reached the edge of town, Ezra saw a large banner hanging over the main street.

**Empire Day Parade at Sunset!**

Ezra froze. Today was Empire Day? He remembered his relatives celebrating it every year on Coruscant. There were usually lots of fireworks, special holos, and a speech from the Emperor. Ezra never really thought much about it until a year ago, when Master Nu explained that not only was it the day the Empire was founded, it was the day the Jedi Order had been destroyed.

A sick feeling settled in Ezra’s stomach at the sight of the banner. This explained why Kanan was so upset and distracted today. It was the day the clone troopers had turned against Kanan and his master. The day that made even Master Nu visibly upset and angry.

Chopper suggested that they go back to the ship, but Ezra refused. If today was Empire Day, then Ezra _had_ to get something to make Kanan feel better. There were even more vendors out than usual today, so that should make it easy for Ezra to find something like a waffle iron!

Chopper wasn’t happy, but he sighed and told Ezra to stay by his side at all times.

As Ezra started to look through the vendors, it occurred to him very quickly that he had no idea what a waffle iron looked like. It was some sort of device, obviously. It took batter and made it waffle shaped. At least he knew what waffles looked like. Kanan had showed him a picture.

Chopper asked why he didn’t just ask one of the vendors if they knew where to find one of these things.

Ezra squirmed uncomfortably. He hated talking to people on the best of days. And today, almost everyone seemed on edge, frustrated, or upset. He could feel it in the Force. He didn’t want to bother people if they were feeling like that.

Then something caught Ezra’s eye. It had nothing to do with waffles or even food, but it caught his attention nonetheless.

It was a stuffed Lothwolf toy.

Ezra didn’t even notice that he had walked towards it until he was right in front of it, his hand outstretched to touch it. It was large and white. He brushed his fingers against its fur and smiled at how soft it was.

“Can I help you?”

Ezra yelped and jumped back, staring wide eyed up at the stranger.

Chopper growled at the man, his spark projector crackling threateningly.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” the man threw his hands up defensively. “Didn’t mean to startle ya! Just trying to make pleasant conversation.” He looked back over at Ezra. “Where are your parents?”

Ezra was frozen, his eyes wide and his mind filled with panic as he tried to find a suitable answer. His parents were traitors to the Empire, executed when he was a baby.

Chopper started speaking, but Ezra was too startled and Chopper was talking too fast for Ezra to get what he as saying.

The merchant frowned. “I take it this droid is looking after you, fella?”

Ezra could only nod, stepping closer to Chopper.

“It’s alright, I don’t mean any harm.” The man stood and glanced at the stuffed Lothwolf. “Getting yourself a gift for Empire Day?”

Ezra immediately shook his head. He wouldn’t ever just get _himself_ something. These were Hera’s credits. “I-I’m getting something for…” Ezra paused as he looked for a word to describe Kanan. Then he remembered a story they had used in the past. “... for my father.”

The merchant frowned. “I see… What were you thinking of getting him?”

“S-Something to make him happy,” Ezra said.

The merchant gave a small chuckle. “I’m sure anything you gave him would make him happy.”

Ezra wasn’t so sure of that. He could already see Kanan now: rolling his eyes at some stupid trinket Ezra had gotten him. Why was he wasting credits on something this stupid? It certainly wouldn’t be enough to get Kanan to stop thinking about drinking.

“Kid? Kid, you alright?”

Ezra flinched, nodding automatically. “I-I’m fine.” He started to look at the other stuff the merchant had. It was a variety of toys, basic electronics, and other stuff Ezra didn’t recognize. He didn’t see anything resembling a waffle among them though.

“So…” Ezra heard the merchant say. “You want to make your old man happy.” It was a statement, not a question.

Still, Ezra frowned at the phrasing. Kanan was far from an old man. Regardless, he nodded.

“What do you think will make him happy?”

Ezra shrugged. “I-I don’ know. I just don’ want him to start drinking again…”

The merchant didn’t respond, and Ezra kept looking deeper among his collection of stuff. He let out a small sigh when he didn’t find what he was looking for. He looked up at the merchant hesitantly. “D-Do you have a waffle iron…?”

The man raised an eyebrow in surprise. “A waffle iron? Interesting request… No I don’t have one here. I think you’ll be hard pressed to find anyone on Lothal with such a thing. It’s kind of a luxury good. More luxury than most Lothalians can afford.”

“Oh…” Ezra’s shoulders slumped. If he couldn’t get Kanan a waffle iron, what _could_ he get him?

The merchant gazed at Ezra thoughtfully. “If your old man likes waffles… maybe you could get him some jogan syrup. They taste great on waffles and the like.”

Ezra perked up. “R-Really?”

He smiled. “Yeah.” He stepped around his booth, pointing toward another vendor down the street. “See what white haired man? His name is name is Morad. He sells a variety of fruit and fruit based spreads. He can help you.”

Ezra smiled widely, excited to finally find something that might actually make Kanan happier. “Thanks!” He started walking towards the man named Morad when he paused and spared a glance at the stuffed Lothwolf.

Chopper asked him what he was waiting for, and Ezra shook his head. “I’m coming, Chop!”

Morad was nice. He was really friendly and smiled a lot. When Ezra explained Kanan’s love for waffles, he showed Ezra a variety of syrups that would work with them. It was hard for Ezra to chose at first, but he eventually went with the cheapest option.

As he and Chopper made their way back to the ship, the parade was just starting. Ezra listened to the announcer for a moment.

“Today we celebrate the ninth Empire Day! On this day nine years ago, Emperor Palpatine declared the end to the corrupt Republic and established our glorious Empire!”

Chopper noticed that Ezra wasn’t following him as closely as he would have liked and barked at him to keep up. Ezra quickly nodded, running up to catch up with the droid. “S-Sorry, Chopper…”

They continued to walk away from Jalath and back to the _Ghost_ , the noise of the celebrations slowly fading into the distance. Ezra clutched the bag containing the syrup close to his chest, thinking about what today meant for Kanan. The horrible atrocity this day represented to so many people, especially the Jedi.

Chopper moaned at Ezra to hurry it up. He was tired of rolling around in these stupid grasses.

“R-Right. Sorry…”

Chopper let out a thoughtful groan before asking what was up with him.

Ezra let out a small sigh. “It’s nothing. It’s just…” He paused, an uncomfortable pressure building up in his chest.

 _What?_ Chopper asked.

“... Today’s my birthday…” he said quietly. How awful was that? His birth signaled the death of thousands and the beginning of a terrible reign that forced billions to suffer. Ezra shook his head dismissively. “Let’s get back so I can give Kanan his present!”

Ezra started to walk back faster, focusing on his destination. He hoped Kanan liked his gift. It was kind of dumb and not at all what he wanted to get Kanan, but hopefully it would help keep Kanan from going out tonight.


	28. Empire Day II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ezra gives Kanan his gift, and Kanan learns that it's Ezra's birthday

Hera was making herself a meal supplement when Kanan walked in, looking exhausted. She briefly wondered if it was due to lack of sleep or from overworking himself. Knowing Kanan, it was a combination of the two. “How are you doing?” she asked.

Kanan shrugged dismissively, grabbing a ration bar from one of the cabinets. He ripped it open and started chewing on it with a sigh, leaning back against the counter. A minute later, he gave a small frown. He looked around, having apparently just noticed how quiet it was. “Where’s Ezra and Chopper?”

“They went for a stroll about an hour ago.”

Kanan nearly choked on his ration bar. “Ezra went out _by himself?!_ ”

“Chopper is with him,” Hera said, a little offended on his behalf - even though she had similar doubts just an hour earlier. “Besides, there’s nothing around here except Jalath, which we’ve been to dozens of times at this point.”

“Still…” Kanna said, looking uncertain.

“Chopper just messaged me,” Hera assured him. “They’re headed back now.”

Kanan visibly relaxed at that. “Good….”

“You must really be distracted,” Hera said casually. She knew full well what day it was and why Kanan was acting this way. “You’re usually hyper-aware of Ezra’s every movement.”

“Maybe I’m trying to be less…” Kanan struggled to find the right word.

“Overly protective?” Hera suggested.

“I am _not_ overly protective,” Kanan insisted. “Ezra needs all the protection he can get after his crappy start to a life.”

“And yet you don’t want to seem overbearing,” Hera induced.

Kanan scowled. “Ezra’s still a child. He can’t be older than ten! Even if he hadn’t been abused by his kung relatives, he needs someone to keep an eye on him!”

“I’m not disagreeing with you,” Hera said, flipping the supplement on the pan. “When I said that you’re usually hyper aware of him, I didn’t mean it as a criticism. Just an observation.”

Kanan groaned, closing his eyes and hitting the heel of his hand against his forehead. “I just have no idea what I’m doing…”

“Welcome to parenthood.”

Kanan glared at her. “You know: it’s not helpful when you say that.”

“Neither is standing around feeling sorry for yourself.” Hera didn’t want to go too hard on Kanan today, but she also didn’t really want him spiraling down another self-deprecating hole.

He huffed but didn’t outright disagree. He just kept munching on his ration bar. “Did Ezra eat before he left?”

“I made sure he had a proper breakfast this morning.”

At first Kanan seemed satisfied with the answer. Then his demeanor suddenly changed. He had a slight cringe on his face and his shoulders slumped. The ration bar wrapper was crinkling in his hand as his fists tightened.

Hera frowned at the change. “Kanan?”

Kanan closed his eyes and sighed. “I’m sorry, Hera.”

That genuinely caught Hera unawares. “What are you apologizing for? Having feelings?”

He shook his head. “No, I’m sorry to have…” He hesitated for a moment. “... dumped myself and Ezra onto you like this.”

“Stop,” Hera said. She turned the stove off and slid her supplement onto a plate. “I told you before. You’re part of my crew now.”

“Yeah, well, maybe we shouldn’t be.”

Something jolted painfully in Hera’s chest at the frank statement. She looked over at Kanan incredulously. He was staring blankly at the ground, but she knew he could at the very least _sense_ her disbelief. “What are you trying to say?”

Kanan sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Doing the occasional mission to screw over the Empire is one thing. But I know you have bigger dreams. Aspirations. I know those secret talks you have in your room are for something bigger. But Ezra and I… we’re not a part of that. I don’t _want_ to be a part of it, and I certainly don’t want Ezra to be.”

Hera grimaced, looking down at the unappetizing brown lump. Kanan wasn’t wrong. Everything she did for Fulcrum’s network was in hopes of someday creating a larger galaxy-wide rebellion against the Empire. And she especially sympathized with Kanan about Ezra. While she didn’t know the details of Kanan’s past, she knew that he had been a Padawan during the war and - from the sounds of it - had fought in at least one battle before the end. He had been thrust into a world he hadn’t understood. Just like she had been. Ezra had already been through so much. The last thing he needed was to be forced into same fate Hera and Kanan had been.

But they weren’t there yet. Not even close. The way things seemed to be going, it was going to be years before they did. “I don’t intend on pushing either of you two into that kind of situation,” Hera said quietly.

Kanan’s body was stiff. He still wasn’t looking at Hera, but his gaze was closer to her feet than his own. “But?” he prompted.

Hera sighed. “But… I’m not going to stop. These missions are important. Not just for me, but for thousands, millions, maybe _billions_ of sentients living under the Empire’s rule.”

He continued to stare at her feet dispassionately. “I have enough money saved up…” Kanan said quietly. “I can find a cheap place for Ezra and me.”

It took a moment for Hera to process the sentence. Another to realize that Kanan was being completely serious. It was another moment still for her to make sense of the complicated surge of feelings that rose up in response to Kanan’s offer.

The colder, more logical part of her thought that Kanan and Ezra moving out of the _Ghost_ would be for the best. Even after all that Kanan has seen and been through, he didn’t want to be a part of this fight. And Hera wholeheartedly agreed that Ezra _shouldn’t_ be a part of this fight. Lothal was relatively safe with a relatively low Imperial presence. It was even Ezra’s home world.

Then there was a more possessive part of Hera immediately cried out _No!_ to this idea. It’s been almost a year since Kanan joined her on the _Ghost_. The first person ever to join, the first step to what she thought would eventually grow into a full on crew. The chemistry between them that had been demonstrated on Gorse had only strengthened since then. He was an asset she didn’t want to lose.

And then there was the more… personal… part of her that timidly pointed out how much she _liked_ Kanan. She liked the way he could find the most unexpected solutions to their problems. Kanan still _cared_ about the people around him, despite the tough guy veneer. He helped and saved people all the time, even when he didn’t have to. And his devotion had never been more thoroughly demonstrated than when he was with Ezra. Kanan was always so gentle and kind with him. It was a side of Kanan that seemed solely reserved for Ezra.

So Hera knew that she would miss Kanan and Ezra if they left the _Ghost_. Probably more than she was willing to admit to herself.

“Stay,” Hera finally said.

Kanan looked up to meet her gaze. He looked genuinely surprised. “But Hera…”

“No, listen to me.” She turned to face him fully. “These ‘bigger aspirations’ as you call them... they're not going to amount to anything for a long time. Especially since I’m just one captain of one ship. Right now, I'm focusing on survival: make enough money to keep the ship and ourselves fueled up and in good repair, gather and pass on any intel we might come across, steal from the Empire and give to the needy...  _That’s_ what I’m about. That’s what this ship and this crew is about.”

She sighed, stepping forward and grabbing Kanan’s hand. “And I don’t _want_ you to leave. You and Ezra are family now.” She gave a small chuckle. “I know Chopper would miss Ezra.”

Kanan looked down at her hand, turning it over so he could run a thumb of the back of it. He stepped closer before his piercing turquoise eyes locked with her’s. “Ezra would miss Chopper, too,” he said softly.

Something warm fluttered in Hera’s stomach. Their bodies were almost touching. “Stay,” Hera repeated softly.

Kanan gave a small smile. Hera could see his pupils dilate. “Alright…” he replied just as soft. “... If you insist.”

A moment of silence hung in the air. In the periphery of her mind, she knew something special was happening right now. She just couldn’t completely comprehend it, finding herself distracted by the smell of Kanan’s body and the warmth that was radiating off it.

The moment ended with the sound of the _Ghost_ ’s ramp lowering, signalling the kids' return. Kanan blinked and turned toward the cargo bay as Hera stepped back and picked up her meal. “Something tells me Ezra is going to want to talk to you,” she said with a smile.

Kanan raised an eyebrow, but nodded. “Alright.”

Hera watched him walked off towards the loading bay. When he disappeared down the corridor, she closed her eyes with a sigh. She had a lot of thinking to do.

* * *

Kanan took deep even breaths as he walked down to the loading bay. That conversation with Hera had gotten way more… intimate than he had been planning.

He had been serious when he offered to leave the _Ghost_  for good. He didn’t want to. He knew Ezra wouldn't want to. But a part of him knew that it would have been for the best. As it was, they were all living in a sort of limbo. Kanan wasn’t sure what to make of it. He hasn’t been this stable since he had been with Kasmir. It felt… wrong. It was too quiet. Honestly, it was kind of _boring_ , but in a uncomfortable antsy sort of way. Rather than keeping him calm, it riled Kanan up. He tried to focus on taking care of Ezra, but even that only took so much of his time. As much as he hated to leave Ezra, it was always a huge relief whenever Hera came to him with a new job.

But that was just it. Kanan felt like he needed… more. More of what, he wasn’t sure. Maybe it was the on and off sobriety talking, but it just didn’t feel right taking up space on Hera’s ship for months and months. Especially when he _knew_ she had greater ambitions. She wanted to take more jobs from her secret contact. She wanted to do _more_ against the Empire. And Kanan had to admit, in another lifetime, he might have joined her. Busting some bucketheads and making the Empire their chumps was good and fun. And it beat drinking himself into a stupor every night.

But it wasn’t just him now. He had to take care of Ezra, and Kanan didn’t want him anywhere near these acts of sedition. In fact, he was half-tempted to flee into the Unknown Regions if it meant keeping Ezra out of the Empire’s radar.

However, Ezra liked it here on Lothal. The Empire’s presence was minimal. It wasn’t out of the realm of possibility for the two of them to build a modest life here. He’d probably have to keep taking jobs from Vizago, but that was doable. They were safe here, and Hera and Chopper would be free to pursue whatever dreams they wanted. It’s not like there was really a reason for them to stay here.

Still, it hurt to bring it up. It wasn’t until he offered to leave that he realized he didn’t _want_ to leave. He liked this ship. He liked Hera. He even liked Chopper in a strange sort of way. But if it meant both keeping Ezra safe and letting Hera live the life she really wanted… He would leave.

So he was surprised when Hera asked him to stay. What surprised him even more was the moment that followed. He had been convinced that Hera had no romantic interest in him, but... The moment had been so simple. Just holding hands and being in each other’s space. He had been able smell the oil on her clothes, feel the warmth of her breath.

But it had ended as soon as it had began. He had pulled away at the sound of the ramp opening, and Hera told him to go see Ezra. It seemed like a deflection on her part, but Kanan didn’t argue. The moment had happened, and with it, possibilities that Kanan had dismissed long ago suddenly found new life. Kanan was excited for these new possibilities, and especially now that he knew that he and Ezra were welcome to stay on the _Ghost_ for the foreseeable future.

He climbed down to the loading bay to see Ezra walking up the ramp with Chopper. Ezra was holding a small package close to his chest, looking both excited and anxious. “H-Hey Kanan…”

“Hey, kiddo. Whatcha got there?”

Ezra looked down at it for a moment, biting his lip. “I-It’s for you.” He held out the package to Kanan.

Kanan raised an eyebrow. “Me?” He knelt down in front of Ezra and took the offered present. “Thank you, Ezra, but what’s the occasion?”

Looking pained and nervous, Ezra traced out patterns on the floor with the toe of his shoe. “You were sad, and I wanted buy you something to make you happy,” he said quietly.

Kanan's eyes widened, feeling oddly touched by the gesture. “You went all the way to Jalath by yourself? Just to get something for me?”

“I wasn’t by myself. I was with Chopper.”

Chopper affirmed the statement, insulted that Kanan thought either he or Hera would have let the Baby Jedi go out alone. Kanan rolled his eyes as he opened the package and pulled out a bottle. He turned it around with a small frown and saw that it was some kind of Jogan syrup.

“I wanted to get you a waffle iron, but I couldn’t find one…” Ezra admitted, sounding disappointed with himself. “But when we do finally get to eat real space waffles, you can put this on top of them!”

“Ezra…” His voice was strained and his throat was choked up. This was probably the most thoughtful thing anyone has ever done for him. And Ezra did it all on his own initiative. Just because he saw that Kanan wasn’t in a good mood. “Thank you,” Kanan said softly, making sure Ezra could sense every once of his sincerity through their bond.

Ezra smiled widely, and Kanan could sense a wave of relief from him. Kanan wrapped his arms tightly around him. “You’re a good kid, Ezra.”

At that point, Ezra went off to find Hera. Apparently she had promised to show him how some control panel worked. He had really developed and interest in the ship and how it worked. Meanwhile, Kanan went to the kitchen to put the syrup away when he was suddenly rammed in the legs by one angry droid “OW!” Kanan rubbed his sore shins. “Chopper! What was that for?!”

Unsurprisingly, Chopper was insulting him, calling him an clueless idiot. Kanan rolled his eyes, about to snap back at him when Chopper mentioned Ezra’s name.

“Wait… What about Ezra?”

Chopper sighed then slowly explained in the most condescending tone he could manage that today was Ezra’s birthday.

Kanan frowned. That didn’t make any sense. When he had asked Ezra’s age a year ago, Ezra didn’t seem to have any idea when his birthday was.

But then a deeper realization sunk in. “Ezra’s birthday… is Empire Day?”

Chopper answered affirmatively, then went on to say that if Kanan wasn’t a complete idiot, he would go out and actually get Ezra a present. He suggested a stuffed toy Ezra had seemed interested in at a stall in Jalath.

An almost sickening lump suddenly settled in Kanan’s stomach. If it was Ezra’s birthday, then that meant that Kanan had spent almost all of it feeling sorry for _himself._  “Y-You said there was a toy?” Kanan asked.

Chopper described both the owner of the stall and the toy that Ezra had been attracted to. Chopper hit Kanan again, telling him to buy the Baby Jedi a damned toy.

It then occurred to Kanan that Ezra had _no_ toys. Not one. He had the entertainment holos, but nothing else. Toys just never came up. Ezra had never asked. Not that he would. Ezra never asked for anything. Either because he thought he didn’t deserve it or that he would get in trouble if he did. He still struggled asking for kriffing  _hugs_.

Kanan was already well on his way to Jalath before he realized he had even left the _Ghost_. Honestly, even if Chopper was mistaken and it wasn’t Ezra’s birthday, Kanan was now determined to give the kid at least one Force-damned toy. Why had this never occurred to him before?!

As he got closer to the town, he began to make out the sounds of festivities, including loud announcements about Empire Day and the sound of the Imperial March echoing in the streets. Kanan sneered instinctively. He hated everything about this day, and being around these types of celebrations made him want to hit the bottle hard. There was a strong, almost unnatural pull on his chest. Almost every fiber of his being wanted to go to the closest bar and drink himself into a forgetful haze.

But thoughts of Ezra kept him focused. That’s why he was here: to do something for _Ezra_. What the hell kind of bastard would he be if he let himself get stupidly drunk instead of giving the kid something as basic as a toy?

Kanan found the stall easily enough from Chopper’s description. It was manned by a middle aged human man who was speaking with a younger Rodian woman. But Kanan didn’t see the stuffed Lothwolf that Ezra had been interested in.

The woman walked away with her purchase and the man turned to Kanan. “Can I help you?”

“Yeah,” Kanan said slowly. “My… son and droid were here earlier. I heard there was a Lothwolf toy…”

The man gave him a strange look before he nodded. “I just sold the one out here, but I gotta another back here.” He turned around and dug through a box before holding it up for Kanan.

Kanan took it and looked it over. He had no idea what he was looking _for_ , but he felt like he should make sure it was… good enough? It seemed well made. It was soft and squishy. It was pretty cute, if Kanan were honest with himself.

“So… You’re the boy’s father…”

Kanan stiffened at the way the man said it, as if disapproving. “Yes. What of it?” Kanan challenged. The man was looking Kanan up and down, which only served to aggravate him more. Why the hell was this man looking at him with so much judgement? “Look, I’m just here to get my kid a toy…”

The man nodded slowly. “And are you gonna go drinking as well?”

A lump lodged itself into Kanan’s throat as his eyes widened. Kanan was torn between wondering how the hell this man would know about his drinking problem and wanting to vehemently deny it.

“Your boy seemed awfully concerned about it,” the man went on. “He wanted to get you something to make you happy and keep you from drinking.”

And all at once, Kanan’s anger drained away, his shoulders slumping. All that was left was the all too familiar feeling of something rotten and disgusting in his core. He had figured Ezra had gotten him the syrup for that reason, but it still hurt to hear it confirmed. “I’m not going drinking,” Kanan said quietly, his gaze focused on the lothwolf.

The man was silent for a moment. Then he responded, “You know… There are places - groups - that could help you.”

Kanan frowned, shooting the stall owner a look of confusion. He was surprised to see the man gazing at him in sympathy. “What are you talking about?”

The man gave a sad chuckle. “You think you’re the only person with a drinking problem? Even before the war, there were plenty of people who would turn to the bottle no matter what the reason. Including myself.”

Kanan raised an eyebrow. It’s not that he didn’t know there were other alcoholics out there. It was just… he wasn’t sure he had ever met one before. At least, not one who actually acknowledged that it was a problem.

“Getting yourself out of that hole… it’s not easy. But you obviously _want_ to stop… And that’s a good first step.” The man pulled out a piece of flimsi and began writing on it. “My name’s Usar Tamat. I help run a group that’s aimed to help people deal with their addictions.” He held the flimsi to Kanan. “If you ever feel you need help, or just want to talk to someone who actually knows what it’s like, stop on by.”

Kanan took it wordlessly, having no idea what to say. Truthfully, none of that sounded appealing. He had Ezra and Hera. He didn’t need anybody else.

“There’s no pressure,” Usar added. “And no judgement. I promise, most of us have done our share of shameful stuff because of drinking.”

Kanan shook his head. He really didn’t want to think about it. He muttered a thanks as he stuffed the flimsi into his pocket. “How much for the wolf?”

“Ten credits,” Usar said.

Kanan dug out the money and handed it to Usar before he started to walk back to the _Ghost_ , ignoring the annoying buzzing in his head. He had not been expecting his alcoholism to come up. And of all the reactions  _to_ his alcoholism, he had not expected _sympathy_. What he expected was judgement and ridicule. Those would have made sense. What kind of father drank so much his kid had to buy his dad a present to make him feel better?

Not that he was Ezra’s father. He wasn’t. But these people all thought he was. And either way, his drinking was not okay.

Kanan held the wolf tightly as his stomach rolled uncomfortably. Why couldn’t alcohol, just, not exist? Or he was allergic to it or something?

As he approached the _Ghost,_ he tried to ignore the bitter sour bits in his stomach. He hoped Ezra wasn’t able to sense it. And if he was, he hoped Ezra didn’t internalize any of it.

He shook his head with a sigh, feeling useless.

When he walked up on board, he briefly reached over their bond to sense Ezra sitting up in the Common Room. Kanan looked down at the wolf, contemplating what exactly he was going to say. Just ‘Happy Birthday’ seemed wholly inadequate. But what else _could_ he say? ‘Sorry I’m a useless drunk'? 'Sorry it took me literally months to buy you a damned toy’?

By the time he reached the Common Room, he still hadn’t thought of anything better to say. So taking a big breath, he held the wolf behind his back before stepping in. “Ezra?”

Ezra was gazing grumpily at one of his holos, his legs kicking the bench restlessly. He stopped when Kanan came in, sitting up and gazing intently at him. His eyes swept over him for a moment before his shoulders relaxed. “Y-You’re back…”

The hard lump was back in Kanan’s throat as he realized that Ezra thought he had gone drinking. “Yeah. I just went out to get something…” He brought the wolf in front of him.

Ezra’s eyes widened at the sight of it, his mouth opening soundlessly. When he didn’t move, Kanan stepped closer and sat down on the bench next to him, offering the toy to him. “This is for you, Ezra.”

Somehow, Ezra’s eyes got wider. He reached forward and touched it tentatively before looking up at Kanan. “H-How…?”

“Chopper said you took a liking to it.” Kanan nudged the toy forward. “Take it. It’s yours.”

Ezra seemed like he was in a state of shock. He made no move to take the stuffed animal from Kanan, but he also didn’t pull his hand back. So Kanan gently pushed it up until it was almost touching Ezra’s chest. That was when Ezra wrapped his skinny arms around the large toy, immediately squeezing it and burying his face into the fur. 

Kanan gave a small smile, brushing Ezra’s hair back. “Happy birthday, Ezra.”

Ezra made a small noise of surprise as a small spike of fear emanated from him. He looked up at Kanan hesitantly.

“Chopper told me,” Kanan said quietly, still stroking Ezra’s hair. “Even if it wasn’t your birthday, it’s about time I got you an actual toy to play with.”

Ezra held the wolf tightly, his eyes welling with tears. “B-But…”

“But _nothing,_ Ezra. You’re a kid, and _all_ kids should be free to play with some kriffing toys. No matter what your stupid relatives said to you.”

Slowly, Ezra nodded, a tear falling down his face and disappearing into the faux fur. “Thank you, Kanan,” he whispered, leaning in against Kanan’s side.

Kanan wrapped an arm around him and held him tightly. “No problem, kiddo.”

The rest of the evening passed easily enough. There was a sort of tension in the air between him and Hera. It wasn’t necessarily an uncomfortable tension, but it was still there. The moment they had shared earlier was obviously on both of their minds, but neither of them wanted to bring it up.

Ezra, meanwhile, was permanently attached to his new stuffed animal. It made Kanan smile every time he watched Ezra walk around with it. He even kept the toy by his side during dinner.

Hera seemed equally amused by the sight. “Have you thought of a name?” Hera asked.

Ezra swallowed down his current bite before glancing over at the wolf. Then he turned back to the table with a smile. “Caleb!”

Kanan stiffened slightly. “Really?” he said as casually as possible.

Ezra nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, like your friend from the Temple.” He held the wolf in front of him at arm’s length, smiling affectionately. “It just feels right.”

Oh boy. That was going to get… confusing for Kanan. But it was more than worth it to see Ezra so happy.

After dinner, they all settled down in the Common Room to watch a holo movie. Ezra curled up against Kanan’s side with Caleb held tightly while Hera read a datapad, lounging in her chair. By the time the movie was over, Ezra was snoozing softly. Saying goodnight to Hera, Kanan picked him up and carried him to bed. Ezra mumbled a little protest, but he was sound asleep by the time Kanan had tucked him in, still holding onto the wolf. Kanan smiled, smoothing a hand over his hair and kissing his forehead.

As he got himself ready for bed, he found the flimsi in the pocket. He pulled it out and gazed at it skeptically. It had an address and a time, noting that they met every night. Kanan sat down at his bunk with a soft sigh. The last drink he had was a week ago. It had been the middle of the night and Ezra had been sleeping peacefully. He didn’t know why he had had the urge, but it had hit him like him like a freighter. He was confident that he had kept it hidden from Ezra and Hera, but he still felt like an utter failure the next day.

He tapped the flimsi anxiously. He just didn't see how getting in a room with a bunch of people like him would be helpful. Still… it couldn’t hurt to go once, right? See what it was like… At the very least, he could tell himself he was _trying_ every possible avenue to curb his alcohol cravings. That was better than nothing.

He shoved the flimsi back into his pocket before changing into his night clothes and crawling into his bunk. With images of Ezra happily running around with his stuffed wolf floating around his mind, Kanan closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep, bringing Empire Day to a close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just FYI, I'm focusing on this fic for NaNoWriMo. My goal is to finish the first draft of the ENTIRE story by the end of the month. My guess is that there's something like 15-20 chapters left to it. Once I have the first draft done, the chapter updates will become a lot easier and more frequent.


	29. Mission Error I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A mission has gone badly, and Ezra is not happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly not terribly pleased with this mini-arc (this and next chapter), but it needed to happen for a variety of reasons. Hope it's still enjoyable!

They were late.

That in of itself was not unusual. If there was one thing Ezra has learned over the past year, it was that Kanan and Hera's jobs never went as planned. But things were different this time.

It had been fourteen hours since Hera or Kanan had checked in.

Chopper was sitting next to him, one of his manipulators on Ezra’s shoulder. He had given up trying to make Ezra feel better, partially - Ezra suspected - because Chopper was just as worried as he was.

The last meal Ezra had eaten was ten hours ago. Despite Chopper’s best efforts, Ezra had refused to go to sleep. He had, at one point, curled up on Kanan’s bed. The scent had made him feel minutely better, but as more and more time passed, the horrible sickly anxiety in his stomach only got worse. Ezra was both exhausted and keyed up. Three hours ago, it reached a point where it had paralyzed him. He curled up on the ramp, keeping an eye and ear out for the  _Phantom_ , and had barely moved since.

However, it was not the worrying delay that terrified Ezra most. No, that honor belonged to Ezra’s sense of Kanan. Particularly, the fact that their bond felt extremely weak.

Kanan usually put a block up during missions in order to focus. That's how he explained it to Ezra. It was a thick curtain that made sure Ezra didn't unwittingly broadcast anything that might distract Kanan and put him in danger. Ezra could push through and make contact with Kanan if he _really_ wanted to, but he never has. Ezra knew it was important for Kanan to remain focused on their missions.  

But this? This was like the bond - the thick rope that tied them together - was fraying. Or like it was being pushed down to almost nothingness. It terrified Ezra. It was too much like the wall Kanan had put up before he abandoned Ezra on Ossus.

Ezra was holding Caleb tightly, his face buried in his fur. He was clinging to all his memories from the past year. The feeling of Kanan's arms around him, the sound of Kanan's voice as he assured Ezra that he was never going to leave him behind again, all the brief moments they shared over their bond, the pride and love he could feel from Kanan… With all these memories in mind, Ezra repeatedly told himself that everything was okay. That Kanan was coming back.

But even as he tried to bury himself in these reassurances, he felt as though the bond between them was slipping away. Cruel voices danced around him mockingly, crawling all over his skin and digging into his brain. They were yanking Ezra back into older memories. Memories of Kanan leaving him, of his relatives sneering at him. The voices grew louder, telling Ezra that Kanan was just waiting for the right opportunity to dump him. There was no reason to keep him around. He was just a useless nobody, a freeloading sewer rat who should have been put down when he was born.

Ezra suddenly blinked, realizing that the bond was starting to feel a little less slippery. While it was still heavily muffled, it didn’t feel so… tenuous. He slowly lifted his head, gazing blankly out at the Lothalian plains as he felt the bond slowly strengthening. It didn’t do much to relieve the mind numbing panic that had lodged into his brain, but it was better than before.

Something beeped, and Chopper suddenly swiveled his head toward Ezra, excitedly telling him he was getting a message from Hera. It wasn’t a holo, just a coded binary message, but apparently she was telling him that they were going to be back in an hour.

Ezra looked over at Chopper hesitantly. “K-Kanan?” he asked.

Chopper hummed for a moment, considering what he was about to say. Ezra’s anxiety spiked. What was wrong? Was Kanan not with her?

Then Chopper slowly said that there had been an accident, but Mom and the Stupid Jedi were okay now.

He relaxed minutely at that. “W-What kinda accident…?”

Chopper just shrugged before grabbing Ezra’s jumper and gently tugging on it, insisting that he had to eat something before they got back. Ezra gave a small nod, slowly getting up and following Chopper to the galley. He reached over their bond, trying to make contact with Kanan…

Still nothing.

Ezra’s grip on Caleb tightened. If they were both okay now, why was Kanan still keeping him out? The bond continued to twist - becoming stronger and thicker again - but Ezra still couldn’t actually reach Kanan.

Chopper shoved a ration bar into his hand, and Ezra shakily opened it before forcing himself to chew on it. It felt tougher than normal, making it difficult to chew. His mouth was unnaturally dry as he fidgeted. What was going on? From what Chopper had said, Kanan was with Hera, which meant he was coming back. But why hadn't he opened up their bond then? Why was Kanan still pushing him out?

At the sound of the _Phantom’s_ engines, Ezra immediately ran to the Common Room, gazing up at the hatch anxiously. Every moment felt agonizingly long as he listened. There was loud clang as the _Phantom_ slid into place. Then there was the low whir of the shuttle magnetizing with the  _Ghost_. The engines did their normal hiccup before powering down, the shuttle going through it's shut down sequence. Then Ezra could hear some muffled talking and some slow moving footsteps.

The hatch finally opened, and Ezra could only see Hera. He still had an arm wrapped around Caleb as he gripped one of the ladder rungs tightly. “Kanan!” he cried out.

“I’m okay, Ezra…” His voice was low and gravelly. Strained, like he was in pain.

“Step back, love. I need to help him get down.” Hera was smiling, but her eyes were crinkled in worry.

Ezra took a few steps back, his body stiff with tension as he held Caleb tightly. He shifted restlessly from foot to foot as he watched Hera climbed down a few rungs. Then she stopped, reaching up with one hand as Kanan slowly started to step down. Hera placed her hand up against Kanan, helping him stay steady as he shakily climbed down. As for Kanan, he was shirtless, a large white bandage wrapped around his middle. His skin was pale, like when he was sick but not quite as sweaty or blotchy. His muscles were trembling with effort.

“Kanan…!” Ezra moaned, practically hopping in place in agitation.

“It’s not that bad…” Kanan growled through gritted teeth.

Hera rolled her eyes, her annoyance loud in the Force. “You’re not fooling anyone, Kanan.”

They made it all the way down the ladder, but Ezra kept himself from tackling Kanan like he usually did. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Kanan more. Instead he kept a death grip on his lothwolf. “What happened?!” he asked, his voice squeaking.

“I may or may not have been shot…” Kanan said as Hera helped him over to the holotable bench.

Ezra felt his insides go cold. Kanan was shot? Like, _shot_ shot? Like, that thing that usually kills people? It felt like the oxygen in the  _Ghost_ was being sucked away as Ezra realized what was happening to their bond earlier. The fraying, the slipperiness... Kanan had been _dying_.

“We had to stop at a med center in Imperial space,” Hera explained. “That’s why we weren’t able to contact you earlier.”

Kanan let out a low moan as he sat down. “I’ll be okay, kiddo.”

Ezra shook his head, slamming himself against the wall that still held strong in their bond. “You’re _not_ okay! Why are you pushing me out?! Why won’t you let me in?!”

Hera stepped closer to him, her hand outstretched to comfort him. “Ezra, sweetheart…”

Ezra immediately stepped back, his eyes fixed on Kanan as they filled with tears. “You promised! You promised you’d never push me out again…!”

Kanan’s eyes widened in realization. He spoke frantically as the wall thinned and slowly disappeared “Ezra, I’m so sorry! I didn't realize! I just did it because I didn’t want you to scare you…!”

“IT DIDN’T WORK!” Ezra yelled, panting heavily as all of the pent up anxiety, fear, and worry twisted together and exploded out of him. “I didn’t know what was going on, and I knew _something_ was wrong, and I thought you might be leaving me for good even though that didn’t make any sense, and _you weren’t responding!"_

He could feel Kanan reaching over their bond to comfort him, but it just made Ezra angrier. He pushed Kanan out. “You _promised_ me!”

“Ezra, I’m _so_ sorry…!”

Something in Ezra snapped. “No you’re NOT! If you were _sorry_ , you wouldn't have DONE it!” he screamed, tears running down his face. 

"Ezra...!"

He shook his head. He couldn't do this. He couldn't breathe, he could hardly think... So Ezra ran out. He ran straight to his own room, locking the door behind him and curling up in the far corner, not bothering to turn the lights on. He could sense Kanan gently probing him, but Ezra shoved him aside. He was angry. Frustrated. Why would Kanan _do_ something like this? Kanan had been hurt, _shot_ , struggling to even move, and he wanted to _push Ezra out?!_

Ezra was crying, and he wasn’t even sure why. He wasn’t sad or scared. He was just… _angry_.

He was starting to think Chopper had a point. Kanan _was_ stupid.

* * *

“... Kriff…” Kanan moaned, burying his face in his hands.

Hera’s eyes were wide as she looked in the direction Ezra had disappeared to. That was not the reaction she had been expecting. Her gaze zeroed in on Kanan. “What did you do?”

“Why do you assume it’s _my_ fault?” Kanan replied indignantly.

“Well, I’m assuming you were apologizing to him for _some_ reason...”

Kanan scowled, leaning back against the bench with a small wince of pain. “I didn’t want Ezra…” He gestured his stomach. “... experiencing this second hand.”

Hera frowned slightly - How would Ezra experience Kanan being shot? - before she remembered. “Your bond,” she stated.

Kanan nodded. “I mean, I usually block it somewhat during missions. I don’t want to get distracted while dodging blaster fire.” He let out a tired sigh. “I guess I made the block too strong this time. It didn’t occur to me what it might look like to Ezra...”

A few things went through Hera’s mind as she sat down next to Kanan. Foremost was that she still knew almost nothing about their Force bond. Or anything remotely Jedi related. Of course, she knew what she had heard from her father as a child, about what the Jedi and clones had done for Ryloth during the Clone Wars. However, except for the few times she had caught them meditating, Kanan has not done  _any_ Jedi training. Not by himself, not with Ezra... nothing. To be fair, there were a couple times where she had been gone for weeks at a time doing a solo mission for Fulcrum, but she highly doubted Kanan had been giving Ezra intense lectures on Jedi dogma in those times.  

She didn't know how to address it. In general, she had no problem kicking Kanan’s ass if it meant he pulled his head out of it. And he certainly trusted her. In the last year, they had grown very close. He often came to her when he was upset or frustrated, especially if Ezra was involved. But to her constant frustration, he still had a tendency to clam up every time anything even remotely relating to the Jedi came up. It wasn't healthy for him  _or_ Ezra. While he didn't seem to shy away from their shared bond anymore, Kanan needed to step up and be more than Ezra's guardian. He needed to be Ezra's master and help him learn to control his powers.

At least, that's what Hera believed. There was so much she didn't understand about their bond or the Force or the Jedi...

Well, there was only one way to change that.

“How _well_ can you and Ezra communicate over your bond?” Hera asked carefully.

Kanan glanced at Hera before returning his gaze back to the middle of space. “I don’t know… Sometimes it feels like we can say a lot to each other over our bond.”

Hera raised an eyebrow. “You can actually talk to each other?”

“Well… not with words. More like feelings.” He turned to her with a questioning look. “Why?”

Hera chuckled. “You’re kidding, right?”

Kanan frowned. “What?”

“This bond you two share is a huge part of your relationship, and I never really get to see it. Which is fine, but I still want to understand the basics. For example, it would have been really helpful if you could have just, I don’t know, sent Ezra a message while you were being treated at the Imperial med center, letting him know we were alive and okay. It’s not like the Empire could have tracked it, and Ezra was obviously worried sick…”

“Yeah, well I was a little preoccupied at the time.” Kanan shifted in his seat, cringing again.

Hera's eyes crinkled in sympathy. “Do you need any more pain meds?” Hera asked softly.

Kanan shook his head. “I’ll be fine. Honestly, I just want to sleep.”

“You don’t want to try talking to Ezra first?”

“Ezra doesn’t want to talk to me right now.” He tapped the side of his head. “That much I can tell.”

"Just because he doesn't  _want_ to doesn't mean you shouldn't," Hera pointed out. 

"Hera... I literally got out of the bacta tank a few hours ago. I'm exhausted. Let Ezra cool off a bit... and I'll talk to him later. I promise."

Hera let out a soft sigh. “Alright,” She stood and offered her hand. "Let's get you to bed, then."

Kanan took her hand with a grateful smile. She carefully pulled him up and put his arm over her shoulders, letting him lean against her as they slowly walked toward his cabin. Internally, it made Hera smile. This was such a departure from the early days. The dozens of incidents where Kanan would outright refuse help from her... Drunk, hungover, injured: it didn’t matter. Kanan never wanted Hera’s help. Honestly, she had been the same. They were both so used to being on their own, of having no one but themselves to rely on. Neither of them wanted to rely on anyone else unless they absolutely had to.

But time had passed, and that stubborn pride had been worn away for both of them. They were comfortable with one another, and helping each other out had become as natural as breathing.

Hera pressed the button to Kanan's cabin, the door opening. “Ezra’s not here…” she observed.

Kanan gave an empty chuckle. “He must _really_ be angry with me.”

She helped him sit down on his bunk before kneeling down and starting to unlace his shoes. There was no way Kanan could do this himself right now with his wound as tender as it was. “Maybe this is a good thing.”

"What, you taking my clothes off?" 

Hera gave his leg a light slap. "No... I mean Ezra being angry with you."

Kanan looked down at her incredulously. “You’re joking, right?”

“Ezra is ten years old. He’s a little old to be sleeping in the same room as you every night.”

“It’s not _every_ night…”

Hera rolled her eyes. “You know what I mean. Just a few weeks ago, you were telling me how much better he sleeps now. This might be a sign that Ezra is ready to gain a little independence.”

Kanan looked liked he wanted to argue. But then he shut his mouth, his eyes narrowing as he contemplated what she said. Then his shoulders slumped as he sighed. "Yeah… you might be right.”

"I'm not saying you should kick him out or anything like that," Hera said. "But if he's willingly taking time to spend in his own space... that's a good thing. You can't shelter him forever."

"Watch me," Kanan murmured.

She knew he wasn't being serious. Well, not completely serious. Kanan knew on some level that he couldn't protect Ezra forever. But this was a good first step.

Hera finished taking Kanan’s boots off and he gave a little mumble of thanks. She got up and sat down on the bunk next to him with a sigh. “Besides, Ezra has good reason to be angry with you. You’re an idiot for that stunt you pulled.”

Kanan closed his eyes with a tired sigh. “And what was I supposed to do?”

“We both know you could have easily jumped out of the way.”

“Yeah, with speed and reflexes that are just a _little_ too fast to be human.”

“They probably wouldn’t have even noticed! And it would have been way more preferable to getting shot in the gut!”

“Hey, I ended up being fine…”

Hera sighed, leaning her forehead on Kanan’s shoulder. “I thought you were going to die…”

For a moment, Kanan didn’t respond. Then he slowly raised his arm and wrapped it around her shoulders, pulling her up against his side. “I’m going to be fine,” he said again.

“I know,” Hera said softly. “That doesn’t make you any less of an idiot.”

They sat there for a while, enjoying each other’s warmth. This wasn’t anything new. There have been many quiet moments like this, where they were comfortable enough to share a little bit of physical affection. There had never been anything sexual - not even a kiss - because technically they were still just partners. Their obvious affection for each other was a topic they hadn’t broached yet. Even though it was plain to see that their relationship was evolving, neither of them had had the courage to bring it up. Honestly, it had been a shock for Hera when she realized she actually wanted more. It had happened suddenly. The thought struck her brain in the middle of repairs a few months ago. Looking back, she knew these feelings had been building for a while now. She had just chosen to ignore them. Now she was constantly grappling about what she should _do_ with them.

And Kanan, hound dog that he was when they first met, had never taken these quiet moments any further than Hera took them. One thing was becoming clear: she was going to have to make the first move herself.

But now wasn’t the time for that. So with a reluctant sight, Hera pulled away. “You should get some rest.”

Kanan nodded, cringing as he turned to lay down on his bunk. "Check on Ezra," he mumbled, closing his eyes.

“I will. Just get some sleep.” Hera turned off the light as she walked out. When the door to Kanan's cabin closed, she let out a long sigh, leaning heavily against the wall. What a day. Frankly, she needed to sleep as well. They had both been going non-stop since the beginning of their mission. And she had not gotten a single wink of sleep while the surgical droid had treated Kanan's blaster shot. She was physically and emotionally exhausted.

She walked over to Ezra’s room and knocked on the door. “Ezra?” No reply. "Ezra." She tried to open the door, only to find it locked. That wasn't good. “Ezra, love, please let me in.”

After a few moments with still no response, worry began to niggle at her. She entered the override code into the door's control panel, and it opened.

The cabin lights were off, but enough light poured in from the hallway for her to find Ezra curled up on his bunk with his wolf. He seemed to be sleeping deeply. Walking closer, she could see dried tear tracks staining his cheeks. She gave a small smile of sympathy, grabbing a blanket and pulling it over him.

Ezra let out a small moan, his eyes fluttering open. "... 'era..." he mumbled.

"Shh..." She smoothed a hand over his hair. "Go back to sleep, love."

With a tired nod, Ezra grabbed the edge of the blanket and pulled it tighter around him as he curled back up and fell back to sleep.

Hera stayed there for another minute, making sure Ezra was sleeping peacefully, before getting up and leaving him be. Then, with a long tired sigh, she made a direct line for her own cabin, barely even kicking off her boots before she fell in her bunk, going out like a light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, working hardcore on this story for NaNoWriMo... I don't think I'll be able to finish a complete draft. This story is probably going to be ~50 chapters long...


	30. Mission Error II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kanan and Ezra have a much needed discussion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short, but it has what it needs. I promise the next chapter is much longer and practically pure fluff.

Kanan didn’t know how long he slept for, partially because he had no idea what time he had gone to sleep. The only reason he was awake now was because of the horrid ache in his torso. With a tired moan and some great effort, Kanan managed to pull himself out of bed. His torso was stiff and his stomach was throbbing in pain. The medical droid might have fixed his stomach, but Kanan wasn’t going to be able to do much for the next couple weeks while it was healing. Taking deep breaths, Kanan slowly made his way to the common room where the medkit and, more importantly, the painkillers were.

He settled down at the holotable with the kit, taking out the painkillers and swallowing them dry. He let out a tired sigh, knowing he should replace is bacta patch while he was at it. In the past, this would been the time where he would grab the closest bottle of liquor and take a few generous gulps before treating yet another injury. As it was now, he was just going to have to grit his teeth.

He pulled the bandage away with a slight grunt, the need for just a burning shot of _something_ pressing hard on his mind. Not even the pain was enough to distract him from the sudden and overwhelming urge to find a bottle somehow someway.

Once he finished rebandaging himself, he leaned back in his seat with a sigh. The need for alcohol was still there, but it wasn't so strong that he couldn't shove it to the back of his mind.

He’d actually been doing well the last few months. This was the longest he had gone without a drink since he was sixteen. And as much as he was begrudged to admit it, his success was due a lot in part to those meetings Usar had introduced him to.

It was months after Usar gave him that flimsi that Kanan finally went to one. And only because Hera pushed him to. She had found the flimsi and asked about it. After which she all but dragged him to a meeting, saying how much it could help. Kanan had had severe doubts about that, but went anyway, if for no other reason than to prove Hera wrong.

At first, it was a little unnerving. The whole meeting was oddly ritualistic. There was a script that they followed at the beginning and end of each one, laying out the purpose of the meeting, detailing the program these meetings were part of, and how the program works. Every. Single. Time. Kanan sat through the first one hunched over in the corner, trying everything in his power not to roll his eyes.

Oddly enough, it was what happened afterward that made Kanan start to rethink this whole idea. Usar was friendly, having remembered him from before. He introduced Kanan to a couple other people and they just… talked. Like normal people. Kanan had thought he would have to talk about his problems, which he refused to do under any circumstances. He didn’t expect the conversation to be so focused on drinking… and _just_ drinking. The obsession with it, the need for it, the love-hate relationship they all seemed to share with the substance…

Almost none of them were alike. Different species, genders, jobs, ages…. All united by their singular need to drink.

It was oddly freeing. Even though Kanan couldn’t talk about any other part of his life, he didn’t need to. Others did. Some talked a lot about their personal lives, but most seemed completely content to never go into the details of their pasts. The alcoholism, the understanding, the shared feelings and experiences relating to alcohol… it was surprisingly encompassing.

Some of them went to meetings every single day. Thankfully, Kanan didn’t need to go that often. He just went a few times a month, when the urge got so overwhelming he knew he was going to pick up again. And even then, he was starting to find that he needed to go less and less. Like he had found a new equilibrium in his life.

Not that he didn’t still have urges. Like now. Now would be a great time to go to a meeting. Too bad he _really_ didn't want to explain why he got shot in the gut. What do you mean you got in trouble with the Imperials and it had nothing to do with alcohol?

Kanan sighed, closing his eyes. He wanted to lay back down, but the journey back to his bunk was just so daunting.

The door to the common room suddenly opened, and he looked over to see Ezra. He had his arms wrapped around his chest, his eyes fixed on the ground. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

Kanan gazed at him for a moment, trying to figure out what to say. Then he sighed, patting the seat next to him. “C’mere.”

Ezra hesitated for a moment before giving a small nod and crawling up on the bench next to Kanan. Kanan wrapped an arm around Ezra’s shoulders, noting the slight tremble running through his body. “You’re not in trouble,” he said softly.

Ezra glanced up at Kanan before fixating his gaze back down on his lap. “I-It’s okay,” he mumbled.

Kanan frowned, having no idea what Ezra was talking about. “What’s okay?” he asked carefully.

Ezra’s trembling became more pronounced as he let out a shaky sigh. “Y-You can hit me. I-I know I d-deserve it…”

“ _What?!_ ”

Ezra flinched away at the outburst, his body curling tighter on itself. “It’s okay…” he repeated, even though his fear was bleeding over their bond.

“I am _not_ going to _hit_ you!”

Either Ezra didn’t understand him or didn’t believe him, because his breathing quickened and his fear spiked.

A mixture of anger, disgust, and incredulity made Kanan’s stomach clench - literally - painfully. After all this time, months upon months of taking care of the kid, why would Ezra think Kanan would ever raise a hand to him, even for a second?

Placing a hand over his wound with a small groan, Kanan forced himself to breath evenly. He closed his eyes and put up a small mental block to keep his own emotions in check. “Ezra…” he said, forcing his voice to stay even and calm. “Listen to me: I am _not_ going to hit you.”

“Why not?” he asked earnestly, his eyes brimming with tears. “I yelled at you, I-I deserve it. You’ve never punished me before, but I was bad and I-I need to be punished!” Tears started to fall down his face. “Please, Kanan, please please please…!”

Ignoring the stiffness in his stomach, Kanan placed his hands on Ezra’s shoulder and pulled him up to his chest. He held him as tight as he could, cradling Ezra’s head to his shoulder. “Shh, Ezra…” Kanan hushed, trying to keep his own panic from rising. There were many things he needed to address, but first and foremost he need to get Ezra to calm down.

Ezra let out a hiccuping sob. “I can take it…” he whimpered. “I promise I can…”

“Shh…” He tentatively reached over their bond. There was a storm of nasty emotions swirling inside Ezra’s head. He could hear Ezra’s relatives, justifying every time they had hurt and terrorized the boy.

_“You brought this on yourself…”_

_“Bad boys need to be punished.”_

_“How else are you going to learn?”_

“They’re wrong,” Kanan whispered into his hair. “You never deserved to be treated like that…”

But what was even worse than the echos was Ezra’s certainty. It took a moment for Kanan to interpret what he was sensing. The boy was terrified, but certain in what he wanted - no, _needed_. He needed something, and Kanan’s efforts to soothe him didn’t seem to be helping that need.

Though it did seem to be calming Ezra down. His crying had reduced to sniffles and his trembling was mostly gone. Then with a shuddered breath, Ezra pulled away enough to look at Kanan’s bandage. He wiped at his face before gazing up at Kanan with red-rimmed eyes. “Y-You’re not gonna hit me…” he stated quietly.

Kanan cringed at the sound of disappointment in Ezra’s voice. “Of course not… why do you _want_ me to?”

Ezra squirmed, rubbing his hands along his arms. “I-It’d make you feel better…”

“Hitting you would _not_ make me feel better.” Kanan thought over his actions, trying to think of what might have given Ezra that impression. Sure, Kanan had enjoyed the occasional bar fight in the past, and he always found satisfaction in beating up a few stormtroopers, but Ezra had never been around to see any of that.

Now Ezra seemed confused. His eyes went unfocused as he started thinking things over in his head. “They… they were always in a better mood afterward…” he mumbled to himself.

It didn’t take a genius to figure out what Ezra was talking about. Gods, his relatives were kriffing sadists. He placed his hands on Ezra’s shoulders, gripping them firmly. “Ezra, I will _never_ hit. I will never _want_ to hit you.” He opened their bond as widely as he could to make sure Ezra felt his sincerity.

Ezra’s eyes widened slightly. Just as they got suspiciously wet, he quickly reached up to wipe them dry. “But yelled at you… I-I was bad…”

Kanan sighed. “You weren’t bad; you were angry. It’s okay to be angry. And if even if it _wasn’t,_ it wouldn’t give me justification to hit you.”

For a few moments, the kid didn’t respond. He seemed to be thinking it over. “Why’d you push me out?” he asked quietly.

“I wasn’t trying to push you out,” Kanan said. He placed a hand on the bandage.  “I just didn’t want you feeling any of this.”

Ezra shifted in his seat, hesitantly reaching down to place a hand over Kanan’s. “Y-You were shot…”

“Yeah…”

Ezra let out a shuddering sigh. “You… You almost died…” he breathed.

“I don’t know if I’d go that far...”

“I felt it! The bond was b-breaking! I thought you were tearing it apart!” he squeaked.

“But everything is fine now…”

Ezra shook his head, his panic and anger rising again. “You were dying… you were _dying_ and… and…”

Kanan wrapped his arms around Ezra again, hating himself for letting this happen. “I’m not dying, kiddo. Not anymore. I’m going to be fine now.”

“You could have… you _could_ have…!”

“But I _didn’t_.” Kanan squeezed him tightly, ignoring the pain. “I didn’t, Ezra.”

Ezra didn’t protest anymore, but Kanan could still keenly feel his agitation. Kanan just continued to hold and rock him, doing everything in his power to reassure the kid that everything was going to be okay. Holding him now, it occurred to him how much bigger Ezra had gotten in the last year. He was still small, but he no longer looked years young than his actually age.

Eventually Ezra relaxed in Kanan's arms, and he let out a soft sigh. He was frankly exhausted, but there was one more thing he wanted to address with Ezra before he passed out. “We need to have a conversation about our bond,” he said quietly.

Ezra frowned as he glanced up at Kanan. He was slightly nervous but also curious what Kanan had to say.

He gently tapped the side of Ezra’s head. “I can’t… _be_ here all the time for you. It’s just not possible, Ezra.”

“But you _promised_ ,” Ezra said earnestly.

“I promised I was never going to leave you again. I promised that I wouldn’t push you away. But keeping the bond open all the time… It’s just not practical.” Kanan chuckled. “Trust me. As you get older, you’re not gonna want me bouncing around your head."

Ezra didn't see the humor, his expression still bleeding distress as he gazed up at Kanan.

“I’m not saying I want the bond gone,” Kanan went on. “It’s always going to be there, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. But you also need to realize that I need my own space sometimes. And you do too.”

He watched as Ezra thought it over. He could practically see the kid’s gears whirring. “Is this because I yelled at you?”

Kanan closed his eyes, letting out a long tired sigh. “No, Ezra. This isn’t a punishment.” He ran his fingers through Ezra’s hair. “This is just part of growing up.”

A moment passed before Ezra gave a small nod. “Okay.”

Kanan sagged in relief. Now that that was dealt with, he desperately wanted to get some sleep. “Alright… I’m going back to bed…”

Ezra sat up. “Do you want help?”

“That’s alright, kiddo. I can manage.” Kanan put a hand against the back of the bench and started to push himself up with a grunt. His arm began to tremble from the effort and he ended up falling back into his seat. “You know what…?” he amended, the exhaustion really starting to get to him. “I’m just gonna… close my eyes… right here… for a moment…”

And that’s exactly what Kanan did. Although one moment turned into two. Which turned into three…

He was only faintly aware of Ezra curling up against his side before he was pulled down into unconsciousness.


	31. Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Ghost crew goes on a little vacation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was soooo fun to write. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Despite Kanan’s injury and the medical costs it had incurred, they had made a good profit from the job. It was enough that they could take it easy for a bit without having to worry about their savings.

“We should go somewhere,” Kanan said over dinner.

Hera raised her brow. “And where exactly should we go?”

“I don’t know. Somewhere new. Somewhere exciting or relaxing!”

“... You mean like a vacation?”

“Yes! _Exactly_ like a vacation!” They had spent the last three weeks Lothal-bound while Kanan recovered from his gut injury, and he was feeling more than a little stir-crazy.

“Isn’t that what we’ve been doing here on Lothal?” Hera said slowly.

“Are you crazy? We _live_ here. Lothal is more like… homebase. It’s where we live and recuperate, but it’s not a ‘vacation’. We should go somewhere _fun_.”

Hera sighed, leaning back in her seat and crossing her arms. “I don’t know…”

“It’ll be good for us. _All_ of us.” Kanan wrapped an arm around Ezra’s shoulders playfully, making him giggle. “We don’t have to go far. We could just go to Garel. Or Poseidenna! Some of the best views in the Outer Rim if you know where to look!”

That got Hera smiling. “That does sound nice…”

“Great!” Kanan clapped his hands together. “Then it’s settled!”

Was it a little impromptu? Yes. Did Kanan care? Not at all. With Hera’s skill as a pilot and the _Ghost’s_ ability to scramble its signature, it was simple matter to get to Poseidenna, despite its location in the Imperially occupied Calamari Sector. It helped that Poseidenna was of little interest to the Empire. Natural resources were limited, and there were higher-end vacation planets for Imperial citizens to visit.

Kanan had been here once with Janus. They stayed in an inn behind a waterfall. It was cheap, had great food, hot springs hidden in the depths of the cliff, _and_ a great view. It had only been for a day, but what a glorious day it had been. It had been the first time since the Order fell that young Caleb had been able to enjoy himself a bit.

It was that same inn that Kanan led them back to. The _Ghost_ was safely parked in a small landing field at the base of the waterfall, and they took an open air elevator up to the inn itself. Ezra had been enthralled by the elevator, laughing as the fine mist of the waterfall sprayed them.

Hera agreed to two days. They got two rooms - one for Hera and Chopper and another for Kanan and Ezra - and spent their first day just exploring the inn. For one reason or another, there was virtually no one else there. Talking to the owner, it was a mixture of the Imperial presence on nearby worlds making people nervous and the fact that it was technically off-season.

Kanan certainly didn’t mind, especially since that meant Ezra wouldn’t be on pins and needles the whole time. With practically the whole place to themselves, they were free to just be themselves. After they walked around the little inn and the cave it resided in, they ate some dinner then headed over to the hot springs.

There was an option for nude springs or family springs where you were supposed to wear your underwear. To the side, there were even hot oil baths for droids. For Ezra’s sake, they opted for the family springs, although even that proved to be a bit of a challenge.

Ezra had his arms crossed tightly around his chest. His shoes were off and he was dipping his toes in the water, but he was otherwise still fully clothed, reluctant to do much else. “I-I don’t know, Kanan…”

Kanan had already stripped down to his underwear and was standing in the spring. “It’s okay, Ezra. There’s no one else around except me and Hera.”

That was when Hera walked in, also in just her underwear. Kanan allowed himself exactly two seconds to admire the sight. She really was a gorgeous woman. But then he returned his attention to Ezra, and that was when he noticed that Ezra was eyeing Hera warily. Kanan frowned at that. “You’re nervous about Hera?” he asked softly, out of her earshot.

Ezra blushed and pointedly looked away, fiddling with the ends of his sleeves. “It’s dumb…” Ezra mumbled.

“It’s not dumb,” Kanan assured him. “Why don’t you just stick your feet in for now? We can come back tomorrow, just the two us. How’s that sound?”

Ezra’s shoulders relaxed as he nodded. “Okay.”

They spent almost an hour in the springs. Chopper sat at the edge next to Ezra as he kicked at the water. Kanan and Hera sat almost completely submerged, enjoying the hot water’s soothing effect on their tense muscles. “Is Ezra alright?” Hera asked Kanan quietly.

“Yeah, I think he’s just nervous about taking his clothes off in front of you. We’re going to come back later, just to two of us.”

Hera nodded, closing her eyes and lowering herself even further under the water.

Kanan didn’t even realize how late it was until Ezra had curled up at the side of the spring and drifted off to sleep. “Wow, it’s nearly 2230…” Kanan muttered.

“I think it’s time to put the little one to bed,” Hera said with a chuckle.

He nodded, getting out and drying himself off before picking Ezra up with a groan. He wondered how much longer he was going to be able to do this. Ezra seemed to be going through a little growth spurt, his legs dangling low out of Kanan's arms. Of course, Ezra didn’t let his size keep him from unconsciously curling up against Kanan’s chest.

Once Ezra was tucked into bed, Chopper plugged in and called it a night, saying he would keep an eye on him. Kanan gave a little half smile, knowing this meant he could spend with the rest of the night with Hera without worrying. “Thanks, Chop.”

He walked back out to find Hera dried and dressed. “How would you feel about watching a holomovie?” she asked.

“What kind of holomovie?”

Hera shrugged. “I don’t know. We hardly have anything on the _Ghost_ , and they have quite the library here.”

“Sure, why not?”

So not to disturb Ezra, they went to Hera’s room and scrolled through their list of movies. “Wow, they even have a few things the Empire has banned,” Hera noted.

Kanan scoffed, laying back on her bed with his hands behind his head. “I wonder how long that’ll last…”

“There’s even an old Rylothian classic on here!” Hera was grinning widely. “ _Port Des Ombres_.”

“The _Port of Shadows_?”

Hera turned to Kanan in surprise. “You speak Ryl?”

Kanan shrugged dismissively. “Enough to get by. I know the basics for a lot of languages.”

Hera chuckled. “Picked them up on your travels?”

For a moment, Kanan didn’t reply. Then he gave a small shake of the head. “All Initiates were required to know the essentials of at least ten languages,” he said quietly. "I... got overzealous and learned sixteen."

She seemed confused for a moment before it sunk in. “I didn’t know that… I mean, Mace Windu was basically fluent in Ryl but I didn’t know all Jedi had to learn so many languages.”

Kanan didn’t know what shocked him more: the fact that she dove right into the subject of his Jedi past, or that she brought up Master Windu. Of course, at this point he had already figured out that Hera must be related Cham Syndulla, Liberator of Ryloth and old friend of Master Windu’s. But she made it sound like she had actually _spoken_ to him. “You… knew Master Windu?”

Hera raised an eyebrow in surprise. Whether it was from the question itself or his willingness to stay on the topic of Jedi, Kanan wasn't certain. “Yes,” she said quietly. She turned back to the holoscreen. “He fought with my father during the war.”

Kanan abruptly sat up. “Wait, Cham Syndulla is your _father_?”

Hera merely gave a small sigh as a dull sense of annoyance rose up in her. “Yes,” she replied tersely.

Okay… So her father was _not_ open for discussion. Good to know. Kanan settled back into the bed, pointing at the holo. “So what’s this _Port of Shadows_ about?”

“It a tragic romance…” She gave him a skeptical look. “Don’t tell me you’re actually interested? It’s completely in Ryl.”

“Je connais assez le Ryl,” Kanan replied with a smirk.

Hera did not seem impressed. “J'ai des doutes.”

Kanan placed a hand on his chest in mock offense. “Tu ne me fais pas confiance? Après tout ce que nous avons vécu…”

He was sure Hera was about to roll her eyes out of her head. “Alright, fine. Just don’t complain to me when you get confused.”

The movie started, and Kanan followed it well enough. He had to concentrate since his Ryl was rusty at best, but he could follow the gist of everything. Although, it wasn’t just the language barrier that was making it hard to follow. Oh no. Because not even thirty minutes in, this gorgeous and vaguely terrifying woman tucked herself up against Kanan’s side. There was no prompt. No warning. It just… happened.

It should not have been some enormous shock. Over the past year, Kanan and Hera had gotten a lot closer with one another. Considering the amount of time they spent together, it was to be expected. And while there had been moments of physical affection, this was different. They’ve hugged and comforted each other before, but this was more intimate. Hera’s head was resting against the meat of his shoulder, her lekku draped over his arm. He wasn’t even sure _how_ his arm ended up wrapped around her back, his hand resting on her waist, but there it was.

Towards the end of the movie, Hera gave a small chuckle. “You have no idea what’s going on, do you?” she murmured against his chest.

Well yes, that was true, but not for the reason she thought. So Kanan opted not to say anything at all.

The credits rolled, and Hera looked up at Kanan. “What’d you think?”

“It was good,” Kanan said, his voice a little strained. He hoped she didn’t start asking him about the plot.

She didn’t. She simply stared up at him with her big green eyes. Kanan gave a small smile, unable to keep from appreciating the shape of her body. It fit so nicely against his side and under his arm, like a puzzle piece being slid into place. Her skin was smooth and seemed to almost glow in the dim light of the room. “Hera…”

He couldn’t get another word out before she pushed up and pressed her lips against his. Kanan immediately melted into the kiss with a low moan, closing his eyes and wrapping his arms tightly around her. Hera moved her body up, swinging a leg over so she was straddling his waist. She reached up and ran her fingers through Kanan’s hair, easily pulling the hair tie out before twisting her fingers in his long strands of hair. Kanan’s hands were sliding along her torso, feeling the curve of her body and slipping his hands beneath her shirt.

Hera pulled back from the kiss, sighing as she gazed down at him with a smile. “I’ve been wanting this for months.”

Kanan’s heart soared as he let out a breathy laugh. “Well… you know how I feel.”

She smirked. “Good to know it hasn’t changed~” Dipping her head back down, she kissed his neck with a soft sigh.

Every movement easily flowed into the next, their bodies warming as they explored. Kanan closed his eyes and let himself get lost into the sensations. And for the first time in years, he felt completely and truly relaxed.

* * *

When Hera woke up the next morning, she looked over and saw Kanan still asleep. He was laying on his back, the sheet only barely covering his middle. His mouth was open, but he wasn’t snoring. There was just the soft inhale and exhale as he breathed.

Smiling, she crawled over and nestled herself against Kanan’s side, tracing a finger over his chest. Humans really did have a lot of hair… Of course, she had seen him shirtless many times before, but it was different in this context. Instead of focusing on the injury or illness, she could actually appreciate the hills and valleys of his muscles.

Kanan’s body shifted, his face scrunching up. He stretched his body with a grunt, blinking down at Hera with a sleepy smile. “Hey.”

“Hey. Sleep well?”

Kanan nodded. “You?”

“Yeah.” Hera kissed the side of his pectoral. “Last night was fun.”

“It was...” Kanan moaned, pulling Hera closer against him. “Gods, I needed this.”

Hera nodded. “I did too. We’ve been dancing around this for months.”

“I know,” Kanan chuckled, running his fingers down Hera’s tchun. “I’m honestly surprised that you finally made a move.”

“I’ve been wanting to for a while,” Hera admitted. “Just waiting for the right moment I suppose.”

Kanan let out a sigh. “I know you’re not looking for anything permanent…”

Hera snorted. “We’ve been living with each other for nearly two years.”

“Yeah… but I know you’re not looking for, you know, a _real_ relationship.”

Hera rolled her eyes. “And how exactly do you define _real_ in this context?”

Kanan squirmed uncomfortably under her gaze. “Well… you know…”

She waited for him to elaborate. When several long seconds of silence passed, she let out a small sigh. It’s not like she was completely clueless as to what he was referring to. “I’m not about to stop fighting, if that’s what you’re referring to.”

“I know,” Kanan said adamantly. “And I respect that.”

Hera sat up, folding her legs underneath herself and facing Kanan fully. “Kanan, when we first met on Gorse, you wanted nothing to do with any sort of fight with the Empire. But that was two years ago. A lot’s changed since then. I’ve seen you on our missions, even the ones we do for Fulcrum. You enjoy being part of the fight.”

Kanan’s brow was furrowed slightly as he stared up at the ceiling, contemplating her words. “I like helping people,” he said quietly. “It certainly beats drunkenly wandering around the galaxy.”

Hera placed a hand on Kanan’s chest. “Before, I didn’t see the point of even considering a relationship when I thought you were going to leave at some point. But now that you’re here, now that we’re in this together for the foreseeable future… I don’t see a problem with this.” She leaned down, placing her hands on Kanan’s shoulders as she gave him a gentle kiss. “I _want_ this.”

Kanan smiled. It wasn’t a smirk or strained with amusement or doubt. He actually looked just _happy_. It made Hera smile in turn. Kanan snaked his arms around her back and pulled her into a deeper kiss, running his calloused hands up her back. Hera moaned as it caused pleasant shivers to run through her body.

Then Kanan reluctantly pulled away with a sigh. “Ezra’s waking up,” he murmured.

Hera tried to hide her disappointment. “Alright…” She sat back up, and this time Kanan got up as well. He grabbed his clothes and started to get dressed. “There’s always tonight.”

Kanan turned back to her with a smile as he adjusted his pants. “Yeah… tonight.”

* * *

Kanan and Hera were different today. Ezra couldn’t say _how_ they were different. They just were. It wasn’t a bad change - at least, Ezra didn’t think it was a bad change. They both just seemed more relaxed or something. Maybe it was the effect of the vacation. Kanan had said the point was to relax.

It made Ezra wonder if he seemed different too. He didn’t _feel_ any different. Was he doing this vacation wrong? Was it because he didn’t get into the spring last night?

There was a warm hand on his shoulder, keeping him from spiraling down into these thoughts. It was Kanan, silently telling him that everything was okay and that he should stop whatever it was he was thinking about. Ezra looked up at Kanan and gave a small smile, acknowledging him.

After a modest breakfast, they went exploring beyond the cave. There was a well-traveled path that led to the top of the cliff and ran alongside the river that led to the waterfall. With no one else around and an approving nod from Kanan, Ezra felt free to run up and down the path with Chopper. For one reason or another, Hera and Kanan were walking _super_ slow as they chatted about stuff. Ezra spent the time exploring the path ahead of them: tracing the waves of colour in the stone, playing nonsensical games with the patterns in the path itself, running his hands through the water…

Every now and then, Ezra would pause and gaze back at Hera and Kanan. Every time, he would again be struck by how different they seemed. His brow would furrow as he tried to figure it out. Most the change seemed to be in Kanan, though Hera was a little different as well. He just couldn’t figure out _how_.

But Ezra didn’t spend too much time thinking about it. They both seemed happy, so whatever it was, it couldn’t be bad. He chose to focus on exploring and racing with Chopper.

By the time they got back, Ezra was exhausted, but in a good way. His body and muscles were tired from how far they walked. He just wanted to lay down.

Kanan must have noticed, because he put a hand on Ezra’s back. “Why don’t you lie down and take a nap?” he suggested. “Then we can go to the springs afterward.”

Ezra nodded. “‘Mkay.” That sounded awesome, actually. He went back to their room, curled up with Caleb on their bed. He fell asleep almost instantly.

When he woke up, he sat up and rubbed his eyes, slightly surprised that Kanan wasn’t there. He reached out and sensed both he and Hera in her room. They must be hanging out. Ezra slid off the bed and went to walk over there.

That was when Chopper wheeled in front of him, asking where he was going.

“To Hera’s room.” Wasn’t that obvious?

 _Uh… no_.

Ezra frowned. “What do you mean ‘no'?”

Chopper gently pushed Ezra back into the bedroom. _You can’t go over there right now._   _Mom and the Stupid Jedi are… busy_.

‘Busy’ usually meant that Hera and Kanan were talking about stuff like missions, groceries, or ship maintenance. However, Chopper’s tone was different. Just like Kanan and Hera. “What’s going on…?” Ezra asked carefully.

 _Nothing_ , Chopper said a little too quickly. He grabbed Ezra’s hand and pulled him back into the room, hurriedly suggesting that Ezra watch a movie.

Ezra huffed. He reached over their bond and something strange happened: there wasn’t exactly a wall, but Kanan was actively pushing him out. There was the equivalent of a hurried assurance that everything was okay before he was shoved out. Not unlike how Chopper was pushing him back onto the bed.

Confused but not worried, Ezra let out a small sigh. “Fine…” he grumbled. He let Chopper chose a movie for him while he went over to his bag and pulled out his most recent project. It was an electronic lock from a crate. He sat on the bed and started to fiddle with it, trying to get it to open. Hera has been giving him a lot of these sort of locks lately. He loved it. He loved the puzzle of trying to open them.

The movie Chopper chose was some sort of planet-bound adventure. The planet had been taken over by an oppressive government. In an effort to survive, a group of mismatched outcasts join a larger underground network of rebels in an attempt to overthrow the government. It was entertaining to watch. Ezra had never seen a movie quite like it before. All the ones he had grown up with were the opposite: the noble ruling class sacrificing themselves to finally stop the treasonous terrorists.

But there was a small scene toward the end of the movie that stuck with Ezra more than the rest.

_“What am I supposed to do?!” Oliver exclaimed. “I can’t just leave you here! You’re like a - ” He abruptly stopped._

_Russell gazed up wearily at him, his hands still pressed to the wound in his side. “It’s okay to say it.”_

_Oliver shook his head adamantly. “No… It’s dumb… It’s not like you’re actually my father…” he muttered, his eyes filled with tears._

_“Family is about more than blood, Ollie.” He reached up with a bloodied hand, cradling his chin. “I’ve raised you since you were a teenager, watched you grow into a strong and compassionate warrior.” He gave a strained smile. “I’m proud of you… son."_

The movie went on from there. By a stroke of luck, Russell and Oliver were both saved in the nick of time. In the end, the main characters succeeded in killing the heads of the government and taking over.

At this point, Ezra had abandoned his little project and was holding Caleb to his chest, his chin pressed against Caleb's head as he considering that small scene. Whenever he thought about ‘Family’, he always thought about his relatives. He supposed his parents were also technically family, but he had no memories of them. The only memories of family he had were filled with pain, fear, and shame. 

 _Family is about more than blood_.

He fiddled with Caleb’s fur. Sometimes he and Kanan pretended to be father and son as a cover. But that was just the thing: it was pretend. Not real.

Still, something warm made his chest tighten at the concept of Kanan being his father. Ezra thought back on all of the stories he had read, where the father would feed and clothe his children, fight to protect them, guide and comfort them when they were upset… By a simple comparison, yeah, why _wouldn’t_ Kanan be his father?

But that caused a bubble of anxiety to rise up in him. What if he was missing something? What if this movie was just wrong? He wanted to ask Kanan about it, but whispers in his head started to taunt him. Kanan would get angry at him. He shouldn’t dare imply that Kanan would want a son like _him_. Taking care of him was one thing but to imply that they were somehow a _family_ was just one step too far.

On some level, Ezra knew that Kanan wouldn’t get mad at him. At least, he was _pretty_ sure he wouldn’t. But his anxiety was scrambling his good sense and Ezra had no idea what to do with these new thoughts.

As if on cue, the door to their room opened and Kanan walked in. “Hey kiddo. Have a good nap?”

Ezra squeezed Caleb more tightly as he nodded his head. “I-I wanted to get you earlier but Chopper said you and Hera were busy.”

Kanan stiffened, and Ezra could feel a small thread of… embarrassment?... leak through their bond. “Y-Yeah. Sorry about that. But we’re done now.” For some reason, Kanan cringed right there. “So we can go to the springs if you’re up for it.”

Ezra squirmed a little in his seat. “... Just us?”

Kanan smiled. “Yeah, just us.”

With that, Ezra jumped down with a smile, leaving Caleb behind as they went back to the springs. But even as Kanan began to undress, Ezra hesitated. It was stupid. It’s not like he’s never taken his clothes off in front of Kanan before. But then again, the clothes never stayed off for long. And Ezra couldn't help but think of his scars.

Kanan was down to his underwear, he put a hand on Ezra’s shoulder. “You okay?” he asked. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“N-No, I want to…” The springs really did look like a lot of fun. Ezra's eyes scanned over Kanan's torso and taking in the scars he had as well. They weren't nearly as bad as Ezra's but... 

He took a deep breath and pulled his shirt off. He couldn't help but look behind him, making sure there was no one there to see his back. Then with another deep breath, he pulled his pants down. At that point, he was more than eager to jump into the hot spring and hide his body underneath the water. He let out a small gasp when he did; the water was hotter than he had anticipated.

Kanan stepped in after him with a smile. “It’s nice, right?”

Ezra nodded, slowly paddling from one side of the pool to the other. His feet could touch the bottom if he wanted to, but he liked this pseudo swimming. And as long as he remained under the water, his scars stayed hidden away and he felt okay. 

Meanwhile, Kanan stayed to one edge, his arms laid on on the edges of the spring as he laid his head back and closed his eyes with a sigh.

Once swimming back and forth got boring, Ezra settled in nearby Kanan. His earlier anxiety about the notion of family was slowly raising it’s head again. “Kanan…?” he asked hesitantly.

“Yeah?” Kanan responded, his eyes still closed.

Ezra bit his lip, contemplating whether or not he should actually bring this up. What difference did it make? What did it matter?

When he didn’t respond, Kanan peeked his eyes open and lifted his head to glance down at him. “You okay?”

Ezra gave an automatic nod. “Y-Yeah, I-I just…” He hesitated for another moment before he sighed. “I-I wanted to ask you something.”

With a small frown, Kanan shifted so that he was facing Ezra fully, giving him his undivided attention. “What is it?”

His eyes were downcast, tracking his hands as he moved them under the water, making small bulges on the surface. “Chop and I were watching a movie earlier… and they were talking about f-family…”

Kanan moved closer to Ezra as he spoke. “Yeah?” he encouraged.

Ezra nodded. “We… Are we…?” The words got stuck in his throat, his anxiety choking him off.

“Family?” Kanan finished for him, his voice barely a whisper.

Hearing it out-loud made Ezra cringe. It was even worse hearing Kanan whisper it like it was a forbidden word. He quickly shook his head. “I-I’m sorry. It’s dumb…”

“It’s _not_ dumb,” Kanan said softly, wrapping his arms around him. He let out a small sigh. “I never knew my family,” he said. “I was taken from them when I was an infant, just like everyone else at the Temple.”

Ezra frowned. He didn’t know that. In that way, he supposed that meant they were a similar. Neither of them ever knew their parents. Of course, Ezra knew other family members. Though that thought made him shudder.

“There were teachers and the other younglings,” Kanan went on, tightening his arms around Ezra. “But I don’t think it’s the same thing. Even when I was with my master… She mentored and guided me, but it was nothing like this. Which I suppose is to be expected,” he said with a sigh. “The galaxy just isn’t what it used to be."

“Because of the Empire?” Ezra asked quietly.

Instead of responding, Kanan moved so he was kneeling in front of Ezra in the water, his hands on Ezra’s shoulders. “You’re not just my padawan. In fact, we’ve hardly done anything even remotely resembling a traditional Jedi apprenticeship,” he said with a soft chuckle. He had a strange expression on his face. In the Force, Ezra could sense a mixture of apprehension and affection. “I would be lying if I said the thought hadn’t occurred to me…” he said softly.

Ezra swallowed, his own apprehension mixing in with Kanan’s. “Th-The thought?”

“We _are_ family,” Kanan said with certainty. “I never thought I would ever have a child, yet here I am. You might not be my flesh and blood but who cares? Your flesh and blood were slimy bastards.” Kanan suddenly pulled Ezra in to a fierce hug. “You’re my son.”

Ezra was shaking, overwhelmed by Kanan’s declaration. His eyes began to burn, and he didn’t know why. He wasn’t sad or scared. He just felt full of some sort of… _good_ anxiety? It filled his chest and made him feel warm and buzzy. Then his mind caught up with Kanan’s words, and he realized: if he was Kanan’s son, then that meant that Kanan was his _father._

That was when the floodgates fully opened, and Ezra started crying against Kanan’s chest. Kanan ran his fingers through his hair, an action that always made Ezra feel safe and loved. “I love you,” Kanan murmured, his voice sounding wet.

Ezra tried to take a proper breath in so he could respond. “I… I-I love you too…” he sobbed, shaking hard in Kanan’s arms. He felt so stupid for reacting like this. He was _happy_. He shouldn’t be crying!

When his sobs finally subsided, Ezra pulled away, his breathing shuddered as he wiped his face. “‘M sorry.”

Kanan chuckled, patting his back affectionately. “It’s alright.”

Another thought occurred to him. “Does… Does this mean I should call you ‘Dad’...?” he asked nervously.

“You don’t have to,” Kanan said. In fact, he seemed uncomfortable by the notion. “You can call me by whatever makes you comfortable.”

Ezra sniffed as he thought about it for a moment. He tried it out in his head, attaching the word ‘Dad’ to the concept and memories that compromised Kanan. It was definitely strange. He’s always just been ‘Kanan’ to Ezra. And while the thought of him being Ezra’s father made him so happy, actually _calling_ him ‘Dad’ just didn’t feel right. “I-I think I’m gonna keep calling you Kanan,” he finally said.

Kanan’s shoulders slumped a little as he nodded with a smile. “That sounds good to me.” He gazed up at the springs’ chronometer. “Oh, it’s later than I thought... Why don’t we get dried off and go grab Hera for dinner?”

Ezra smiled and nodded. “Okay!” He couldn't stop smiling as he got dressed. He felt different now too. That same sort of good-different Hera and Kanan had. 

He guessed the vacation worked its magic on all of them. Except Chopper, but Chopper probably didn't mind. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I apologize for my google translated french XP If any of you speak it and want to correct me, please feel free.)
> 
> So this is probably my last chapter of the year, it seems as good a stopping point as any. 
> 
> I have through chapter 43 drafted out. My guess is that there's maybe ten chapters after that I still need to go before I get to the end. (Good god, I can't believe this is becoming a 50+ chapter story...) Honestly, I could probably write this story out forever, but I do need to stop at some point in order to work on other projects X'D


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